Tired of people implying I should have gotten an abortion

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks to everyone who has been supportive. As for everyone else...well, you helped prove my point about the world being full of judgmental people.

Since it seems to be relevant, I will share that my child has Down syndrome. While this was a scary diagnosis for us initially, we made our decision after doing a lot of research and speaking to a genetics counselor. What we found out made us realize we had a lot of negative stereotypes about people with Down syndrome that were very outdated. Many people with Down syndrome lead very happy lives, and few families regret having a child with the condition. We didn't know what our child's abilities would be, but we knew the range, and the median abilities were not as bad as we had expected. We didn't know what health issues they would have, but the ultrasounds were encouraging. We considered our resources and family support. When we weighed all the pros and cons, we decided to have this kid. Yes, it was a gamble, but we were willing to take that risk. However, if the diagnosis had been different, we might have made a different choice.

And so far, my child's life has been good. My kid experiences a range of emotions like any other person, but on the whole I would say they are pretty happy. They have some medical issues, but they are manageable and do not cause them to suffer. They are delayed, but they can learn new skills with enough practice and patience. They live in a happy home full of love. They have toys, clothes, and healthy food, and we make an effort to give them new experiences and opportunities. Everyone in the family adores them. Down syndrome makes their life harder, but it does not make their life not worth living.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I spent years advocating for people with disabilities but I also spent years in the criminal justice system and I think knowing how awful this world can be I would not personally want to bring a disabled child into it, because eventually I would not be there to protect them. Other people see the world differently and are more hopeful about human nature. I’m sorry that some people have made you feel bad about having your child but consider that they may not be coming from a place of judging your child as underserving of being here, but rather as terribly vulnerable. It’s certainly a more pessimistic outlook but it isn’t intended as cruelty to you they more likely feel sympathy for the anxiety you will no doubt carry all your life and more as you age and know your child will be at the mercy of strangers for years after you are gone.

What on earth? So we're cool with eugenics when we're killing off people who are vulnerable? Have you given any thought to the huge numbers of nondisabled people who are "vulnerable"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks to everyone who has been supportive. As for everyone else...well, you helped prove my point about the world being full of judgmental people.

Since it seems to be relevant, I will share that my child has Down syndrome. While this was a scary diagnosis for us initially, we made our decision after doing a lot of research and speaking to a genetics counselor. What we found out made us realize we had a lot of negative stereotypes about people with Down syndrome that were very outdated. Many people with Down syndrome lead very happy lives, and few families regret having a child with the condition. We didn't know what our child's abilities would be, but we knew the range, and the median abilities were not as bad as we had expected. We didn't know what health issues they would have, but the ultrasounds were encouraging. We considered our resources and family support. When we weighed all the pros and cons, we decided to have this kid. Yes, it was a gamble, but we were willing to take that risk. However, if the diagnosis had been different, we might have made a different choice.

And so far, my child's life has been good. My kid experiences a range of emotions like any other person, but on the whole I would say they are pretty happy. They have some medical issues, but they are manageable and do not cause them to suffer. They are delayed, but they can learn new skills with enough practice and patience. They live in a happy home full of love. They have toys, clothes, and healthy food, and we make an effort to give them new experiences and opportunities. Everyone in the family adores them. Down syndrome makes their life harder, but it does not make their life not worth living.

This thread....wow. I'm sorry OP. I cannot believe the things people have said to you here. I was a little dubious when I saw your title that this kind of thing could be as regular occurrence (but, you know, once is horrible enough), and then I read the stuff here. Some of it from people who think that they are being sensitive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks to everyone who has been supportive. As for everyone else...well, you helped prove my point about the world being full of judgmental people.

Since it seems to be relevant, I will share that my child has Down syndrome. While this was a scary diagnosis for us initially, we made our decision after doing a lot of research and speaking to a genetics counselor. What we found out made us realize we had a lot of negative stereotypes about people with Down syndrome that were very outdated. Many people with Down syndrome lead very happy lives, and few families regret having a child with the condition. We didn't know what our child's abilities would be, but we knew the range, and the median abilities were not as bad as we had expected. We didn't know what health issues they would have, but the ultrasounds were encouraging. We considered our resources and family support. When we weighed all the pros and cons, we decided to have this kid. Yes, it was a gamble, but we were willing to take that risk. However, if the diagnosis had been different, we might have made a different choice.

And so far, my child's life has been good. My kid experiences a range of emotions like any other person, but on the whole I would say they are pretty happy. They have some medical issues, but they are manageable and do not cause them to suffer. They are delayed, but they can learn new skills with enough practice and patience. They live in a happy home full of love. They have toys, clothes, and healthy food, and we make an effort to give them new experiences and opportunities. Everyone in the family adores them. Down syndrome makes their life harder, but it does not make their life not worth living.

This thread....wow. I'm sorry OP. I cannot believe the things people have said to you here. I was a little dubious when I saw your title that this kind of thing could be as regular occurrence (but, you know, once is horrible enough), and then I read the stuff here. Some of it from people who think that they are being sensitive.

Yes, that's the kicker.

[Anonymous]

Not everyone thinks the same way OP. It's rude for others to comment. We all make choices people comment on, and move on with life.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry, OP. This thread is disgusting. DCUM can be a vile, vile place full of truly miserable women. I would never for a second question why you decided to have your baby. One of my employees has Down’s syndrome. She is a delightful, happy young woman. She is able to do her job well thanks to the therapy and training she received. My world would be a little less joyful without her in it.

To the poster who suggested “99% of people” think this way - No. They don’t. You are sick. And completely irredeemable.

[Anonymous]

I used to think this way too. Then I realized how ableist I was. Sadly, it’s still an acceptable prejudice.

