SO's fam doesn't care about baby/there is no village

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You already had a baby shower (SUPER tacky, especially when you throw it yourself which it sounds like you probably did) and then you also expect a first birthday party? Via zoom?? Your baby has no idea who those people are - especially through a computer screen - and it’s clearly just a gift grab when they’ve already given you a gift for your baby.

There’s nothing wrong with a baby shower and first birthday party.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you been screened for PPD/PPA? It sounds like a normal thing (no one wants a goody bag or another zoom meeting) has you spiraling a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SO's mom has a contentious relationship with her much younger half-siblings but said half-siblings attended our wedding and baby shower before. I sent out 1st birthday invites (show up in person or virtual Zoom) and none of them are coming and none of them feel like meeting baby. Baby is so happy and cheerful and defied all the odds (covid in utero while triple vaxxed leading to NICU stay for 1st week of life). They literally don't care he's alive. And my god, it hurts so, so much. Plus I'm an only so no siblings. SO asked his mom if she wanted to help out with baby, she laughed and said no. Five sitters backed out and one finally said yes after offering close to $40/hr. All of our nearby friends are vehemently childfree which is their choice, but there's nobody to share in the joy of our baby outside of daycare and it really sucks. Luckily we're afloat financially *knock on wood* but it's such a joyless existence for our baby and I feel so sad for our little. Going out, I almost feel like I have to apologize I have a baby. It was so different when I was a student abroad, people loved babies and everyone truly cherished kids. I would've stayed abroad but getting a visa and job were impossible. What do you do when there is no village in sight?

SO’s mom’s siblings would be Aunts/Uncles. Not all Aunts/Uncles are present in their niece/nephew’s lives- especially ones that are much younger half siblings with a contentious relationship with the grandmother.

I think you will find many of us in the DMV hav little to no local family that can help. Since you already tried caregivers, that is a good start. Keep trying on that front. Spring will be here shortly and that much more fun with a baby/toddler.

I would sign up for some baby and me classes to try to find like people to start to build a supportive friend group. As other have said, trying a faith community can help too. There are faith communities for every kind and level of faith. If you post what you would seek, people here can point you in the right direction.

Ultimately, if you cannot find a group, you may need to be proactive in developing one. Host a block party, invite the people at your baby and me classes to your home, creating a new parent group at your chosen faith community….. Be prepared to do the heavy lifting.

Don’t worry about other people when you take your baby out. One thing I have learned about parenting, is to lower your expectations to zero. Expecting people to be happy to see your baby when you are out and about is way way too high. Be happy about your baby. Be happy about being able to take your baby out and about. Be happy with your baby and your SO. If someone responds with a smile, that is a bonus.

[Anonymous]

Make friends with immigrant families or transplants since they may not have family around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SO's mom has a contentious relationship with her much younger half-siblings but said half-siblings attended our wedding and baby shower before. I sent out 1st birthday invites (show up in person or virtual Zoom) and none of them are coming and none of them feel like meeting baby. Baby is so happy and cheerful and defied all the odds (covid in utero while triple vaxxed leading to NICU stay for 1st week of life). They literally don't care he's alive. And my god, it hurts so, so much. Plus I'm an only so no siblings. SO asked his mom if she wanted to help out with baby, she laughed and said no. Five sitters backed out and one finally said yes after offering close to $40/hr. All of our nearby friends are vehemently childfree which is their choice, but there's nobody to share in the joy of our baby outside of daycare and it really sucks. Luckily we're afloat financially *knock on wood* but it's such a joyless existence for our baby and I feel so sad for our little. Going out, I almost feel like I have to apologize I have a baby. It was so different when I was a student abroad, people loved babies and everyone truly cherished kids. I would've stayed abroad but getting a visa and job were impossible. What do you do when there is no village in sight?

SO’s mom’s siblings would be Aunts/Uncles. Not all Aunts/Uncles are present in their niece/nephew’s lives- especially ones that are much younger half siblings with a contentious relationship with the grandmother.

I think you will find many of us in the DMV hav little to no local family that can help. Since you already tried caregivers, that is a good start. Keep trying on that front. Spring will be here shortly and that much more fun with a baby/toddler.

