Almost former ILs still want their "party"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have the kids for Thanksgiving, your soon to be ex is getting them for Xmas, right?

Have you read the thread, dear? Please do so.

Yes, I read that OP is making herself and her parents a priority this Thanksgiving.

Then you should also have read that her ex gets the kids at Christmas. Or do you have selective blindness in order to paint OP as a shrew?

There is no reason why they cannot come to Thanksgiving.

Yes there is a reason. This is my house. We are almost divorced. We are no longer a family. I don't want to act as a host to people I am no longer related to. We have a schedule for holidays, visitations, etc. with DH. He will have them on Christmas. Get over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are separated, he moved out a few months ago. We are still going to therapy for kid's sake. He told his side of the family. They are under some weird impression that I am hosting Thanksgiving this year. I am not. This year, it will be just the kids and my parents. I am not having a big get together, I got stuck with hosting throughout our marriage and I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. They are all aghast as to "why aren't you hosting? You are not divorced." We are not divorced, but we are getting there. I want to get us to a point where we are at least on good terms but no, we are not reconciling and moving back together. ILs are now calling my parents, guilt tripping them that "they get to spend time with grandkids during the holidays and they are not". This is so unfair.

I need to nip it in the bud once and for all but how? Without cussing them out?

In all seriousness, did you make this decision yourself or jointly with your soon to be ex? I can see why the other grandparents could be feeling hurt.

+1. So the kids live with you and you are cooking for them and inviting your parents, but not inviting ILs or DH. I totally understand why you don't want to host a big dinner, but you need to start thinking about custody and time. What is the plan with your ex? If part of the issue is that you don't want to have to micromanage your ex's and IL's time with the kids, I totally get that, but you need to be direct with your STBXH and direct at least once with your ILs. "Sylvia, it is Larlo's responsibility to make sure you get time with the grandkids. I have them on Thanksgiving Day. He has yet to let me know if he is seeing them another day that weekend. You need to talk to him about plans."

I love this - it's absolutely fantastic stuff. OP and her husband are separated and on the way to divorce and OP is still responsible for managing everyone's feelings and expectations. Literally not one thought towards what OP might be going through emotionally as her marriage dissolves, just demands.

We will never get the f out of 1950 with all this sexist bs still being shoved down our throats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are separated, he moved out a few months ago. We are still going to therapy for kid's sake. He told his side of the family. They are under some weird impression that I am hosting Thanksgiving this year. I am not. This year, it will be just the kids and my parents. I am not having a big get together, I got stuck with hosting throughout our marriage and I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. They are all aghast as to "why aren't you hosting? You are not divorced." We are not divorced, but we are getting there. I want to get us to a point where we are at least on good terms but no, we are not reconciling and moving back together. ILs are now calling my parents, guilt tripping them that "they get to spend time with grandkids during the holidays and they are not". This is so unfair.

I need to nip it in the bud once and for all but how? Without cussing them out?

In all seriousness, did you make this decision yourself or jointly with your soon to be ex? I can see why the other grandparents could be feeling hurt.

+1. So the kids live with you and you are cooking for them and inviting your parents, but not inviting ILs or DH. I totally understand why you don't want to host a big dinner, but you need to start thinking about custody and time. What is the plan with your ex? If part of the issue is that you don't want to have to micromanage your ex's and IL's time with the kids, I totally get that, but you need to be direct with your STBXH and direct at least once with your ILs. "Sylvia, it is Larlo's responsibility to make sure you get time with the grandkids. I have them on Thanksgiving Day. He has yet to let me know if he is seeing them another day that weekend. You need to talk to him about plans."

I love this - it's absolutely fantastic stuff. OP and her husband are separated and on the way to divorce and OP is still responsible for managing everyone's feelings and expectations. Literally not one thought towards what OP might be going through emotionally as her marriage dissolves, just demands.

We will never get the f out of 1950 with all this sexist bs still being shoved down our throats.

Thank you! People need to grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: How many of you spend holidays with your former ILs? And ex husbands? To "spare any hurt feelings"?

You might be surprised at how many families make concessions for their children to have family holidays. Not saying you need to do all the work, but my family has several divorced couples who work together to have family holidays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are separated, he moved out a few months ago. We are still going to therapy for kid's sake. He told his side of the family. They are under some weird impression that I am hosting Thanksgiving this year. I am not. This year, it will be just the kids and my parents. I am not having a big get together, I got stuck with hosting throughout our marriage and I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. They are all aghast as to "why aren't you hosting? You are not divorced." We are not divorced, but we are getting there. I want to get us to a point where we are at least on good terms but no, we are not reconciling and moving back together. ILs are now calling my parents, guilt tripping them that "they get to spend time with grandkids during the holidays and they are not". This is so unfair.

I need to nip it in the bud once and for all but how? Without cussing them out?

