SAHMs and marriage dynamics?

[Anonymous]

From what I've seen the marriages are happy but the wives are pretty strict with their spending and create a budget and follow it. They have immaculate well designed homes and are expected to raise their children well and keep fit and be friends with the wives of their husband's friends. They also do all the planning for the family and the kids, are home for the contractors and other appointments and don't complain much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From what I've seen the marriages are happy but the wives are pretty strict with their spending and create a budget and follow it. They have immaculate well designed homes and are expected to raise their children well and keep fit and be friends with the wives of their husband's friends. They also do all the planning for the family and the kids, are home for the contractors and other appointments and don't complain much.

I also see the dads being pretty flirtatious in middle age but that seems to be everyone I've seen. Working and non working dads.

[Anonymous]

Sorry dads of working and SAH moms

[Anonymous]

The SAHMs on here will tell you things are perfect and their DH's respect them as equals, nay, respect them more than ever.

The people with paid jobs on here will tell you this is not the dynamic they observe. The respect is more patronizing, and definitely not as a peer. I agree with the PP above who says law firm partners have an uncomfortable relationship with their sahws. They really do love and respect their wives, but when they say "she has the hardest job in the world" while the DH's work 90 hours a week, can't exercise, don't see their kids, and their doctor is telling them their heart numbers are creeping up.... (none of those things that they are happy about) - there is something disingenuous about the whole thing. At minimum, they definitely don't think of their wives as intellectual peers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a big law partner and a lot of my male colleagues have wives who are SAHMs. I'm not super involved in their marriages, obviously, but just from hearing how they talk amongst themselves, it seems like a lot of them lose respect for their wives. All conversations become about the kids or the household, and they start seeing their wives more as a mother to their kids than a true partner and equal. They do love their wives, and I think their marriages are mostly happy, but it does sometimes feel like they see their colleagues (male and female) as their peers and their wives as a step beneath - and that's with the good ones. As you probably know, cheating is rampant in big law. This may be unique to law, and big law in particular, where people tend to make their career their personality and most of their self worth.

My husband is a big law partner and I’m a SAHM and right now he’s working his a$$ off. What kind of law do you do that gives you time to hang out in DCUM in the middle of the day?

PP - I'm in M&A and just closed two big deals, so I don't have much of anything going on for the next few days. I know you're just being snarky, but for the sake of anyone who is reading this and wondering, big law partners generally do have a decent amount of down time between cases/transactions. If your husband is telling you otherwise, you should be asking questions. The past two years were a bit of an outlier because the corporate market was absolutely insane, but it's started to slow down and go back to normal.

[Anonymous]

I did not feel a big difference between working and being a SAHM, but I didn’t start off the way that you did. My marriage was more that he had the big job and earned more money and didn’t do much housework or childcare. We always had a joint account, and spent less than we made. It didn’t really change when I stopped earning a paycheck. He was fine with whatever I spent.
I was out of the workforce from 2016-2021. He knows that I didn’t work for a while, but I’m not 100% sure that he could tell you how long I was out of the workforce or when I went back. Other than the fact that he is solo with the kids sometimes, my job just isn’t a big part of our relationship or his life.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think there’s a universal experience here. In my SAHM years, we still treated money as joint, even though I wasn’t working. He has never once questioned any of my purchases or spending habits. I work now but he makes many multiples of my salary, so it’s not even that different (I work in the non-profit sector and am successful but will never have his earning potential).

I obviously took on way more house/kid stuff than he did. He often vocalized his appreciation for how hard I worked and things like “I couldn’t do what you’re doing,” meaning full-time parenting, and I know that he meant it. Once I started working again, we had to be intentional about rebalancing responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a big law partner and a lot of my male colleagues have wives who are SAHMs. I'm not super involved in their marriages, obviously, but just from hearing how they talk amongst themselves, it seems like a lot of them lose respect for their wives. All conversations become about the kids or the household, and they start seeing their wives more as a mother to their kids than a true partner and equal. They do love their wives, and I think their marriages are mostly happy, but it does sometimes feel like they see their colleagues (male and female) as their peers and their wives as a step beneath - and that's with the good ones. As you probably know, cheating is rampant in big law. This may be unique to law, and big law in particular, where people tend to make their career their personality and most of their self worth.

My husband is a big law partner and I’m a SAHM and right now he’s working his a$$ off. What kind of law do you do that gives you time to hang out in DCUM in the middle of the day?

PP - I'm in M&A and just closed two big deals, so I don't have much of anything going on for the next few days. I know you're just being snarky, but for the sake of anyone who is reading this and wondering, big law partners generally do have a decent amount of down time between cases/transactions. If your husband is telling you otherwise, you should be asking questions. The past two years were a bit of an outlier because the corporate market was absolutely insane, but it's started to slow down and go back to normal.

