Anyone else here struggle with your feelings about ppl who don’t work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are all crazy. You are so quick to judge individuals based on like 4 facts about their lives. This reflects your own limitations and unhappiness, not theirs. Claiming to be worried that they will be in a bad position if they divorce? Girl, please.

Most SAHPs work. They are scrubbing toilets and wiping butts and doing laundry and running errands and making dinner. Even the stuff people complain is "make work" -- some of the school organizing, the decorating and organizing, the trips to Target... every job has some BS make-work in it. You really want to sit there and line your day up with a SAHMs to see which of you is more productive? Y'ALL ARE COMPLAINING ON DCUM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WORK DAY. Me too. None of us is busting our butts.

Sure, some of them might have wealth from their spouse or their family that enables them to outsource everything and lead lives of leisure. If you were independently wealthy without needing to work... would you go into an office every day and send your little emails and attend your little meetings and deal with the petty beaurocracy in your little organization? Where do you work? Law? Lobbying? Consultant? Insurance industry? I know you aren't nurses and school teachers because if you were, you'd be working not right, not fussing about "lazy parasites" on DCUM.

Your really going to tell me that you would work even if you absolutely didn't have to, and that whatever it is you do is more inherently valuable than taking care of children or a family home.

I'm a working mom and I think you all are self-important and ridiculous. My DH and I joke often about how long it would take us to quit our jobs if we were suddenly wealthy. As long as it takes to communicate my decision to leave to my employer, that's how long. I'm not a jerk, so I'll give you my standard two weeks to "ease the transition." Then I'm taking a year off to relax, then I'm finding some "life purpose" type job that probably doesn't even pay money where I can contribute without having to do all the dump little BS that I do in my money-making job because I need the money.

And you'd all do the same. Some of you wouldn't even go find your life's purpose, you'd just just keep going on vacation. You'd start decorating the house.

You are all full of it! You're just mad because you are working and work isn't that fun and you resent people who don't have to work. The end.

I don’t think this is true and I’m sad for you that you hate your job that much

Where did I say I hate my job? I really like my job. Great coworkers, flexible schedule, interesting work. And I’d still quit it if I didn’t have to work. I’d start a foundation and take up painting. Or open an art gallery. Or build a museum somewhere that doesn’t have one. I would not report in to my weekly team meeting or take calls from my one needy client or give up two weekends a year for retreats.

I love my job in the relative sense, as in this is a great job for a person who must work for a living with my temperament, education, and skill set. I don’t love it in the absolute sense like I love my children, fresh air, the sound a well-played string instrument makes, art museums, gentle animals, or freshly baked bread. I would not do my job if they didn’t pay me and I will bet you wouldn’t either.

Those things you mentioned are work. And I don’t think anyone looks down on SAHMs who have meaningful pursuits like those. Or meaningful responsibilities like young kids, SN kids, aging parents to care for, medical issues to handle. Also, I don’t think SAHMs should care if someone looks down on them. They should live their best life. We all should.

I believe PP's point is that a lot of people who look down at SAHMs for not working have no room to criticize. Many are just paper pushers who write emails to help a big company make more money and would jump at the chance to leave. And many of those would just relax and start doing the things these "lazy" SAHMs do like spend a good chunk of a workday decorating the house.

I think that defensiveness is getting in the way some of you understanding PP's point.

Also, no, SAHMs shouldn't care if somebody looks down on them, but I'm sure you can also agree people shouldn't look down on SAHMs and instead just live their best lives.

There is sexism at play here though. I wonder how many would struggle not to find it weird if a dh had stayed home when kids were young and then once they are at school during the day he still didn’t have any other strings to bow. There is no way that ppl would not privately wonder what is up there. It’s just that as society modernizes, more ppl are having this same thought about sahms. Esp now that work is so much more flexible and volunteering can be remote - it is sort of more and more salient. I guess it feels like where previously it was kind of an un questioned societal ‘given’, now there’s naturally a move to kind of noticing it.
Should anyone care what any other human being does is a different question but clearly that happens whether it should or not

Remote and “flexible” work just makes women have to take on more as they continue to do most of the household labor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM because one of my children has hidden special needs. Don’t be jealous.

Op - same!
It’s not just about jealousy of anyone who stays home. There is some envy of some ppl there but more complicated stuff at play.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are all crazy. You are so quick to judge individuals based on like 4 facts about their lives. This reflects your own limitations and unhappiness, not theirs. Claiming to be worried that they will be in a bad position if they divorce? Girl, please.

Most SAHPs work. They are scrubbing toilets and wiping butts and doing laundry and running errands and making dinner. Even the stuff people complain is "make work" -- some of the school organizing, the decorating and organizing, the trips to Target... every job has some BS make-work in it. You really want to sit there and line your day up with a SAHMs to see which of you is more productive? Y'ALL ARE COMPLAINING ON DCUM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WORK DAY. Me too. None of us is busting our butts.