In all seriousness, did you make this decision yourself or jointly with your soon to be ex? I can see why the other grandparents could be feeling hurt.

+1. So the kids live with you and you are cooking for them and inviting your parents, but not inviting ILs or DH. I totally understand why you don't want to host a big dinner, but you need to start thinking about custody and time. What is the plan with your ex? If part of the issue is that you don't want to have to micromanage your ex's and IL's time with the kids, I totally get that, but you need to be direct with your STBXH and direct at least once with your ILs. "Sylvia, it is Larlo's responsibility to make sure you get time with the grandkids. I have them on Thanksgiving Day. He has yet to let me know if he is seeing them another day that weekend. You need to talk to him about plans."

I love this - it's absolutely fantastic stuff. OP and her husband are separated and on the way to divorce and OP is still responsible for managing everyone's feelings and expectations. Literally not one thought towards what OP might be going through emotionally as her marriage dissolves, just demands.

We will never get the f out of 1950 with all this sexist bs still being shoved down our throats.

Thank you! People need to grow up.

It's not 1950's to think of the children first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: How many of you spend holidays with your former ILs? And ex husbands? To "spare any hurt feelings"?

You might be surprised at how many families make concessions for their children to have family holidays. Not saying you need to do all the work, but my family has several divorced couples who work together to have family holidays.

We are not going to be one of that family. We are no longer a family. Holidays will be separate. I already put a deposit for our Easter trip. People will need to get over that. I will no longer be a buffer and prioritize other people's needs over my own. I did that for 17 years. And yes, my children are fine and are actually looking forward to smaller sized holidays, to trips on the holidays and not be constrained "so-so will be hurt if you don't come to their house". Enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are separated, he moved out a few months ago. We are still going to therapy for kid's sake. He told his side of the family. They are under some weird impression that I am hosting Thanksgiving this year. I am not. This year, it will be just the kids and my parents. I am not having a big get together, I got stuck with hosting throughout our marriage and I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. They are all aghast as to "why aren't you hosting? You are not divorced." We are not divorced, but we are getting there. I want to get us to a point where we are at least on good terms but no, we are not reconciling and moving back together. ILs are now calling my parents, guilt tripping them that "they get to spend time with grandkids during the holidays and they are not". This is so unfair.

I need to nip it in the bud once and for all but how? Without cussing them out?

In all seriousness, did you make this decision yourself or jointly with your soon to be ex? I can see why the other grandparents could be feeling hurt.

+1. So the kids live with you and you are cooking for them and inviting your parents, but not inviting ILs or DH. I totally understand why you don't want to host a big dinner, but you need to start thinking about custody and time. What is the plan with your ex? If part of the issue is that you don't want to have to micromanage your ex's and IL's time with the kids, I totally get that, but you need to be direct with your STBXH and direct at least once with your ILs. "Sylvia, it is Larlo's responsibility to make sure you get time with the grandkids. I have them on Thanksgiving Day. He has yet to let me know if he is seeing them another day that weekend. You need to talk to him about plans."

I love this - it's absolutely fantastic stuff. OP and her husband are separated and on the way to divorce and OP is still responsible for managing everyone's feelings and expectations. Literally not one thought towards what OP might be going through emotionally as her marriage dissolves, just demands.

That's my post. Having a single, clear communication about the plans for Thanksgiving is not asking OP to "manage everyone's feelings and expectations". It's a solution to the "problem" she posed: that her IL's are contacting her and her parents about wanting to spend time with the kids during Thanksgiving. She is welcome to not contact them, but I don't see how that will stop their wondering.

Life is unfair sometimes. Sometimes we want to just think about ourselves and be left alone but instead we have to talk to other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are separated, he moved out a few months ago. We are still going to therapy for kid's sake. He told his side of the family. They are under some weird impression that I am hosting Thanksgiving this year. I am not. This year, it will be just the kids and my parents. I am not having a big get together, I got stuck with hosting throughout our marriage and I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. They are all aghast as to "why aren't you hosting? You are not divorced." We are not divorced, but we are getting there. I want to get us to a point where we are at least on good terms but no, we are not reconciling and moving back together. ILs are now calling my parents, guilt tripping them that "they get to spend time with grandkids during the holidays and they are not". This is so unfair.

I need to nip it in the bud once and for all but how? Without cussing them out?

In all seriousness, did you make this decision yourself or jointly with your soon to be ex? I can see why the other grandparents could be feeling hurt.

+1. So the kids live with you and you are cooking for them and inviting your parents, but not inviting ILs or DH. I totally understand why you don't want to host a big dinner, but you need to start thinking about custody and time. What is the plan with your ex? If part of the issue is that you don't want to have to micromanage your ex's and IL's time with the kids, I totally get that, but you need to be direct with your STBXH and direct at least once with your ILs. "Sylvia, it is Larlo's responsibility to make sure you get time with the grandkids. I have them on Thanksgiving Day. He has yet to let me know if he is seeing them another day that weekend. You need to talk to him about plans."

