SO's fam doesn't care about baby/there is no village

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: SO asked his mom if she wanted to help out with baby, she laughed and said no.

This was a bold request. It's not something I would have done.

In the countries where you studied abroad and people loved babies and cherished kids (I have lived in countries like that too), people have different values. They get more help from older family and more love from community members, but they also give much more. If you can find people and put in the effort and investment, you can make that here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly? I would not (and did not) expect my family to travel to come to my kids' first birthday party. That seems like an odd ask, especially for much younger siblings.

That being said, it is important to have people you can talk babies with! Start going to the playground at the same time every week. That's the most consistent way I've found to meet other moms with kids about the same age as mine. Also say hi to people you see out in the world. Everyone in my condo building recognizing my kids and asks after them if they see me without them, which helps me with the "joy in the baby" mood. I'm also in a position where I don't have a lot of family help and my friends are largely childfree. You just have to find more new mom friends to build out space for that type of support.

I invited them in person or Zoom which is 40 minutes total, and I was going to send them goodie bags by mail. Even bribing them to spend 40 minutes did nothing lol...siiigh. But hopefully I'll try the playground. Will be awhile since the nearest playground's for 5yo/up :/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly? I would not (and did not) expect my family to travel to come to my kids' first birthday party. That seems like an odd ask, especially for much younger siblings.

That being said, it is important to have people you can talk babies with! Start going to the playground at the same time every week. That's the most consistent way I've found to meet other moms with kids about the same age as mine. Also say hi to people you see out in the world. Everyone in my condo building recognizing my kids and asks after them if they see me without them, which helps me with the "joy in the baby" mood. I'm also in a position where I don't have a lot of family help and my friends are largely childfree. You just have to find more new mom friends to build out space for that type of support.

I invited them in person or Zoom which is 40 minutes total, and I was going to send them goodie bags by mail. Even bribing them to spend 40 minutes did nothing lol...siiigh. But hopefully I'll try the playground. Will be awhile since the nearest playground's for 5yo/up :/

Find a different playground. Where do you live? We will tell you which playgrounds are good for a 1yr/old.

[Anonymous]

I understand feeling lonely but I think your expectations for your family might be a little high.

I have a sweet MIL who loves our sons but she would definitely balk at being asked to be our free nanny. She turned down that role with her own daughters' kids. She has stayed with the boys for a weekend here and there but she has a life of her own and isn't interested in being a full-time caregiver.

I also can't really imagine my sibling flying down here for my son's bday party, unless maybe she wanted to come visit anyway and we were able to time it around his bday.

BUT I have awesome friends and neighbors who help me out when I need it (including staying at my house with my older son while my younger son was being born). You can find your village. But a village isn't a one-way street. You have to be that person too - bringing food, offering rides, pet- and house-sitting, all that stuff. Do that for your friends and they will become the village you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SO's mom has a contentious relationship with her much younger half-siblings but said half-siblings attended our wedding and baby shower before. I sent out 1st birthday invites (show up in person or virtual Zoom) and none of them are coming and none of them feel like meeting baby. Baby is so happy and cheerful and defied all the odds (covid in utero while triple vaxxed leading to NICU stay for 1st week of life). They literally don't care he's alive. And my god, it hurts so, so much. Plus I'm an only so no siblings. SO asked his mom if she wanted to help out with baby, she laughed and said no. Five sitters backed out and one finally said yes after offering close to $40/hr. All of our nearby friends are vehemently childfree which is their choice, but there's nobody to share in the joy of our baby outside of daycare and it really sucks. Luckily we're afloat financially *knock on wood* but it's such a joyless existence for our baby and I feel so sad for our little. Going out, I almost feel like I have to apologize I have a baby. It was so different when I was a student abroad, people loved babies and everyone truly cherished kids. I would've stayed abroad but getting a visa and job were impossible. What do you do when there is no village in sight?

