Anyone else here struggle with your feelings about ppl who don’t work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have these sort of involuntary mental reactions to - for example - social media posts from friends whose kids are in school full time but they don’t have a job/ anything they do - and they’re just doing nothing. I work crazy bananas hard and always have - and make a pretty decent salary. At one point I stopped working when the kids were little - but got pretty depressed and went back. Am I just jealous of them? I don’t want to be judgmental so why does my brain do this? I’m sure it is hiding a deeper feeling and my therapist has said I need to figure out what is triggering me

I don't struggle with my feelings. I'm very comfortable judging them.

Our society functions because people work. Those who choose not to work are riding on the coattails of those who do. Most/all of them have value to add to society, yet they decline to do so. That's selfish.

There's a lot of grey space in this perception. Some SAHM/Ds are contributing through the legitimate care of their young or SN kids while others are somehow okay justifying their days of yoga and book clubs by pointing to their clean house and transportation of middle-schoolers to soccer practice - things the rest of us do on top of full time employment. Some wealthy unemployed dedicate their lives to worthy causes, while others post on IG for clout.

I don't think this is a matter for therapy. It's okay to judge poor behavior. And enjoying the benefits of our society/culture/country while failing to contribute is exactly that.

Can I ask you a logistical question? How does someone with a full-time job keep their house clean, get their kids to school/activities and all the other places kids need to be (with all the stuff they need with them for those activities)?

I'm not being snarky, I don't understand how this works. My kids are still young and I am trying to figure out how to make this work as they age into school and the best we've come up with is "hire housecleaners and a nanny to drive them to things and stay on top of laundry/food/etc." And as I'm pricing that out and looking at our salaries.... I am confused as to how other families make this work. I don't want to quit my job to clean the house and chauffeur the kids but I also just do not understand how this works logistically if you really do have two full time jobs, especially if they are both in person jobs and not the kind with flexible hours.

I'm busy all day both before and after work, our house isn't as clean as I would like, we don't eat as healthily as I would like, I'm exhausted and I don't think I can keep up full time work for much longer. That's reality for me. My work is pretty flexible but I just can't do everything, and my spouse works full-time in an office. My kids are in elementary and middle school.

This is the truth for most dual income couples. For the ones it's not the truth for, they are outsourcing a lot.

In other words, there is enormous value in having a SAHP, even when your kids are school age. Raising kids and taking care of a family home requires a lot of work. Someone is doing it, no matter what. Either one or both parents are working a double shift, you're hiring people, or the house/family is always right on the edge of going to pieces (producing a ton of stress for all involved).

This is why I will never understand the people who act like SAHPs with school age kids are just lazy. I guess some small percentage of SAHPs have so much money from their spouse's income that they are outsourcing everything in addition to not working. I'll grant that those people might be lazy (or maybe they are building a business you don't know about, or caring for an elderly parent, or have a disability, as others on this thread have pointed out). But most SAHPs are just doing all the stuff that working parents either outsource or squeeze into the hours between when the finish work and fall asleep. Doesn't that stuff have value? If it didn't, you wouldn't do it.

[Anonymous]

I did, for a long time. I always aspired to be a career person (deliberately leaving out choice of profession), not a SAHM. There was no such thing as a remote job, while I was growing up. My mom worked full time in an office, my dad worked full time, they worked hard, and anyone who did not contribute in that way, after getting an education, was considered lazy, in our household.

Truth is, there are lazy people in offices, too - people who watch YouTube all day, every day. I have seen it. I also know people who worked part time, from home, most of their career - and consider it an accomplishment when they retire. My mother would have had a field day with either of those examples.

I subscribed to (people who aren't cut out for full time office work are lazy) for many years. When I went to my reunions, or caught up with grad school friends, they could not believe I was a SAHM for some years. They honestly thought I was joking - and this was without knowing my personal sentiment about the topic.

Life changes when you have kids. If people have the option, and are so inclined, they stay home. Some women do better going to an office each day - my mom was probably one of those.

