Almost former ILs still want their "party"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you have to start thinking about what holidays will look like from now on.
You can (and probably should) be firm about excluding them this Thanksgiving, but recognize that in the future - potentially this Christmas - they will do the same in return.
It's worth having a conversation with stb-ex now about how you want to handle holidays in general, and maybe you can implement that for this month and next month.

And we've discussed it. We are in agreement that we will rotate holidays. I get Thanksgiving this year, he gets Christmas this year, I get Easter next year, he gets 4th of July. And then we switch. He needs to communicate this to his family. It is no longer my job to do that.

What about graduations/weddings/etc?

Together or separate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think they're panicking because they're finally having to confront that the divorce is real. And if your STBX has failed to communicate with them about Thanksgiving, I understand that they would be annoyed. They probably didn't ask him because they didn't realize there was any change that they needed to ask about.

Ask yourself what kind of relationship you want with them in the future. If you want to be invited to some Christmas stuff, think how you can behave now to make that more likely.

It's normal for the grandparents to get anxious about a divorce. They're probably going to be seeing less of their grandchildren, forever, especially if their son doesn't do a good job facilitating it. Nobody here is getting the family they wanted-- not you, not the kids, and not the grandparents. The sooner they accept that, the better.

I have told them before that they have access to kids any time. Their cousins can call them, text them, whatever. But yes, the holidays will now be separate. Birthdays or graduations can be together but it is now for the kids to invite them. I don't think I have to go that extra mile. I do want to have my own holidays with MY children. It is not too much to ask. I look forward to not cooking dinner for 25+ people, some of whom have outrageous diets. I look forward to not spending a lot of money on just food. I look forward to actually relaxing this holiday season.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are separated, he moved out a few months ago. We are still going to therapy for kid's sake. He told his side of the family. They are under some weird impression that I am hosting Thanksgiving this year. I am not. This year, it will be just the kids and my parents. I am not having a big get together, I got stuck with hosting throughout our marriage and I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. They are all aghast as to "why aren't you hosting? You are not divorced." We are not divorced, but we are getting there. I want to get us to a point where we are at least on good terms but no, we are not reconciling and moving back together. ILs are now calling my parents, guilt tripping them that "they get to spend time with grandkids during the holidays and they are not". This is so unfair.

I need to nip it in the bud once and for all but how? Without cussing them out?

In all seriousness, did you make this decision yourself or jointly with your soon to be ex? I can see why the other grandparents could be feeling hurt.

+1. So the kids live with you and you are cooking for them and inviting your parents, but not inviting ILs or DH. I totally understand why you don't want to host a big dinner, but you need to start thinking about custody and time. What is the plan with your ex? If part of the issue is that you don't want to have to micromanage your ex's and IL's time with the kids, I totally get that, but you need to be direct with your STBXH and direct at least once with your ILs. "Sylvia, it is Larlo's responsibility to make sure you get time with the grandkids. I have them on Thanksgiving Day. He has yet to let me know if he is seeing them another day that weekend. You need to talk to him about plans."

PP again. And, to be fair, there is nothing in your post indicating that they "want their party." Last they heard you were separated, and now they are hearing that you are having Thanksgiving and not inviting them. Maybe they are lazy and just want someone else to cook, but it sounds just as likely they are concerned and confused about not seeing the kids.

What exactly are they confused about? They can see kids any time. But I am no longer together with their son, we don't live under the same roof, we are not doing holidays together. Why is it so hard to understand?

DP. Based on your posts here, it does seem that a reasonable person could misunderstand the state of play. You’re separated and in therapy—those facts alone suggest you’re working on the relationship. But then you’ve said here that you’re not at all trying to move toward reconciliation. Well, if neither you nor STBX have told them that, they very reasonably could be getting that message for the first time in the form of a canceled holiday. So yes, that does invite confusion. That doesn’t make their harassment of your parents justified! But yes, I understand why they’ve been thrown for a loop.

