Tired of people implying I should have gotten an abortion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should consistently just ask, “What do you mean by that?”

Keep asking them to clarify until they apologize or end it yourself by saying “So you just wish my child were dead?”

+1 I would LOVE to know if the people who are saying this are pro-choice or forced birthers. That would help be tailor my responses.

I'm really sorry you are experiencing such rudeness, OP. I can't understand why some people feel the need to say such things. Hugs.

I’m not OP but I am the PP who had a pregnancy where there was a good chance of disability coming out of it, and I would say that the worst comments I got were from pro-choice progressives. I am a liberal-leaning moderate and an atheist for context.

[Anonymous]

Op, you could say, "we made an informed decision." If they ask. I doubt they ask.

[Anonymous]

I’m the poster talking about guilt above. Part of the guilt (for me) came from watching this news segment about Iceland. It just made me so sad, even though there’s a good chance I would have made the same choice. https://www.cbsnews.com/amp/news/down-syndrome-iceland/#app

I remember that my husband and I discussed that if we faced this choice and chose not to terminate, we would move somewhere religious and rural, since our choice and child would be more accepted and even lauded. Even though we are atheist urbanites!

OP do you live in a community like that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We got DC's diagnosis prenatally. While their condition has brought extra challenges, DC has a good life and has brought a lot of joy to our family. My problem is judgement from other people. Multiple times, people have said things to me like, "Didn't you get the tests?" or "You know, they can test for that now." The assumption is that I was either negligent or uninformed, otherwise I would have terminated the pregnancy. Or I guess some people assume I'm very religious. It does not seem to have occurred to anyone that we carefully weighed the latest information and made an informed decision to have this child, not because of abortion restrictions or fear of eternal damnation, but because we already loved them and knew we could give them a good life. The charitable part of me thinks people are just uneducated and relying on old stereotypes. The angry mama bear part of me is tempted to ask them, "So you think my child shouldn't be alive?" It's very tiresome. Can anyone else relate?

Yes, I can.

I can only advise to find more compassionate, open-minded friends.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry people have been so rude OP. It’s either rudeness or ignorance or both. Children with Downs absolutely can live happy lives and bring their families joy. No one should say these things to you and don’t let them steal your joy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I spent years advocating for people with disabilities but I also spent years in the criminal justice system and I think knowing how awful this world can be I would not personally want to bring a disabled child into it, because eventually I would not be there to protect them. Other people see the world differently and are more hopeful about human nature. I’m sorry that some people have made you feel bad about having your child but consider that they may not be coming from a place of judging your child as underserving of being here, but rather as terribly vulnerable. It’s certainly a more pessimistic outlook but it isn’t intended as cruelty to you they more likely feel sympathy for the anxiety you will no doubt carry all your life and more as you age and know your child will be at the mercy of strangers for years after you are gone.

What on earth? So we're cool with eugenics when we're killing off people who are vulnerable? Have you given any thought to the huge numbers of nondisabled people who are "vulnerable"?

NP.

It's not eugenics to be a realist. Everyone should have their own choices and it's incredibly rude to remark on the choices of others (any which way), but pp is not wrong. Whatever one decides, having an honest approach to the lifelong challenges and realities persons with severe disabilities face, is needed.

Disagree. What is eugenics if not rigid realism that only sees the child’s vulnerability and the potential burden on society. “It is better for the world, if instead of waiting to execute degenerate offspring for crime, or let them starve for their imbecility, society can prevent those who are manifestly unfit from continuing”- justice Holmes. The PP’s initial post that she would rather terminate than give birth to a vulnerable child who will be at the “mercy of strangers” expresses no different train of thought than Holmes’. Either way the solution is to rid society of … the potential for a certain type. You can’t pretend it’s altruism. That’s just moral cowardice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I spent years advocating for people with disabilities but I also spent years in the criminal justice system and I think knowing how awful this world can be I would not personally want to bring a disabled child into it, because eventually I would not be there to protect them. Other people see the world differently and are more hopeful about human nature. I’m sorry that some people have made you feel bad about having your child but consider that they may not be coming from a place of judging your child as underserving of being here, but rather as terribly vulnerable. It’s certainly a more pessimistic outlook but it isn’t intended as cruelty to you they more likely feel sympathy for the anxiety you will no doubt carry all your life and more as you age and know your child will be at the mercy of strangers for years after you are gone.