Either is fine, really. I have done both, but it depends on the personality and capability, on the whole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have these sort of involuntary mental reactions to - for example - social media posts from friends whose kids are in school full time but they don’t have a job/ anything they do - and they’re just doing nothing. I work crazy bananas hard and always have - and make a pretty decent salary. At one point I stopped working when the kids were little - but got pretty depressed and went back. Am I just jealous of them? I don’t want to be judgmental so why does my brain do this? I’m sure it is hiding a deeper feeling and my therapist has said I need to figure out what is triggering me

I don't struggle with my feelings. I'm very comfortable judging them.

Our society functions because people work. Those who choose not to work are riding on the coattails of those who do. Most/all of them have value to add to society, yet they decline to do so. That's selfish.

There's a lot of grey space in this perception. Some SAHM/Ds are contributing through the legitimate care of their young or SN kids while others are somehow okay justifying their days of yoga and book clubs by pointing to their clean house and transportation of middle-schoolers to soccer practice - things the rest of us do on top of full time employment. Some wealthy unemployed dedicate their lives to worthy causes, while others post on IG for clout.

I don't think this is a matter for therapy. It's okay to judge poor behavior. And enjoying the benefits of our society/culture/country while failing to contribute is exactly that.

Can I ask you a logistical question? How does someone with a full-time job keep their house clean, get their kids to school/activities and all the other places kids need to be (with all the stuff they need with them for those activities)?

I'm not being snarky, I don't understand how this works. My kids are still young and I am trying to figure out how to make this work as they age into school and the best we've come up with is "hire housecleaners and a nanny to drive them to things and stay on top of laundry/food/etc." And as I'm pricing that out and looking at our salaries.... I am confused as to how other families make this work. I don't want to quit my job to clean the house and chauffeur the kids but I also just do not understand how this works logistically if you really do have two full time jobs, especially if they are both in person jobs and not the kind with flexible hours.

I'm busy all day both before and after work, our house isn't as clean as I would like, we don't eat as healthily as I would like, I'm exhausted and I don't think I can keep up full time work for much longer. That's reality for me. My work is pretty flexible but I just can't do everything, and my spouse works full-time in an office. My kids are in elementary and middle school.

This is the truth for most dual income couples. For the ones it's not the truth for, they are outsourcing a lot.

In other words, there is enormous value in having a SAHP, even when your kids are school age. Raising kids and taking care of a family home requires a lot of work. Someone is doing it, no matter what. Either one or both parents are working a double shift, you're hiring people, or the house/family is always right on the edge of going to pieces (producing a ton of stress for all involved).

This is why I will never understand the people who act like SAHPs with school age kids are just lazy. I guess some small percentage of SAHPs have so much money from their spouse's income that they are outsourcing everything in addition to not working. I'll grant that those people might be lazy (or maybe they are building a business you don't know about, or caring for an elderly parent, or have a disability, as others on this thread have pointed out). But most SAHPs are just doing all the stuff that working parents either outsource or squeeze into the hours between when the finish work and fall asleep. Doesn't that stuff have value? If it didn't, you wouldn't do it.

PP here. The SAHMs having full time, permanent (not just when the kids are little) outside help is what I notice. Hard to say that is not lazy.

[Anonymous]

Any kind of dysfunction in the family - bad marriage, financial troubles, eldercare, childcare, SN kid, disease, disability, addiction, infertility, divorce ...all of these things makes life harder not easier.

As a SAHM, I always thought that juggling work and parenting was hardest. Hats off to WOHMs who can do it all. I have done it to as a WOHM with small kids and it wrung the life out of me. I am much happier as a SAHM. Happier, healthier, better relationships all around, low stress, better social life, better QOL.

Why would I argue that I work harder than WOHMs? I don't. It is many times easier to be a SAHM. At least, I feel that my life as a SAHM is a ride in the gravy train. And I pray to God that I don't have to ever work that hard.

I am not an idiot. I do not want the respect of people who work hard and who I meet in parties. I don't care about their silent judgement because I am pretty satisfied with my life. It has not impacted my social life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have these sort of involuntary mental reactions to - for example - social media posts from friends whose kids are in school full time but they don’t have a job/ anything they do - and they’re just doing nothing. I work crazy bananas hard and always have - and make a pretty decent salary. At one point I stopped working when the kids were little - but got pretty depressed and went back. Am I just jealous of them? I don’t want to be judgmental so why does my brain do this? I’m sure it is hiding a deeper feeling and my therapist has said I need to figure out what is triggering me

I don't struggle with my feelings. I'm very comfortable judging them.

