SAHMs and marriage dynamics?

[Anonymous]

Sorry if this has been posted about before.

How does being a SAHM change the dynamics of a marriage? I make a similar amount as DH and never have to think twice if I want to buy something for myself (within reason, of course). I expect DH to share housework/childcare equally. We make decisions collectively and neither of us has the final say. Everything just feels very equal and balanced in our relationship. Does that all go out the window if you're a SAHM? How does it work?

[Anonymous]

This is just going to be a nasty cluster and I doubt you will get useful information, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is just going to be a nasty cluster and I doubt you will get useful information, OP.

Yep, OP. Look through the old postings on this one, plenty to read.

[Anonymous]

It depends on you and your spouse. We are true equals. We both deal with housework/child care depending now what's going on and work it out, just like we'd do regardless of my working or not. I can spend/do what I want within reason. I think if anything I have the final say with many things. It really has nothing to do with SAH or not. I don't have to ask or consult him if I want to buy something as he doesn't care at all.

[Anonymous]

I suggest you plan on deleting this thread. But I’m a SAHM and I buy whatever I want. The money in our bank account is our money, not his, and he has no more say in what we do with it than I do. He has heard married men talking about money as though it gives the man more power in the marriage and it disgusts my husband.

We have always, since before we were engaged, had frequent conversations about spending, saving, and earning and we are very much on the same page regarding financial goals. I imagine that helps us trust each other.

I don’t think you can really know exactly whether or not, or how, the power dynamic would change if one spouse left the workforce, but maybe you can get clues based on conversations he has with others. And of course you should I be clear that it’s joint money, not just his.

[Anonymous]

In a healthy marriage it doesn't matter who works or SAH - you're a team and the money is both of yours.

- WOHM

[Anonymous]

I'm a big law partner and a lot of my male colleagues have wives who are SAHMs. I'm not super involved in their marriages, obviously, but just from hearing how they talk amongst themselves, it seems like a lot of them lose respect for their wives. All conversations become about the kids or the household, and they start seeing their wives more as a mother to their kids than a true partner and equal. They do love their wives, and I think their marriages are mostly happy, but it does sometimes feel like they see their colleagues (male and female) as their peers and their wives as a step beneath - and that's with the good ones. As you probably know, cheating is rampant in big law. This may be unique to law, and big law in particular, where people tend to make their career their personality and most of their self worth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a big law partner and a lot of my male colleagues have wives who are SAHMs. I'm not super involved in their marriages, obviously, but just from hearing how they talk amongst themselves, it seems like a lot of them lose respect for their wives. All conversations become about the kids or the household, and they start seeing their wives more as a mother to their kids than a true partner and equal. They do love their wives, and I think their marriages are mostly happy, but it does sometimes feel like they see their colleagues (male and female) as their peers and their wives as a step beneath - and that's with the good ones. As you probably know, cheating is rampant in big law. This may be unique to law, and big law in particular, where people tend to make their career their personality and most of their self worth.

Sure, Jan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a big law partner and a lot of my male colleagues have wives who are SAHMs. I'm not super involved in their marriages, obviously, but just from hearing how they talk amongst themselves, it seems like a lot of them lose respect for their wives. All conversations become about the kids or the household, and they start seeing their wives more as a mother to their kids than a true partner and equal. They do love their wives, and I think their marriages are mostly happy, but it does sometimes feel like they see their colleagues (male and female) as their peers and their wives as a step beneath - and that's with the good ones. As you probably know, cheating is rampant in big law. This may be unique to law, and big law in particular, where people tend to make their career their personality and most of their self worth.

My husband is a big law partner and I’m a SAHM and right now he’s working his a$$ off. What kind of law do you do that gives you time to hang out in DCUM in the middle of the day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a big law partner and a lot of my male colleagues have wives who are SAHMs. I'm not super involved in their marriages, obviously, but just from hearing how they talk amongst themselves, it seems like a lot of them lose respect for their wives. All conversations become about the kids or the household, and they start seeing their wives more as a mother to their kids than a true partner and equal. They do love their wives, and I think their marriages are mostly happy, but it does sometimes feel like they see their colleagues (male and female) as their peers and their wives as a step beneath - and that's with the good ones. As you probably know, cheating is rampant in big law. This may be unique to law, and big law in particular, where people tend to make their career their personality and most of their self worth.