I would sign up for some baby and me classes to try to find like people to start to build a supportive friend group. As other have said, trying a faith community can help too. There are faith communities for every kind and level of faith. If you post what you would seek, people here can point you in the right direction.

Ultimately, if you cannot find a group, you may need to be proactive in developing one. Host a block party, invite the people at your baby and me classes to your home, creating a new parent group at your chosen faith community….. Be prepared to do the heavy lifting.

Don’t worry about other people when you take your baby out. One thing I have learned about parenting, is to lower your expectations to zero. Expecting people to be happy to see your baby when you are out and about is way way too high. Be happy about your baby. Be happy about being able to take your baby out and about. Be happy with your baby and your SO. If someone responds with a smile, that is a bonus.

These would be great aunts/uncles. Where are the SOs brothers and sisters, the real aunts/uncles? OP doesn't even know these people. She's told they came to her shower. She has no relationship with them. If she wants them to care and attend a zoom baby birthday she needs to actually build a relationship with them so they get to know her and by extension her child. But, really she just needs to find her own tribe by taking all the other suggested advice on how to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just move to a family friendly neighborhood and make new friends.

I would warn against getting too close with your neighbors, especially if their kids are the same age. These friend groups don’t last forever, and there is usually an unpleasant end.

[Anonymous]

I didn't have a village either. Still don't. The hardest part is not letting resentment towards the people who didn't show up take over. It's okay to feel frustrated with family, in particular, who don't come through. I was really disappointed in my parents and my older sister, especially since I'd shown up for her when she became a mom. But you have to find a way to carry on for your kid.

I think I still kept thinking the village would show up for a few years. But then I got through those tough toddler years without it for the most part. I did develop some friendships with other parents, but it was mostly just to create community for my kid -- it's not like they were helping with childcare or something. Other people have their own problems, just like you. I've also encountered plenty of people who have lots of help from family and don't really get that I don't, which is fine but isolating.

Anyway, I feel like in the last year or so (my child is 5) I've just come to a place of acceptance. I value everyone who plays a role in my child's life -- teachers, coaches, babysitters, parents of classmates and friends. I appreciate my neighbors for just saying hello to my kid, making conversation, providing a sense of place and belonging. Is it the same as having close relationships with grandparents or aunts and uncles, having people who will provide real tangible support to help make your life work with childcare and all that? No but that doesn't mean it's not valuable. I take what I can get.

And then I just try to be the best parent I can. I hope to be able to be there for my kid if they start a family one day in the way that neither my family nor my ILs were. That's all I can do -- look forward, control the things I can control. Try to let go of the rest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just move to a family friendly neighborhood and make new friends.

I would warn against getting too close with your neighbors, especially if their kids are the same age. These friend groups don’t last forever, and there is usually an unpleasant end.

My child is only a toddler so maybe in a few years, I'll find your advice to be prescient. But for now I am so happy to live near several nice families with young kids because I don't have the time or energy to drive around for playdates. When the nanny has left at 5pm and I have a half hour of play time before dinner is ready, it's awesome to go out in the yard and chat with the friendly moms across the street while our kids play together.

But you have to put in work, and I think that's where OP is struggling. Friends (and loving extended family) don't fall into your lap. You have to work on building and maintaining relationships. When my daughter was a baby and I pushed her stroller for an hour every day, I chatted up every mom I saw. I wasn't shy about asking if they wanted to exchange numbers if we were vibing. I used to joke with my husband that I was out picking up moms. I'm much older than most moms in my neighborhood, and tbh I consider them mom friends rather than real friends. But they still enrich my life! I work from home and feel isolated most of the day, so if it wasn't for my awesome neighbors, I would only be able to socialize on the weekend.

[Anonymous]

do you really think just because someone is child free they don't want to see your kid? I didn't my child until my early 40s, I spent 15 years offering to watch my best friends kids and love all my adopted nephews and nieces.

[Anonymous]

You need to create your own village. It's not that dissimilar if you are estranged from family or live far away from family. Ultimately, you made a decision to have children and while it is disappointing that some of the people closest to you do not want to partake in happy times with your child or help you with childcare it's good that they are saying no upfront instead of saying yes and making you miserable.

