SAHMs and marriage dynamics?

[Anonymous]

I am a working mom with a pretty impressive job.

I think the women who really think their husbands care about their resumes and view them as equal professionals are delusional. Men typically care to the extent you’re not giving them a hard time, it makes their life easier, and they are okay financially. A marriage is NOT successful because the wife has an impressive resume and it gives her husband a hard on.

[Anonymous]

Becoming SAHP changed the dynamics in our marriage. Basically spouse checked out from housework and childcare. I became very conscious about spending money since I have no income. Also both of us were working in similar fields. After I became a SAHP spouse stopped talking with me about anything remotely intellectual or asking my opinion about important issues. I am grateful for some aspects of SAH (less stress, chance to spend time with DC or friends) but my self-esteem and closeness to the spouse took a deep dive

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In a healthy marriage it doesn't matter who works or SAH - you're a team and the money is both of yours.

- WOHM

This^. I hear complaints from fellow physicians whose physician husbands keep their money separate or manage both incomes with giving women little to no control on family finances. Having a good and fair partner is the key.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think many of you are equating income to power, and I just don’t see that in my family, at least. Power in what way? To make decisions? No. That’s not how it works. Usually the SAH parent makes most of the decisions.

OP. Actually one of the reasons I posted was because a friend who’s a SAHM recently told me she wanted a second kid but her husband didn’t so they didn’t have one. Seems like she’s pretty sad about it. I don’t know exactly how it went down but I can imagine her husband thinking he has the final say because he makes money? Not sure.

[Anonymous]

Having a good and fair partner AND being one is the key.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a big law partner and a lot of my male colleagues have wives who are SAHMs. I'm not super involved in their marriages, obviously, but just from hearing how they talk amongst themselves, it seems like a lot of them lose respect for their wives. All conversations become about the kids or the household, and they start seeing their wives more as a mother to their kids than a true partner and equal. They do love their wives, and I think their marriages are mostly happy, but it does sometimes feel like they see their colleagues (male and female) as their peers and their wives as a step beneath - and that's with the good ones. As you probably know, cheating is rampant in big law. This may be unique to law, and big law in particular, where people tend to make their career their personality and most of their self worth.

ex big law associate here - I didn’t know cheating was common in big law. Who are they cheating with? Co workers? How do you find time to cheat if you’re working long hours?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry if this has been posted about before.

How does being a SAHM change the dynamics of a marriage? I make a similar amount as DH and never have to think twice if I want to buy something for myself (within reason, of course). I expect DH to share housework/childcare equally. We make decisions collectively and neither of us has the final say. Everything just feels very equal and balanced in our relationship. Does that all go out the window if you're a SAHM? How does it work?

Well the problem is not that you cannot buy whatever you want, but that you cannot afford it if you cut your household income by half 😂 if you are SAHM of course you will do more house work and childcare , why the heck not? That’s basically what a SAHM is supposed to do. so yes, there will be less money to buy stuff, so you will not be able to buy whatever you want anytime, you will need to consult big purchases… and you will do more chores. Any other questions? It’s pretty obvious to me. Why the heck would the working spouse still do everything Half/half?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I worked for 15 years before I quit to get my SN son to his therapies. Dh is a great guy but I definitely felt the pressure of not being a money earner.

It definitely changed the power balance for us because there was less money.

I am back to work now.

My husband said it was my choice and he’d support my decision. Instead of me worrying about money he changed jobs and worked to replace my income with better jobs and never once complained or made me feel quilty. He said do what I thought was best in terms of therapies. He’d miss work if I was sick to get the kid there.

Some of you have husband issues. When you are dead the impact of what you do for your kids is far more impactful except for a few specific careers. We are almost all replaceable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think many of you are equating income to power, and I just don’t see that in my family, at least. Power in what way? To make decisions? No. That’s not how it works. Usually the SAH parent makes most of the decisions.

OP. Actually one of the reasons I posted was because a friend who’s a SAHM recently told me she wanted a second kid but her husband didn’t so they didn’t have one. Seems like she’s pretty sad about it. I don’t know exactly how it went down but I can imagine her husband thinking he has the final say because he makes money? Not sure.

