Anyone else here struggle with your feelings about ppl who don’t work?

[Anonymous]

I have these sort of involuntary mental reactions to - for example - social media posts from friends whose kids are in school full time but they don’t have a job/ anything they do - and they’re just doing nothing. I work crazy bananas hard and always have - and make a pretty decent salary. At one point I stopped working when the kids were little - but got pretty depressed and went back. Am I just jealous of them? I don’t want to be judgmental so why does my brain do this? I’m sure it is hiding a deeper feeling and my therapist has said I need to figure out what is triggering me

[Anonymous]

You should definitely seek help (I say this kindly). It is not normal to be triggered by or to ruminate on how others choose to live their lives when it has no material impact on you.

[Anonymous]

^Also, you don’t actually know what someone does to fill their time. Social media is not reality.

[Anonymous]

I think it's human nature to be somewhat resentful toward people who seem to live lives of relative leisure. Although it would not be my personal choice anyway, I do sometimes feel a little grumpy about how much I work while acquaintances are chatting about meeting up for lunch or gym classes during the day. But I always remind myself that my choice ultimately is the better one for me in the long term. And I'm trying to be better about actually taking the occasional vacation day (like today) I can just enjoy on my own without family obligations. So maybe think about what you really want? If it's just an unnecessary grind and you really don't enjoy it, consider making whatever changes are possible that can bring you more happiness. Life is short.

[Anonymous]

My feelings are that I am better than them so I don’t struggle with those feelings

[Anonymous]

Maybe occasional jealousy, but not resentful. The same way I sometimes feel jealous of people who were able to graduate without debt, or who had financial help with weddings/down payments, etc. Seems like their lives are a lot easier financially than mine! But I don't spend much time thinking about it; what's the point? After all, there are a ton of people who didn't have my advantages.

[Anonymous]

I don't work, because I'm on my husband's visa, which does not allow me to request a work permit; because a lower-stress lifestyle is actually nice, even though it comes with a lower household income; and because one of my children has special needs and it's better that one parent has flexibility to manage his issues.

I volunteer extensively instead. Today I got up at 3am and it's been non-stop ever since, apart from quick breaks like this one.

I understand that you might be envious of people like me, but I hope you wouldn't dislike any of us just on principle! And remind yourself that you're probably richer and more independent

[Anonymous]

I think sometimes it's helpful to realize that what you're experiencing is normal, so I'll say it: involuntary reactions to things is normal. It's part of the human experience. There is nothing wrong with you.

I would find it kind of annoying if my therapist just said "you need to figure out what is triggering you." I hope the gist of what your therapist said was more along the lines of "let's talk next week about what is triggering you so we can see if there is a deeper issue here causing your life to be not as optimal as it could be, and then we can work through it." I think getting help understanding why you feel the way you feel is one big purpose of therapy. In your case I think an Internal Family Systems approach might be good.

But as for why you feel the way you feel the way you feel: maybe you have a strong value of the importance of work, maybe you think fairness is important and it's not fair that you are working so hard and they aren't, maybe you fear you are missing out on something, maybe you think they are making your gender look bad, etc. There could be a lot of reasons. It's helpful to go back to values and fears. But I am one of those SAHMs who has kids in school and I've never been in your shoes, so maybe there is something more obvious I'm missing.

[Anonymous]

Most people wouldn't work if they didn't have to, so I would say there is probably some jealousy there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have these sort of involuntary mental reactions to - for example - social media posts from friends whose kids are in school full time but they don’t have a job/ anything they do - and they’re just doing nothing. I work crazy bananas hard and always have - and make a pretty decent salary. At one point I stopped working when the kids were little - but got pretty depressed and went back. Am I just jealous of them? I don’t want to be judgmental so why does my brain do this? I’m sure it is hiding a deeper feeling and my therapist has said I need to figure out what is triggering me

My husband doesn't work. He's disabled, though he appears completely neuro-typical to outsiders. Yet he's had four surgeries this year alone. Unless you are a close friend or family member you really do not know what is going on with a person. Try not to assume the worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My feelings are that I am better than them so I don’t struggle with those feelings

Well, that is a sad way to go through life. What causes you to judge other people without knowing them at all?

[Anonymous]

Only when they complain about money or say they won’t help their kids with college.

[Anonymous]

So, I’m a SAHM of a middle school kid and am embarrassed to admit it when meeting someone because I assume most people feel like OP.

I don’t think you’re envious, even a little. I assume you just can’t imagine circumstances where you’d make different choices.

But it’s worth examining how you’re triggered – outsized reactions to innocuous information comes from somewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have these sort of involuntary mental reactions to - for example - social media posts from friends whose kids are in school full time but they don’t have a job/ anything they do - and they’re just doing nothing. I work crazy bananas hard and always have - and make a pretty decent salary. At one point I stopped working when the kids were little - but got pretty depressed and went back. Am I just jealous of them? I don’t want to be judgmental so why does my brain do this? I’m sure it is hiding a deeper feeling and my therapist has said I need to figure out what is triggering me

This is the difference OP. Assuming your spouses are on the same salary level, you likely have more disposable income and financial freedom than they do. That's the trade-off. I don't find giving up my career to be a SAHM to be an enviable path. Nothing against it if its what you want--just not for me. I was laid off during COVID and couldn't wait to get back to work.

Now, for those who have rich spouses or trust funds and truly live a life of leisure, that's a different story.

[Anonymous]

A little bit. I had a SAHM mom and we don't get along great so I'm sure that's part of it. I am not a huge die-hard feminist but sometimes have a hard time shaking the knee-jerk reaction that SAHMs are falling for a gender stereotyped trap. I don't feel that way about SAHDs.