We are in therapy to establish healthy co-parenting skills. Not to get back together. That ship has sailed.

And you told them that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you have to start thinking about what holidays will look like from now on.
You can (and probably should) be firm about excluding them this Thanksgiving, but recognize that in the future - potentially this Christmas - they will do the same in return.
It's worth having a conversation with stb-ex now about how you want to handle holidays in general, and maybe you can implement that for this month and next month.

And we've discussed it. We are in agreement that we will rotate holidays. I get Thanksgiving this year, he gets Christmas this year, I get Easter next year, he gets 4th of July. And then we switch. He needs to communicate this to his family. It is no longer my job to do that.

FWIW, *I* Would argue it's never been your job, but I also am not stuck in 1950 (I know that is your point in large part and maybe even with your divorce more largely; I am voicing my support)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you have to start thinking about what holidays will look like from now on.
You can (and probably should) be firm about excluding them this Thanksgiving, but recognize that in the future - potentially this Christmas - they will do the same in return.
It's worth having a conversation with stb-ex now about how you want to handle holidays in general, and maybe you can implement that for this month and next month.

And we've discussed it. We are in agreement that we will rotate holidays. I get Thanksgiving this year, he gets Christmas this year, I get Easter next year, he gets 4th of July. And then we switch. He needs to communicate this to his family. It is no longer my job to do that.

If they are calling your parents, and your parents are answering, they need to respond with this message. Stay consistent. They can have Thanksgiving on Friday.

You need to relay this directly to your ex’s parents, even if morally it’s his job. You have no idea what he is telling them, although it sounds like he may be playing down the idea of a divorce to them. Say the bold clearly to them, once. They deserve to know even if it’s not fair to you that you need to be the one to tell them because your husband is unclear or wavering or scared to or what have you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are separated, he moved out a few months ago. We are still going to therapy for kid's sake. He told his side of the family. They are under some weird impression that I am hosting Thanksgiving this year. I am not. This year, it will be just the kids and my parents. I am not having a big get together, I got stuck with hosting throughout our marriage and I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. They are all aghast as to "why aren't you hosting? You are not divorced." We are not divorced, but we are getting there. I want to get us to a point where we are at least on good terms but no, we are not reconciling and moving back together. ILs are now calling my parents, guilt tripping them that "they get to spend time with grandkids during the holidays and they are not". This is so unfair.

I need to nip it in the bud once and for all but how? Without cussing them out?

In all seriousness, did you make this decision yourself or jointly with your soon to be ex? I can see why the other grandparents could be feeling hurt.

+1. So the kids live with you and you are cooking for them and inviting your parents, but not inviting ILs or DH. I totally understand why you don't want to host a big dinner, but you need to start thinking about custody and time. What is the plan with your ex? If part of the issue is that you don't want to have to micromanage your ex's and IL's time with the kids, I totally get that, but you need to be direct with your STBXH and direct at least once with your ILs. "Sylvia, it is Larlo's responsibility to make sure you get time with the grandkids. I have them on Thanksgiving Day. He has yet to let me know if he is seeing them another day that weekend. You need to talk to him about plans."

PP again. And, to be fair, there is nothing in your post indicating that they "want their party." Last they heard you were separated, and now they are hearing that you are having Thanksgiving and not inviting them. Maybe they are lazy and just want someone else to cook, but it sounds just as likely they are concerned and confused about not seeing the kids.

+1 it doesn’t sound like they have been kept apprised or the true inevitability of divorce.

They sound anxious and confused. Wanting to spend a holiday with their grandchildren hardly makes them evil villains.

The grandparents desire to see their grandchildren on the 4th Thursday of November does NOT trump the mother's desire to NOT spend the holiday with her soon-to-be-ex family and all the issues that brings.

No one said they are evil, but they need to calm down. It's one day. Divorce means sharing, not calling the other grandparents to give them a guilt trip.

