Why does my mother control my father, and why does he allow it?

[Anonymous]

They are both in their 70s and I’ve noticed it getting so much worse in the years since they’ve retired. She nit picks everything he does, from how many cups of coffee he’s “allowed” in the morning (zero health issues), to how much TV he watches during the day, and what he watches. Meanwhile, she runs around the house and town pursuing her own hobbies and interests with reckless abandon. I can’t figure out why she cares so much about what he does with his time. It’s the strangest thing.

What prompted me to post this was us offering up the usage of our HBOMax subscription. My mom immediately shut it down because she didn’t want my dad having more access to more content. But why does she care what he does when she runs off with her girlfriends? And before you ask, they do plenty together, so these small obsessions of hers don’t make sense. What does it supply her with?

[Anonymous]

The same reason why you control your DH

[Anonymous]

Why do you want to control what your parents do?



Maybe that’s how she expresses and/ or he experiences love and caring.
Most of us would see “watch tv all day and drink all the coffee you want” as not being terribly supportive of the other person’s well-being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you want to control what your parents do?



Maybe that’s how she expresses and/ or he experiences love and caring.
Most of us would see “watch tv all day and drink all the coffee you want” as not being terribly supportive of the other person’s well-being.

To add: Have you also asked the question: What does it supply HIM with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you want to control what your parents do?



Maybe that’s how she expresses and/ or he experiences love and caring.
Most of us would see “watch tv all day and drink all the coffee you want” as not being terribly supportive of the other person’s well-being.

Good point.

What does HE do for her? Now or over the last 30-40 years.

No one likes to bust their butt working, keeping house, raising kids, maintaining traditions and have a tagalong who only eats, drinks and watches Tv 24/7. Your dad needs to get some friends, REAL hobbies and interests, and be more active.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are both in their 70s and I’ve noticed it getting so much worse in the years since they’ve retired. She nit picks everything he does, from how many cups of coffee he’s “allowed” in the morning (zero health issues), to how much TV he watches during the day, and what he watches. Meanwhile, she runs around the house and town pursuing her own hobbies and interests with reckless abandon. I can’t figure out why she cares so much about what he does with his time. It’s the strangest thing.

What prompted me to post this was us offering up the usage of our HBOMax subscription. My mom immediately shut it down because she didn’t want my dad having more access to more content. But why does she care what he does when she runs off with her girlfriends? And before you ask, they do plenty together, so these small obsessions of hers don’t make sense. What does it supply her with?

Don’t offer up your streaming logins and passwords.

That’s tacky.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they need separate living quarters or a cleaning lady and cook to come in several times a week. Sitting at home making food messes and watching tv all the time sounds disgusting, and boring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are both in their 70s and I’ve noticed it getting so much worse in the years since they’ve retired. She nit picks everything he does, from how many cups of coffee he’s “allowed” in the morning (zero health issues), to how much TV he watches during the day, and what he watches. Meanwhile, she runs around the house and town pursuing her own hobbies and interests with reckless abandon. I can’t figure out why she cares so much about what he does with his time. It’s the strangest thing.

What prompted me to post this was us offering up the usage of our HBOMax subscription. My mom immediately shut it down because she didn’t want my dad having more access to more content. But why does she care what he does when she runs off with her girlfriends? And before you ask, they do plenty together, so these small obsessions of hers don’t make sense. What does it supply her with?

Maybe it's one way of showing that she cares about him, and he likes feeling cared about. Maybe he also thinks he should have less coffee and tv (for example) and appreciates her keeping these habits down. Maybe he just tunes her out by this point and really doesn't care.

What's puzzling to me is why you care so much? Is he expressing unhappiness to you? If so, tell him he's making his own choices and leave you out of it. If not, you should recognize that he's making his own choices and keep out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are both in their 70s and I’ve noticed it getting so much worse in the years since they’ve retired. She nit picks everything he does, from how many cups of coffee he’s “allowed” in the morning (zero health issues), to how much TV he watches during the day, and what he watches. Meanwhile, she runs around the house and town pursuing her own hobbies and interests with reckless abandon. I can’t figure out why she cares so much about what he does with his time. It’s the strangest thing.

What prompted me to post this was us offering up the usage of our HBOMax subscription. My mom immediately shut it down because she didn’t want my dad having more access to more content. But why does she care what he does when she runs off with her girlfriends? And before you ask, they do plenty together, so these small obsessions of hers don’t make sense. What does it supply her with?

Her “small obsessions” are how little your dad cares about anything other than what goes in his mouth and sitting like a zombie watching TV and not interacting with her, anyone, or the world. tV sux because you just sit there silently.

Let me guess, the “plenty of stuff they do together” are also all her proposals, ideas, planning and optimizing. He goes a long, says very little, never has a recap dinner or chat, comes home and silently watches tv.

He may have been like this for decades. You just only noticed now. Congratulate your mother for propping him up so long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you want to control what your parents do?



Maybe that’s how she expresses and/ or he experiences love and caring.
Most of us would see “watch tv all day and drink all the coffee you want” as not being terribly supportive of the other person’s well-being.

To add: Have you also asked the question: What does it supply HIM with?

Huh? A woman to take care of him. His mother, his wife, his adult daughter, whatever!

[Anonymous]

I find it interesting that you are just noticing these dynamics when they are in their 70s. I would guess it's been similar their whole relationship but you weren't paying attention.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like the type that tries to train his wife to never talk to him or ask anything if him. Just let him be by himself doing his vices. Unlimited coffee and TV.

She may have even tried that. And realized it bothered her - all the two way ignoring and neglecting- and he was happy as a lark. As long as the electricity and cable bills were paid, groceries made it into the house and meals appeared.

So she made more social circles and that fulfills her emotional and social needs.

And who knows what their roles were when there were children in the home. Children don’t pick up on much and when selfish busy teens they still may not.

Do you have kids Op?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are both in their 70s and I’ve noticed it getting so much worse in the years since they’ve retired. She nit picks everything he does, from how many cups of coffee he’s “allowed” in the morning (zero health issues), to how much TV he watches during the day, and what he watches. Meanwhile, she runs around the house and town pursuing her own hobbies and interests with reckless abandon. I can’t figure out why she cares so much about what he does with his time. It’s the strangest thing.

What prompted me to post this was us offering up the usage of our HBOMax subscription. My mom immediately shut it down because she didn’t want my dad having more access to more content. But why does she care what he does when she runs off with her girlfriends? And before you ask, they do plenty together, so these small obsessions of hers don’t make sense. What does it supply her with?

Nit picks what exactly?
He’s dumping coffee, leaving dirty mugs around, the living room has garbage in it, the house has major deferred maintenance issues?
He still doesn’t pick up after himself?

[Anonymous]

My grandma controls my grandpa exactly like this. Has also gotten worse with age. She needs someone to control, it gives her life meaning. She controlled my mom and me before, and still tries to, but he’s the only one left whom she can reliably exert her influence over.

Why he lets her… I’m not sure. He has a more passive personality and I think she’s trained him to accept it over time. Every once in a while, he will get mad and explode at her, but usually he goes along with her bossing him around.

[Anonymous]

their dysfunction works for them so for them it is functional. If it aint broken, don't fix it. Let them have their own brand of crazy and be glad they don't drag you in. Wait till he passes away. My mom's quirk was to pick fights with dad and have huge shouting matches. When he died she endless poked at me and tried to engage in shouting matches. I had to visit and call less and less. She will need to get herself on the dating scene and find a man who loves drama and crazy. Maybe I should put her on the aps.