Sure, some of them might have wealth from their spouse or their family that enables them to outsource everything and lead lives of leisure. If you were independently wealthy without needing to work... would you go into an office every day and send your little emails and attend your little meetings and deal with the petty beaurocracy in your little organization? Where do you work? Law? Lobbying? Consultant? Insurance industry? I know you aren't nurses and school teachers because if you were, you'd be working not right, not fussing about "lazy parasites" on DCUM.

Your really going to tell me that you would work even if you absolutely didn't have to, and that whatever it is you do is more inherently valuable than taking care of children or a family home.

I'm a working mom and I think you all are self-important and ridiculous. My DH and I joke often about how long it would take us to quit our jobs if we were suddenly wealthy. As long as it takes to communicate my decision to leave to my employer, that's how long. I'm not a jerk, so I'll give you my standard two weeks to "ease the transition." Then I'm taking a year off to relax, then I'm finding some "life purpose" type job that probably doesn't even pay money where I can contribute without having to do all the dump little BS that I do in my money-making job because I need the money.

And you'd all do the same. Some of you wouldn't even go find your life's purpose, you'd just just keep going on vacation. You'd start decorating the house.

You are all full of it! You're just mad because you are working and work isn't that fun and you resent people who don't have to work. The end.

I don’t think this is true and I’m sad for you that you hate your job that much

Where did I say I hate my job? I really like my job. Great coworkers, flexible schedule, interesting work. And I’d still quit it if I didn’t have to work. I’d start a foundation and take up painting. Or open an art gallery. Or build a museum somewhere that doesn’t have one. I would not report in to my weekly team meeting or take calls from my one needy client or give up two weekends a year for retreats.

I love my job in the relative sense, as in this is a great job for a person who must work for a living with my temperament, education, and skill set. I don’t love it in the absolute sense like I love my children, fresh air, the sound a well-played string instrument makes, art museums, gentle animals, or freshly baked bread. I would not do my job if they didn’t pay me and I will bet you wouldn’t either.

Those things you mentioned are work. And I don’t think anyone looks down on SAHMs who have meaningful pursuits like those. Or meaningful responsibilities like young kids, SN kids, aging parents to care for, medical issues to handle. Also, I don’t think SAHMs should care if someone looks down on them. They should live their best life. We all should.

I believe PP's point is that a lot of people who look down at SAHMs for not working have no room to criticize. Many are just paper pushers who write emails to help a big company make more money and would jump at the chance to leave. And many of those would just relax and start doing the things these "lazy" SAHMs do like spend a good chunk of a workday decorating the house.

I think that defensiveness is getting in the way some of you understanding PP's point.

Also, no, SAHMs shouldn't care if somebody looks down on them, but I'm sure you can also agree people shouldn't look down on SAHMs and instead just live their best lives.

There is sexism at play here though. I wonder how many would struggle not to find it weird if a dh had stayed home when kids were young and then once they are at school during the day he still didn’t have any other strings to bow. There is no way that ppl would not privately wonder what is up there. It’s just that as society modernizes, more ppl are having this same thought about sahms. Esp now that work is so much more flexible and volunteering can be remote - it is sort of more and more salient. I guess it feels like where previously it was kind of an un questioned societal ‘given’, now there’s naturally a move to kind of noticing it.
Should anyone care what any other human being does is a different question but clearly that happens whether it should or not

Remote and “flexible” work just makes women have to take on more as they continue to do most of the household labor.

Op - disagree. Remote and flexible has been a game changer for me and many other moms

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are all crazy. You are so quick to judge individuals based on like 4 facts about their lives. This reflects your own limitations and unhappiness, not theirs. Claiming to be worried that they will be in a bad position if they divorce? Girl, please.

Most SAHPs work. They are scrubbing toilets and wiping butts and doing laundry and running errands and making dinner. Even the stuff people complain is "make work" -- some of the school organizing, the decorating and organizing, the trips to Target... every job has some BS make-work in it. You really want to sit there and line your day up with a SAHMs to see which of you is more productive? Y'ALL ARE COMPLAINING ON DCUM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WORK DAY. Me too. None of us is busting our butts.

Sure, some of them might have wealth from their spouse or their family that enables them to outsource everything and lead lives of leisure. If you were independently wealthy without needing to work... would you go into an office every day and send your little emails and attend your little meetings and deal with the petty beaurocracy in your little organization? Where do you work? Law? Lobbying? Consultant? Insurance industry? I know you aren't nurses and school teachers because if you were, you'd be working not right, not fussing about "lazy parasites" on DCUM.