Oh he does, but when he isn’t working his an off he is working out, gardening, hanging out with people, etc. I’d love it if he had a job that let him do something like that plus something that’s as much of a waste as DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The SAHMs on here will tell you things are perfect and their DH's respect them as equals, nay, respect them more than ever.

The people with paid jobs on here will tell you this is not the dynamic they observe. The respect is more patronizing, and definitely not as a peer. I agree with the PP above who says law firm partners have an uncomfortable relationship with their sahws. They really do love and respect their wives, but when they say "she has the hardest job in the world" while the DH's work 90 hours a week, can't exercise, don't see their kids, and their doctor is telling them their heart numbers are creeping up.... (none of those things that they are happy about) - there is something disingenuous about the whole thing. At minimum, they definitely don't think of their wives as intellectual peers.

I find this strange and I work. Most men are too narcissistic to really care how their wife spends her daytime hours. They put their own career first typically and don’t care what you do unless money is tight. I find it odd that so many people on here think their husband is very into their wife’s career. It’s not like the wife and husband work together.

[Anonymous]

I am a SAHM. It is actually a pretty unequal relationship. My DH makes the money but I am the one who is spending and making financial decisions. I make decisions about where we will live, what we will wear, what we will eat, how we will travel, who we will invite, what my kids will do. I assign tasks to my DH related to housework, kids education and ECs etc, and he will do the tasks, but the research, planning and delegation is entirely on to me.

I am the boss of our domestic world - household, staffing, kids education, ECs. medical, finances, maintainence, repairs, remodeling, social obligations, family time, vacations, entertaining and networking. So, I feel it is a pretty unequal relationship at home. DH follows my lead but I am leading. Of course, outside the house and in the workplace DH is the one who is the high performer making the $$$. I only do twice a year entertaining of his work colleagues.

Does my DH has a say in our homelife? Sure. He does. He and I share the same vision and goals. He too wants us to live in a wonderfully run house. He wants the kids to do very well and win accolades WHILE also being happy, healthy and fulfilled. He wants us to have a thriving social circle and maintain ties with family and friends. He wants us to be entertaining very frequently. He wants us to be involved in our pet causes and passion projects. He wants us to travel and have time for our hobbies. He sees my successes as contributing to the family's success. We also have a great marriage and we have been with each other for 30+ years. Things are going swimmingly. But, no, it is not an equal relationship at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a big law partner and a lot of my male colleagues have wives who are SAHMs. I'm not super involved in their marriages, obviously, but just from hearing how they talk amongst themselves, it seems like a lot of them lose respect for their wives. All conversations become about the kids or the household, and they start seeing their wives more as a mother to their kids than a true partner and equal. They do love their wives, and I think their marriages are mostly happy, but it does sometimes feel like they see their colleagues (male and female) as their peers and their wives as a step beneath - and that's with the good ones. As you probably know, cheating is rampant in big law. This may be unique to law, and big law in particular, where people tend to make their career their personality and most of their self worth.

My husband is a big law partner and I’m a SAHM and right now he’s working his a$$ off. What kind of law do you do that gives you time to hang out in DCUM in the middle of the day?

PP - I'm in M&A and just closed two big deals, so I don't have much of anything going on for the next few days. I know you're just being snarky, but for the sake of anyone who is reading this and wondering, big law partners generally do have a decent amount of down time between cases/transactions. If your husband is telling you otherwise, you should be asking questions. The past two years were a bit of an outlier because the corporate market was absolutely insane, but it's started to slow down and go back to normal.

Oh he does, but when he isn’t working his an off he is working out, gardening, hanging out with people, etc. I’d love it if he had a job that let him do something like that plus something that’s as much of a waste as DCUM.

Maybe he secretly reads DCUM on his phone and you don't realize?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From what I've seen the marriages are happy but the wives are pretty strict with their spending and create a budget and follow it. They have immaculate well designed homes and are expected to raise their children well and keep fit and be friends with the wives of their husband's friends. They also do all the planning for the family and the kids, are home for the contractors and other appointments and don't complain much.

I also see the dads being pretty flirtatious in middle age but that seems to be everyone I've seen. Working and non working dads.

Henh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The SAHMs on here will tell you things are perfect and their DH's respect them as equals, nay, respect them more than ever.

