Why does my mother control my father, and why does he allow it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp again: I guess my point is there are people who need lifelong guidance and yes control

Agree. Fine let’s all redefine “taking care” of someone or “teaching someone” or “coaching someone” or “offering Things to Do” or “providing health food instead of whatever this kid wants” as controlling. See how long that lasts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wondered about this same thing. Then my mom died at age 79, my dad moved into a CCRC and promptly found a girlfriend who now orders him around. I think some people like to be controlled.

Or do nothing but sit around with no responsibilities, even to themselves. Certainly not to others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am this way as was my mother.
I must say she got so tired of control she let me go at 17. I inherited her mindset of leading a useful life, so I now control my son and my dad. Not obsessively but I do, to a point where some people think it’s too much.
The problem is that they are both near and dear to my heart and they are very much alike. They live in the land of imagination and are prone to screen addiction. I think they do better when they have somewhat of a schedule and some semblance of rules. My son is 12 so maybe he will develop more self regulation in the future. My dad however is 77 so there isn’t much hope for him. If he doesn’t have a bit of external control he waffles around all day and then engages in self loathing for not being productive.
I would like to know more about my need for control. Maybe that’s my way to feel fulfilled. I have a job but not a career and I do have friends, but my life is all about various life projects (centered around me or my family), so maybe that’s part of it.

It doesn’t sound like your life is going perfectly if to plan. You have no career and are a single parent without any prospect of a life partner. I’m not sure what makes you think that you have the right to tell other people how to manage their lives when you don’t have your own life together.

But I don’t want a life partner. My child has a father in his life, just to be clear.
I don’t want a career. I have a job and I support myself and partially my child.
I disagree that there’s anything wrong with the way I live.
Also, I don’t coach people on relationships. Just on leading more or less productive lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wondered about this same thing. Then my mom died at age 79, my dad moved into a CCRC and promptly found a girlfriend who now orders him around. I think some people like to be controlled.

Yes I have come to think that way, too.
-PP who is keeping an eye on her dad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am this way as was my mother.
I must say she got so tired of control she let me go at 17. I inherited her mindset of leading a useful life, so I now control my son and my dad. Not obsessively but I do, to a point where some people think it’s too much.
The problem is that they are both near and dear to my heart and they are very much alike. They live in the land of imagination and are prone to screen addiction. I think they do better when they have somewhat of a schedule and some semblance of rules. My son is 12 so maybe he will develop more self regulation in the future. My dad however is 77 so there isn’t much hope for him. If he doesn’t have a bit of external control he waffles around all day and then engages in self loathing for not being productive.
I would like to know more about my need for control. Maybe that’s my way to feel fulfilled. I have a job but not a career and I do have friends, but my life is all about various life projects (centered around me or my family), so maybe that’s part of it.

None of the above is “being controlling,” it’s just parenting and raising a kid or taking care of someone so they have healthy eating or screen habits. And don’t get too addicted to chemicals (caffeine, sweets) or dopamine hits (screens).

“Controlling” behavior is forbidding someone from seeing their family, or forcing them to eat only broccoli, or making them do everything or else (Cinderella style).

Sorry, pp, but it is indeed controlling to try to manage the screen time of a 77 year old! Even if intentions are good, that’s a controlling way to “take care of someone.”

Sounds like he already IS watching hours and hours of daytime TV, hence the wife leaves the house to find interaction.

Giving him another streaming service probably felt like a slap in the face to the wife. He clearly doesn’t come across as Me FixIt with home improvement projects or yard improvements or Mr I Love Cooking new Dishes in his spare time. He’s really let himself go…

I was talking to a PP who wants to control her dad, not the OP.
You are doing an awful lot of assuming, though. I’m a woman, but i agree with the pp who observes that it seems like the consensus is that women controlling is ok, because it’s seen as supportive and loving, and hey, that guy probably needs it because he’s a dud or would be a sue without it. I know that I would hit the roof if my husband told me how much coffee to drink in a day or how much tv to watch, and I suspect that DCUM would consider these red flags of unacceptably controlling behavior.

I am the PP
interestingly I hate being controlled
But my dad doesn’t seem to mind. I was very soft with him and told him to always push back if he feels like it. He tells me he wants to be productive and appreciates my care. But maybe it’s just how it feels compared to my late mother who really had little patience with him.