Your really going to tell me that you would work even if you absolutely didn't have to, and that whatever it is you do is more inherently valuable than taking care of children or a family home.

I'm a working mom and I think you all are self-important and ridiculous. My DH and I joke often about how long it would take us to quit our jobs if we were suddenly wealthy. As long as it takes to communicate my decision to leave to my employer, that's how long. I'm not a jerk, so I'll give you my standard two weeks to "ease the transition." Then I'm taking a year off to relax, then I'm finding some "life purpose" type job that probably doesn't even pay money where I can contribute without having to do all the dump little BS that I do in my money-making job because I need the money.

And you'd all do the same. Some of you wouldn't even go find your life's purpose, you'd just just keep going on vacation. You'd start decorating the house.

You are all full of it! You're just mad because you are working and work isn't that fun and you resent people who don't have to work. The end.

I don’t think this is true and I’m sad for you that you hate your job that much

Where did I say I hate my job? I really like my job. Great coworkers, flexible schedule, interesting work. And I’d still quit it if I didn’t have to work. I’d start a foundation and take up painting. Or open an art gallery. Or build a museum somewhere that doesn’t have one. I would not report in to my weekly team meeting or take calls from my one needy client or give up two weekends a year for retreats.

I love my job in the relative sense, as in this is a great job for a person who must work for a living with my temperament, education, and skill set. I don’t love it in the absolute sense like I love my children, fresh air, the sound a well-played string instrument makes, art museums, gentle animals, or freshly baked bread. I would not do my job if they didn’t pay me and I will bet you wouldn’t either.

Those things you mentioned are work. And I don’t think anyone looks down on SAHMs who have meaningful pursuits like those. Or meaningful responsibilities like young kids, SN kids, aging parents to care for, medical issues to handle. Also, I don’t think SAHMs should care if someone looks down on them. They should live their best life. We all should.

I believe PP's point is that a lot of people who look down at SAHMs for not working have no room to criticize. Many are just paper pushers who write emails to help a big company make more money and would jump at the chance to leave. And many of those would just relax and start doing the things these "lazy" SAHMs do like spend a good chunk of a workday decorating the house.

I think that defensiveness is getting in the way some of you understanding PP's point.

Also, no, SAHMs shouldn't care if somebody looks down on them, but I'm sure you can also agree people shouldn't look down on SAHMs and instead just live their best lives.

There is sexism at play here though. I wonder how many would struggle not to find it weird if a dh had stayed home when kids were young and then once they are at school during the day he still didn’t have any other strings to bow. There is no way that ppl would not privately wonder what is up there. It’s just that as society modernizes, more ppl are having this same thought about sahms. Esp now that work is so much more flexible and volunteering can be remote - it is sort of more and more salient. I guess it feels like where previously it was kind of an un questioned societal ‘given’, now there’s naturally a move to kind of noticing it.
Should anyone care what any other human being does is a different question but clearly that happens whether it should or not

Remote and “flexible” work just makes women have to take on more as they continue to do most of the household labor.

Op - disagree. Remote and flexible has been a game changer for me and many other moms

I agree. I wish we had this back in the day. The 90s/00s were brutal for butt in seat and face time. Not to mention measly vacation/sick time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are all crazy. You are so quick to judge individuals based on like 4 facts about their lives. This reflects your own limitations and unhappiness, not theirs. Claiming to be worried that they will be in a bad position if they divorce? Girl, please.

Most SAHPs work. They are scrubbing toilets and wiping butts and doing laundry and running errands and making dinner. Even the stuff people complain is "make work" -- some of the school organizing, the decorating and organizing, the trips to Target... every job has some BS make-work in it. You really want to sit there and line your day up with a SAHMs to see which of you is more productive? Y'ALL ARE COMPLAINING ON DCUM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WORK DAY. Me too. None of us is busting our butts.

Sure, some of them might have wealth from their spouse or their family that enables them to outsource everything and lead lives of leisure. If you were independently wealthy without needing to work... would you go into an office every day and send your little emails and attend your little meetings and deal with the petty beaurocracy in your little organization? Where do you work? Law? Lobbying? Consultant? Insurance industry? I know you aren't nurses and school teachers because if you were, you'd be working not right, not fussing about "lazy parasites" on DCUM.

Your really going to tell me that you would work even if you absolutely didn't have to, and that whatever it is you do is more inherently valuable than taking care of children or a family home.

I'm a working mom and I think you all are self-important and ridiculous. My DH and I joke often about how long it would take us to quit our jobs if we were suddenly wealthy. As long as it takes to communicate my decision to leave to my employer, that's how long. I'm not a jerk, so I'll give you my standard two weeks to "ease the transition." Then I'm taking a year off to relax, then I'm finding some "life purpose" type job that probably doesn't even pay money where I can contribute without having to do all the dump little BS that I do in my money-making job because I need the money.

