Tired of people implying I should have gotten an abortion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just a heads up, other countries have a significantly higher rate of trisomy abortions than the US, for reasons ranging from economic to way less societal tolerance for special needs. So if you travel, or if you have a wide circle of international friends... you might be on the receiving end of insensitive behavior.

I am pro-choice and would not judge anyone's decision, but I also don't want to live in a society that has less tolerance for special needs. I'm really hoping that we can find a balance.

OP, I'm sorry that people are so rude to you. I agree that asking "What do you mean by that?" in an incredulous tone, may stop them in their tracks.

[Anonymous]

Oh my goodness, how horrible. That is absolutely disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We got DC's diagnosis prenatally. While their condition has brought extra challenges, DC has a good life and has brought a lot of joy to our family. My problem is judgement from other people. Multiple times, people have said things to me like, "Didn't you get the tests?" or "You know, they can test for that now." The assumption is that I was either negligent or uninformed, otherwise I would have terminated the pregnancy. Or I guess some people assume I'm very religious. It does not seem to have occurred to anyone that we carefully weighed the latest information and made an informed decision to have this child, not because of abortion restrictions or fear of eternal damnation, but because we already loved them and knew we could give them a good life. The charitable part of me thinks people are just uneducated and relying on old stereotypes. The angry mama bear part of me is tempted to ask them, "So you think my child shouldn't be alive?" It's very tiresome. Can anyone else relate?

I think you might have a chip on your shoulder — the first clue is your confusion in assigning your inferences as implications. You couldn’t possibly know what someone is implying — you can only infer. And since you are the common denominator in these interactions, it’s clear you assume the worst about why people say these things. They may have other reasons including wondering hypothetically whether they might make the same decision.

That may be true. But can we agree that there are things you just don't say to people because they aren't your business? Most things health related fall under that category.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I spent years advocating for people with disabilities but I also spent years in the criminal justice system and I think knowing how awful this world can be I would not personally want to bring a disabled child into it, because eventually I would not be there to protect them. Other people see the world differently and are more hopeful about human nature. I’m sorry that some people have made you feel bad about having your child but consider that they may not be coming from a place of judging your child as underserving of being here, but rather as terribly vulnerable. It’s certainly a more pessimistic outlook but it isn’t intended as cruelty to you they more likely feel sympathy for the anxiety you will no doubt carry all your life and more as you age and know your child will be at the mercy of strangers for years after you are gone.

So what, think what you want, but you have no business having a discussion like this about a child who already exists. That is incredibly rude and it turns *you* into a person from whom OP needs to protect their child.

I’m the author of that post and I have never had any such conversation with any of the people I know who have children with special needs - whether detectable during pregnancy or not.

My point was to offer OP another reason that people might be uncomfortable with her choice. That they don’t think her child is defective and unworthy of life, but that her child’s vulnerability in the world raises fears in them and they are expressing those fears.

OP doesn’t assert that anyone has every said you should have aborted your baby, or that her child doesn’t deserve to live. Those are her feelings expressing themselves in reply to people who ask her if the child’s issues weren’t detectable in utero, implying that they might have aborted if so. The choice to abort a fetus with significant genetic issues is just as valid as the choice to carry such a fetus to term and raise it for however long the genetic issues will allow it to live. OP has to accept that some people will have a different perspective. She has yet to tell us that anyone has said anything beyond ‘didn’t you know?’, so the rush to judge imaginary people in this thread is weird to me. If OP is upset by the question, she should consider a response to provide when it arises - what she’s written in her OP about her choice should be sufficient.

I’m glad you aren’t the one saying these things. I guess my point is, regardless of your rationale, there is no need for anyone to say “didn’t you know?” because what possible reason is there to do that except to imply that knowledge would have led to a different choice? And I say this as someone who likely would have made a different choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I spent years advocating for people with disabilities but I also spent years in the criminal justice system and I think knowing how awful this world can be I would not personally want to bring a disabled child into it, because eventually I would not be there to protect them. Other people see the world differently and are more hopeful about human nature. I’m sorry that some people have made you feel bad about having your child but consider that they may not be coming from a place of judging your child as underserving of being here, but rather as terribly vulnerable. It’s certainly a more pessimistic outlook but it isn’t intended as cruelty to you they more likely feel sympathy for the anxiety you will no doubt carry all your life and more as you age and know your child will be at the mercy of strangers for years after you are gone.

I have an uncle with downs who had a fairly good life (my grandfather was wealthy and left enough money for him to be put him in a group living situation until he died in his 50s). I have a sister who died in her 30s from a chronic autoimmune disease - she progressively deteriorated over the last 15 years of her life and was immobile and nonverbal for the last year of her life. Another aunt lost 3 of her 5 kids to a genetic condition. I am not uneducated or mean, but seeing these all play out makes it hard for me to understand why one would knowingly bring a child into the world with the potential for significant disabilities.

FWIW, I have a child with a disability (unknown genetic syndrome) and while things are ok now, it’s stressful not knowing what the future might bring. We are high income and it allows us the ability to pay for lots of therapies to allow my child to be mainstreamed at school. We didn’t know how it was going to go te first year. I hope my child does genetic testing of their embryos if they are able to/choose to have children. This wold be very stressful it we didn’t have resources.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They shouldn’t be saying it to your face, but 99% of those you meet think that.