- SOs family knows what you are like and you think "spending time with the baby" = babysitting and they aren't interested. They are likely avoiding the party to avoid you. Maybe you pout, maybe you complain, maybe you ask for too many favors, but your baby doesn't care bc they have no idea who is attending.

- make friends with people who have kids.

- $40/hr for last minute day of baby sitting request - yep, I totally believe that so now you know you have to plan better

- if you want continuous help with the baby, hire someone

- if you want family to enjoy the baby, set up specific activities and events for that in which you and/or your DH will attend and be present and enjoy hanging out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly? I would not (and did not) expect my family to travel to come to my kids' first birthday party. That seems like an odd ask, especially for much younger siblings.

That being said, it is important to have people you can talk babies with! Start going to the playground at the same time every week. That's the most consistent way I've found to meet other moms with kids about the same age as mine. Also say hi to people you see out in the world. Everyone in my condo building recognizing my kids and asks after them if they see me without them, which helps me with the "joy in the baby" mood. I'm also in a position where I don't have a lot of family help and my friends are largely childfree. You just have to find more new mom friends to build out space for that type of support.

I invited them in person or Zoom which is 40 minutes total, and I was going to send them goodie bags by mail. Even bribing them to spend 40 minutes did nothing lol...siiigh. But hopefully I'll try the playground. Will be awhile since the nearest playground's for 5yo/up :/

Find a different playground. Where do you live? We will tell you which playgrounds are good for a 1yr/old.

DP - most playgrounds are going to be far more appropriate for five year olds than one year olds. That’s just the nature of playgrounds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly? I would not (and did not) expect my family to travel to come to my kids' first birthday party. That seems like an odd ask, especially for much younger siblings.

That being said, it is important to have people you can talk babies with! Start going to the playground at the same time every week. That's the most consistent way I've found to meet other moms with kids about the same age as mine. Also say hi to people you see out in the world. Everyone in my condo building recognizing my kids and asks after them if they see me without them, which helps me with the "joy in the baby" mood. I'm also in a position where I don't have a lot of family help and my friends are largely childfree. You just have to find more new mom friends to build out space for that type of support.

I invited them in person or Zoom which is 40 minutes total, and I was going to send them goodie bags by mail. Even bribing them to spend 40 minutes did nothing lol...siiigh. But hopefully I'll try the playground. Will be awhile since the nearest playground's for 5yo/up :/

I wouldn't attend a Zoom birthday party for a baby. So boring and pointless because the baby isn't going to care.

But I agree to have to make your own village, which does not just mean people who provide you with free childcare. You have to meet people at playgrounds andm oms groups and classes, and then you have to put in the work to build those relationships.

[Anonymous]

You're sounding a little dramatic and histrionic. This could be why no one in the family wants to be around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly? I would not (and did not) expect my family to travel to come to my kids' first birthday party. That seems like an odd ask, especially for much younger siblings.

That being said, it is important to have people you can talk babies with! Start going to the playground at the same time every week. That's the most consistent way I've found to meet other moms with kids about the same age as mine. Also say hi to people you see out in the world. Everyone in my condo building recognizing my kids and asks after them if they see me without them, which helps me with the "joy in the baby" mood. I'm also in a position where I don't have a lot of family help and my friends are largely childfree. You just have to find more new mom friends to build out space for that type of support.

I invited them in person or Zoom which is 40 minutes total, and I was going to send them goodie bags by mail. Even bribing them to spend 40 minutes did nothing lol...siiigh. But hopefully I'll try the playground. Will be awhile since the nearest playground's for 5yo/up :/

PP here again -- a zoom bday party for a 1yo sounds even worse than an in-person one to me. And I have a 1yo. It's impossible to have a coherent conversation on video chat when little kids are present. Not having a local playground sounds like an issue, though. Are you in any local facebook groups? If you're on e.g. buy nothing, put out a "I have a one year and am looking to meet other parents!" post. I see these all the time and they usually result in at least a few playdates and an exchange of parent phone numbers. Over time you start to get a sense of who's on the same sort of family schedule you are and which parents you click with. Also ask to exchange phone numbers/setup playdate with other daycare parents when you see them at pick up and drop off.

