SAHMs and marriage dynamics?

[Anonymous]

How does being a SAHM change the dynamics of a marriage? I make a similar amount as DH and never have to think twice if I want to buy something for myself (within reason, of course). I expect DH to share housework/childcare equally. We make decisions collectively and neither of us has the final say. Everything just feels very equal and balanced in our relationship. Does that all go out the window if you're a SAHM? How does it work?

I worked and made as much as my DH, and our relationship operated much like yours. We both decided it would be better for our family if I stayed home, and nothing changed. My DH still helps with laundry, is very involved with the kids, and we discuss everything. Our relationship has always been balanced and equal, and that did not change when I became a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think many of you are equating income to power, and I just don’t see that in my family, at least. Power in what way? To make decisions? No. That’s not how it works. Usually the SAH parent makes most of the decisions.

OP. Actually one of the reasons I posted was because a friend who’s a SAHM recently told me she wanted a second kid but her husband didn’t so they didn’t have one. Seems like she’s pretty sad about it. I don’t know exactly how it went down but I can imagine her husband thinking he has the final say because he makes money? Not sure.

Kind of a stupid assumption. It’s pretty common sense that the partner who doesn’t want more kids has veto power.

That doesn’t really have anything to do with a parent SAH or not. The only reason it might matter is if the DH thought they couldn’t afford another kid with only one income.

Well, let’s say technically they could afford another kid but the husband just didn’t want the extra responsibility. Can’t he argue that he makes all the money and he doesn’t WANT to support another kid (and do extra work because he has a job and it’s hard enough)?
Does that never happen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a big law partner and a lot of my male colleagues have wives who are SAHMs. I'm not super involved in their marriages, obviously, but just from hearing how they talk amongst themselves, it seems like a lot of them lose respect for their wives. All conversations become about the kids or the household, and they start seeing their wives more as a mother to their kids than a true partner and equal. They do love their wives, and I think their marriages are mostly happy, but it does sometimes feel like they see their colleagues (male and female) as their peers and their wives as a step beneath - and that's with the good ones. As you probably know, cheating is rampant in big law. This may be unique to law, and big law in particular, where people tend to make their career their personality and most of their self worth.

My husband is a big law partner and I’m a SAHM and right now he’s working his a$$ off. What kind of law do you do that gives you time to hang out in DCUM in the middle of the day?

I guarantee he has time for DCUM and plenty of other things you don't want to know about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a working mom with a pretty impressive job.

I think the women who really think their husbands care about their resumes and view them as equal professionals are delusional. Men typically care to the extent you’re not giving them a hard time, it makes their life easier, and they are okay financially. A marriage is NOT successful because the wife has an impressive resume and it gives her husband a hard on.

I agree with this. DH doesn't care at all how much money I do or dont make. He's happy if he's getting laid and I don't give him a hard time. Appreciates it when I dress up and look nice. Appreciates that the kids are smart (due to genetics and environment) but probably doesn't care that I am. I have a fancy resume and so does he but it's not a big deal to him.

Not true in my circle. When wives have "impressive" jobs (successful doctor, lawyer, policy etc) the men in our circle are very, very focused on it. It's seen as a real status symbol.

Of course, i assume that the type of women who are less focused on careers end up with men who are less focused on women with careers - so they are probably happy together. Likewise, women and men who are both very into women have high professional aspirations are likely to end up together. In other words, people end up with the type of person they should.

Perhaps this is a new money circle?? Yes, in some cities like NY viewed favorably to have a big job. But there are plenty of SAHMs married to very successful men.

[Anonymous]

I would guess some of the impact comes down to who manages the money day to day. I'm that person in our family and we've been through both working, me a SAHM, me having a PT job, both working, and recently DH was laid off so we're back to one income while he's job searching. We're both really frugal naturally so there is not any micromanaging each other on day to day spending. I think one thing that made me comfortable switching to SAHM when we had a baby was that when we both worked (similar salaries), DH was from the beginning really clear that we are partners and money is all "ours".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a working mom with a pretty impressive job.