Our society functions because people work. Those who choose not to work are riding on the coattails of those who do. Most/all of them have value to add to society, yet they decline to do so. That's selfish.

There's a lot of grey space in this perception. Some SAHM/Ds are contributing through the legitimate care of their young or SN kids while others are somehow okay justifying their days of yoga and book clubs by pointing to their clean house and transportation of middle-schoolers to soccer practice - things the rest of us do on top of full time employment. Some wealthy unemployed dedicate their lives to worthy causes, while others post on IG for clout.

I don't think this is a matter for therapy. It's okay to judge poor behavior. And enjoying the benefits of our society/culture/country while failing to contribute is exactly that.

Can I ask you a logistical question? How does someone with a full-time job keep their house clean, get their kids to school/activities and all the other places kids need to be (with all the stuff they need with them for those activities)?

I'm not being snarky, I don't understand how this works. My kids are still young and I am trying to figure out how to make this work as they age into school and the best we've come up with is "hire housecleaners and a nanny to drive them to things and stay on top of laundry/food/etc." And as I'm pricing that out and looking at our salaries.... I am confused as to how other families make this work. I don't want to quit my job to clean the house and chauffeur the kids but I also just do not understand how this works logistically if you really do have two full time jobs, especially if they are both in person jobs and not the kind with flexible hours.

I'm busy all day both before and after work, our house isn't as clean as I would like, we don't eat as healthily as I would like, I'm exhausted and I don't think I can keep up full time work for much longer. That's reality for me. My work is pretty flexible but I just can't do everything, and my spouse works full-time in an office. My kids are in elementary and middle school.

This is the truth for most dual income couples. For the ones it's not the truth for, they are outsourcing a lot.

In other words, there is enormous value in having a SAHP, even when your kids are school age. Raising kids and taking care of a family home requires a lot of work. Someone is doing it, no matter what. Either one or both parents are working a double shift, you're hiring people, or the house/family is always right on the edge of going to pieces (producing a ton of stress for all involved).

This is why I will never understand the people who act like SAHPs with school age kids are just lazy. I guess some small percentage of SAHPs have so much money from their spouse's income that they are outsourcing everything in addition to not working. I'll grant that those people might be lazy (or maybe they are building a business you don't know about, or caring for an elderly parent, or have a disability, as others on this thread have pointed out). But most SAHPs are just doing all the stuff that working parents either outsource or squeeze into the hours between when the finish work and fall asleep. Doesn't that stuff have value? If it didn't, you wouldn't do it.

PP here. The SAHMs having full time, permanent (not just when the kids are little) outside help is what I notice. Hard to say that is not lazy.

I am a SAHM with lots of help (not full time though, even I cannot afford that). Kids are NT and grown. Lazy? Maybe. DH and kids don't mind. Anybody who knows me IRL does not mind. What should I do? Clean the 4000sqft house by myself? Clean the pool myself? Do landscaping myself? Or make my DH do it when he comes back from work? That is ridiculous! It is clear that this is just SES-jealousy.

[Anonymous]

"Am I just jealous of them?"

Yes, yes you are. Most people don't care how other people spend their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have these sort of involuntary mental reactions to - for example - social media posts from friends whose kids are in school full time but they don’t have a job/ anything they do - and they’re just doing nothing. I work crazy bananas hard and always have - and make a pretty decent salary. At one point I stopped working when the kids were little - but got pretty depressed and went back. Am I just jealous of them? I don’t want to be judgmental so why does my brain do this? I’m sure it is hiding a deeper feeling and my therapist has said I need to figure out what is triggering me

I don't struggle with my feelings. I'm very comfortable judging them.

Our society functions because people work. Those who choose not to work are riding on the coattails of those who do. Most/all of them have value to add to society, yet they decline to do so. That's selfish.

There's a lot of grey space in this perception. Some SAHM/Ds are contributing through the legitimate care of their young or SN kids while others are somehow okay justifying their days of yoga and book clubs by pointing to their clean house and transportation of middle-schoolers to soccer practice - things the rest of us do on top of full time employment. Some wealthy unemployed dedicate their lives to worthy causes, while others post on IG for clout.

