Almost former ILs still want their "party"

[Anonymous]

I feel bad for the kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have the kids for Thanksgiving, your soon to be ex is getting them for Xmas, right?

Have you read the thread, dear? Please do so.

Yes, I read that OP is making herself and her parents a priority this Thanksgiving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for the kids

+1 Too many kids today are expected to make adjustments for their parents' feelings and behaviors, instead of the other way around.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are separated, he moved out a few months ago. We are still going to therapy for kid's sake. He told his side of the family. They are under some weird impression that I am hosting Thanksgiving this year. I am not. This year, it will be just the kids and my parents. I am not having a big get together, I got stuck with hosting throughout our marriage and I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. They are all aghast as to "why aren't you hosting? You are not divorced." We are not divorced, but we are getting there. I want to get us to a point where we are at least on good terms but no, we are not reconciling and moving back together. ILs are now calling my parents, guilt tripping them that "they get to spend time with grandkids during the holidays and they are not". This is so unfair.

I need to nip it in the bud once and for all but how? Without cussing them out?

In all seriousness, did you make this decision yourself or jointly with your soon to be ex? I can see why the other grandparents could be feeling hurt.

+1. So the kids live with you and you are cooking for them and inviting your parents, but not inviting ILs or DH. I totally understand why you don't want to host a big dinner, but you need to start thinking about custody and time. What is the plan with your ex? If part of the issue is that you don't want to have to micromanage your ex's and IL's time with the kids, I totally get that, but you need to be direct with your STBXH and direct at least once with your ILs. "Sylvia, it is Larlo's responsibility to make sure you get time with the grandkids. I have them on Thanksgiving Day. He has yet to let me know if he is seeing them another day that weekend. You need to talk to him about plans."

PP again. And, to be fair, there is nothing in your post indicating that they "want their party." Last they heard you were separated, and now they are hearing that you are having Thanksgiving and not inviting them. Maybe they are lazy and just want someone else to cook, but it sounds just as likely they are concerned and confused about not seeing the kids.

What exactly are they confused about? They can see kids any time. But I am no longer together with their son, we don't live under the same roof, we are not doing holidays together. Why is it so hard to understand?

DP. Based on your posts here, it does seem that a reasonable person could misunderstand the state of play. You’re separated and in therapy—those facts alone suggest you’re working on the relationship. But then you’ve said here that you’re not at all trying to move toward reconciliation. Well, if neither you nor STBX have told them that, they very reasonably could be getting that message for the first time in the form of a canceled holiday. So yes, that does invite confusion. That doesn’t make their harassment of your parents justified! But yes, I understand why they’ve been thrown for a loop.

We are in therapy to establish healthy co-parenting skills. Not to get back together. That ship has sailed.

And you told them that?

Shouldn't that come from her soon to be ex?
Although, sometimes sons are not forthcoming in this way, especially ones that have boundary issues and/or generally won't stand up to their parents.

Sure. But she wants to know why they’re confused. The question is if they’re reasonably confused.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have the kids for Thanksgiving, your soon to be ex is getting them for Xmas, right?

Have you read the thread, dear? Please do so.

Yes, I read that OP is making herself and her parents a priority this Thanksgiving.

NP, you must have missed something in your reading. DH will get kids for Xmas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have the kids for Thanksgiving, your soon to be ex is getting them for Xmas, right?

Have you read the thread, dear? Please do so.

Yes, I read that OP is making herself and her parents a priority this Thanksgiving.

as opposed to who else should be a priority? Former ILs? No. Good job to OP for taking care of herself and making herself heard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for the kids

OP: don't feel bad for them. They are actually looking forward to a smaller Thanksgiving. They are adjusting really well to this whole thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are separated, he moved out a few months ago. We are still going to therapy for kid's sake. He told his side of the family. They are under some weird impression that I am hosting Thanksgiving this year. I am not. This year, it will be just the kids and my parents. I am not having a big get together, I got stuck with hosting throughout our marriage and I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. They are all aghast as to "why aren't you hosting? You are not divorced." We are not divorced, but we are getting there. I want to get us to a point where we are at least on good terms but no, we are not reconciling and moving back together. ILs are now calling my parents, guilt tripping them that "they get to spend time with grandkids during the holidays and they are not". This is so unfair.

