Why does my mother control my father, and why does he allow it?

[Anonymous]

My parents had this dynamic. All their lives.

Mom was a perfectionist who loved control. She often ridiculed dad (and us kids) for not doing things exactly right according to her high standards, with the result that dad gradually did less and less. Dad was laid back and passive, and perfectly happy to let his competent wife take care all the household running chores. Deep down, he knew mom had a kind heart and meant well, so he let her run things and tune her out most of the time. Occasionally her hen-pecking ways get out of hand and he'd snap at her. Mom coped with her resentment of dad by dumping on me.

It's a dysfunctional relationship, sure, but it worked for them. Shortly before dad died, he told us what a great partner mom had been for him. Her love language was acts of service, and despite all her bark, she took really good physical care of him. For her part mom was inconsolable after dad's passing. She changed her tune completely and sang only his praises.

It's a mind f*ck for me, watching their relationship and all the dysfunctions there within. I believe they were codependent on each other, a domineering personality and an enabler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like the type that tries to train his wife to never talk to him or ask anything if him. Just let him be by himself doing his vices. Unlimited coffee and TV.

She may have even tried that. And realized it bothered her - all the two way ignoring and neglecting- and he was happy as a lark. As long as the electricity and cable bills were paid, groceries made it into the house and meals appeared.

So she made more social circles and that fulfills her emotional and social needs.

And who knows what their roles were when there were children in the home. Children don’t pick up on much and when selfish busy teens they still may not.

Do you have kids Op?

Did you even read OP's original post? Your responses do not at all fit with her post. You are reading in way more facts than are present.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents had this dynamic. All their lives.

Mom was a perfectionist who loved control. She often ridiculed dad (and us kids) for not doing things exactly right according to her high standards, with the result that dad gradually did less and less. Dad was laid back and passive, and perfectly happy to let his competent wife take care all the household running chores. Deep down, he knew mom had a kind heart and meant well, so he let her run things and tune her out most of the time. Occasionally her hen-pecking ways get out of hand and he'd snap at her. Mom coped with her resentment of dad by dumping on me.

It's a dysfunctional relationship, sure, but it worked for them. Shortly before dad died, he told us what a great partner mom had been for him. Her love language was acts of service, and despite all her bark, she took really good physical care of him. For her part mom was inconsolable after dad's passing. She changed her tune completely and sang only his praises.

It's a mind f*ck for me, watching their relationship and all the dysfunctions there within. I believe they were codependent on each other, a domineering personality and an enabler.

That’s a pretty superficial interpretation of someone’s marriage and capabilities.

Maybe if you marry someone laid back and passive, you’ll realize what few options you have for functioning well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents had this dynamic. All their lives.

Mom was a perfectionist who loved control. She often ridiculed dad (and us kids) for not doing things exactly right according to her high standards, with the result that dad gradually did less and less. Dad was laid back and passive, and perfectly happy to let his competent wife take care all the household running chores. Deep down, he knew mom had a kind heart and meant well, so he let her run things and tune her out most of the time. Occasionally her hen-pecking ways get out of hand and he'd snap at her. Mom coped with her resentment of dad by dumping on me.

It's a dysfunctional relationship, sure, but it worked for them. Shortly before dad died, he told us what a great partner mom had been for him. Her love language was acts of service, and despite all her bark, she took really good physical care of him. For her part mom was inconsolable after dad's passing. She changed her tune completely and sang only his praises.

It's a mind f*ck for me, watching their relationship and all the dysfunctions there within. I believe they were codependent on each other, a domineering personality and an enabler.

That’s a pretty superficial interpretation of someone’s marriage and capabilities.

Maybe if you marry someone laid back and passive, you’ll realize what few options you have for functioning well.

If you are spending your life belittling your spouse, minimizing your own attributes and contribution to your family (beyond how hard you work), and giving your children a poor example of marriage, then you aren’t exactly “functioning well.”

[Anonymous]

Huh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Huh?

I know you think you’re doing something, but in the event you really are this dense, PP, there are FIVE pages of people who got it, so maybe this thread is too much for your mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Huh?

Sounds like that posters mom belittled the passive laid back father, and didn’t appreciate her own household efforts or contributions, and had a bad marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are both in their 70s and I’ve noticed it getting so much worse in the years since they’ve retired. She nit picks everything he does, from how many cups of coffee he’s “allowed” in the morning (zero health issues), to how much TV he watches during the day, and what he watches. Meanwhile, she runs around the house and town pursuing her own hobbies and interests with reckless abandon. I can’t figure out why she cares so much about what he does with his time. It’s the strangest thing.

What prompted me to post this was us offering up the usage of our HBOMax subscription. My mom immediately shut it down because she didn’t want my dad having more access to more content. But why does she care what he does when she runs off with her girlfriends? And before you ask, they do plenty together, so these small obsessions of hers don’t make sense. What does it supply her with?