And you'd all do the same. Some of you wouldn't even go find your life's purpose, you'd just just keep going on vacation. You'd start decorating the house.

You are all full of it! You're just mad because you are working and work isn't that fun and you resent people who don't have to work. The end.

I don’t think this is true and I’m sad for you that you hate your job that much

Where did I say I hate my job? I really like my job. Great coworkers, flexible schedule, interesting work. And I’d still quit it if I didn’t have to work. I’d start a foundation and take up painting. Or open an art gallery. Or build a museum somewhere that doesn’t have one. I would not report in to my weekly team meeting or take calls from my one needy client or give up two weekends a year for retreats.

I love my job in the relative sense, as in this is a great job for a person who must work for a living with my temperament, education, and skill set. I don’t love it in the absolute sense like I love my children, fresh air, the sound a well-played string instrument makes, art museums, gentle animals, or freshly baked bread. I would not do my job if they didn’t pay me and I will bet you wouldn’t either.

Those things you mentioned are work. And I don’t think anyone looks down on SAHMs who have meaningful pursuits like those. Or meaningful responsibilities like young kids, SN kids, aging parents to care for, medical issues to handle. Also, I don’t think SAHMs should care if someone looks down on them. They should live their best life. We all should.

I believe PP's point is that a lot of people who look down at SAHMs for not working have no room to criticize. Many are just paper pushers who write emails to help a big company make more money and would jump at the chance to leave. And many of those would just relax and start doing the things these "lazy" SAHMs do like spend a good chunk of a workday decorating the house.

I think that defensiveness is getting in the way some of you understanding PP's point.

Also, no, SAHMs shouldn't care if somebody looks down on them, but I'm sure you can also agree people shouldn't look down on SAHMs and instead just live their best lives.

There is sexism at play here though. I wonder how many would struggle not to find it weird if a dh had stayed home when kids were young and then once they are at school during the day he still didn’t have any other strings to bow. There is no way that ppl would not privately wonder what is up there. It’s just that as society modernizes, more ppl are having this same thought about sahms. Esp now that work is so much more flexible and volunteering can be remote - it is sort of more and more salient. I guess it feels like where previously it was kind of an un questioned societal ‘given’, now there’s naturally a move to kind of noticing it.
Should anyone care what any other human being does is a different question but clearly that happens whether it should or not

I’m the PP and I know two SAHDs who have done exactly this— stayed home as primary caregivers even after the kids were in school. They do what the similar SAHMs I know do: take care of most of the kid logistics (of which there are many), keep the house running, plan vacations and holidays, do home maintenance and keep cars in good working order, etc. they are married to women with good paying jobs whose work is demanding. Also, in both cases, this arrangement was in the works before kids arrived, and was part of the decision to have them — in both couples, the both wanted kids but the wife was stressed about what it would mean for a career she’d worked for years (in both cases with long and expensive education) to build. The husbands wanted kids and were less attached to their jobs.

It should happen more, but one thing that keeps it from happening is the lack of encouragement and opportunity for women to enter fields that can support a family on a single income, as well as the fact that most boys and men are discouraged from developing the skills of caregiving, household management, and organization, which are essential to bring an effective SAHP. Most boys hit adulthood without the skill or desire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:maybe trigger is the wrong word for her to use. But as a therapist myself, I might suggest that your reaction could be an indication that you have an unaddressed longing or that you feel dissatisfied with some aspect of your life, but only you can drill down and identify that feeling and the reasons behind the emotion. Some examples: you feel guilty or wonder if you should be spending more time with your kids, or should have spent more time with them. Or maybe you want to be home and with family more. Or don’t want to be home and feel bad about that. Perhaps you’re exhausted and want to dial back. Maybe you have conflicting values, as in you love financial independence and prioritize career success, but you also value leisure and travel and family time, or whatever. Maybe a family member imprinted on you that you should be a huge career success, or that people who stay home are lazy, and now you have some cognitive dissonance and are annoyed that your perception is changing. I personally work and would not do well staying home, but sometimes I wish I wasn’t ambitious because I’m so tired all the time. There are trade offs to everything. But I’m so grateful that others want to be home and be room parents and volunteer for nonprofits and be Girl Scout leaders or whatever, because that stuff is hard and important and benefits my kids and their education, and I don’t want to do that sort of thing. Also, I’d suck at it. Societies function best when everyone brings different skills and interests and temperaments to the table.

