Why does my mother control my father, and why does he allow it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am this way as was my mother.
I must say she got so tired of control she let me go at 17. I inherited her mindset of leading a useful life, so I now control my son and my dad. Not obsessively but I do, to a point where some people think it’s too much.
The problem is that they are both near and dear to my heart and they are very much alike. They live in the land of imagination and are prone to screen addiction. I think they do better when they have somewhat of a schedule and some semblance of rules. My son is 12 so maybe he will develop more self regulation in the future. My dad however is 77 so there isn’t much hope for him. If he doesn’t have a bit of external control he waffles around all day and then engages in self loathing for not being productive.
I would like to know more about my need for control. Maybe that’s my way to feel fulfilled. I have a job but not a career and I do have friends, but my life is all about various life projects (centered around me or my family), so maybe that’s part of it.

None of the above is “being controlling,” it’s just parenting and raising a kid or taking care of someone so they have healthy eating or screen habits. And don’t get too addicted to chemicals (caffeine, sweets) or dopamine hits (screens).

“Controlling” behavior is forbidding someone from seeing their family, or forcing them to eat only broccoli, or making them do everything or else (Cinderella style).

When it’s not your child and is an adult, you are wildly incorrect.

[Anonymous]

A couple of thoughts-
Sounds like she could be more kind….but also
Maybe she is just being controlling?
Maybe she is seeing cognitive decline/loss of judgement and is creating boundaries?
Maybe he is on the spectrum and needs clarity and guidance. My MIL did this with my FIL. It seemed odd and controlling until we realized FIL is on the spectrum .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am this way as was my mother.
I must say she got so tired of control she let me go at 17. I inherited her mindset of leading a useful life, so I now control my son and my dad. Not obsessively but I do, to a point where some people think it’s too much.
The problem is that they are both near and dear to my heart and they are very much alike. They live in the land of imagination and are prone to screen addiction. I think they do better when they have somewhat of a schedule and some semblance of rules. My son is 12 so maybe he will develop more self regulation in the future. My dad however is 77 so there isn’t much hope for him. If he doesn’t have a bit of external control he waffles around all day and then engages in self loathing for not being productive.
I would like to know more about my need for control. Maybe that’s my way to feel fulfilled. I have a job but not a career and I do have friends, but my life is all about various life projects (centered around me or my family), so maybe that’s part of it.

None of the above is “being controlling,” it’s just parenting and raising a kid or taking care of someone so they have healthy eating or screen habits. And don’t get too addicted to chemicals (caffeine, sweets) or dopamine hits (screens).

“Controlling” behavior is forbidding someone from seeing their family, or forcing them to eat only broccoli, or making them do everything or else (Cinderella style).

Sorry, pp, but it is indeed controlling to try to manage the screen time of a 77 year old! Even if intentions are good, that’s a controlling way to “take care of someone.”

I am the self described controlling PP
I am torn on screen time for my dad
He stays up late and sleeps in late and then he can’t function because he wakes up at 4 pm and he is ready for a walk around 10 pm (he is very slow in his daily routines)
I am not sure it’s healthy
He lives far away so I won’t be able to control him beyond the holidays but I am thinking what I should do once he moved closer in a year or two

[Anonymous]

Pp again: I guess my point is there are people who need lifelong guidance and yes control

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My grandma controls my grandpa exactly like this. Has also gotten worse with age. She needs someone to control, it gives her life meaning. She controlled my mom and me before, and still tries to, but he’s the only one left whom she can reliably exert her influence over.

Why he lets her… I’m not sure. He has a more passive personality and I think she’s trained him to accept it over time. Every once in a while, he will get mad and explode at her, but usually he goes along with her bossing him around.

This is a serious form of emotional abuse. If a man was controlling a woman like this, everyone on DCUM would immediately call for an intervention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you want to control what your parents do?