What on earth? So we're cool with eugenics when we're killing off people who are vulnerable? Have you given any thought to the huge numbers of nondisabled people who are "vulnerable"?

NP.

It's not eugenics to be a realist. Everyone should have their own choices and it's incredibly rude to remark on the choices of others (any which way), but pp is not wrong. Whatever one decides, having an honest approach to the lifelong challenges and realities persons with severe disabilities face, is needed.

Disagree. What is eugenics if not rigid realism that only sees the child’s vulnerability and the potential burden on society. “It is better for the world, if instead of waiting to execute degenerate offspring for crime, or let them starve for their imbecility, society can prevent those who are manifestly unfit from continuing”- justice Holmes. The PP’s initial post that she would rather terminate than give birth to a vulnerable child who will be at the “mercy of strangers” expresses no different train of thought than Holmes’. Either way the solution is to rid society of … the potential for a certain type. You can’t pretend it’s altruism. That’s just moral cowardice.

^ to clarify, saying, “these types of people” should be eliminated because they are inferior and saying “these types should be eliminated because they are vulnerable” conveniently has the same solution. Either way, if you see the child as “deficient” or “vulnerable” you see the solution as being elimination from society. Just playing the same tune on a different key.

[Anonymous]

Sorry someone said it to you OP. It's rude and none of their business. However, if you're getting these comments from multiple people you might want to reconsider your social circle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the poster talking about guilt above. Part of the guilt (for me) came from watching this news segment about Iceland. It just made me so sad, even though there’s a good chance I would have made the same choice. https://www.cbsnews.com/amp/news/down-syndrome-iceland/#app

I remember that my husband and I discussed that if we faced this choice and chose not to terminate, we would move somewhere religious and rural, since our choice and child would be more accepted and even lauded. Even though we are atheist urbanites!

OP do you live in a community like that?

That’s fascinating, but I understand that thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks to everyone who has been supportive. As for everyone else...well, you helped prove my point about the world being full of judgmental people.

Since it seems to be relevant, I will share that my child has Down syndrome. While this was a scary diagnosis for us initially, we made our decision after doing a lot of research and speaking to a genetics counselor. What we found out made us realize we had a lot of negative stereotypes about people with Down syndrome that were very outdated. Many people with Down syndrome lead very happy lives, and few families regret having a child with the condition. We didn't know what our child's abilities would be, but we knew the range, and the median abilities were not as bad as we had expected. We didn't know what health issues they would have, but the ultrasounds were encouraging. We considered our resources and family support. When we weighed all the pros and cons, we decided to have this kid. Yes, it was a gamble, but we were willing to take that risk. However, if the diagnosis had been different, we might have made a different choice.

And so far, my child's life has been good. My kid experiences a range of emotions like any other person, but on the whole I would say they are pretty happy. They have some medical issues, but they are manageable and do not cause them to suffer. They are delayed, but they can learn new skills with enough practice and patience. They live in a happy home full of love. They have toys, clothes, and healthy food, and we make an effort to give them new experiences and opportunities. Everyone in the family adores them. Down syndrome makes their life harder, but it does not make their life not worth living.

OP - you sound like a wonderful mom. I’m sorry you came here for support and were met with this mess. How truly awful. This board usually is kinder than the rest of DCUM but these responses are hideous.

I hope you (and your child) have better support on real life.we are all trying to deal with our kids challenges, big and small, regardless of when we found out about them. You deserve the same support as any of us who got our kids diagnosis later on. Hugs to your family.

[Anonymous]

OP, that is unfathomable. I am so sorry. Those people are a$#holes.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks, guys. Don't worry about us; we have a good support network. I remain confident that we made the right decision for our family. The negative comments have convinced me to advocate more for people with disabilities.

[Anonymous]

OP, I just want to say that your posts were all beautiful, so thoughtful and also very gracious to the people who were nasty. Your child has a great mom and advocate!
Lately I keep thinking of that old poster from every dentist office in the 80s—don’t let the turkeys get you down. It’s super trite, but I’m finding that there’s a lot of turkeys out there, and the only way to get through life is just to be determined not to be affected by them.

[Anonymous]

OP, most people would not have made the choice that you made. Most cannot understand that someone would have willingly made that choice and what they are doing is sharing information with you. What you have to do as a parent is your responsiblity, No one elses. You don't have to waste energy on people. You already have a full plate.

[Anonymous]

All i can say is that some people don’t understand that some thoughts should stay inside thoughts. I’m sorry that their lack of discipline hurts you.