Amen. Especially when the separation is fresh and divorce is impending, especially when the reason in part it sounds like for the divorce is related to rthe issues spending time with that family brings. If there are legit reasons for divorce and the OP has them (even if she doesn't), we can assume even more that the mother
s desire to not spend the holiday with those people is ESPECIALLY strong

[Anonymous]

If you have the kids for Thanksgiving, your soon to be ex is getting them for Xmas, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think they're panicking because they're finally having to confront that the divorce is real. And if your STBX has failed to communicate with them about Thanksgiving, I understand that they would be annoyed. They probably didn't ask him because they didn't realize there was any change that they needed to ask about.

Ask yourself what kind of relationship you want with them in the future. If you want to be invited to some Christmas stuff, think how you can behave now to make that more likely.

It's normal for the grandparents to get anxious about a divorce. They're probably going to be seeing less of their grandchildren, forever, especially if their son doesn't do a good job facilitating it. Nobody here is getting the family they wanted-- not you, not the kids, and not the grandparents. The sooner they accept that, the better.

I have told them before that they have access to kids any time. Their cousins can call them, text them, whatever. But yes, the holidays will now be separate. Birthdays or graduations can be together but it is now for the kids to invite them. I don't think I have to go that extra mile. I do want to have my own holidays with MY children. It is not too much to ask. I look forward to not cooking dinner for 25+ people, some of whom have outrageous diets. I look forward to not spending a lot of money on just food. I look forward to actually relaxing this holiday season.

You have told them they have access to the kids on Thanksgiving day, then. You have to be clear. Don’t say “any time” if you don’t mean it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are separated, he moved out a few months ago. We are still going to therapy for kid's sake. He told his side of the family. They are under some weird impression that I am hosting Thanksgiving this year. I am not. This year, it will be just the kids and my parents. I am not having a big get together, I got stuck with hosting throughout our marriage and I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. They are all aghast as to "why aren't you hosting? You are not divorced." We are not divorced, but we are getting there. I want to get us to a point where we are at least on good terms but no, we are not reconciling and moving back together. ILs are now calling my parents, guilt tripping them that "they get to spend time with grandkids during the holidays and they are not". This is so unfair.

I need to nip it in the bud once and for all but how? Without cussing them out?

In all seriousness, did you make this decision yourself or jointly with your soon to be ex? I can see why the other grandparents could be feeling hurt.

+1. So the kids live with you and you are cooking for them and inviting your parents, but not inviting ILs or DH. I totally understand why you don't want to host a big dinner, but you need to start thinking about custody and time. What is the plan with your ex? If part of the issue is that you don't want to have to micromanage your ex's and IL's time with the kids, I totally get that, but you need to be direct with your STBXH and direct at least once with your ILs. "Sylvia, it is Larlo's responsibility to make sure you get time with the grandkids. I have them on Thanksgiving Day. He has yet to let me know if he is seeing them another day that weekend. You need to talk to him about plans."

PP again. And, to be fair, there is nothing in your post indicating that they "want their party." Last they heard you were separated, and now they are hearing that you are having Thanksgiving and not inviting them. Maybe they are lazy and just want someone else to cook, but it sounds just as likely they are concerned and confused about not seeing the kids.

What exactly are they confused about? They can see kids any time. But I am no longer together with their son, we don't live under the same roof, we are not doing holidays together. Why is it so hard to understand?

DP. Based on your posts here, it does seem that a reasonable person could misunderstand the state of play. You’re separated and in therapy—those facts alone suggest you’re working on the relationship. But then you’ve said here that you’re not at all trying to move toward reconciliation. Well, if neither you nor STBX have told them that, they very reasonably could be getting that message for the first time in the form of a canceled holiday. So yes, that does invite confusion. That doesn’t make their harassment of your parents justified! But yes, I understand why they’ve been thrown for a loop.

We are in therapy to establish healthy co-parenting skills. Not to get back together. That ship has sailed.