I need to nip it in the bud once and for all but how? Without cussing them out?

In all seriousness, did you make this decision yourself or jointly with your soon to be ex? I can see why the other grandparents could be feeling hurt.

+1. So the kids live with you and you are cooking for them and inviting your parents, but not inviting ILs or DH. I totally understand why you don't want to host a big dinner, but you need to start thinking about custody and time. What is the plan with your ex? If part of the issue is that you don't want to have to micromanage your ex's and IL's time with the kids, I totally get that, but you need to be direct with your STBXH and direct at least once with your ILs. "Sylvia, it is Larlo's responsibility to make sure you get time with the grandkids. I have them on Thanksgiving Day. He has yet to let me know if he is seeing them another day that weekend. You need to talk to him about plans."

PP again. And, to be fair, there is nothing in your post indicating that they "want their party." Last they heard you were separated, and now they are hearing that you are having Thanksgiving and not inviting them. Maybe they are lazy and just want someone else to cook, but it sounds just as likely they are concerned and confused about not seeing the kids.

What exactly are they confused about? They can see kids any time. But I am no longer together with their son, we don't live under the same roof, we are not doing holidays together. Why is it so hard to understand?

DP. Based on your posts here, it does seem that a reasonable person could misunderstand the state of play. You’re separated and in therapy—those facts alone suggest you’re working on the relationship. But then you’ve said here that you’re not at all trying to move toward reconciliation. Well, if neither you nor STBX have told them that, they very reasonably could be getting that message for the first time in the form of a canceled holiday. So yes, that does invite confusion. That doesn’t make their harassment of your parents justified! But yes, I understand why they’ve been thrown for a loop.

We are in therapy to establish healthy co-parenting skills. Not to get back together. That ship has sailed.

And you told them that?

Does your husband know that?

Another good question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have the kids for Thanksgiving, your soon to be ex is getting them for Xmas, right?

Have you read the thread, dear? Please do so.

Yes, I read that OP is making herself and her parents a priority this Thanksgiving.

Then you should also have read that her ex gets the kids at Christmas. Or do you have selective blindness in order to paint OP as a shrew?

[Anonymous]

You already are hosting your parents. That's really crummy given they are still your kids grandparents. Why not let the kids go with Dad to visit them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have the kids for Thanksgiving, your soon to be ex is getting them for Xmas, right?

Have you read the thread, dear? Please do so.

Yes, I read that OP is making herself and her parents a priority this Thanksgiving.

Then you should also have read that her ex gets the kids at Christmas. Or do you have selective blindness in order to paint OP as a shrew?

Dear, she announced HER plans for Thanksgiving. I wouldn't call her a shrew, but she does sound a bit controlling,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You already are hosting your parents. That's really crummy given they are still your kids grandparents. Why not let the kids go with Dad to visit them?

WHY? And pretend like we are one big family? I don't owe them a thing. They need to grow up. Why should my parents not see their grandkids this Thanksgiving? To spare ILs "hurt feelings"? My parents live 5 hours away. His parents live in DC. They need to get over this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have the kids for Thanksgiving, your soon to be ex is getting them for Xmas, right?

Have you read the thread, dear? Please do so.

Yes, I read that OP is making herself and her parents a priority this Thanksgiving.

Then you should also have read that her ex gets the kids at Christmas. Or do you have selective blindness in order to paint OP as a shrew?

There is no reason why they cannot come to Thanksgiving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for the kids

OP: don't feel bad for them. They are actually looking forward to a smaller Thanksgiving. They are adjusting really well to this whole thing.

Yes ma'am.

[Anonymous]

OP here: How many of you spend holidays with your former ILs? And ex husbands? To "spare any hurt feelings"?