We are all temporarily abled, unless we die extremely suddenly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I spent years advocating for people with disabilities but I also spent years in the criminal justice system and I think knowing how awful this world can be I would not personally want to bring a disabled child into it, because eventually I would not be there to protect them. Other people see the world differently and are more hopeful about human nature. I’m sorry that some people have made you feel bad about having your child but consider that they may not be coming from a place of judging your child as underserving of being here, but rather as terribly vulnerable. It’s certainly a more pessimistic outlook but it isn’t intended as cruelty to you they more likely feel sympathy for the anxiety you will no doubt carry all your life and more as you age and know your child will be at the mercy of strangers for years after you are gone.

What on earth? So we're cool with eugenics when we're killing off people who are vulnerable? Have you given any thought to the huge numbers of nondisabled people who are "vulnerable"?

NP.

It's not eugenics to be a realist. Everyone should have their own choices and it's incredibly rude to remark on the choices of others (any which way), but pp is not wrong. Whatever one decides, having an honest approach to the lifelong challenges and realities persons with severe disabilities face, is needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the pp and that has not been my experience. I'm from a poor area in the south, and it's true there are more disabled poor children, but how many poor children have you seen with Downs, for example? I know none lately. But some my age who were born before abortion was legal.

I see a lot of poor kids with Downs. No one is offering poor women “therapeutic abortions” of kids with DS. In part because that kind of prenatal testing often isn’t covered under the very basic prenatal care poor women can access.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, those are hurtful comments. You are a wonderful, compassionate person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I spent years advocating for people with disabilities but I also spent years in the criminal justice system and I think knowing how awful this world can be I would not personally want to bring a disabled child into it, because eventually I would not be there to protect them. Other people see the world differently and are more hopeful about human nature. I’m sorry that some people have made you feel bad about having your child but consider that they may not be coming from a place of judging your child as underserving of being here, but rather as terribly vulnerable. It’s certainly a more pessimistic outlook but it isn’t intended as cruelty to you they more likely feel sympathy for the anxiety you will no doubt carry all your life and more as you age and know your child will be at the mercy of strangers for years after you are gone.

I have an uncle with downs who had a fairly good life (my grandfather was wealthy and left enough money for him to be put him in a group living situation until he died in his 50s). I have a sister who died in her 30s from a chronic autoimmune disease - she progressively deteriorated over the last 15 years of her life and was immobile and nonverbal for the last year of her life. Another aunt lost 3 of her 5 kids to a genetic condition. I am not uneducated or mean, but seeing these all play out makes it hard for me to understand why one would knowingly bring a child into the world with the potential for significant disabilities.

FWIW, I have a child with a disability (unknown genetic syndrome) and while things are ok now, it’s stressful not knowing what the future might bring. We are high income and it allows us the ability to pay for lots of therapies to allow my child to be mainstreamed at school. We didn’t know how it was going to go te first year. I hope my child does genetic testing of their embryos if they are able to/choose to have children. This wold be very stressful it we didn’t have resources.

No one is asking you to "understand." The OP is simply asking people not to make rude, judgemental, and unsolicited comments about her child's condition. It really isn't that hard!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks to everyone who has been supportive. As for everyone else...well, you helped prove my point about the world being full of judgmental people.

Since it seems to be relevant, I will share that my child has Down syndrome. While this was a scary diagnosis for us initially, we made our decision after doing a lot of research and speaking to a genetics counselor. What we found out made us realize we had a lot of negative stereotypes about people with Down syndrome that were very outdated. Many people with Down syndrome lead very happy lives, and few families regret having a child with the condition. We didn't know what our child's abilities would be, but we knew the range, and the median abilities were not as bad as we had expected. We didn't know what health issues they would have, but the ultrasounds were encouraging. We considered our resources and family support. When we weighed all the pros and cons, we decided to have this kid. Yes, it was a gamble, but we were willing to take that risk. However, if the diagnosis had been different, we might have made a different choice.

And so far, my child's life has been good. My kid experiences a range of emotions like any other person, but on the whole I would say they are pretty happy. They have some medical issues, but they are manageable and do not cause them to suffer. They are delayed, but they can learn new skills with enough practice and patience. They live in a happy home full of love. They have toys, clothes, and healthy food, and we make an effort to give them new experiences and opportunities. Everyone in the family adores them. Down syndrome makes their life harder, but it does not make their life not worth living.

I’m sorry, PP. There are posters in this thread that are horrifying in their ableism.

For what it’s worth, in my second pregnancy there was a period where it looked like my child would likely be born with a significant disability. We also made the same choice you did. In the end, my child was not born disabled. But I have never forgotten some of the comments we got during that time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry, OP. The ableism of many otherwise-progressive people is a massive blind spot.

This is also very ableist thing to say. Goodness.

"Blind spot" is not abelist. It is an anatomical term describing the spot in the retina where the optic nerve connects. As there are no light sensitive cells in that area, that part of your retina cannot see. It is not usually noticed by people when both of their eyes are functioning normally because, because one eye covers the blind spot of the other eye.

https://www.aao.org/museum-eye-openers/blind-spot

`DW and mother of people who have visual disabilities.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think it’s guilt talking.

Most of us would have made the choice to terminate. And while we know our logic would be sound and we are still good people, we also know our choice would not be the kindest, most maternal choice. Your decision makes us question our ethics and the conditionality of our love, and that causes some to lash out with inexcusable rudeness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should consistently just ask, “What do you mean by that?”

Keep asking them to clarify until they apologize or end it yourself by saying “So you just wish my child were dead?”

+1 I would LOVE to know if the people who are saying this are pro-choice or forced birthers. That would help be tailor my responses.

I'm really sorry you are experiencing such rudeness, OP. I can't understand why some people feel the need to say such things. Hugs.