I don't think this is a matter for therapy. It's okay to judge poor behavior. And enjoying the benefits of our society/culture/country while failing to contribute is exactly that.

Can I ask you a logistical question? How does someone with a full-time job keep their house clean, get their kids to school/activities and all the other places kids need to be (with all the stuff they need with them for those activities)?

I'm not being snarky, I don't understand how this works. My kids are still young and I am trying to figure out how to make this work as they age into school and the best we've come up with is "hire housecleaners and a nanny to drive them to things and stay on top of laundry/food/etc." And as I'm pricing that out and looking at our salaries.... I am confused as to how other families make this work. I don't want to quit my job to clean the house and chauffeur the kids but I also just do not understand how this works logistically if you really do have two full time jobs, especially if they are both in person jobs and not the kind with flexible hours.

Most working couples I know are fortunately able to stagger their work hours, so that one provides more coverage in the morning and the other after school. Or one spouse has a more flexible schedule, as I do. When my kids have activities, my DH takes when they are after 6:30 and I handle any that are earlier and make up the work time after dinner. We outsource most yard work, have groceries delivered, have a cleaning service twice a month, and resort to takeout or incredibly easy dinners during especially busy weeks. Working couples without any scheduling flexibility will often hire an au pair or PT babysitter who drives to handle afternoon activities. But in our case it does mean weekends are not that fun, since we inevitably have cleaning/organizing/errands/activities to manage. And are just plain tired!

So... given all that:

Couldn't it be argued that a SAHP with school age kids who kept the house clean (eliminating the need for house cleaners), got the kids from school and to activities on time and with everything they needed (eliminating the need for staggered schedules that would require someone to go in very early, or hiring a sitter or au pair to do these things), prepped healthy meals (eliminating the need for meal services and frequent take out and improving the quality of meals overall) is not "riding on the coattails" of working people but is, in fact, working and providing value to their family and to society at large? And that if they sometimes attend a book club or a yoga class, this is just a normal thing for a person to do with their free time and not something to resent or ridicule? And that they are not posting to social media to justify their lives, which are self-justifying, but just because they want to share something on social media?

It just seems like if the way the average two-income family solves the problem of taking care of the house and getting kids to activities and feeding the family does so by spending money on outsourcing and convenience items, and rearranging their schedules, there must be inherent value in instead having one parent stay home. It's weird to argue a SAHP of school age kids is providing nothing of value to society but that a professional house cleaner or a babysitter who performs the same duties for a family with two working parents is. What if the babysitter goes to yoga class after finishing her shift ferrying your kids around town? Does that negate her value to society?

Of course there is inherent value, for the children and for the working spouse. That's not really debatable. The key piece is whether or not a spouse *wants* to be a SAHP, not just for the benefit of the family but perhaps due to disinterest in working life or even a desire to preserve their sanity and health (it certainly isn't easy to do it all, whatever the white collar accommodations). I have a PhD, which I worked my @ss off for and always intended to use, even if it means my life gets unbalanced sometimes. And, yes, to refer to an earlier post, I had a miserable SAHM who garnered very little happiness, much less respect, from that choice. So, my desire to work is complicated, but I've worked too hard to get to where I am professionally to consider leaving, and I also receive ample direct and indirect benefits from my work that outweigh the challenge, at least the majority of the time. I'm also married to a man who appreciates my professional identity and is willing to support me (almost, ha ha) as much as I support him and our family. It works for us, but I think the reality of life for one or two working parents is generally tough, whatever family choices are made. What in life doesn't have pros and cons?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have these sort of involuntary mental reactions to - for example - social media posts from friends whose kids are in school full time but they don’t have a job/ anything they do - and they’re just doing nothing. I work crazy bananas hard and always have - and make a pretty decent salary. At one point I stopped working when the kids were little - but got pretty depressed and went back. Am I just jealous of them? I don’t want to be judgmental so why does my brain do this? I’m sure it is hiding a deeper feeling and my therapist has said I need to figure out what is triggering me

I don't struggle with my feelings. I'm very comfortable judging them.

Our society functions because people work. Those who choose not to work are riding on the coattails of those who do. Most/all of them have value to add to society, yet they decline to do so. That's selfish.

