Tired of people implying I should have gotten an abortion

[Anonymous]

So this is a lot of people? Not like 1 or 2 insensitive ignorant busy bodies? That surprises me, totally uncalled for, I’m sorry OP. Curios where you live?

[Anonymous]

Most people are not as kind as you, OP. What you did/are doing could not be done by most people - they make these comments to you to justify their position to themselves. Just ignore them but I know it's hard.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP. Maybe it's a blessing because people are showing you their teeth so you know who is more thoughtful and kind, and who isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry, OP. The ableism of many otherwise-progressive people is a massive blind spot.

This is also very ableist thing to say. Goodness.

[Anonymous]

My eyes would instantly convey my irritation with their rude comments. My reply would be "Does our CHOICE (his existence) make you uncomfortable?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They shouldn’t be saying it to your face, but 99% of those you meet think that.

What a coincidence. That's what people think when they meet you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry you have to deal with that. People can be so thoughtless and hurtful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually had a doctor on my third pregnancy decide on his own not to do genetic testing. So i was waiting on testing that had happened on earlier pregnancies and all the deadlines passed when i asked him. In other words, he was a pro-life crazy going against medical standards. And by our state laws i could not have sued him.

Kid was totally normal but its pretty wild in pro-life states.

Huh? Are you sure this was what happened? Also, very weird to say in a situation where this is someone's actual life, not just your political beliefs. Why on earth would you have sued him when your child has no issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They shouldn’t be saying it to your face, but 99% of those you meet think that.

Not true at all. The thought would never even cross my mind to begin with, but I'm Christian/Republican (but pro-choice). So maybe I think differently

[Anonymous]

Someone on this board recently recommended Andrew Solomon’s “Far from the Tree” documentary, but I also got the book. It explores how parents come to terms with various diagnoses, deficiencies and differences in their children. It is great, and I recommend the book not to come to terms with your child’s diagnosis, but because it illuminates how society is prone to view the parent-child relationship, and why people would make such distorted comments to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I spent years advocating for people with disabilities but I also spent years in the criminal justice system and I think knowing how awful this world can be I would not personally want to bring a disabled child into it, because eventually I would not be there to protect them. Other people see the world differently and are more hopeful about human nature. I’m sorry that some people have made you feel bad about having your child but consider that they may not be coming from a place of judging your child as underserving of being here, but rather as terribly vulnerable. It’s certainly a more pessimistic outlook but it isn’t intended as cruelty to you they more likely feel sympathy for the anxiety you will no doubt carry all your life and more as you age and know your child will be at the mercy of strangers for years after you are gone.

So what, think what you want, but you have no business having a discussion like this about a child who already exists. That is incredibly rude and it turns *you* into a person from whom OP needs to protect their child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I spent years advocating for people with disabilities but I also spent years in the criminal justice system and I think knowing how awful this world can be I would not personally want to bring a disabled child into it, because eventually I would not be there to protect them. Other people see the world differently and are more hopeful about human nature. I’m sorry that some people have made you feel bad about having your child but consider that they may not be coming from a place of judging your child as underserving of being here, but rather as terribly vulnerable. It’s certainly a more pessimistic outlook but it isn’t intended as cruelty to you they more likely feel sympathy for the anxiety you will no doubt carry all your life and more as you age and know your child will be at the mercy of strangers for years after you are gone.

So what, think what you want, but you have no business having a discussion like this about a child who already exists. That is incredibly rude and it turns *you* into a person from whom OP needs to protect their child.

Also, I don’t think OP is complaining that people are making her feel bad about having her child, she is irritated that strangers are judging her and putting her in a position where she feels she has to explain her reasons (she doesn’t) or risk people believing things that are untrue (lack of information, anti-choice, etc).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I spent years advocating for people with disabilities but I also spent years in the criminal justice system and I think knowing how awful this world can be I would not personally want to bring a disabled child into it, because eventually I would not be there to protect them. Other people see the world differently and are more hopeful about human nature. I’m sorry that some people have made you feel bad about having your child but consider that they may not be coming from a place of judging your child as underserving of being here, but rather as terribly vulnerable. It’s certainly a more pessimistic outlook but it isn’t intended as cruelty to you they more likely feel sympathy for the anxiety you will no doubt carry all your life and more as you age and know your child will be at the mercy of strangers for years after you are gone.

So what, think what you want, but you have no business having a discussion like this about a child who already exists. That is incredibly rude and it turns *you* into a person from whom OP needs to protect their child.

I’m the author of that post and I have never had any such conversation with any of the people I know who have children with special needs - whether detectable during pregnancy or not.

My point was to offer OP another reason that people might be uncomfortable with her choice. That they don’t think her child is defective and unworthy of life, but that her child’s vulnerability in the world raises fears in them and they are expressing those fears.

OP doesn’t assert that anyone has every said you should have aborted your baby, or that her child doesn’t deserve to live. Those are her feelings expressing themselves in reply to people who ask her if the child’s issues weren’t detectable in utero, implying that they might have aborted if so. The choice to abort a fetus with significant genetic issues is just as valid as the choice to carry such a fetus to term and raise it for however long the genetic issues will allow it to live. OP has to accept that some people will have a different perspective. She has yet to tell us that anyone has said anything beyond ‘didn’t you know?’, so the rush to judge imaginary people in this thread is weird to me. If OP is upset by the question, she should consider a response to provide when it arises - what she’s written in her OP about her choice should be sufficient.

[Anonymous]

I recommend the book No One is Talking About This by Patricia Lockwood for thinking about this topic. Only a little related but a really impactful book.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually had a doctor on my third pregnancy decide on his own not to do genetic testing. So i was waiting on testing that had happened on earlier pregnancies and all the deadlines passed when i asked him. In other words, he was a pro-life crazy going against medical standards. And by our state laws i could not have sued him.

Kid was totally normal but its pretty wild in pro-life states.

Why were you waiting and not advocating for yourself?