Therapy would be a great place to communicate with your DH about his parents' expectations about access to their grandchildren.

And telling your STBX in-laws they can "see the kids anytime" is sending them mixed messages if you don't mean what you say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have the kids for Thanksgiving, your soon to be ex is getting them for Xmas, right?

Have you read the thread, dear? Please do so.

[Anonymous]

Well, if it's a week before Thanksgiving and you normally host 25 people but haven't told them that you're not doing it, then of course people are upset. I would be so annoyed if someone did that to me.

If your STBX was supposed to tell his family and didn't, then he's a fool and you should divorce him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are separated, he moved out a few months ago. We are still going to therapy for kid's sake. He told his side of the family. They are under some weird impression that I am hosting Thanksgiving this year. I am not. This year, it will be just the kids and my parents. I am not having a big get together, I got stuck with hosting throughout our marriage and I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. They are all aghast as to "why aren't you hosting? You are not divorced." We are not divorced, but we are getting there. I want to get us to a point where we are at least on good terms but no, we are not reconciling and moving back together. ILs are now calling my parents, guilt tripping them that "they get to spend time with grandkids during the holidays and they are not". This is so unfair.

I need to nip it in the bud once and for all but how? Without cussing them out?

In all seriousness, did you make this decision yourself or jointly with your soon to be ex? I can see why the other grandparents could be feeling hurt.

+1. So the kids live with you and you are cooking for them and inviting your parents, but not inviting ILs or DH. I totally understand why you don't want to host a big dinner, but you need to start thinking about custody and time. What is the plan with your ex? If part of the issue is that you don't want to have to micromanage your ex's and IL's time with the kids, I totally get that, but you need to be direct with your STBXH and direct at least once with your ILs. "Sylvia, it is Larlo's responsibility to make sure you get time with the grandkids. I have them on Thanksgiving Day. He has yet to let me know if he is seeing them another day that weekend. You need to talk to him about plans."

I love this - it's absolutely fantastic stuff. OP and her husband are separated and on the way to divorce and OP is still responsible for managing everyone's feelings and expectations. Literally not one thought towards what OP might be going through emotionally as her marriage dissolves, just demands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are separated, he moved out a few months ago. We are still going to therapy for kid's sake. He told his side of the family. They are under some weird impression that I am hosting Thanksgiving this year. I am not. This year, it will be just the kids and my parents. I am not having a big get together, I got stuck with hosting throughout our marriage and I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. They are all aghast as to "why aren't you hosting? You are not divorced." We are not divorced, but we are getting there. I want to get us to a point where we are at least on good terms but no, we are not reconciling and moving back together. ILs are now calling my parents, guilt tripping them that "they get to spend time with grandkids during the holidays and they are not". This is so unfair.

I need to nip it in the bud once and for all but how? Without cussing them out?

In all seriousness, did you make this decision yourself or jointly with your soon to be ex? I can see why the other grandparents could be feeling hurt.

+1. So the kids live with you and you are cooking for them and inviting your parents, but not inviting ILs or DH. I totally understand why you don't want to host a big dinner, but you need to start thinking about custody and time. What is the plan with your ex? If part of the issue is that you don't want to have to micromanage your ex's and IL's time with the kids, I totally get that, but you need to be direct with your STBXH and direct at least once with your ILs. "Sylvia, it is Larlo's responsibility to make sure you get time with the grandkids. I have them on Thanksgiving Day. He has yet to let me know if he is seeing them another day that weekend. You need to talk to him about plans."

PP again. And, to be fair, there is nothing in your post indicating that they "want their party." Last they heard you were separated, and now they are hearing that you are having Thanksgiving and not inviting them. Maybe they are lazy and just want someone else to cook, but it sounds just as likely they are concerned and confused about not seeing the kids.

What exactly are they confused about? They can see kids any time. But I am no longer together with their son, we don't live under the same roof, we are not doing holidays together. Why is it so hard to understand?