The people with paid jobs on here will tell you this is not the dynamic they observe. The respect is more patronizing, and definitely not as a peer. I agree with the PP above who says law firm partners have an uncomfortable relationship with their sahws. They really do love and respect their wives, but when they say "she has the hardest job in the world" while the DH's work 90 hours a week, can't exercise, don't see their kids, and their doctor is telling them their heart numbers are creeping up.... (none of those things that they are happy about) - there is something disingenuous about the whole thing. At minimum, they definitely don't think of their wives as intellectual peers.

I work but I find this comment more patronizing than most things I've heard working dads say about their SAHM wives, to be honest.

If someone tells me that they have a good dynamic and an equitable marriage, I take them at their word. I find it really gross to sit there and second guess it and say "oh you say that but I think your husband doesn't view you as a peer." It's just crazy judgmental and it's not up to you to decide what the internal dynamic of someone else's marriage is.

This is going to vary a lot depending on the people involved, but PP's attitude that SAHMs cannot be intellectual or truly valued as much as their husband's are really rubs me the wrong way. Raising kids and taking care of a home are valuable jobs that SAHMs don't get paychecks for. I'm sure sometimes their husbands don't respect or appreciate it, but also I think sometimes they do.

Also, you don't need one partner to work 90 hour weeks in order to afford a SAHP. Many single-income families I know of just arrange their budget around one income and that person works reasonable hours. These families are not rich or jetting around the world on vacation or fully funding four 529s or anything, but they are financially sound and have relatively low-stress lives and appear to have good marriages where one spouse works a decent paying job (in most cases making like 200-250k) and the other does a lot of the work they'd otherwise outsource and manages the budget, and it's pretty symbiotic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a big law partner and a lot of my male colleagues have wives who are SAHMs. I'm not super involved in their marriages, obviously, but just from hearing how they talk amongst themselves, it seems like a lot of them lose respect for their wives. All conversations become about the kids or the household, and they start seeing their wives more as a mother to their kids than a true partner and equal. They do love their wives, and I think their marriages are mostly happy, but it does sometimes feel like they see their colleagues (male and female) as their peers and their wives as a step beneath - and that's with the good ones. As you probably know, cheating is rampant in big law. This may be unique to law, and big law in particular, where people tend to make their career their personality and most of their self worth.

My husband is a big law partner and I’m a SAHM and right now he’s working his a$$ off. What kind of law do you do that gives you time to hang out in DCUM in the middle of the day?

PP - I'm in M&A and just closed two big deals, so I don't have much of anything going on for the next few days. I know you're just being snarky, but for the sake of anyone who is reading this and wondering, big law partners generally do have a decent amount of down time between cases/transactions. If your husband is telling you otherwise, you should be asking questions. The past two years were a bit of an outlier because the corporate market was absolutely insane, but it's started to slow down and go back to normal.

Oh he does, but when he isn’t working his an off he is working out, gardening, hanging out with people, etc. I’d love it if he had a job that let him do something like that plus something that’s as much of a waste as DCUM.

Maybe he secretly reads DCUM on his phone and you don't realize?

Lol maybe but he is kind of judgey about it so that would be quite hypocritical of him!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a big law partner and a lot of my male colleagues have wives who are SAHMs. I'm not super involved in their marriages, obviously, but just from hearing how they talk amongst themselves, it seems like a lot of them lose respect for their wives. All conversations become about the kids or the household, and they start seeing their wives more as a mother to their kids than a true partner and equal. They do love their wives, and I think their marriages are mostly happy, but it does sometimes feel like they see their colleagues (male and female) as their peers and their wives as a step beneath - and that's with the good ones. As you probably know, cheating is rampant in big law. This may be unique to law, and big law in particular, where people tend to make their career their personality and most of their self worth.

My husband is a big law partner and I’m a SAHM and right now he’s working his a$$ off. What kind of law do you do that gives you time to hang out in DCUM in the middle of the day?

PP - I'm in M&A and just closed two big deals, so I don't have much of anything going on for the next few days. I know you're just being snarky, but for the sake of anyone who is reading this and wondering, big law partners generally do have a decent amount of down time between cases/transactions. If your husband is telling you otherwise, you should be asking questions. The past two years were a bit of an outlier because the corporate market was absolutely insane, but it's started to slow down and go back to normal.

It's real easy to generalize about big law partners, marriages, and genders. I should know, because I was a big law partner who retired (very) early. My spouse was a SAHM. I never consider her to be merely the "mother of my children" and relied on her throughout my career for professional and common sense advice. I also never met a woman partner who was enjoyable to be around or who appeared happy. They were almost universally miserable and nasty, many never married, and many didn't have kids. But, then again, I'm not privy to what they're really thinking or feeling, right? But guess what: you are not privy to what's going on in your law partners' marriages, either.