Anyone else here struggle with your feelings about ppl who don’t work?
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Anonymous
| Why do you care what others do when it doesn’t affect you? You need to examine that. I don’t work outside of the house. My spouse makes more than enough for our family and if I worked, over 1/2 of my salary would go to taxes and the rest would go to outsourcing. WE’D rather a parent is home to meet the kids after school and drive them to activities. House is always clean and stocked, no errands to run on the weekends, and we don’t have to outsource cleaning, dog walking, instacart, childcare etc. it’s a win win for everyone except the government and service providers we’d pay. |
Anonymous
Judge away but you have no idea why people make the choices they do. Maybe one spouse works tons of hours with no flexibility and the family prefers one person to stay home. Maybe some people judge those who outsource everything and act like it’s the same as staying home. There are people who think that’s poor behavior, too. Maybe some people actually like a lower key lifestyle and accept the financial hits that come from that. Maybe some people have family issues/illnesses that you know nothing about. Lots of times those are the ones who do the most outward posting. Bottom line is different things work for different people. |
Anonymous
Okay loser, no one cares about your judgment. |
Anonymous
Most working couples I know are fortunately able to stagger their work hours, so that one provides more coverage in the morning and the other after school. Or one spouse has a more flexible schedule, as I do. When my kids have activities, my DH takes when they are after 6:30 and I handle any that are earlier and make up the work time after dinner. We outsource most yard work, have groceries delivered, have a cleaning service twice a month, and resort to takeout or incredibly easy dinners during especially busy weeks. Working couples without any scheduling flexibility will often hire an au pair or PT babysitter who drives to handle afternoon activities. But in our case it does mean weekends are not that fun, since we inevitably have cleaning/organizing/errands/activities to manage. And are just plain tired! |
Anonymous
That’s just ridiculous. There are many ways to contribute to society. When I stayed at home, I volunteered a great deal. I do think this kind of rigid thinking and judgment is rooted in something else. I don’t think PP is merely a jerk. |
Anonymous
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I get debilitating migraines once or twice a week and have been working with a neurologist to try to address but I just do not feel I can go back to work full time until I can figure it out. It sucks. I'm bored at home, plus often in pain and dealing with nausea and other side effects. Sometimes even just getting my kids to school or picking them up is a huge challenge.
Sometimes, to cheer myself up, I'll post a photo of my kids or some art project we did or a picture from a recent vacation or outing to social media. Or just a comment about something cute one of them said or some anecdote about parenting. It helps me to focus on the good part of my life right now and I also appreciate getting likes and comments from people because I am SO LONELY and have no one to talk to because all my friends are working (even the ones who used to SAHM with me before our kids were in school). Sometimes I call my DH but of course he is working and I can't dominate his time. My life is not awful -- I am safe and we are okay financially (though will be much better when I can return to work), my kids are happy and healthy, and I have every reason to believe that I will solve my health issues and this will be just a transitional period I look back on with mixed feelings one day. But my life is also not easy nor is it even what I want it to be at the moment. Yesterday I interviewed for a part-time remote job with flexible hours that I think I could do even with the migraines, since it's only 10-15 hours a week. I hope I get it and it resolves some of my boredom and loneliness. Anyway, if my social media posts are triggering you, I guess I am sorry but I am posting them for me. They don't really have anything to do with you. I hope you find something that helps you to feel more happy in your own life. |
Anonymous
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There are many reasons why someone does not work. Initially, I could not work due to visa status. Later on, DH and I wanted one parent to be at home with kids and HHI is enough to have a fairly decent lifestyle. We earn so that we can live. We do not live so that we can earn. That is our mindset.