You don't need to spend all of your time building community, you just need to do what you can to meet other people. I say this all from experience, I am not close to my family and my husband's family lives far away. We have three children under five and sometimes I look wistfully at people whose parents babysit while they have date night or go on vacations (my BIL and SIL have three sets of parents within 20 minutes for example and all of the parents help them with there two children), but it's not our reality. You can feel sorry for yourself and you can feel jealous (because who wouldn't?), but you would probably benefit from accepting that you can't change your in-laws and moving on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just move to a family friendly neighborhood and make new friends.

I would warn against getting too close with your neighbors, especially if their kids are the same age. These friend groups don’t last forever, and there is usually an unpleasant end.

You just have to understand healthy boundaries. We have neighbor friends and it's awesome. But I also make sure those kids aren't my kids ONLY friends. It helps we go to different schools. Just make sure your kids has a diverse set of friends to play with during elementary and it will be fine.

[Anonymous]

Your first step: invite the other families with babies/toddlers close to your kid's age over to your house for coffee/playdate. Hold it at 9am or whatever ridiculous hour works for all the naps.

Then, do it again the next month. Or see which family you clicked with the most, and do it again. You may need to host every time for awhile. But as your kids get older, you can shift to a playground. Start scoping the ones that are SMALL and fenced in (key for toddlers). The kids wont' care about playing together very much until they are over the age of 2 or 3, but it will help you feel you have someone to chat with about all this.

I love babies and am excited for my friend's and relatives babies, but I do want to go to a 1 year old birthday party on Zoom. If you want to set up a video call with people, do that. But a zoom party sounds awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your first step: invite the other families with babies/toddlers close to your kid's age over to your house for coffee/playdate. Hold it at 9am or whatever ridiculous hour works for all the naps.

Then, do it again the next month. Or see which family you clicked with the most, and do it again. You may need to host every time for awhile. But as your kids get older, you can shift to a playground. Start scoping the ones that are SMALL and fenced in (key for toddlers). The kids wont' care about playing together very much until they are over the age of 2 or 3, but it will help you feel you have someone to chat with about all this.

I love babies and am excited for my friend's and relatives babies, but I do want to go to a 1 year old birthday party on Zoom. If you want to set up a video call with people, do that. But a zoom party sounds awful.

From daycare. Host the families from daycare. Sorry left that part out!

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. My in-laws were the same. DD has an aunt nearby she literally only met like two or three times before DD was a teen and now the aunt is more interested in her. Some people just really aren't into babies and young kids. They don't find them cute and they don't know how to interact with them. If I were you I would really try to find new friends with an oldest baby your baby's age. I say oldest because I find that parents are usually more connected to other parents when their oldest kids are the same age. Maybe that's because they're going through all the first stages of their kids lives at the same time. Is your family involved?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly? I would not (and did not) expect my family to travel to come to my kids' first birthday party. That seems like an odd ask, especially for much younger siblings.

That being said, it is important to have people you can talk babies with! Start going to the playground at the same time every week. That's the most consistent way I've found to meet other moms with kids about the same age as mine. Also say hi to people you see out in the world. Everyone in my condo building recognizing my kids and asks after them if they see me without them, which helps me with the "joy in the baby" mood. I'm also in a position where I don't have a lot of family help and my friends are largely childfree. You just have to find more new mom friends to build out space for that type of support.

I invited them in person or Zoom which is 40 minutes total, and I was going to send them goodie bags by mail. Even bribing them to spend 40 minutes did nothing lol...siiigh. But hopefully I'll try the playground. Will be awhile since the nearest playground's for 5yo/up :/

Find a different playground. Where do you live? We will tell you which playgrounds are good for a 1yr/old.

DP - most playgrounds are going to be far more appropriate for five year olds than one year olds. That’s just the nature of playgrounds.

Yeah but at 1 all you really need is 2 baby swings and you’ll meet another parent with a baby. And there are often younger toddlers - not 12 months, but maybe 15/16 months - exploring at the playgrounds while older siblings play.