Wait, what? The No always, always wins in these situations for any just and fair relationship. That has nothing to do with a power imbalance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry if this has been posted about before.

How does being a SAHM change the dynamics of a marriage? I make a similar amount as DH and never have to think twice if I want to buy something for myself (within reason, of course). I expect DH to share housework/childcare equally. We make decisions collectively and neither of us has the final say. Everything just feels very equal and balanced in our relationship. Does that all go out the window if you're a SAHM? How does it work?

Well the problem is not that you cannot buy whatever you want, but that you cannot afford it if you cut your household income by half 😂 if you are SAHM of course you will do more house work and childcare , why the heck not? That’s basically what a SAHM is supposed to do. so yes, there will be less money to buy stuff, so you will not be able to buy whatever you want anytime, you will need to consult big purchases… and you will do more chores. Any other questions? It’s pretty obvious to me. Why the heck would the working spouse still do everything Half/half?

Not expecting to be 50/50. Asking more if it means the wife will do ALL the chores/childcare. Like does the husband come home from work and always get to kick back and relax while the wife continues to do all the housework and take care of kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think many of you are equating income to power, and I just don’t see that in my family, at least. Power in what way? To make decisions? No. That’s not how it works. Usually the SAH parent makes most of the decisions.

OP. Actually one of the reasons I posted was because a friend who’s a SAHM recently told me she wanted a second kid but her husband didn’t so they didn’t have one. Seems like she’s pretty sad about it. I don’t know exactly how it went down but I can imagine her husband thinking he has the final say because he makes money? Not sure.

Kind of a stupid assumption. It’s pretty common sense that the partner who doesn’t want more kids has veto power.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a working mom with a pretty impressive job.

I think the women who really think their husbands care about their resumes and view them as equal professionals are delusional. Men typically care to the extent you’re not giving them a hard time, it makes their life easier, and they are okay financially. A marriage is NOT successful because the wife has an impressive resume and it gives her husband a hard on.

I agree with this. DH doesn't care at all how much money I do or dont make. He's happy if he's getting laid and I don't give him a hard time. Appreciates it when I dress up and look nice. Appreciates that the kids are smart (due to genetics and environment) but probably doesn't care that I am. I have a fancy resume and so does he but it's not a big deal to him.

[Anonymous]

I really think the bigger problems surface if there isn't enough money for everyone's needs and wants or if there is infidelity or some sort of illness of one of the spouses and the other doesn't want to deal with it.

When there is money and some faithfulness it works fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a working mom with a pretty impressive job.

I think the women who really think their husbands care about their resumes and view them as equal professionals are delusional. Men typically care to the extent you’re not giving them a hard time, it makes their life easier, and they are okay financially. A marriage is NOT successful because the wife has an impressive resume and it gives her husband a hard on.

I agree with this. DH doesn't care at all how much money I do or dont make. He's happy if he's getting laid and I don't give him a hard time. Appreciates it when I dress up and look nice. Appreciates that the kids are smart (due to genetics and environment) but probably doesn't care that I am. I have a fancy resume and so does he but it's not a big deal to him.

Not true in my circle. When wives have "impressive" jobs (successful doctor, lawyer, policy etc) the men in our circle are very, very focused on it. It's seen as a real status symbol.

Of course, i assume that the type of women who are less focused on careers end up with men who are less focused on women with careers - so they are probably happy together. Likewise, women and men who are both very into women have high professional aspirations are likely to end up together. In other words, people end up with the type of person they should.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think many of you are equating income to power, and I just don’t see that in my family, at least. Power in what way? To make decisions? No. That’s not how it works. Usually the SAH parent makes most of the decisions.

OP. Actually one of the reasons I posted was because a friend who’s a SAHM recently told me she wanted a second kid but her husband didn’t so they didn’t have one. Seems like she’s pretty sad about it. I don’t know exactly how it went down but I can imagine her husband thinking he has the final say because he makes money? Not sure.

Kind of a stupid assumption. It’s pretty common sense that the partner who doesn’t want more kids has veto power.

That doesn’t really have anything to do with a parent SAH or not. The only reason it might matter is if the DH thought they couldn’t afford another kid with only one income.