Anyone else here struggle with your feelings about ppl who don’t work?

[Anonymous]

If you are a woman the real loser is the working mom as they couldn't get a nate to allow sah

[Anonymous]

Isn’t the point that women have choices that they never had in the past? Who am I to judge which choice is better for other people?

But thanks for adding your own little bit to the mommy wars, OP. Well done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have these sort of involuntary mental reactions to - for example - social media posts from friends whose kids are in school full time but they don’t have a job/ anything they do - and they’re just doing nothing. I work crazy bananas hard and always have - and make a pretty decent salary. At one point I stopped working when the kids were little - but got pretty depressed and went back. Am I just jealous of them? I don’t want to be judgmental so why does my brain do this? I’m sure it is hiding a deeper feeling and my therapist has said I need to figure out what is triggering me

I don't struggle with my feelings. I'm very comfortable judging them.

Our society functions because people work. Those who choose not to work are riding on the coattails of those who do. Most/all of them have value to add to society, yet they decline to do so. That's selfish.

There's a lot of grey space in this perception. Some SAHM/Ds are contributing through the legitimate care of their young or SN kids while others are somehow okay justifying their days of yoga and book clubs by pointing to their clean house and transportation of middle-schoolers to soccer practice - things the rest of us do on top of full time employment. Some wealthy unemployed dedicate their lives to worthy causes, while others post on IG for clout.

I don't think this is a matter for therapy. It's okay to judge poor behavior. And enjoying the benefits of our society/culture/country while failing to contribute is exactly that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have these sort of involuntary mental reactions to - for example - social media posts from friends whose kids are in school full time but they don’t have a job/ anything they do - and they’re just doing nothing. I work crazy bananas hard and always have - and make a pretty decent salary. At one point I stopped working when the kids were little - but got pretty depressed and went back. Am I just jealous of them? I don’t want to be judgmental so why does my brain do this? I’m sure it is hiding a deeper feeling and my therapist has said I need to figure out what is triggering me

My husband doesn't work. He's disabled, though he appears completely neuro-typical to outsiders. Yet he's had four surgeries this year alone. Unless you are a close friend or family member you really do not know what is going on with a person. Try not to assume the worse.

Are you saying that it's only ok not to work if you are disabled? I don't think that helps OP. The point is that there are plenty of able-bodied people who don't work outside the home, but she still should not resent them. There may be occasional outliers who have all this other stuff, but that is sort of besides the main crux of OP's issue, IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A little bit. I had a SAHM mom and we don't get along great so I'm sure that's part of it. I am not a huge die-hard feminist but sometimes have a hard time shaking the knee-jerk reaction that SAHMs are falling for a gender stereotyped trap. I don't feel that way about SAHDs.

I think a lot of people who fall very strongly on either side of the divide (SAHM is SO Much better or WOHM mom is SO much better) feel that way because they don't get along with their mom who was some extreme (e.g., you had an extremely pushy suffocating SAHM or you had an absolutely absent checked out WOHM who hired multiple nannies). But it often says more about their mom's personality than their decision to work or not work. I know for a long time I thought my mom was suffocating and pushy and superficial because she was a SAHM but after getting to know her siblings better I realize...she was always that way and would have been that way no matter what.

+1, I'm glad the PP mentioned this because I think this is more true than a lot of people even consciously realize. I know a lot of women who work at least in part because they had SAHMs growing up and either saw their moms being quietly miserable OR picked up on the fact that their moms were often not very valued or respected by society. Sometimes they also adopted that lack of respect towards their mothers, which is kind of sad.

I will admit to having very mixed feelings about SAHM/WOHM issues because my mom was a SAHM and was not very happy. I was in a miserable, not family friendly job when I had my first, and wound up quitting to SAHM for a bit. On the one hand, LOVED that time with my kids and felt totally productive and valued because I was working hard every day but doing something that felt meaningful and rewarding. But the minute all my kids were in school, I feel like I "became" my mom and I developed a real sense of self-loathing. I'm now working part time and sometimes I think "I have it all! This is perfect." And sometimes I think "OMG I've become my mother and my kids aren't going to respect me and I now live in a prison of my own making." I've been exploring full time work lately but the logistics are really hard with multiple school age kids -- my DH has come to rely on me being the primary parent and changing that will be an uphill battle, not to mention the extreme guilt I'm feeling just thinking about outsourcing some of our childcare when right now I know my kids are very happy to be spending that time with me (we tried to move the oldest into aftercare last year in an effort to allow me to work more hours, and she complained about it every day).