[Anonymous]

Just move to a family friendly neighborhood and make new friends.

[Anonymous]

Also considering seeing someone for ppa/ppd

[Anonymous]

I had a hard time with my first, it was a big adjustment. Before we had our second kid, we moved to a more kid-friendly neighborhood and I started reaching out more to other moms, and the entire experience was very different.

So, partly, give yourself some slack, it's just such a hard transition.

Second, stop expecting things from people. Having a grandma interested in your baby is a plus, not a given. We had one grandma overseas and one passed away before the baby's first birthday. I'm not trying to one-up you, just giving some perspective. What your baby needs most is your and your spouse, plus a good daycare environment. Everything else may be good for you, but doesn't much matter to the baby.

As for babysitting, DH and I alternated, rather than trying to hire babysitters, especially as we had daycare during the day.

[Anonymous]

My family also could care less about my kids. My mom hasn’t even met my youngest (turning 3 next week). I am not even sure my brothers know my kids’ names.

You will need to deal with the disappointment and hurt and then move on. It absolutely sucks to see other grandparents/aunts/uncles so loving and caring with their families. Meanwhile I have to pay a sitter anytime I’m not caring for my kids. But it is what it is. Count your blessings, practice gratitude and acceptance. Have a wonderful party and surround your child with people who love him!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SO's mom has a contentious relationship with her much younger half-siblings but said half-siblings attended our wedding and baby shower before. I sent out 1st birthday invites (show up in person or virtual Zoom) and none of them are coming and none of them feel like meeting baby. Baby is so happy and cheerful and defied all the odds (covid in utero while triple vaxxed leading to NICU stay for 1st week of life). They literally don't care he's alive. And my god, it hurts so, so much. Plus I'm an only so no siblings. SO asked his mom if she wanted to help out with baby, she laughed and said no. Five sitters backed out and one finally said yes after offering close to $40/hr. All of our nearby friends are vehemently childfree which is their choice, but there's nobody to share in the joy of our baby outside of daycare and it really sucks. Luckily we're afloat financially *knock on wood* but it's such a joyless existence for our baby and I feel so sad for our little. Going out, I almost feel like I have to apologize I have a baby. It was so different when I was a student abroad, people loved babies and everyone truly cherished kids. I would've stayed abroad but getting a visa and job were impossible. What do you do when there is no village in sight?

It sounds like there are two separate things going on here:
1. You need more help
2. You want relationships or community where they pay attention to your child.

Both of these are showing up in the birthday event, but the above seem more like the real issues. I think it is unreasonable to expect anyone to attend a Zoom party for a baby's birthday, and people who don't already have a relationship with your child are not going to inconvenience themselves to attend a 1st birthday.

For 1, you can't expect free childcare of anyone other than your spouse. Keep trying on finding a babysitter, maybe even use a nanny service to find someone reliable. You may also have better luck if it is a regular gig or once you can build a relationship with your sitter(s) over time.

For 2, join more mom and baby activities and join local mom groups on facebook. You can try baby music class, swim, mom and baby yoga, or even look for stroller walking groups. You will be able to connect with people who are going through the same thing, and they will be more interested in sharing in the joy of having an infant.

I would also look into therapy to manage your expectations of other people and how it's impacting your mood. Other people just do not have any obligation to dote on your child, and they'll act accordingly. Some people luck out with a natural 'village', others build one, and the rest make do.

[Anonymous]

I don't think not wanting to come to /view a first birthday party is equal to not caring. Obviously your baby is everything to you...but the baby is not everything to others, even relatives. That's a lesson we all learn at some point.

Have you reached out to other parents in your child's daycare class? My good friend is a single mom and she's made friends with other parents in her son's daycare class. They even meet up for early dinners sometimes or visit at each others' apartments.