I think the women who really think their husbands care about their resumes and view them as equal professionals are delusional. Men typically care to the extent you’re not giving them a hard time, it makes their life easier, and they are okay financially. A marriage is NOT successful because the wife has an impressive resume and it gives her husband a hard on.

It really depends on the man and what he wants out of a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a working mom with a pretty impressive job.

I think the women who really think their husbands care about their resumes and view them as equal professionals are delusional. Men typically care to the extent you’re not giving them a hard time, it makes their life easier, and they are okay financially. A marriage is NOT successful because the wife has an impressive resume and it gives her husband a hard on.

I agree with this. DH doesn't care at all how much money I do or dont make. He's happy if he's getting laid and I don't give him a hard time. Appreciates it when I dress up and look nice. Appreciates that the kids are smart (due to genetics and environment) but probably doesn't care that I am. I have a fancy resume and so does he but it's not a big deal to him.

Not true in my circle. When wives have "impressive" jobs (successful doctor, lawyer, policy etc) the men in our circle are very, very focused on it. It's seen as a real status symbol.

Of course, i assume that the type of women who are less focused on careers end up with men who are less focused on women with careers - so they are probably happy together. Likewise, women and men who are both very into women have high professional aspirations are likely to end up together. In other words, people end up with the type of person they should.

Perhaps this is a new money circle?? Yes, in some cities like NY viewed favorably to have a big job. But there are plenty of SAHMs married to very successful men.

Adding that I can see a man who really came from nothing being impressed by a woman’s resume. Where I’m from, success is kind of a given and there isn’t a lot of focus on a woman’s career in the long term. No one cares if you SAH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a working mom with a pretty impressive job.

I think the women who really think their husbands care about their resumes and view them as equal professionals are delusional. Men typically care to the extent you’re not giving them a hard time, it makes their life easier, and they are okay financially. A marriage is NOT successful because the wife has an impressive resume and it gives her husband a hard on.

I agree with this. DH doesn't care at all how much money I do or dont make. He's happy if he's getting laid and I don't give him a hard time. Appreciates it when I dress up and look nice. Appreciates that the kids are smart (due to genetics and environment) but probably doesn't care that I am. I have a fancy resume and so does he but it's not a big deal to him.

Not true in my circle. When wives have "impressive" jobs (successful doctor, lawyer, policy etc) the men in our circle are very, very focused on it. It's seen as a real status symbol.

Of course, i assume that the type of women who are less focused on careers end up with men who are less focused on women with careers - so they are probably happy together. Likewise, women and men who are both very into women have high professional aspirations are likely to end up together. In other words, people end up with the type of person they should.

Perhaps this is a new money circle?? Yes, in some cities like NY viewed favorably to have a big job. But there are plenty of SAHMs married to very successful men.

In my circle those very successful women quit to become stay at home moms once the kids arrive. I just look around at my private school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think many of you are equating income to power, and I just don’t see that in my family, at least. Power in what way? To make decisions? No. That’s not how it works. Usually the SAH parent makes most of the decisions.

OP. Actually one of the reasons I posted was because a friend who’s a SAHM recently told me she wanted a second kid but her husband didn’t so they didn’t have one. Seems like she’s pretty sad about it. I don’t know exactly how it went down but I can imagine her husband thinking he has the final say because he makes money? Not sure.

Kind of a stupid assumption. It’s pretty common sense that the partner who doesn’t want more kids has veto power.

That doesn’t really have anything to do with a parent SAH or not. The only reason it might matter is if the DH thought they couldn’t afford another kid with only one income.

It’s very different to say “I don’t want any other child because I don’t think we can afford it on one income” and “I’m putting half our assets in Tesla stock and you can’t stop me because I make the money,” or “you’re not allowed to buy a new couch but I can get a new car” or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a working mom with a pretty impressive job.