It's hard, but I can acknowledge that many of my feelings are driven by the experience and perception of my own SAHM mom. It doesn't necessarily fix the issues for me, but it's really valuable to be able to identify that this is what is happening. Just this morning I was thinking about how I needed to get a full time job so that my daughters actually see me working more (they do see me working some now, but not as much as DH) so that they understand that women work. Like it makes me feel panicky sometimes. Sometimes I wonder if the reason I became a SAHM in the first place is that my mom was one and I didn't have a good example of what it looked like to be a working mom, and that a lot of my current struggles are part of that too.

Anyway, therapy is helpful and talking this through is helpful. But one thing I know for sure is that it is never actually the fault of the person on social media posting the thing that is annoying you or making you feel resentful. It actually has nothing to do with them at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should definitely seek help (I say this kindly). It is not normal to be triggered by or to ruminate on how others choose to live their lives when it has no material impact on you.

+1

[Anonymous]

MYOB OP and for god's sake get a life.

This is an absurd thread grow up.

[Anonymous]

I have very young kids (and work while the kids are in daycare) and I don't exactly struggle with my feelings about parents/people who don't have to work. I have an involuntary mental reaction of jealousy -- my mom was a SAHM mom and I have a wonderful relationship with her, so I often wish I could recreate a similar childhood for my kids. Unfortunately, it's not in the cards for me financially right now, although I'm trying to get there so I'll not be working crazy hours (hopefully not even full time) by the time my kids are in late elementary. But I don't judge them; I just remind myself everyone has their own challenges. Some people will have more or less at any point, but everyone's circumstances are truly unique and honestly something is ALWAYS hard, even if it's something that might seem trivial to an outsider.

To OP: I don't think you're jealous that they're staying at home and that you're not, since you said you did try staying home and it didn't work out, but you might be jealous that they seem to have figured out what appears to be (from the outside) a way to have minimal stress in their lives and that way is not available to you since you weren't comfortable staying home and work "crazy hours"? I know often I am wildly jealous of people who seem to have "figured things out" even if I don't necessarily want their actual life, I want their confidence with their choices. When I struggle with that, I usually remind myself of the above paragraph: everyone has hard things, and the external perception of confidence is not necessarily what someone is feeling inside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have these sort of involuntary mental reactions to - for example - social media posts from friends whose kids are in school full time but they don’t have a job/ anything they do - and they’re just doing nothing. I work crazy bananas hard and always have - and make a pretty decent salary. At one point I stopped working when the kids were little - but got pretty depressed and went back. Am I just jealous of them? I don’t want to be judgmental so why does my brain do this? I’m sure it is hiding a deeper feeling and my therapist has said I need to figure out what is triggering me

My husband doesn't work. He's disabled, though he appears completely neuro-typical to outsiders. Yet he's had four surgeries this year alone. Unless you are a close friend or family member you really do not know what is going on with a person. Try not to assume the worse.

Are you saying that it's only ok not to work if you are disabled? I don't think that helps OP. The point is that there are plenty of able-bodied people who don't work outside the home, but she still should not resent them. There may be occasional outliers who have all this other stuff, but that is sort of besides the main crux of OP's issue, IMO.

The point is the OP has no idea what is really going on in people's lives via social media.

I took time off to deal with my father's death and my mother's dementia. Nobody except my closest friends knew what I was dealing with. I'm sure I looked like an able bodied person with kids in school just chilling.

[Anonymous]

I started SAH when my kids all went to school to try to enjoy more time for myself, but then struggled with *self-criticism* around this. I actually went to therapy because I was stuck on lots of “why are you wasting your time here on earth”/“why are you squandering your talents and energy”/“well you just killed your career for good” type thoughts. And I can feel the judgment of others sometimes.