Op - you are clearly an amazing therapist bc YES I feel all of those things!
I wanted to want to stay home with the kids on some level - but then that made me really bored and unhappy and huge existential crisis. Also we had to make sacrifices financially (private school/ international travel and we live in nyc so col expensive) I wasn’t willing to make. So I went back to work and have had a couple jobs I looooved and felt like was making difference - but then felt like bad mother and like failed as mother for not enjoying staying home w them. Now have vv high paying job and better w/l balance (in the sense that wfh whenever I want so see kids all the time) but long long stressful days where I still have 8+h zoom and then more work on top of that, doing something I’m not passionate about
Idk what would make me happy - but I do feel like I ‘owe’ it to my kids to work hard and thus feel bad to give up stressful job that is $$$ for other job that would be more fun.
I guess I am envious of the mentality of being willing to leave dollars on the table for the sake of your own happiness. Like - my brain defaults to if your kids are in school why aren’t you using that time to make even more money? (Almost regardless of how much you already have) or at least do something impactful. Bc you should always be ‘striving’ in some way. Like I was brought up not to value ‘leisure’ as a way of life for even a few hours a day. And I actually can parent pretty effectively even w ft job - it just means zero of my own time. So cognitive dissonance.

NP. So stop judging others to make yourself feel better. Us women are catty AF. You can place all types of fancy labels on it (cognitive dissonance) but what you originally said is basically that you judge women who stay at home. Why wasn’t the post just about YOU and YOUR decisions and YOUR feelings about YOUR decisions. Why feel the need to drag in an entire group of women to talk about when it’s really all about YOU?! I’m so tired of people (not just women) willing to use another group to justify/bolster/validate their image/decisions or just highlight their perceived superiority. GIVE IT A REST. AND BE HONEST!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are all crazy. You are so quick to judge individuals based on like 4 facts about their lives. This reflects your own limitations and unhappiness, not theirs. Claiming to be worried that they will be in a bad position if they divorce? Girl, please.

Most SAHPs work. They are scrubbing toilets and wiping butts and doing laundry and running errands and making dinner. Even the stuff people complain is "make work" -- some of the school organizing, the decorating and organizing, the trips to Target... every job has some BS make-work in it. You really want to sit there and line your day up with a SAHMs to see which of you is more productive? Y'ALL ARE COMPLAINING ON DCUM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WORK DAY. Me too. None of us is busting our butts.

Sure, some of them might have wealth from their spouse or their family that enables them to outsource everything and lead lives of leisure. If you were independently wealthy without needing to work... would you go into an office every day and send your little emails and attend your little meetings and deal with the petty beaurocracy in your little organization? Where do you work? Law? Lobbying? Consultant? Insurance industry? I know you aren't nurses and school teachers because if you were, you'd be working not right, not fussing about "lazy parasites" on DCUM.

Your really going to tell me that you would work even if you absolutely didn't have to, and that whatever it is you do is more inherently valuable than taking care of children or a family home.

I'm a working mom and I think you all are self-important and ridiculous. My DH and I joke often about how long it would take us to quit our jobs if we were suddenly wealthy. As long as it takes to communicate my decision to leave to my employer, that's how long. I'm not a jerk, so I'll give you my standard two weeks to "ease the transition." Then I'm taking a year off to relax, then I'm finding some "life purpose" type job that probably doesn't even pay money where I can contribute without having to do all the dump little BS that I do in my money-making job because I need the money.

And you'd all do the same. Some of you wouldn't even go find your life's purpose, you'd just just keep going on vacation. You'd start decorating the house.

You are all full of it! You're just mad because you are working and work isn't that fun and you resent people who don't have to work. The end.

I don’t think this is true and I’m sad for you that you hate your job that much

Where did I say I hate my job? I really like my job. Great coworkers, flexible schedule, interesting work. And I’d still quit it if I didn’t have to work. I’d start a foundation and take up painting. Or open an art gallery. Or build a museum somewhere that doesn’t have one. I would not report in to my weekly team meeting or take calls from my one needy client or give up two weekends a year for retreats.

I love my job in the relative sense, as in this is a great job for a person who must work for a living with my temperament, education, and skill set. I don’t love it in the absolute sense like I love my children, fresh air, the sound a well-played string instrument makes, art museums, gentle animals, or freshly baked bread. I would not do my job if they didn’t pay me and I will bet you wouldn’t either.

Those things you mentioned are work. And I don’t think anyone looks down on SAHMs who have meaningful pursuits like those. Or meaningful responsibilities like young kids, SN kids, aging parents to care for, medical issues to handle. Also, I don’t think SAHMs should care if someone looks down on them. They should live their best life. We all should.

I believe PP's point is that a lot of people who look down at SAHMs for not working have no room to criticize. Many are just paper pushers who write emails to help a big company make more money and would jump at the chance to leave. And many of those would just relax and start doing the things these "lazy" SAHMs do like spend a good chunk of a workday decorating the house.

