17 Year Old Custody Schedule

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I also want to add that I have assured my ex that I would NOT seek any additional child support if the schedule changed and DS spent more time with me, so finances can't be playing any role in my ex's decision/thoughts. (It really wouldn't be that much extra time anyway, so any hypothetical impact on child support would be negligible, nor would I ever want to have that fight for just 9 more months of CS).

I'm only raising this because sometimes people say that parents want more time with the kid to get more money, or parents don't want to lose time because then they'll have to pay more money, etc.

Maybe he wants a relationship with his child? He only gets 4 days a month. Have you stopped to consider what that must be like as a parent? Now, you are changing it to two days a month.

If he wants a relationship with his child he needs to be willing to compromise. A senior in high school has a life outside of his parents. The father should be respectful of this. Forcing a kid to spend 2 weekends a month at a place he doesn't want to be is going to drive a wedge between them. This sounds like it's about control, not about having a healthy relationship with his son. My parents were divorced and I spent every weekend with my dad. Once I started driving I did not go there every weekend. I was involved with sports and my friends. I wasn't hanging out at home every weekend with either parent. Instead of acting like a control freak or a child, my dad adjusted his expectations and found other ways to spend time with me. He was always at my sporting events and we'd other go out to dinner after games or practice. Your ex is being unreasonable and he's going to ruin his relationship with his son. I would let him take it to court. Your son turns 18 in less than a year. Let your son plead his case in front of the judge.

OP here: yes, my ex is very controlling, so I think that's part of it. One of the (many) reasons we got divorced.

But I still want my DS to have a relationship with his dad. I'm not trying to come between them. I've done everything possible to facilitate and enable our custody schedule for 16 years year now. But I'm sympathetic to my DS's feelings and desires for all of the reasons you mention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I also want to add that I have assured my ex that I would NOT seek any additional child support if the schedule changed and DS spent more time with me, so finances can't be playing any role in my ex's decision/thoughts. (It really wouldn't be that much extra time anyway, so any hypothetical impact on child support would be negligible, nor would I ever want to have that fight for just 9 more months of CS).

I'm only raising this because sometimes people say that parents want more time with the kid to get more money, or parents don't want to lose time because then they'll have to pay more money, etc.

Maybe he wants a relationship with his child? He only gets 4 days a month. Have you stopped to consider what that must be like as a parent? Now, you are changing it to two days a month.

If he wants a relationship with his child he needs to be willing to compromise. A senior in high school has a life outside of his parents. The father should be respectful of this. Forcing a kid to spend 2 weekends a month at a place he doesn't want to be is going to drive a wedge between them. This sounds like it's about control, not about having a healthy relationship with his son. My parents were divorced and I spent every weekend with my dad. Once I started driving I did not go there every weekend. I was involved with sports and my friends. I wasn't hanging out at home every weekend with either parent. Instead of acting like a control freak or a child, my dad adjusted his expectations and found other ways to spend time with me. He was always at my sporting events and we'd other go out to dinner after games or practice. Your ex is being unreasonable and he's going to ruin his relationship with his son. I would let him take it to court. Your son turns 18 in less than a year. Let your son plead his case in front of the judge.

OP here: yes, my ex is very controlling, so I think that's part of it. One of the (many) reasons we got divorced.

But I still want my DS to have a relationship with his dad. I'm not trying to come between them. I've done everything possible to facilitate and enable our custody schedule for 16 years year now. But I'm sympathetic to my DS's feelings and desires for all of the reasons you mention.

Its not controlling to insist on your 4 days of month of court ordered visitation. He isn't even much of a parent with 4 days a month and you are taking that away.

You have two options - terminate visits or tell your child you will continue till 18. You can work with Dad on changing a weekend or two if something is important but you are clearly not making the relationship with Dad a priority, especially if he only gets 4 days a month.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you have tried to solve this but can't. And that's OK. You can't force your kid at this age and exDH isn't budging, either. So its on the two of them to resolve it -- take yourself out of the middle.

Tell them they have to solve it and then refuse to get involved in something you can't fix (because neither will compromise OR give in). If exDH threatens court, let him, and then let the court handle it. Tell your son if it comes to this, he will have to go to court with you. If you can't afford a lawyer, go to court with your son and without a lawyer.

We don't have the magic answer for you except that you take yourself out of the middle and let the two of them handle the consequences.