DP. Based on your posts here, it does seem that a reasonable person could misunderstand the state of play. You’re separated and in therapy—those facts alone suggest you’re working on the relationship. But then you’ve said here that you’re not at all trying to move toward reconciliation. Well, if neither you nor STBX have told them that, they very reasonably could be getting that message for the first time in the form of a canceled holiday. So yes, that does invite confusion. That doesn’t make their harassment of your parents justified! But yes, I understand why they’ve been thrown for a loop.

We are in therapy to establish healthy co-parenting skills. Not to get back together. That ship has sailed.

And you told them that?

Does your husband know that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you have to start thinking about what holidays will look like from now on.
You can (and probably should) be firm about excluding them this Thanksgiving, but recognize that in the future - potentially this Christmas - they will do the same in return.
It's worth having a conversation with stb-ex now about how you want to handle holidays in general, and maybe you can implement that for this month and next month.

And we've discussed it. We are in agreement that we will rotate holidays. I get Thanksgiving this year, he gets Christmas this year, I get Easter next year, he gets 4th of July. And then we switch. He needs to communicate this to his family. It is no longer my job to do that.

What about graduations/weddings/etc?

Together or separate?

Give this woman a break. She is barely divorced (not even). I am impressed they have figured out the arrangements for next year already. Presumably what you mention above are at least sveeral years away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are separated, he moved out a few months ago. We are still going to therapy for kid's sake. He told his side of the family. They are under some weird impression that I am hosting Thanksgiving this year. I am not. This year, it will be just the kids and my parents. I am not having a big get together, I got stuck with hosting throughout our marriage and I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. They are all aghast as to "why aren't you hosting? You are not divorced." We are not divorced, but we are getting there. I want to get us to a point where we are at least on good terms but no, we are not reconciling and moving back together. ILs are now calling my parents, guilt tripping them that "they get to spend time with grandkids during the holidays and they are not". This is so unfair.

I need to nip it in the bud once and for all but how? Without cussing them out?

In all seriousness, did you make this decision yourself or jointly with your soon to be ex? I can see why the other grandparents could be feeling hurt.

+1. So the kids live with you and you are cooking for them and inviting your parents, but not inviting ILs or DH. I totally understand why you don't want to host a big dinner, but you need to start thinking about custody and time. What is the plan with your ex? If part of the issue is that you don't want to have to micromanage your ex's and IL's time with the kids, I totally get that, but you need to be direct with your STBXH and direct at least once with your ILs. "Sylvia, it is Larlo's responsibility to make sure you get time with the grandkids. I have them on Thanksgiving Day. He has yet to let me know if he is seeing them another day that weekend. You need to talk to him about plans."

PP again. And, to be fair, there is nothing in your post indicating that they "want their party." Last they heard you were separated, and now they are hearing that you are having Thanksgiving and not inviting them. Maybe they are lazy and just want someone else to cook, but it sounds just as likely they are concerned and confused about not seeing the kids.

What exactly are they confused about? They can see kids any time. But I am no longer together with their son, we don't live under the same roof, we are not doing holidays together. Why is it so hard to understand?

DP. Based on your posts here, it does seem that a reasonable person could misunderstand the state of play. You’re separated and in therapy—those facts alone suggest you’re working on the relationship. But then you’ve said here that you’re not at all trying to move toward reconciliation. Well, if neither you nor STBX have told them that, they very reasonably could be getting that message for the first time in the form of a canceled holiday. So yes, that does invite confusion. That doesn’t make their harassment of your parents justified! But yes, I understand why they’ve been thrown for a loop.

We are in therapy to establish healthy co-parenting skills. Not to get back together. That ship has sailed.

And you told them that?

Shouldn't that come from her soon to be ex?
Although, sometimes sons are not forthcoming in this way, especially ones that have boundary issues and/or generally won't stand up to their parents.