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[quote=Anonymous]I am in your situation OP. My husband is super engaged, a loving dad, and he loves our kids fiercely. But he also had a temper and when he loses it he says some really awful stuff to  the kids. He always repairs, but it’s a huge sticking point with me and in our relationship.

My dad was like this too, but to a much lesser extent. But he swore at us sometimes, slammed doors, etc. I don’t consider him abusive and we always have had a good relationship. I have also witnessed and heard about similar behavior from other friends, and I think it’s more common behavior among dads than many people realize.

I would be really curious what the marriage counselor says about it? What is their advice?

Personally I am sticking with it and doing my utmost to try and not let my DH’s dysregulation impact me. When he gets angry, I try to get more calm. When he yells at the kids, I tell them quietly when I am able to that it’s not ok that dad is yelling, it’s not their fault, they don’t deserve to be yelled at, etc. and I make sure he repairs with them - which he always does eventually. I definitely lose my cool and yell at our kids sometimes, so I am by no means a saint, but I am trying hard to live up to a higher standard for myself. I also have started walking away if he gets verbally abusive with me. I literally just put on my shoes and leave the house and go for a walk and leave him with the kids (he is not and has never been physically abusive so they are perfectly safe, he just has some immature and underdeveloped coping skills). Or I just get super quiet and don’t engage because he wants me to and the moment I do it just escalates. It’s not healthy, but I’m using coping strategies and trying to figure out different ways to approach it while trying to minimize the harms to my kids.

And to those who think divorce is easier or are superimposing your own trauma history onto OP, just stop. Divorce is so hard and OP’s situation is not your situation. I feel like you’re getting a lot of triggered people responding from their own traumatic childhoods and not recognizing that each situation is different. [/quote]

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