There's a lot of grey space in this perception. Some SAHM/Ds are contributing through the legitimate care of their young or SN kids while others are somehow okay justifying their days of yoga and book clubs by pointing to their clean house and transportation of middle-schoolers to soccer practice - things the rest of us do on top of full time employment. Some wealthy unemployed dedicate their lives to worthy causes, while others post on IG for clout.

I don't think this is a matter for therapy. It's okay to judge poor behavior. And enjoying the benefits of our society/culture/country while failing to contribute is exactly that.

Can I ask you a logistical question? How does someone with a full-time job keep their house clean, get their kids to school/activities and all the other places kids need to be (with all the stuff they need with them for those activities)?

I'm not being snarky, I don't understand how this works. My kids are still young and I am trying to figure out how to make this work as they age into school and the best we've come up with is "hire housecleaners and a nanny to drive them to things and stay on top of laundry/food/etc." And as I'm pricing that out and looking at our salaries.... I am confused as to how other families make this work. I don't want to quit my job to clean the house and chauffeur the kids but I also just do not understand how this works logistically if you really do have two full time jobs, especially if they are both in person jobs and not the kind with flexible hours.

PP here.

It's a good question. It can be hard and sometimes something can slip - laundry piles up, you grab take-out instead of cooking, you don't change the sheets as often as you used to. Your life will evolve to reflect your priorities. Ultimately, though, I think it's the corollary to Parkinson's Law which says work expands to fill the time allotted. Work can also compress to fill less time.

But I know that's not a helpful answer, even if it's the right one. More tactically, you need to find the support structures that help you. We never had a nanny, but we did use our school's after-school care through elementary. We shared transportation duties with other parents. Etc, etc. But, if I'm honest, for us the two biggest things have been 1) having a short commute and 2) having at least one spouse with a flexible job. Those two elements make us lucky, but I've seen plenty of parents make it work without those advantages.

[Anonymous]

Op - some good answers in here…
I think some of it is jealousy - NOT of not working at all (I was so depressed) but of the time flexibility.
I just don’t think i could possibly get that flex unless I start my own thing and I’m too highly comped to take that leap

[Anonymous]

I have advanced degrees, used to have a high level job at a well known company and used to work crazy hours. Then I burned out and took time off. I was so hard on myself- why can’t I do this? Why cant I handle this? Later I found out i have multiple autoimmune diseases that cause extreme fatigue. I wasnt burn out, it was a symptom of my conditions. Hardly anyone knows this. I know people gossip “must be nice”, “what does she do all day”. It’s hard to hear that. There are days when I can barely do the laundry and dishes without needing to rest. There are days when I go to yoga and volunteer at my kids school. I’m thankful I am in a position to put my health first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have very young kids (and work while the kids are in daycare) and I don't exactly struggle with my feelings about parents/people who don't have to work. I have an involuntary mental reaction of jealousy -- my mom was a SAHM mom and I have a wonderful relationship with her, so I often wish I could recreate a similar childhood for my kids. Unfortunately, it's not in the cards for me financially right now, although I'm trying to get there so I'll not be working crazy hours (hopefully not even full time) by the time my kids are in late elementary. But I don't judge them; I just remind myself everyone has their own challenges. Some people will have more or less at any point, but everyone's circumstances are truly unique and honestly something is ALWAYS hard, even if it's something that might seem trivial to an outsider.

To OP: I don't think you're jealous that they're staying at home and that you're not, since you said you did try staying home and it didn't work out, but you might be jealous that they seem to have figured out what appears to be (from the outside) a way to have minimal stress in their lives and that way is not available to you since you weren't comfortable staying home and work "crazy hours"? I know often I am wildly jealous of people who seem to have "figured things out" even if I don't necessarily want their actual life, I want their confidence with their choices. When I struggle with that, I usually remind myself of the above paragraph: everyone has hard things, and the external perception of confidence is not necessarily what someone is feeling inside.