It’s a work in progress! You don’t have to apologize for your thoughts - we all have junk thoughts and judgments all the time. It’s only your actions that really matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have these sort of involuntary mental reactions to - for example - social media posts from friends whose kids are in school full time but they don’t have a job/ anything they do - and they’re just doing nothing. I work crazy bananas hard and always have - and make a pretty decent salary. At one point I stopped working when the kids were little - but got pretty depressed and went back. Am I just jealous of them? I don’t want to be judgmental so why does my brain do this? I’m sure it is hiding a deeper feeling and my therapist has said I need to figure out what is triggering me

I don't struggle with my feelings. I'm very comfortable judging them.

Our society functions because people work. Those who choose not to work are riding on the coattails of those who do. Most/all of them have value to add to society, yet they decline to do so. That's selfish.

There's a lot of grey space in this perception. Some SAHM/Ds are contributing through the legitimate care of their young or SN kids while others are somehow okay justifying their days of yoga and book clubs by pointing to their clean house and transportation of middle-schoolers to soccer practice - things the rest of us do on top of full time employment. Some wealthy unemployed dedicate their lives to worthy causes, while others post on IG for clout.

I don't think this is a matter for therapy. It's okay to judge poor behavior. And enjoying the benefits of our society/culture/country while failing to contribute is exactly that.

Can I ask you a logistical question? How does someone with a full-time job keep their house clean, get their kids to school/activities and all the other places kids need to be (with all the stuff they need with them for those activities)?

I'm not being snarky, I don't understand how this works. My kids are still young and I am trying to figure out how to make this work as they age into school and the best we've come up with is "hire housecleaners and a nanny to drive them to things and stay on top of laundry/food/etc." And as I'm pricing that out and looking at our salaries.... I am confused as to how other families make this work. I don't want to quit my job to clean the house and chauffeur the kids but I also just do not understand how this works logistically if you really do have two full time jobs, especially if they are both in person jobs and not the kind with flexible hours.

[Anonymous]

But I am working...on my fitness, beauty and mental health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I started SAH when my kids all went to school to try to enjoy more time for myself, but then struggled with *self-criticism* around this. I actually went to therapy because I was stuck on lots of “why are you wasting your time here on earth”/“why are you squandering your talents and energy”/“well you just killed your career for good” type thoughts. And I can feel the judgment of others sometimes.

It’s a work in progress! You don’t have to apologize for your thoughts - we all have junk thoughts and judgments all the time. It’s only your actions that really matter.

Oh man, I would love to pick your brain/join a support group to discuss this stuff with you. I'm the PP who is working part time with school age kids and struggling with my feelings and yes, it's these kinds of existential thoughts that plague me. And the external judgment. Even when I can objectively identify my value, even when I talk it through with my spouse and we discuss my value and the purpose in what I'm doing, I still struggle. It is so hard.

[Anonymous]

You have chosen your life, you have chosen the path you are on. Your friends who are at home have chosen a different path. Not wrong, just different. People can spend a lot of wasted time trying to label what is different as being wrong. It isn't wrong, it's just a different approach to life.

How will you fix your unhappiness with your chosen life? It is not your friends' fault that you are unhappy. Stop wishing they would change and change yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have these sort of involuntary mental reactions to - for example - social media posts from friends whose kids are in school full time but they don’t have a job/ anything they do - and they’re just doing nothing. I work crazy bananas hard and always have - and make a pretty decent salary. At one point I stopped working when the kids were little - but got pretty depressed and went back. Am I just jealous of them? I don’t want to be judgmental so why does my brain do this? I’m sure it is hiding a deeper feeling and my therapist has said I need to figure out what is triggering me

My husband doesn't work. He's disabled, though he appears completely neuro-typical to outsiders. Yet he's had four surgeries this year alone. Unless you are a close friend or family member you really do not know what is going on with a person. Try not to assume the worse.

Are you saying that it's only ok not to work if you are disabled? I don't think that helps OP. The point is that there are plenty of able-bodied people who don't work outside the home, but she still should not resent them. There may be occasional outliers who have all this other stuff, but that is sort of besides the main crux of OP's issue, IMO.

No that is not implied and was not said. The POINT was you have no idea why someone isn't working. It's none of your business and your judgment is uncalled for. MYOB