[Anonymous]

It’s also a generational thing. Over the last century plenty of men were raised with the idea that a woman would manage their home lives, so when they’re being (at best) fussed over or (at worst) controlled by their wives, it’s just the natural order of things. And many don’t even know the difference between the two or just give up as they age.

[Anonymous]

Where’s the line here?

Do you pick up after yourself? Or being told to do so controlling?

Do you get out on screens 4-8 hours a day and ignore life? “ “

Do you eat and drink whatever you want all the time? “ “

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am this way as was my mother.
I must say she got so tired of control she let me go at 17. I inherited her mindset of leading a useful life, so I now control my son and my dad. Not obsessively but I do, to a point where some people think it’s too much.
The problem is that they are both near and dear to my heart and they are very much alike. They live in the land of imagination and are prone to screen addiction. I think they do better when they have somewhat of a schedule and some semblance of rules. My son is 12 so maybe he will develop more self regulation in the future. My dad however is 77 so there isn’t much hope for him. If he doesn’t have a bit of external control he waffles around all day and then engages in self loathing for not being productive.
I would like to know more about my need for control. Maybe that’s my way to feel fulfilled. I have a job but not a career and I do have friends, but my life is all about various life projects (centered around me or my family), so maybe that’s part of it.

It doesn’t sound like your life is going perfectly if to plan. You have no career and are a single parent without any prospect of a life partner. I’m not sure what makes you think that you have the right to tell other people how to manage their lives when you don’t have your own life together.

But I don’t want a life partner. My child has a father in his life, just to be clear.
I don’t want a career. I have a job and I support myself and partially my child.
I disagree that there’s anything wrong with the way I live.
Also, I don’t coach people on relationships. Just on leading more or less productive lives.

What if people don’t want to live more productive lives in the way that you don’t want to have a career or be able to fully support your child? Wouldn’t you find it irritating if your father started sending you job postings or trying to get you to go back to school to get a career? And then told you that it was because he loves you, you are close to his heart, and he hates to see you in an unfulfilling job?

Or what if your best friend was posting your info on dating apps and telling you that you seem happier in a relationship?

I mean, even with the best of intentions, this behavior is irritating at best, and it erodes your relationships with people you love. Don’t you see that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where’s the line here?

Do you pick up after yourself? Or being told to do so controlling?

Do you get out on screens 4-8 hours a day and ignore life? “ “

Do you eat and drink whatever you want all the time? “ “

It depends.

If you living in a shared space with someone, then you can ask them to pick up after themselves. If not, then that behavior is controlling.

If you have shared responsibilities with someone, and they aren’t picking up their end of the deal because of their 4-8 hours of screen time, then you can and should ask them to cut back. Otherwise, what another adult does with their time isn’t any of your responsibility.

I have no idea why you want to dictate what other adults eat or drink. Yes. People should be allowed to eat or drink whatever they want all of the time (barring some kind of mental illness where they have pica or are dying from starvation).

[Anonymous]

Maybe she has chores she wants him to do?

[Anonymous]

I don’t know about you but I love how big and fat my spouse got from overeating all the time the last few years. I better not say anything. Just keep watching him inhale food for two adults three times a day. So sexy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know about you but I love how big and fat my spouse got from overeating all the time the last few years. I better not say anything. Just keep watching him inhale food for two adults three times a day. So sexy.

I don’t know about you, but I love having a wife who tells my that I’m gross and attempts to manipulate and control my diet. It makes me feel so uplifted and confident and ready to do anything for her. So sexy.

[Anonymous]

Your mother does this because this is the relationship she wants to be in and apparently your father is okay with it. Unless he is mentally declining, he can speak up for himself but chooses not to do so. You're not going to change people that age. Does your dad seem unhappy? If not, why do you care?

[Anonymous]

He would be a huge turn off for me if my husband sat around the house all day everyday. Just drinking coffee and watching endless hours of TV. Sorry but that's not emotionally or mentally healthy for anyone.
And it would pretty much kill any attraction I had for him. Now a few days here there or a week at the holidays. Yeah for sure do you?. But as a lifestyle choice no.

[Anonymous]

Here’s a question:

Does your mother have any reason to stay in that marriage?

Does your father have any reason to stay in that marriage?

Maybe the reason used to be to raise the kids right since 50/50 doesn’t work so hot. Maybe now the reason is, who cares, we’re old and what would grandpa do but turn into a wet noodle.