I love this - it's absolutely fantastic stuff. OP and her husband are separated and on the way to divorce and OP is still responsible for managing everyone's feelings and expectations. Literally not one thought towards what OP might be going through emotionally as her marriage dissolves, just demands.

That's my post. Having a single, clear communication about the plans for Thanksgiving is not asking OP to "manage everyone's feelings and expectations". It's a solution to the "problem" she posed: that her IL's are contacting her and her parents about wanting to spend time with the kids during Thanksgiving. She is welcome to not contact them, but I don't see how that will stop their wondering.

Life is unfair sometimes. Sometimes we want to just think about ourselves and be left alone but instead we have to talk to other people.

Yes, how about her ex-DH starts learning how to talk to other people? That seems like the real solution here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are separated, he moved out a few months ago. We are still going to therapy for kid's sake. He told his side of the family. They are under some weird impression that I am hosting Thanksgiving this year. I am not. This year, it will be just the kids and my parents. I am not having a big get together, I got stuck with hosting throughout our marriage and I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. They are all aghast as to "why aren't you hosting? You are not divorced." We are not divorced, but we are getting there. I want to get us to a point where we are at least on good terms but no, we are not reconciling and moving back together. ILs are now calling my parents, guilt tripping them that "they get to spend time with grandkids during the holidays and they are not". This is so unfair.

I need to nip it in the bud once and for all but how? Without cussing them out?

In all seriousness, did you make this decision yourself or jointly with your soon to be ex? I can see why the other grandparents could be feeling hurt.

+1. So the kids live with you and you are cooking for them and inviting your parents, but not inviting ILs or DH. I totally understand why you don't want to host a big dinner, but you need to start thinking about custody and time. What is the plan with your ex? If part of the issue is that you don't want to have to micromanage your ex's and IL's time with the kids, I totally get that, but you need to be direct with your STBXH and direct at least once with your ILs. "Sylvia, it is Larlo's responsibility to make sure you get time with the grandkids. I have them on Thanksgiving Day. He has yet to let me know if he is seeing them another day that weekend. You need to talk to him about plans."

I love this - it's absolutely fantastic stuff. OP and her husband are separated and on the way to divorce and OP is still responsible for managing everyone's feelings and expectations. Literally not one thought towards what OP might be going through emotionally as her marriage dissolves, just demands.

We will never get the f out of 1950 with all this sexist bs still being shoved down our throats.

Thank you! People need to grow up.

Well, someone needs to grow up...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are separated, he moved out a few months ago. We are still going to therapy for kid's sake. He told his side of the family. They are under some weird impression that I am hosting Thanksgiving this year. I am not. This year, it will be just the kids and my parents. I am not having a big get together, I got stuck with hosting throughout our marriage and I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. They are all aghast as to "why aren't you hosting? You are not divorced." We are not divorced, but we are getting there. I want to get us to a point where we are at least on good terms but no, we are not reconciling and moving back together. ILs are now calling my parents, guilt tripping them that "they get to spend time with grandkids during the holidays and they are not". This is so unfair.

I need to nip it in the bud once and for all but how? Without cussing them out?

In all seriousness, did you make this decision yourself or jointly with your soon to be ex? I can see why the other grandparents could be feeling hurt.

+1. So the kids live with you and you are cooking for them and inviting your parents, but not inviting ILs or DH. I totally understand why you don't want to host a big dinner, but you need to start thinking about custody and time. What is the plan with your ex? If part of the issue is that you don't want to have to micromanage your ex's and IL's time with the kids, I totally get that, but you need to be direct with your STBXH and direct at least once with your ILs. "Sylvia, it is Larlo's responsibility to make sure you get time with the grandkids. I have them on Thanksgiving Day. He has yet to let me know if he is seeing them another day that weekend. You need to talk to him about plans."

I love this - it's absolutely fantastic stuff. OP and her husband are separated and on the way to divorce and OP is still responsible for managing everyone's feelings and expectations. Literally not one thought towards what OP might be going through emotionally as her marriage dissolves, just demands.

That's my post. Having a single, clear communication about the plans for Thanksgiving is not asking OP to "manage everyone's feelings and expectations". It's a solution to the "problem" she posed: that her IL's are contacting her and her parents about wanting to spend time with the kids during Thanksgiving. She is welcome to not contact them, but I don't see how that will stop their wondering.

Life is unfair sometimes. Sometimes we want to just think about ourselves and be left alone but instead we have to talk to other people.

Yes, how about her ex-DH starts learning how to talk to other people? That seems like the real solution here.

That would be great. But if he won't, wishing that he will won't solve the problem OP has.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have the kids for Thanksgiving, your soon to be ex is getting them for Xmas, right?