I think that defensiveness is getting in the way some of you understanding PP's point.

Also, no, SAHMs shouldn't care if somebody looks down on them, but I'm sure you can also agree people shouldn't look down on SAHMs and instead just live their best lives.

There is sexism at play here though. I wonder how many would struggle not to find it weird if a dh had stayed home when kids were young and then once they are at school during the day he still didn’t have any other strings to bow. There is no way that ppl would not privately wonder what is up there. It’s just that as society modernizes, more ppl are having this same thought about sahms. Esp now that work is so much more flexible and volunteering can be remote - it is sort of more and more salient. I guess it feels like where previously it was kind of an un questioned societal ‘given’, now there’s naturally a move to kind of noticing it.
Should anyone care what any other human being does is a different question but clearly that happens whether it should or not

Remote and “flexible” work just makes women have to take on more as they continue to do most of the household labor.

Not necessarily. My husband and I both have flexible jobs and both do 50/50 at home. Just because your spouse can’t contribute doesn’t mean all men are like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:maybe trigger is the wrong word for her to use. But as a therapist myself, I might suggest that your reaction could be an indication that you have an unaddressed longing or that you feel dissatisfied with some aspect of your life, but only you can drill down and identify that feeling and the reasons behind the emotion. Some examples: you feel guilty or wonder if you should be spending more time with your kids, or should have spent more time with them. Or maybe you want to be home and with family more. Or don’t want to be home and feel bad about that. Perhaps you’re exhausted and want to dial back. Maybe you have conflicting values, as in you love financial independence and prioritize career success, but you also value leisure and travel and family time, or whatever. Maybe a family member imprinted on you that you should be a huge career success, or that people who stay home are lazy, and now you have some cognitive dissonance and are annoyed that your perception is changing. I personally work and would not do well staying home, but sometimes I wish I wasn’t ambitious because I’m so tired all the time. There are trade offs to everything. But I’m so grateful that others want to be home and be room parents and volunteer for nonprofits and be Girl Scout leaders or whatever, because that stuff is hard and important and benefits my kids and their education, and I don’t want to do that sort of thing. Also, I’d suck at it. Societies function best when everyone brings different skills and interests and temperaments to the table.

Op - you are clearly an amazing therapist bc YES I feel all of those things!
I wanted to want to stay home with the kids on some level - but then that made me really bored and unhappy and huge existential crisis. Also we had to make sacrifices financially (private school/ international travel and we live in nyc so col expensive) I wasn’t willing to make. So I went back to work and have had a couple jobs I looooved and felt like was making difference - but then felt like bad mother and like failed as mother for not enjoying staying home w them. Now have vv high paying job and better w/l balance (in the sense that wfh whenever I want so see kids all the time) but long long stressful days where I still have 8+h zoom and then more work on top of that, doing something I’m not passionate about
Idk what would make me happy - but I do feel like I ‘owe’ it to my kids to work hard and thus feel bad to give up stressful job that is $$$ for other job that would be more fun.
I guess I am envious of the mentality of being willing to leave dollars on the table for the sake of your own happiness. Like - my brain defaults to if your kids are in school why aren’t you using that time to make even more money? (Almost regardless of how much you already have) or at least do something impactful. Bc you should always be ‘striving’ in some way. Like I was brought up not to value ‘leisure’ as a way of life for even a few hours a day. And I actually can parent pretty effectively even w ft job - it just means zero of my own time. So cognitive dissonance.

NP. So stop judging others to make yourself feel better. Us women are catty AF. You can place all types of fancy labels on it (cognitive dissonance) but what you originally said is basically that you judge women who stay at home. Why wasn’t the post just about YOU and YOUR decisions and YOUR feelings about YOUR decisions. Why feel the need to drag in an entire group of women to talk about when it’s really all about YOU?! I’m so tired of people (not just women) willing to use another group to justify/bolster/validate their image/decisions or just highlight their perceived superiority. GIVE IT A REST. AND BE HONEST!

I dunno, I’m a SAHM to kids who are in school full time and I don’t see OP trying to justify it. Quite the opposite. She’s trying to figure out why she feels that way. If you don’t know why you’re doing something wrong it’s much harder to change course.

Some of these other commenters, though, not so much. They really are going to great lengths to justify dragging others. It‘s pretty sad.

[Anonymous]

My guess is you are triggered by your own childhood.

One of my friends is obsessed with being a mom and doesn’t have a life outside of her kids. Can’t hire babysitters, can’t have a job, won’t let her husband take ownership of anything. It reminds me of my own mother and angers me. I want to tell her to stop doing this to her kids and that they will resent her one day. That her husband doesn’t like how the kids come first. It has to do with my childhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think everyone needs to pull their own weight in society. And frankly that means not only doing things you enjoy, but things that benefit society, involving some degree of self sacrifice. I will have trouble respecting you if you are not engaged in that effort, much less listen to anything you have to say on social media.