+100
I feel that this is at the very soul of most jealous and envious reactions to others. If you are genuinely happy with your choices and your life you will not envy others. But if you are not fully content and confident in your choices -- regardless of what those choices are -- you will be susceptible to what others choose and do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - some good answers in here…
I think some of it is jealousy - NOT of not working at all (I was so depressed) but of the time flexibility.
I just don’t think i could possibly get that flex unless I start my own thing and I’m too highly comped to take that leap

Do you think it's guilt at all? You said you were depressed when you stayed home. Did you feel guilty about that depression? Like you should have felt fulfilled in the role of SAH mother and spouse? That could play into it too. Now when you see happy go lucky SAH parents, it angers you that they could take on that role without burden.

[Anonymous]

I am a full time working mom with two kids in Elementary School. Personally I don't have the choice to not work, so I have always worked and always will continue to work. I don't see Stay at Home Parents as lazy, but I do think they are taking a big risk by choosing to stay home, and that risk increases the longer they stay out of the work force. Their spouse (which let's be honest is typically the man) often sees his career benefit due to having a stay at home partner. They immediately fall into the mold of the traditional ideal employee - a hard working man with a family to support -- and their career improves because of it. Meanwhile the longer their stay at home wife stays out of the work force, the more stale her skills become and her earning prospects decrease if she ever wants to start working again. This can create a big power imbalance in the marriage, which can really change the relationship between spouses.

I've seen two friends who are SAHMs go through nasty divorces over the past few years, and they have both had to struggle with reentering the workforce, and it has reinforced for me that staying home is very risky for the stay at home spouse. One of my best friend's is a divorce attorney, and as she says, hitching yourself to someone else's wagon is never a good life plan.

[Anonymous]

Egad, why do women beat themselves and others up so much? My husband retired early before he was 50 because he had the money to, and he does volunteer and cook, but otherwise enjoys his glorious time. Good for people who can do that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have these sort of involuntary mental reactions to - for example - social media posts from friends whose kids are in school full time but they don’t have a job/ anything they do - and they’re just doing nothing. I work crazy bananas hard and always have - and make a pretty decent salary. At one point I stopped working when the kids were little - but got pretty depressed and went back. Am I just jealous of them? I don’t want to be judgmental so why does my brain do this? I’m sure it is hiding a deeper feeling and my therapist has said I need to figure out what is triggering me

I don't struggle with my feelings. I'm very comfortable judging them.

Our society functions because people work. Those who choose not to work are riding on the coattails of those who do. Most/all of them have value to add to society, yet they decline to do so. That's selfish.

There's a lot of grey space in this perception. Some SAHM/Ds are contributing through the legitimate care of their young or SN kids while others are somehow okay justifying their days of yoga and book clubs by pointing to their clean house and transportation of middle-schoolers to soccer practice - things the rest of us do on top of full time employment. Some wealthy unemployed dedicate their lives to worthy causes, while others post on IG for clout.

I don't think this is a matter for therapy. It's okay to judge poor behavior. And enjoying the benefits of our society/culture/country while failing to contribute is exactly that.

Can I ask you a logistical question? How does someone with a full-time job keep their house clean, get their kids to school/activities and all the other places kids need to be (with all the stuff they need with them for those activities)?

I'm not being snarky, I don't understand how this works. My kids are still young and I am trying to figure out how to make this work as they age into school and the best we've come up with is "hire housecleaners and a nanny to drive them to things and stay on top of laundry/food/etc." And as I'm pricing that out and looking at our salaries.... I am confused as to how other families make this work. I don't want to quit my job to clean the house and chauffeur the kids but I also just do not understand how this works logistically if you really do have two full time jobs, especially if they are both in person jobs and not the kind with flexible hours.

PP here.

It's a good question. It can be hard and sometimes something can slip - laundry piles up, you grab take-out instead of cooking, you don't change the sheets as often as you used to. Your life will evolve to reflect your priorities. Ultimately, though, I think it's the corollary to Parkinson's Law which says work expands to fill the time allotted. Work can also compress to fill less time.

But I know that's not a helpful answer, even if it's the right one. More tactically, you need to find the support structures that help you. We never had a nanny, but we did use our school's after-school care through elementary. We shared transportation duties with other parents. Etc, etc. But, if I'm honest, for us the two biggest things have been 1) having a short commute and 2) having at least one spouse with a flexible job. Those two elements make us lucky, but I've seen plenty of parents make it work without those advantages.

+1 I will say the only actual jealousy I ever feel is toward those who have parents around who help with the kids. Those are the dual income parents who have it all imo!