Maybe that’s how she expresses and/ or he experiences love and caring.
Most of us would see “watch tv all day and drink all the coffee you want” as not being terribly supportive of the other person’s well-being.

If a man told his wife how to handle her time all day-- how to dress, what to wear, how much time to spend online-- would you say it's just how he expresses how much he loves and cares for her? When men are controlling, they're abusers. When women are controlling they're what-- nurturers?

No. And I didn’t say that here. Do you understand what the word “Maybe” means?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you want to control what your parents do?



Maybe that’s how she expresses and/ or he experiences love and caring.
Most of us would see “watch tv all day and drink all the coffee you want” as not being terribly supportive of the other person’s well-being.

If a man told his wife how to handle her time all day-- how to dress, what to wear, how much time to spend online-- would you say it's just how he expresses how much he loves and cares for her? When men are controlling, they're abusers. When women are controlling they're what-- nurturers?

+1000. This has all the classic red flags for emotional abuse.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes, the power dynamic is different than it appears to outsiders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am this way as was my mother.
I must say she got so tired of control she let me go at 17. I inherited her mindset of leading a useful life, so I now control my son and my dad. Not obsessively but I do, to a point where some people think it’s too much.
The problem is that they are both near and dear to my heart and they are very much alike. They live in the land of imagination and are prone to screen addiction. I think they do better when they have somewhat of a schedule and some semblance of rules. My son is 12 so maybe he will develop more self regulation in the future. My dad however is 77 so there isn’t much hope for him. If he doesn’t have a bit of external control he waffles around all day and then engages in self loathing for not being productive.
I would like to know more about my need for control. Maybe that’s my way to feel fulfilled. I have a job but not a career and I do have friends, but my life is all about various life projects (centered around me or my family), so maybe that’s part of it.

It doesn’t sound like your life is going perfectly if to plan. You have no career and are a single parent without any prospect of a life partner. I’m not sure what makes you think that you have the right to tell other people how to manage their lives when you don’t have your own life together.

[Anonymous]

I wondered about this same thing. Then my mom died at age 79, my dad moved into a CCRC and promptly found a girlfriend who now orders him around. I think some people like to be controlled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am this way as was my mother.
I must say she got so tired of control she let me go at 17. I inherited her mindset of leading a useful life, so I now control my son and my dad. Not obsessively but I do, to a point where some people think it’s too much.
The problem is that they are both near and dear to my heart and they are very much alike. They live in the land of imagination and are prone to screen addiction. I think they do better when they have somewhat of a schedule and some semblance of rules. My son is 12 so maybe he will develop more self regulation in the future. My dad however is 77 so there isn’t much hope for him. If he doesn’t have a bit of external control he waffles around all day and then engages in self loathing for not being productive.
I would like to know more about my need for control. Maybe that’s my way to feel fulfilled. I have a job but not a career and I do have friends, but my life is all about various life projects (centered around me or my family), so maybe that’s part of it.

None of the above is “being controlling,” it’s just parenting and raising a kid or taking care of someone so they have healthy eating or screen habits. And don’t get too addicted to chemicals (caffeine, sweets) or dopamine hits (screens).

“Controlling” behavior is forbidding someone from seeing their family, or forcing them to eat only broccoli, or making them do everything or else (Cinderella style).

Sorry, pp, but it is indeed controlling to try to manage the screen time of a 77 year old! Even if intentions are good, that’s a controlling way to “take care of someone.”

Sounds like he already IS watching hours and hours of daytime TV, hence the wife leaves the house to find interaction.

Giving him another streaming service probably felt like a slap in the face to the wife. He clearly doesn’t come across as Me FixIt with home improvement projects or yard improvements or Mr I Love Cooking new Dishes in his spare time. He’s really let himself go…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Laid back men” like this always need someone else who wears the pants.

Op is dense. She likes Mr relaxed Laid Back Do Nothing parent, not the one actually doing doing all the hard work.

