Why does my mother control my father, and why does he allow it?

[Anonymous]

“Laid back men” like this always need someone else who wears the pants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:their dysfunction works for them so for them it is functional. If it aint broken, don't fix it. Let them have their own brand of crazy and be glad they don't drag you in. Wait till he passes away. My mom's quirk was to pick fights with dad and have huge shouting matches. When he died she endless poked at me and tried to engage in shouting matches. I had to visit and call less and less. She will need to get herself on the dating scene and find a man who loves drama and crazy. Maybe I should put her on the aps.

How frequent were the shouting matches and how often did your father do some form of grey rock before it came to that? For science.

[Anonymous]

He should be able to spend his time any way he wants. He should be able to eat/drink any thing he wants. At the moment, at least, he is a competent adult. He's not an addict. He's not demented.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He should be able to spend his time any way he wants. He should be able to eat/drink any thing he wants. At the moment, at least, he is a competent adult. He's not an addict. He's not demented.

Imagine a house where each spouse or inhabitant only did what what they wanted for themselves and no one else. It’d be like the single bachelor days!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you want to control what your parents do?



Maybe that’s how she expresses and/ or he experiences love and caring.
Most of us would see “watch tv all day and drink all the coffee you want” as not being terribly supportive of the other person’s well-being.

If a man told his wife how to handle her time all day-- how to dress, what to wear, how much time to spend online-- would you say it's just how he expresses how much he loves and cares for her? When men are controlling, they're abusers. When women are controlling they're what-- nurturers?

[Anonymous]

Did he retire right at 62? My mom retired at 62 and more or less forced my dad to retire to he could sit home with her all day long. This is how they've been for the last ten years. It's sad to see what he's become. He depends on her for everything. He's lost his social skills, has no friends, no no hobbies, and only leaves the house when she wants to leave. I can't believe he allowed this to happen to himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did he retire right at 62? My mom retired at 62 and more or less forced my dad to retire to he could sit home with her all day long. This is how they've been for the last ten years. It's sad to see what he's become. He depends on her for everything. He's lost his social skills, has no friends, no no hobbies, and only leaves the house when she wants to leave. I can't believe he allowed this to happen to himself.

Looks like an opposite case to what OP described
Here the mom actually wants to see dad do more than gulp down tons of coffee and watch tv all day

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you want to control what your parents do?



Maybe that’s how she expresses and/ or he experiences love and caring.
Most of us would see “watch tv all day and drink all the coffee you want” as not being terribly supportive of the other person’s well-being.

If a man told his wife how to handle her time all day-- how to dress, what to wear, how much time to spend online-- would you say it's just how he expresses how much he loves and cares for her? When men are controlling, they're abusers. When women are controlling they're what-- nurturers?

Op didn’t provide any examples of what’s going on. And ignoring someone is not caring for them.
We only know that the mother is limiting coffee intake and trying to get the husband not to watch more hours of television a day.

[Anonymous]

I am this way as was my mother.
I must say she got so tired of control she let me go at 17. I inherited her mindset of leading a useful life, so I now control my son and my dad. Not obsessively but I do, to a point where some people think it’s too much.
The problem is that they are both near and dear to my heart and they are very much alike. They live in the land of imagination and are prone to screen addiction. I think they do better when they have somewhat of a schedule and some semblance of rules. My son is 12 so maybe he will develop more self regulation in the future. My dad however is 77 so there isn’t much hope for him. If he doesn’t have a bit of external control he waffles around all day and then engages in self loathing for not being productive.
I would like to know more about my need for control. Maybe that’s my way to feel fulfilled. I have a job but not a career and I do have friends, but my life is all about various life projects (centered around me or my family), so maybe that’s part of it.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she thinks he's going to find a girlfriend behind her back so she wants to make sure she's keeping track of his whereabouts

In all honesty, though, I tend to think the controlling behavior stems from something. Usually, it's about the controller, not their target. The person controlling gets a payoff.

[Anonymous]

It's not healthy and it's not nice to view your partner - as less than

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am this way as was my mother.
I must say she got so tired of control she let me go at 17. I inherited her mindset of leading a useful life, so I now control my son and my dad. Not obsessively but I do, to a point where some people think it’s too much.
The problem is that they are both near and dear to my heart and they are very much alike. They live in the land of imagination and are prone to screen addiction. I think they do better when they have somewhat of a schedule and some semblance of rules. My son is 12 so maybe he will develop more self regulation in the future. My dad however is 77 so there isn’t much hope for him. If he doesn’t have a bit of external control he waffles around all day and then engages in self loathing for not being productive.
I would like to know more about my need for control. Maybe that’s my way to feel fulfilled. I have a job but not a career and I do have friends, but my life is all about various life projects (centered around me or my family), so maybe that’s part of it.

None of the above is “being controlling,” it’s just parenting and raising a kid or taking care of someone so they have healthy eating or screen habits. And don’t get too addicted to chemicals (caffeine, sweets) or dopamine hits (screens).

“Controlling” behavior is forbidding someone from seeing their family, or forcing them to eat only broccoli, or making them do everything or else (Cinderella style).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are both in their 70s and I’ve noticed it getting so much worse in the years since they’ve retired. She nit picks everything he does, from how many cups of coffee he’s “allowed” in the morning (zero health issues), to how much TV he watches during the day, and what he watches. Meanwhile, she runs around the house and town pursuing her own hobbies and interests with reckless abandon. I can’t figure out why she cares so much about what he does with his time. It’s the strangest thing.

What prompted me to post this was us offering up the usage of our HBOMax subscription. My mom immediately shut it down because she didn’t want my dad having more access to more content. But why does she care what he does when she runs off with her girlfriends? And before you ask, they do plenty together, so these small obsessions of hers don’t make sense. What does it supply her with?

TV during the day??

Yikes.

Like crazy news on how the world is ending? Or back to back documentaries?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am this way as was my mother.
I must say she got so tired of control she let me go at 17. I inherited her mindset of leading a useful life, so I now control my son and my dad. Not obsessively but I do, to a point where some people think it’s too much.
The problem is that they are both near and dear to my heart and they are very much alike. They live in the land of imagination and are prone to screen addiction. I think they do better when they have somewhat of a schedule and some semblance of rules. My son is 12 so maybe he will develop more self regulation in the future. My dad however is 77 so there isn’t much hope for him. If he doesn’t have a bit of external control he waffles around all day and then engages in self loathing for not being productive.
I would like to know more about my need for control. Maybe that’s my way to feel fulfilled. I have a job but not a career and I do have friends, but my life is all about various life projects (centered around me or my family), so maybe that’s part of it.

None of the above is “being controlling,” it’s just parenting and raising a kid or taking care of someone so they have healthy eating or screen habits. And don’t get too addicted to chemicals (caffeine, sweets) or dopamine hits (screens).

“Controlling” behavior is forbidding someone from seeing their family, or forcing them to eat only broccoli, or making them do everything or else (Cinderella style).

Sorry, pp, but it is indeed controlling to try to manage the screen time of a 77 year old! Even if intentions are good, that’s a controlling way to “take care of someone.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The same reason why you control your DH

Aww, you felt so clever when you posted this.

NP