Have you read the thread, dear? Please do so.

Yes, I read that OP is making herself and her parents a priority this Thanksgiving.

Then you should also have read that her ex gets the kids at Christmas. Or do you have selective blindness in order to paint OP as a shrew?

Dear, she announced HER plans for Thanksgiving. I wouldn't call her a shrew, but she does sound a bit controlling,

No, she announced the Thanksgiving plans that she AND HER EX agreed together. Reading comprehension doesn't seem your strong point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are separated, he moved out a few months ago. We are still going to therapy for kid's sake. He told his side of the family. They are under some weird impression that I am hosting Thanksgiving this year. I am not. This year, it will be just the kids and my parents. I am not having a big get together, I got stuck with hosting throughout our marriage and I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. They are all aghast as to "why aren't you hosting? You are not divorced." We are not divorced, but we are getting there. I want to get us to a point where we are at least on good terms but no, we are not reconciling and moving back together. ILs are now calling my parents, guilt tripping them that "they get to spend time with grandkids during the holidays and they are not". This is so unfair.

I need to nip it in the bud once and for all but how? Without cussing them out?

In all seriousness, did you make this decision yourself or jointly with your soon to be ex? I can see why the other grandparents could be feeling hurt.

+1. So the kids live with you and you are cooking for them and inviting your parents, but not inviting ILs or DH. I totally understand why you don't want to host a big dinner, but you need to start thinking about custody and time. What is the plan with your ex? If part of the issue is that you don't want to have to micromanage your ex's and IL's time with the kids, I totally get that, but you need to be direct with your STBXH and direct at least once with your ILs. "Sylvia, it is Larlo's responsibility to make sure you get time with the grandkids. I have them on Thanksgiving Day. He has yet to let me know if he is seeing them another day that weekend. You need to talk to him about plans."

I love this - it's absolutely fantastic stuff. OP and her husband are separated and on the way to divorce and OP is still responsible for managing everyone's feelings and expectations. Literally not one thought towards what OP might be going through emotionally as her marriage dissolves, just demands.

That's my post. Having a single, clear communication about the plans for Thanksgiving is not asking OP to "manage everyone's feelings and expectations". It's a solution to the "problem" she posed: that her IL's are contacting her and her parents about wanting to spend time with the kids during Thanksgiving. She is welcome to not contact them, but I don't see how that will stop their wondering.

Life is unfair sometimes. Sometimes we want to just think about ourselves and be left alone but instead we have to talk to other people.

Yes, how about her ex-DH starts learning how to talk to other people? That seems like the real solution here.

That would be great. But if he won't, wishing that he will won't solve the problem OP has.

+1 too much DCUM advice boils down to “force another adult to do what you want.” Can’t be done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have the kids for Thanksgiving, your soon to be ex is getting them for Xmas, right?

Have you read the thread, dear? Please do so.

Yes, I read that OP is making herself and her parents a priority this Thanksgiving.

Then you should also have read that her ex gets the kids at Christmas. Or do you have selective blindness in order to paint OP as a shrew?

There is no reason why they cannot come to Thanksgiving.

They cannot come because she does not wish to host them. That is the only reason needed. If they want to spend time with her and the grandchildren, they could offer to host, and then OP could accept or not. But they don't actually want to do any work, they just want to steam and pout that they don't get a nice meal served to them while they lift nary a finger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have the kids for Thanksgiving, your soon to be ex is getting them for Xmas, right?

Have you read the thread, dear? Please do so.

Yes, I read that OP is making herself and her parents a priority this Thanksgiving.

Then you should also have read that her ex gets the kids at Christmas. Or do you have selective blindness in order to paint OP as a shrew?

Dear, she announced HER plans for Thanksgiving. I wouldn't call her a shrew, but she does sound a bit controlling,

No, she announced the Thanksgiving plans that she AND HER EX agreed together. Reading comprehension doesn't seem your strong point.

That was NOT what her original post stated. I think her husband needs to take a firmer stance with his controlling soon to be ex wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have the kids for Thanksgiving, your soon to be ex is getting them for Xmas, right?

Have you read the thread, dear? Please do so.

Yes, I read that OP is making herself and her parents a priority this Thanksgiving.

Then you should also have read that her ex gets the kids at Christmas. Or do you have selective blindness in order to paint OP as a shrew?

There is no reason why they cannot come to Thanksgiving.

They cannot come because she does not wish to host them. That is the only reason needed. If they want to spend time with her and the grandchildren, they could offer to host, and then OP could accept or not. But they don't actually want to do any work, they just want to steam and pout that they don't get a nice meal served to them while they lift nary a finger.

Is this OP? Because this info doesn't seem to be in anything she posted.

And to be clear, I support OP not having her ILs. I just think it's counterproductive to not communicate with them about it.