Maybe it's one way of showing that she cares about him, and he likes feeling cared about. Maybe he also thinks he should have less coffee and tv (for example) and appreciates her keeping these habits down. Maybe he just tunes her out by this point and really doesn't care.

What's puzzling to me is why you care so much? Is he expressing unhappiness to you? If so, tell him he's making his own choices and leave you out of it. If not, you should recognize that he's making his own choices and keep out of it.

Well said!!!

[Anonymous]

I have not read any posts in this blog about crept to slim the OP, but I know I have the answer. She is a narcissist and he is her echoist. How do I know? My mother is a narcissist and I barely survived my traumatic childhood. I’m watching my father go through the same thing now.

[Anonymous]

Was she a controlling mother? Maybe now that she doesn't have children living at home anymore she has transferred her "mothering" onto your dad and he just doesn't care enough to fight about it. By the way, unless he expresses displeasure with the current set up, let it go. Some people wouldn't be bothered by this. Just like some people are find having lots of loud kids and messy houses and others need children to be quiet and have everything in its place. There's no right answer, there's only the right situation for a specific person.

[Anonymous]

Are you married with kids Op?

I think then and only then might you realize what the actual dynamic was in your household growing up and now.
Sure it might be easy to superficially state that Mom is a perfectionist and a control freak and worked fulltime and raised the kids and maintained the home and schedule.

But did she have a choice in that?

I married someone who we now know has an invisible disability. So to keep the house and kid train safe and on the tracks for gas to become efficient and vigilant.

But my kids know the big picture, so would never turn around and call me a control freak. Might another family on a trip with us who hasn’t figured out that my spouse who “always works” is not OK and I’m doing the load of two adults? Maybe not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents had this dynamic. All their lives.

Mom was a perfectionist who loved control. She often ridiculed dad (and us kids) for not doing things exactly right according to her high standards, with the result that dad gradually did less and less. Dad was laid back and passive, and perfectly happy to let his competent wife take care all the household running chores. Deep down, he knew mom had a kind heart and meant well, so he let her run things and tune her out most of the time. Occasionally her hen-pecking ways get out of hand and he'd snap at her. Mom coped with her resentment of dad by dumping on me.

It's a dysfunctional relationship, sure, but it worked for them. Shortly before dad died, he told us what a great partner mom had been for him. Her love language was acts of service, and despite all her bark, she took really good physical care of him. For her part mom was inconsolable after dad's passing. She changed her tune completely and sang only his praises.

It's a mind f*ck for me, watching their relationship and all the dysfunctions there within. I believe they were codependent on each other, a domineering personality and an enabler.

That’s a pretty superficial interpretation of someone’s marriage and capabilities.

Maybe if you marry someone laid back and passive, you’ll realize what few options you have for functioning well.

I'm sorry that you married a dud. but you don't get to dismiss my family story.

My dad was not a dud. He was accomplished, level headed, and a good listener. He had his faults, but was still a good father and a decent husband. He never, ever, badmouthed my mom, even though he had plenty of reasons to. Mom was a martyr with a raging temper who blamed everything on everyone else. Had she married someone not as laid back as dad, I'm positive there would have been shouting matches and worse.

[Anonymous]

This is where actual Examples can provide clarity on who’s actually dysfunctional.
The “martyr” or the “laid back one.”

[Anonymous]

And peeling back the onion helps too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents had this dynamic. All their lives.

Mom was a perfectionist who loved control. She often ridiculed dad (and us kids) for not doing things exactly right according to her high standards, with the result that dad gradually did less and less. Dad was laid back and passive, and perfectly happy to let his competent wife take care all the household running chores. Deep down, he knew mom had a kind heart and meant well, so he let her run things and tune her out most of the time. Occasionally her hen-pecking ways get out of hand and he'd snap at her. Mom coped with her resentment of dad by dumping on me.

It's a dysfunctional relationship, sure, but it worked for them. Shortly before dad died, he told us what a great partner mom had been for him. Her love language was acts of service, and despite all her bark, she took really good physical care of him. For her part mom was inconsolable after dad's passing. She changed her tune completely and sang only his praises.

It's a mind f*ck for me, watching their relationship and all the dysfunctions there within. I believe they were codependent on each other, a domineering personality and an enabler.

That’s a pretty superficial interpretation of someone’s marriage and capabilities.

Classic narcissist!

Maybe if you marry someone laid back and passive, you’ll realize what few options you have for functioning well.

I'm sorry that you married a dud. but you don't get to dismiss my family story.

My dad was not a dud. He was accomplished, level headed, and a good listener. He had his faults, but was still a good father and a decent husband. He never, ever, badmouthed my mom, even though he had plenty of reasons to. Mom was a martyr with a raging temper who blamed everything on everyone else. Had she married someone not as laid back as dad, I'm positive there would have been shouting matches and worse.