That said, sahp’s with young or special needs kids or who are doing elder care, of course they are working. And the job market can make it tough to accommodate family life with a woh job, so I give most people the benefit of the doubt.

No one cares if YOU respect them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:maybe trigger is the wrong word for her to use. But as a therapist myself, I might suggest that your reaction could be an indication that you have an unaddressed longing or that you feel dissatisfied with some aspect of your life, but only you can drill down and identify that feeling and the reasons behind the emotion. Some examples: you feel guilty or wonder if you should be spending more time with your kids, or should have spent more time with them. Or maybe you want to be home and with family more. Or don’t want to be home and feel bad about that. Perhaps you’re exhausted and want to dial back. Maybe you have conflicting values, as in you love financial independence and prioritize career success, but you also value leisure and travel and family time, or whatever. Maybe a family member imprinted on you that you should be a huge career success, or that people who stay home are lazy, and now you have some cognitive dissonance and are annoyed that your perception is changing. I personally work and would not do well staying home, but sometimes I wish I wasn’t ambitious because I’m so tired all the time. There are trade offs to everything. But I’m so grateful that others want to be home and be room parents and volunteer for nonprofits and be Girl Scout leaders or whatever, because that stuff is hard and important and benefits my kids and their education, and I don’t want to do that sort of thing. Also, I’d suck at it. Societies function best when everyone brings different skills and interests and temperaments to the table.

Op - you are clearly an amazing therapist bc YES I feel all of those things!
I wanted to want to stay home with the kids on some level - but then that made me really bored and unhappy and huge existential crisis. Also we had to make sacrifices financially (private school/ international travel and we live in nyc so col expensive) I wasn’t willing to make. So I went back to work and have had a couple jobs I looooved and felt like was making difference - but then felt like bad mother and like failed as mother for not enjoying staying home w them. Now have vv high paying job and better w/l balance (in the sense that wfh whenever I want so see kids all the time) but long long stressful days where I still have 8+h zoom and then more work on top of that, doing something I’m not passionate about
Idk what would make me happy - but I do feel like I ‘owe’ it to my kids to work hard and thus feel bad to give up stressful job that is $$$ for other job that would be more fun.
I guess I am envious of the mentality of being willing to leave dollars on the table for the sake of your own happiness. Like - my brain defaults to if your kids are in school why aren’t you using that time to make even more money? (Almost regardless of how much you already have) or at least do something impactful. Bc you should always be ‘striving’ in some way. Like I was brought up not to value ‘leisure’ as a way of life for even a few hours a day. And I actually can parent pretty effectively even w ft job - it just means zero of my own time. So cognitive dissonance.

NP. So stop judging others to make yourself feel better. Us women are catty AF. You can place all types of fancy labels on it (cognitive dissonance) but what you originally said is basically that you judge women who stay at home. Why wasn’t the post just about YOU and YOUR decisions and YOUR feelings about YOUR decisions. Why feel the need to drag in an entire group of women to talk about when it’s really all about YOU?! I’m so tired of people (not just women) willing to use another group to justify/bolster/validate their image/decisions or just highlight their perceived superiority. GIVE IT A REST. AND BE HONEST!

I dunno, I’m a SAHM to kids who are in school full time and I don’t see OP trying to justify it. Quite the opposite. She’s trying to figure out why she feels that way. If you don’t know why you’re doing something wrong it’s much harder to change course.

Some of these other commenters, though, not so much. They really are going to great lengths to justify dragging others. It‘s pretty sad.

Op - this is why therapy is hard work. Would be a lot easier to just judge (that is what most ppl do) than do the work to a. Acknowledge that it’s coming from my own sh*t and b. Figure out and then deal with whatever that is. It’s tiring and annoying. Just judging everyone is a thousand times easier and why we are politically polarized as country also

Also to posters who are so defensive I would point out that wohms deal with judgement every day! We are used to it by now - it just less commonly historically happens the other way around. I try not to be defensive and think about what it triggers in me when ppl judge and whether in some cases they have a point about some of it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have these sort of involuntary mental reactions to - for example - social media posts from friends whose kids are in school full time but they don’t have a job/ anything they do - and they’re just doing nothing. I work crazy bananas hard and always have - and make a pretty decent salary. At one point I stopped working when the kids were little - but got pretty depressed and went back. Am I just jealous of them? I don’t want to be judgmental so why does my brain do this? I’m sure it is hiding a deeper feeling and my therapist has said I need to figure out what is triggering me

Who are you to define their day as "nothing"? Maybe that's something your therapist can help you with.