The biggest benefit of working is earning money IMHO. If we need the money I will absolutely go back to work. No questions asked. I also have the flexibility to go and earn money as my kids are grown. However, what I have right now is lots of time to have a relaxed life and also make life easier for every person in my family. I think on some level many working people who work to earn money are well aware of this. That is why they get triggered and that is the main reason of WOHM vs SAHM wars. No WOHM will ever envy a SAHM with low HHI. The poverty-stricken SAHM whose kids will have to take out loans for college is an object of pity on DCUM. The ill-educated SAHM who is stuck in LMC life is just a pathetic doormat. The envy/anger/derision is reserved for well-off and well educated SAHMs. Also, wealthy WOHMs who can outsource a lot of chores and contribute to their family success in other areas just don't GAF about other people's life choices. It is usually LMC or MC WOHMs who get triggered about UMC or wealthy well-educated SAHMs and their "cushy" life. While, on the surface, it seems that we are only comparing WOHM vs SAHM in terms of employment and every other factor is the same, in reality, it will always be apples to oranges comparison. There are tons of reasons why people work, tons of reasons why people stay at home. |
Anonymous
Can I come too?? I'm a SAHM who has school age kids. I work every day not to feel humiliated and worthless about it, especially since I have been actively trying for 13 years--the entirety of my time as a SAHM--to stay in the workforce and have been unable to. It's so embarrassing and now people are telling me it's too late to have a career. I have a bad autoimmune disease, a special needs child (and another who isn't entirely neurotypical), and other circumstances that have led me to where I am, so I have every reason to go easy on myself. And yet I'm still get these thoughts and feelings. No fun. I love the idea of "junk thoughts and judgments." It's an important reminder for all of us. |
Anonymous
Op - this comment is not from me |
Anonymous
So... given all that: Couldn't it be argued that a SAHP with school age kids who kept the house clean (eliminating the need for house cleaners), got the kids from school and to activities on time and with everything they needed (eliminating the need for staggered schedules that would require someone to go in very early, or hiring a sitter or au pair to do these things), prepped healthy meals (eliminating the need for meal services and frequent take out and improving the quality of meals overall) is not "riding on the coattails" of working people but is, in fact, working and providing value to their family and to society at large? And that if they sometimes attend a book club or a yoga class, this is just a normal thing for a person to do with their free time and not something to resent or ridicule? And that they are not posting to social media to justify their lives, which are self-justifying, but just because they want to share something on social media? It just seems like if the way the average two-income family solves the problem of taking care of the house and getting kids to activities and feeding the family does so by spending money on outsourcing and convenience items, and rearranging their schedules, there must be inherent value in instead having one parent stay home. It's weird to argue a SAHP of school age kids is providing nothing of value to society but that a professional house cleaner or a babysitter who performs the same duties for a family with two working parents is. What if the babysitter goes to yoga class after finishing her shift ferrying your kids around town? Does that negate her value to society? |
Anonymous
| I think the fact that you were a SAHM for a bit and couldn't take it (no judgement there, I couldn't either!), makes your feelings a little problematic. Looking into jobs that might give you a little more work life balance could be a good solution. I was in a very intense job for years before having a kid and I couldn't imagine doing that now. I have a very relaxed job that has it's busy periods, but even the busy times are not as bad as a pretty normal day in my old job. I feel like I can be fully present for me kid when I am with him. |
Anonymous
| Yes. I hate being a working mom and feel very trapped in the matter. It hurts to hear about the SAHMs in my neighborhood always being there at lunch or events. I see them walking the dogs in the middle of the day chatting or heading to the neighborhood pool in the summer with the kids while I'm stuck on a call and my kids are complaining about camp. I'm not on social media anymore and it's one of the reasons why. One of my kids has SNs too and I feel like I'm failing them pretty much all of the time. |
Anonymous
Hmmm... so it seems you outsource a lot of work, get take outs, have cleaning service, have paid childcare and work very hard during the weekends as a working parent. Also, one spouse has a more flexible schedule. So, you are earning money but have less time and so you are buying other people's time to do that work for you. This buying time from other people (maybe other WOHMs) allows you to prioritize working to make more money to meet your financial goals. Fair enough. I am not working and so I have lot more time. I also have more money so I can buy the time of other people (usually poor WOHMs) to outsource chores that is not a great use of my time. It gives me more time to be with my kids and so our childcare if not outsourced at all. We also meet our financial goals and my entire family has a lot of leisure time during the weekends, so we are not tired. It helps us to pay more attention to each other, our kids, their education, our family obligation and our social life. I think that is fair too. |
Anonymous
I'm busy all day both before and after work, our house isn't as clean as I would like, we don't eat as healthily as I would like, I'm exhausted and I don't think I can keep up full time work for much longer. That's reality for me. My work is pretty flexible but I just can't do everything, and my spouse works full-time in an office. My kids are in elementary and middle school. |
Anonymous
House cleaner biweekly for the grime. 15-20'min of cleaning/pickup/laundry folding by dh and me post bedtime. Staggered work hours for driving to activities. Fewer activities anyway. Quick shopping trips with lists etc. I make enough (200k) and have enough flexibility midday for an errand or a grocery shop in the am or meet a repair person at home. Dh goes to work at 6/7 am and is back by 4 for afternoon bus pickup. Flexible hours and seniority is key if both jobs are in person. Much harder for those without that. For chores, we try to have less stuff and be really efficient. If dh wants to watch a movie, he will fold/iron laundry while watching it post kids bedtime b |