Not true at all. The thought would never even cross my mind to begin with, but I'm Christian/Republican (but pro-choice). So maybe I think differently

I'm adamantly liberal, atheist, adamantly pro-choice, etc., and I wouldn't think it either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I spent years advocating for people with disabilities but I also spent years in the criminal justice system and I think knowing how awful this world can be I would not personally want to bring a disabled child into it, because eventually I would not be there to protect them. Other people see the world differently and are more hopeful about human nature. I’m sorry that some people have made you feel bad about having your child but consider that they may not be coming from a place of judging your child as underserving of being here, but rather as terribly vulnerable. It’s certainly a more pessimistic outlook but it isn’t intended as cruelty to you they more likely feel sympathy for the anxiety you will no doubt carry all your life and more as you age and know your child will be at the mercy of strangers for years after you are gone.

Yikes! So many incorrect assumptions going on here! PP, you have no idea what OP’s DC’s diagnosis is, no idea what the ramifications or remediability/accommodation for the disability can be, and no idea of OP’s financial resources or social/familial resources.

Your assumptions about carry lifelong anxiety and leaving children to their mercy of strangers - very uncalled for!

Besides, many neurotypical children face unexpected life turns and challenges. I am a parent and worry about my kids is unrelated to disability.

[Anonymous]

Ugh OP some of these comments are so gross.

Have you read "Far From The Tree?" It's a book about parents and children who are very different from each other, and one of the stories the author shares is from a parent of a child with Down syndrome. It is so good, you should really check it out I you haven't yet.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uahDrGJ4m8s&t=1702s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They shouldn’t be saying it to your face, but 99% of those you meet think that.

+ 1

Most people would feel uncomfortable and sad for OP and SN kid but I doubt people say anything. Most people feel sorry for SN kids and their families but I cannot imagine someone saying on the person's face that they should have aborted the baby.

Pp, if your statement is true, it only means most people are douchebags. SN families don’t want or need your pity and sadness.

I feel sorry that people continue to fail to see the value of human life and the contributions that people of all kinds can make. I say this while acknowledging that the only person who should decide about bringing a child into the world is the person who carries it. Their choice should be respected and supported, whatever it may be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They shouldn’t be saying it to your face, but 99% of those you meet think that.

I don't think this is helpful, and personally I don't think it's true. I might be the 1%, but this would not even occur to me for a second.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I spent years advocating for people with disabilities but I also spent years in the criminal justice system and I think knowing how awful this world can be I would not personally want to bring a disabled child into it, because eventually I would not be there to protect them. Other people see the world differently and are more hopeful about human nature. I’m sorry that some people have made you feel bad about having your child but consider that they may not be coming from a place of judging your child as underserving of being here, but rather as terribly vulnerable. It’s certainly a more pessimistic outlook but it isn’t intended as cruelty to you they more likely feel sympathy for the anxiety you will no doubt carry all your life and more as you age and know your child will be at the mercy of strangers for years after you are gone.

So what, think what you want, but you have no business having a discussion like this about a child who already exists. That is incredibly rude and it turns *you* into a person from whom OP needs to protect their child.

I’m the author of that post and I have never had any such conversation with any of the people I know who have children with special needs - whether detectable during pregnancy or not.

My point was to offer OP another reason that people might be uncomfortable with her choice. That they don’t think her child is defective and unworthy of life, but that her child’s vulnerability in the world raises fears in them and they are expressing those fears.

OP doesn’t assert that anyone has every said you should have aborted your baby, or that her child doesn’t deserve to live. Those are her feelings expressing themselves in reply to people who ask her if the child’s issues weren’t detectable in utero, implying that they might have aborted if so. The choice to abort a fetus with significant genetic issues is just as valid as the choice to carry such a fetus to term and raise it for however long the genetic issues will allow it to live. OP has to accept that some people will have a different perspective. She has yet to tell us that anyone has said anything beyond ‘didn’t you know?’, so the rush to judge imaginary people in this thread is weird to me. If OP is upset by the question, she should consider a response to provide when it arises - what she’s written in her OP about her choice should be sufficient.

There is no way you are a parent of a special needs child. This forum is for parents of special needs children to get information and support from each other. I am reporting you to Jeff.

[Anonymous]

Those are rude questions people are asking you OP.

At the same time, most people would not have made the same decision you have made, especially knowing their child may have to figure out how to live without them or be a ward of the state.

Doesn't mean they can ask you these questions, but just remember most people can't afford to do what you did, even if they loved the child in the womb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They shouldn’t be saying it to your face, but 99% of those you meet think that.

Not true at all. The thought would never even cross my mind to begin with, but I'm Christian/Republican (but pro-choice). So maybe I think differently

I'm adamantly liberal, atheist, adamantly pro-choice, etc., and I wouldn't think it either.

I love how people think that being Christian/Republican makes you a better person! I have never met anyone more judgmental than the conservative christians than at my childhood family church!

Being liberal or conservative or atheist or religious does not determine how kind and thoughtful you are!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Those are rude questions people are asking you OP.

At the same time, most people would not have made the same decision you have made, especially knowing their child may have to figure out how to live without them or be a ward of the state.

Doesn't mean they can ask you these questions, but just remember most people can't afford to do what you did, even if they loved the child in the womb.

What self-righteous dribble. This pp has insufficient experience with poverty, because wealthy and poor alike have severely disabled children and if you go to the undesirable parts of town, you’ll see MORE disabled children. Perhaps it’s because they’ve had less prenatal care, or because they feel less entitled to a certain kind of life. What’s amazing is how limited-resource families and communities DO figure out how to care for these children.

[Anonymous]

I'm the pp and that has not been my experience. I'm from a poor area in the south, and it's true there are more disabled poor children, but how many poor children have you seen with Downs, for example? I know none lately. But some my age who were born before abortion was legal.