Typical misogyny. Good luck Op, with your own life and family and spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am this way as was my mother.
I must say she got so tired of control she let me go at 17. I inherited her mindset of leading a useful life, so I now control my son and my dad. Not obsessively but I do, to a point where some people think it’s too much.
The problem is that they are both near and dear to my heart and they are very much alike. They live in the land of imagination and are prone to screen addiction. I think they do better when they have somewhat of a schedule and some semblance of rules. My son is 12 so maybe he will develop more self regulation in the future. My dad however is 77 so there isn’t much hope for him. If he doesn’t have a bit of external control he waffles around all day and then engages in self loathing for not being productive.
I would like to know more about my need for control. Maybe that’s my way to feel fulfilled. I have a job but not a career and I do have friends, but my life is all about various life projects (centered around me or my family), so maybe that’s part of it.

None of the above is “being controlling,” it’s just parenting and raising a kid or taking care of someone so they have healthy eating or screen habits. And don’t get too addicted to chemicals (caffeine, sweets) or dopamine hits (screens).

“Controlling” behavior is forbidding someone from seeing their family, or forcing them to eat only broccoli, or making them do everything or else (Cinderella style).

Sorry, pp, but it is indeed controlling to try to manage the screen time of a 77 year old! Even if intentions are good, that’s a controlling way to “take care of someone.”

OPs father is not 77. That was a different poster and example

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did he retire right at 62? My mom retired at 62 and more or less forced my dad to retire to he could sit home with her all day long. This is how they've been for the last ten years. It's sad to see what he's become. He depends on her for everything. He's lost his social skills, has no friends, no no hobbies, and only leaves the house when she wants to leave. I can't believe he allowed this to happen to himself.

If she truly forced him to retire and then merely stay home that’s nuts.

People need socialization, baring a mental disorder, and to be at least semi-productive and active.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am this way as was my mother.
I must say she got so tired of control she let me go at 17. I inherited her mindset of leading a useful life, so I now control my son and my dad. Not obsessively but I do, to a point where some people think it’s too much.
The problem is that they are both near and dear to my heart and they are very much alike. They live in the land of imagination and are prone to screen addiction. I think they do better when they have somewhat of a schedule and some semblance of rules. My son is 12 so maybe he will develop more self regulation in the future. My dad however is 77 so there isn’t much hope for him. If he doesn’t have a bit of external control he waffles around all day and then engages in self loathing for not being productive.
I would like to know more about my need for control. Maybe that’s my way to feel fulfilled. I have a job but not a career and I do have friends, but my life is all about various life projects (centered around me or my family), so maybe that’s part of it.

None of the above is “being controlling,” it’s just parenting and raising a kid or taking care of someone so they have healthy eating or screen habits. And don’t get too addicted to chemicals (caffeine, sweets) or dopamine hits (screens).

“Controlling” behavior is forbidding someone from seeing their family, or forcing them to eat only broccoli, or making them do everything or else (Cinderella style).

Sorry, pp, but it is indeed controlling to try to manage the screen time of a 77 year old! Even if intentions are good, that’s a controlling way to “take care of someone.”

Sounds like he already IS watching hours and hours of daytime TV, hence the wife leaves the house to find interaction.

Giving him another streaming service probably felt like a slap in the face to the wife. He clearly doesn’t come across as Me FixIt with home improvement projects or yard improvements or Mr I Love Cooking new Dishes in his spare time. He’s really let himself go…

I was talking to a PP who wants to control her dad, not the OP.
You are doing an awful lot of assuming, though. I’m a woman, but i agree with the pp who observes that it seems like the consensus is that women controlling is ok, because it’s seen as supportive and loving, and hey, that guy probably needs it because he’s a dud or would be a sue without it. I know that I would hit the roof if my husband told me how much coffee to drink in a day or how much tv to watch, and I suspect that DCUM would consider these red flags of unacceptably controlling behavior.