I think the women who really think their husbands care about their resumes and view them as equal professionals are delusional. Men typically care to the extent you’re not giving them a hard time, it makes their life easier, and they are okay financially. A marriage is NOT successful because the wife has an impressive resume and it gives her husband a hard on.

I agree with this. DH doesn't care at all how much money I do or dont make. He's happy if he's getting laid and I don't give him a hard time. Appreciates it when I dress up and look nice. Appreciates that the kids are smart (due to genetics and environment) but probably doesn't care that I am. I have a fancy resume and so does he but it's not a big deal to him.

Not true in my circle. When wives have "impressive" jobs (successful doctor, lawyer, policy etc) the men in our circle are very, very focused on it. It's seen as a real status symbol.

Of course, i assume that the type of women who are less focused on careers end up with men who are less focused on women with careers - so they are probably happy together. Likewise, women and men who are both very into women have high professional aspirations are likely to end up together. In other words, people end up with the type of person they should.

Perhaps this is a new money circle?? Yes, in some cities like NY viewed favorably to have a big job. But there are plenty of SAHMs married to very successful men.

Adding that I can see a man who really came from nothing being impressed by a woman’s resume. Where I’m from, success is kind of a given and there isn’t a lot of focus on a woman’s career in the long term. No one cares if you SAH.

Stupid question but what is old money and new money? Is old money family wealth that’s passed down vs making it on your own? -someone totally self made

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think many of you are equating income to power, and I just don’t see that in my family, at least. Power in what way? To make decisions? No. That’s not how it works. Usually the SAH parent makes most of the decisions.

OP. Actually one of the reasons I posted was because a friend who’s a SAHM recently told me she wanted a second kid but her husband didn’t so they didn’t have one. Seems like she’s pretty sad about it. I don’t know exactly how it went down but I can imagine her husband thinking he has the final say because he makes money? Not sure.

I doubt it. He probably earnestly doesn’t want kids. This is a common conversation. Often couples are on the same page, but it’s common to disagree as well. Better to sort this out before you get married!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think many of you are equating income to power, and I just don’t see that in my family, at least. Power in what way? To make decisions? No. That’s not how it works. Usually the SAH parent makes most of the decisions.

OP. Actually one of the reasons I posted was because a friend who’s a SAHM recently told me she wanted a second kid but her husband didn’t so they didn’t have one. Seems like she’s pretty sad about it. I don’t know exactly how it went down but I can imagine her husband thinking he has the final say because he makes money? Not sure.

No vote always wins this debate. It has nothing to do with whether the mom is working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry if this has been posted about before.

How does being a SAHM change the dynamics of a marriage? I make a similar amount as DH and never have to think twice if I want to buy something for myself (within reason, of course). I expect DH to share housework/childcare equally. We make decisions collectively and neither of us has the final say. Everything just feels very equal and balanced in our relationship. Does that all go out the window if you're a SAHM? How does it work?

Being equal and having equal responsibilities are two different things. If one person is working and commuting for most of the day, distribution is going to be uneven. What matters is having equal respect and say, which is people and circumstances dependent. If you two work as a team, roles and responsibilities are fluid, aim and target are the same.

That being said, don't do it. Not because you two can't do it well but because society will treat you as an outcast and put zero value on your role.

What society are you talking about? I am a SAHM with a wonderful group of girl friends, other parents/couples we socialize with, a religious community I worship with weekly, a school community that can count on me to help out and community volunteer organizations who know I am committed, reliable and caring. I don’t feel like anyone looks at me as having zero value and never have. I have never been treated as an outcast but rather a valued member of the community. Most importantly, my family doesn’t believe that.

[Anonymous]

To be fair, really ambitious men need SAHM or women with flexible hobby jobs so they can have families but still have all the hours to climb career ladder. They do prefer women with fancy degree or pedigree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To be fair, really ambitious men need SAHM or women with flexible hobby jobs so they can have families but still have all the hours to climb career ladder. They do prefer women with fancy degree or pedigree.

Same goes for really ambitious women.