[Anonymous]

I work part time and most of my friends stay at home. I have one friend who I do judge because she spends money like water and constantly nags her husband to hustle and make more money to take care of his family. She really needs to set a budget if she's not going to earn any money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:maybe trigger is the wrong word for her to use. But as a therapist myself, I might suggest that your reaction could be an indication that you have an unaddressed longing or that you feel dissatisfied with some aspect of your life, but only you can drill down and identify that feeling and the reasons behind the emotion. Some examples: you feel guilty or wonder if you should be spending more time with your kids, or should have spent more time with them. Or maybe you want to be home and with family more. Or don’t want to be home and feel bad about that. Perhaps you’re exhausted and want to dial back. Maybe you have conflicting values, as in you love financial independence and prioritize career success, but you also value leisure and travel and family time, or whatever. Maybe a family member imprinted on you that you should be a huge career success, or that people who stay home are lazy, and now you have some cognitive dissonance and are annoyed that your perception is changing. I personally work and would not do well staying home, but sometimes I wish I wasn’t ambitious because I’m so tired all the time. There are trade offs to everything. But I’m so grateful that others want to be home and be room parents and volunteer for nonprofits and be Girl Scout leaders or whatever, because that stuff is hard and important and benefits my kids and their education, and I don’t want to do that sort of thing. Also, I’d suck at it. Societies function best when everyone brings different skills and interests and temperaments to the table.

Op - you are clearly an amazing therapist bc YES I feel all of those things!
I wanted to want to stay home with the kids on some level - but then that made me really bored and unhappy and huge existential crisis. Also we had to make sacrifices financially (private school/ international travel and we live in nyc so col expensive) I wasn’t willing to make. So I went back to work and have had a couple jobs I looooved and felt like was making difference - but then felt like bad mother and like failed as mother for not enjoying staying home w them. Now have vv high paying job and better w/l balance (in the sense that wfh whenever I want so see kids all the time) but long long stressful days where I still have 8+h zoom and then more work on top of that, doing something I’m not passionate about
Idk what would make me happy - but I do feel like I ‘owe’ it to my kids to work hard and thus feel bad to give up stressful job that is $$$ for other job that would be more fun.
I guess I am envious of the mentality of being willing to leave dollars on the table for the sake of your own happiness. Like - my brain defaults to if your kids are in school why aren’t you using that time to make even more money? (Almost regardless of how much you already have) or at least do something impactful. Bc you should always be ‘striving’ in some way. Like I was brought up not to value ‘leisure’ as a way of life for even a few hours a day. And I actually can parent pretty effectively even w ft job - it just means zero of my own time. So cognitive dissonance.

NP. So stop judging others to make yourself feel better. Us women are catty AF. You can place all types of fancy labels on it (cognitive dissonance) but what you originally said is basically that you judge women who stay at home. Why wasn’t the post just about YOU and YOUR decisions and YOUR feelings about YOUR decisions. Why feel the need to drag in an entire group of women to talk about when it’s really all about YOU?! I’m so tired of people (not just women) willing to use another group to justify/bolster/validate their image/decisions or just highlight their perceived superiority. GIVE IT A REST. AND BE HONEST!

I dunno, I’m a SAHM to kids who are in school full time and I don’t see OP trying to justify it. Quite the opposite. She’s trying to figure out why she feels that way. If you don’t know why you’re doing something wrong it’s much harder to change course.

Some of these other commenters, though, not so much. They really are going to great lengths to justify dragging others. It‘s pretty sad.

Op - this is why therapy is hard work. Would be a lot easier to just judge (that is what most ppl do) than do the work to a. Acknowledge that it’s coming from my own sh*t and b. Figure out and then deal with whatever that is. It’s tiring and annoying. Just judging everyone is a thousand times easier and why we are politically polarized as country also

Also to posters who are so defensive I would point out that wohms deal with judgement every day! We are used to it by now - it just less commonly historically happens the other way around. I try not to be defensive and think about what it triggers in me when ppl judge and whether in some cases they have a point about some of it

Be honest poster here. I re-read the title of your post and combined with your response here, I get it. You actually are questioning yourself and your feelings. My bad, sorry. How long have tou been in therapy and do you see results?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think everyone needs to pull their own weight in society. And frankly that means not only doing things you enjoy, but things that benefit society, involving some degree of self sacrifice. I will have trouble respecting you if you are not engaged in that effort, much less listen to anything you have to say on social media.

That said, sahp’s with young or special needs kids or who are doing elder care, of course they are working. And the job market can make it tough to accommodate family life with a woh job, so I give most people the benefit of the doubt.

No one cares if YOU respect them. [/quote

I noticed this, too. It comes off as narcissistic, self-involved thinking to me. Obviously, you care very, very much about my disdain for you and will change your family life because of it.

Nope.