Sure, Jan.

I’m not the PP but why are you skeptical? Big law is notorious for the amount of cheating that goes on. What PP wrote doesn’t seem like a stretch to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a big law partner and a lot of my male colleagues have wives who are SAHMs. I'm not super involved in their marriages, obviously, but just from hearing how they talk amongst themselves, it seems like a lot of them lose respect for their wives. All conversations become about the kids or the household, and they start seeing their wives more as a mother to their kids than a true partner and equal. They do love their wives, and I think their marriages are mostly happy, but it does sometimes feel like they see their colleagues (male and female) as their peers and their wives as a step beneath - and that's with the good ones. As you probably know, cheating is rampant in big law. This may be unique to law, and big law in particular, where people tend to make their career their personality and most of their self worth.

My husband is a big law partner and I’m a SAHM and right now he’s working his a$$ off. What kind of law do you do that gives you time to hang out in DCUM in the middle of the day?

He’s just telling you he is working his a$$ off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In a healthy marriage it doesn't matter who works or SAH - you're a team and the money is both of yours.

- WOHM

THIS.

[Anonymous]

If you are genuinely asking, you need to seek advice from parents of teens and up. I’ve noticed that some marriages that start off pretty equal when kids are young and it is all hands on deck shift during the teen years. But I would not seek advice on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Depends on the relationship and financial dynamics.

When I was a SAHM, my DH was totally supportive, continued to contribute at home and split childcare/cooking/houswork with me pretty evenly when we were both home (nights and weekends). He also viewed his income as our joint income and absolutely didn't second guess the way I spent money or make me feel guilty for spending money on myself.

However, I struggled with it. I had never been without an income before and it made me feel really insecure, I hated feeling like I was spending "his" money (even though he never viewed it that way or made me feel that way), and I sometimes felt intense pressure to get all the housework done and never leave any childcare for him because, after all, he was working and wasn't (again, entirely my own instinctive framing, not his).

My life got way better when I got some childcare and started working part-time. I'm actually still part-time several years later and it's a good balance for us. I like being home and available for DC after school, and I find it fairly easy to balance work and motherhood with a part-time job. It's a contract job in my field that pays well, so I also feel like I'm keeping my skills sharp and not wasting my education or experience. But the biggest thing is just that mentally, it's easier for me to expect a equal share of childcare/housework from my DH when I'm also contributing financially. Plus it means I'm contributing to my retirement funds and our kid's 529.

So much of this is mental. My DH used to make all the good feminist arguments about why I didn't need to feel less than for not working (my labor was essential to the family functioning, I was entitled to his income because without my labor at home he could not have worked, etc.) but I just couldn't get past the fact that I was not earning a paycheck and it made me feel bad. After returning to work, every paycheck feels so good.

I did not realize how much of my self-worth was caught up in being financially independent until I was completely dependent on him for money. I hated it. Now, I'm not actually financially independent now either -- we couldn't live off my salary as it is and I make less than he does. But he's not really financially independent either because if I weren't providing most of our needed childcare outside of school plus doing more housework and household management outside my work hours, he'd have to outsource a lot of that and it would cost a lot. We're financially interdependent which make sense because we're a family unit.

[Anonymous]

I was making a high income but once I had kids I kept my job but worked part-time. My two kids have just graduated college and I am back to full time with the same company. I did not take a major step back in my career like I may have done if I had quit the workforce for 20 years. I thought several times about being a SAHM and had the support of my high income DH. 15 years into the marriage he became a depressed, alcoholic on the verge of losing his job. He has recovered somewhat, for now, but I am thankful I did not become a 100% SAHM and would have been able to support myself and my kids, if need be, without my DH. I realize mine is an extreme situation that I hope no one else has to deal with.