SO's fam doesn't care about baby/there is no village
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| SO's mom has a contentious relationship with her much younger half-siblings but said half-siblings attended our wedding and baby shower before. I sent out 1st birthday invites (show up in person or virtual Zoom) and none of them are coming and none of them feel like meeting baby. Baby is so happy and cheerful and defied all the odds (covid in utero while triple vaxxed leading to NICU stay for 1st week of life). They literally don't care he's alive. And my god, it hurts so, so much. Plus I'm an only so no siblings. SO asked his mom if she wanted to help out with baby, she laughed and said no. Five sitters backed out and one finally said yes after offering close to $40/hr. All of our nearby friends are vehemently childfree which is their choice, but there's nobody to share in the joy of our baby outside of daycare and it really sucks. Luckily we're afloat financially *knock on wood* but it's such a joyless existence for our baby and I feel so sad for our little. Going out, I almost feel like I have to apologize I have a baby. It was so different when I was a student abroad, people loved babies and everyone truly cherished kids. I would've stayed abroad but getting a visa and job were impossible. What do you do when there is no village in sight? |
Anonymous
| You make it work. You have your own little celebration and date nights include kids or at home when they are in bed. |
Anonymous
You aggressively build one. |
Anonymous
| Where do you live? Find friends with children. Truly. I am all for keeping up with my pre kid friendships, but if you have zero friends with kids and no family that is interested in your kid, you need to find a village . |
Anonymous
| We don't have a village either and it's hard-we've had to build our own. It's easier when they are older and on sports teams, etc, so you're seeing the same parents all the time and can become friends. Can you try to have some social events with other day care parents? That's what we did. |
Anonymous
| I made SO many new friends as a parent of my first baby. But I lived in a neighborhood that had lots of young kids (an area of Baltimore city). If you are not in an area with young kids, move to an area with young kids. What you describe sounds lonely and not that common. (The lack of extended family helping/ caring is common, but the lack of any friends with babies is not normal. You may need to step back from your circle of friends that is “aggressively child free” and find a new village.) |
Anonymous
|
Lots of us had no village, OP. We made do. In our case, our oldest was born at 32 weeks, stayed for 2 weeks in the NICU. Both our families live overseas and while my parents did come to visit, my in-laws already had multiple grandkids at the time my oldest was born and no one from my husband's family made the trip. Many of them have never, ever visited us in the States, even though they can afford to and we've been here TWENTY YEARS now.
None of this stopped my joy at having a baby, however. I was over the moon... until post-partum-depression hit accompanied by a thyroid crisis. Perhaps you are developing post-partum depression. Please call your doctor. It can get very serious. |
Anonymous
|
Lean into the wonderful moms groups that we have around here. Lots of people are in identical situations as you.
I agree that Americans hate children. We took our kids to Argentina last year for the summer and it was a huge difference. People actually waved at them in the streets, said hi and acknowledged their presence! My kids are well behaved, but I've seen people in DC groan when they see a baby coming into the restaurant. It is what it is. People are nicer towards kids in the suburbs. |
Anonymous
| Join some mom groups, and build your own village. That's the only option. |
Anonymous
|
You make friends with parents from daycare and turn them into your village. You make friends at the park. Not everyone's village involves blood relations.
Your SO asking his mom if she wanted to help sounds like "will you provide us with free childcare?" He should have just invited her over for lunch and she could spend an hour with the baby before her afternoon nap. |
Anonymous
|
I had no village... You make it work. Your baby is fine, baby has you and your DH, so hardly a "joyless existence".
Sounds like what you're really looking for is free babysitting. |
Anonymous
This. Take into account others who also have no family village, because they’ll understand the need to build your own and will thus value your village more. |
Anonymous
|
Honestly? I would not (and did not) expect my family to travel to come to my kids' first birthday party. That seems like an odd ask, especially for much younger siblings.
That being said, it is important to have people you can talk babies with! Start going to the playground at the same time every week. That's the most consistent way I've found to meet other moms with kids about the same age as mine. Also say hi to people you see out in the world. Everyone in my condo building recognizing my kids and asks after them if they see me without them, which helps me with the "joy in the baby" mood. I'm also in a position where I don't have a lot of family help and my friends are largely childfree. You just have to find more new mom friends to build out space for that type of support. |
Anonymous
| Agree with building one. There are moms groups and havijg an infant is a perfect time to build those relationships and celebrate joys of babyhood. Some will be situational and a couple may last longer. |
Anonymous
I am not sure that it is a “hates children” thing or more of a “Americans expect small children to behave like little adults” |