[Anonymous]

Swap houses with dad for the weekend?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:By this age, your 17 yr old's wishes would be taken into consideration by a judge. Suggest to DS that he invite his dad to come to HIM, and hang out for an afternoon through dinner. Maybe they could do that once a month and DS could go there one weekend a month.

OP here: that is what I proposed, but dad said absolutely not, no way. He wants his full two weekends a month at his house, end of story.

I just really can't afford to go to court to fight this out, even if a judge would listen. I'm really scared of being held in contempt of court.

Good luck to your ex in having a close and meaningful relationship with his son if this is how he treats him. Tell your son he is supposed to follow the visitation schedule. When he doesn't and your ex squawks at you tell him you can't force a 17 yr old to see someone he doesn't want to see. Let him take you to court. This should not be expensive - maybe 2-4 hours of attorney billing time. Your son will have to say he doesn't want to go. Judge will rule in his favor.

OP here - how do you know this?

I also don't see how this will only be 2-4 hours of attorney billing time. Last time we had to go to court over a dispute, it was at least 15 hours.

I know the judge will rule in his favor because I've done matrimonial and family law for over 20 years and courts listen to 17 yr olds about their wishes regarding visitation.

OP here: ok, but what if a 17 year old said they NEVER wanted to see the other parent? A court wouldn't grant that, no? Kids still have to spend time with both parents, unless parental rights are terminated. That's how it's always been explained to me.

It's fair to say a judge would require DS to be there at least one weekend a month, right? And I support that. Both because I want DS to have a relationship with his dad, but also, selfishly, as a single parent I do appreciate my occasional kid-free time.

No judgment OP, but this is the problem: you and your ex are on the same side against your kid. You’ve been pitching this as a difference between the kid and ex, but really it’s a convo between you and your kid about how you need some alone weekends too and if he stays home how can you still get that time. Once you and your son are on the same page I bet the ex piece will be easier to figure out.

OP here: This is why I have proposed (to both my ex and my DS) that my DS continue to spend one weekend a month with his dad. I'm fine if it drops from two weekends to one. But my ex is still insisting on both weekends.

Right. But what does your kid say? Is he okay with one weekend?

DS says he doesn't want to "have" to ever go up there on any sort of fixed schedule, but that one weekend would be better than two.

I must be really challenging to be nearing the age of independence and yet be forced to comply with court orders as if you have committed a crime, when you are just an innocent bystander of adults' disputes,

He needs to understand adult choices lead to adult consequences and that if he stops his relationship with Dad, and wants to be an adult, come 18, he needs to pay for his own college and life and not count on Dad.

OP here: this is really neither here nor there, but dad isn't paying for college and has already made that clear. He had to pay for college himself, so he thinks DS should too.

My income is such that I am hoping DS will qualify for significant need-based aid. DS also has good grades and hopefully could get merit scholarships too. I have some saved, but not a ton.

It would be nice if Dad helped but often it does just go by your income so hopefully there is aid. However, bottomline is you are the parent, you tell him he's going and end of discussion. Its 4 days a month.

OP here: again, I have explained to my DS multiple times what the court order says and what contempt of court means and the importance of spending time with his dad. So I am asking what I can *actually* do if my DS physically refuses to get in the car next weekend? Call the cops?

No, you don't call the cops. You give him consequences. He is grounded for the week and only gets electronics for school purposes and monitor it. He stays home outside school and sports/scheduled activities. Then, you reschedule with Dad for the following weekend. Its not a discussion. Its not about contempt as reality is the court will not hold you in contempt. Its about a relationship with his father. You don't discuss or debate it. You will get in the car and have a good visit with your Dad or you are grounded for the week. No phone, no electronics, no going out outside of school and activities (or work since its summer).

You can offer long weekends, Thanksgiving, Christmas and Spring Break as alternatives too. Lots of options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I also want to add that I have assured my ex that I would NOT seek any additional child support if the schedule changed and DS spent more time with me, so finances can't be playing any role in my ex's decision/thoughts. (It really wouldn't be that much extra time anyway, so any hypothetical impact on child support would be negligible, nor would I ever want to have that fight for just 9 more months of CS).

I'm only raising this because sometimes people say that parents want more time with the kid to get more money, or parents don't want to lose time because then they'll have to pay more money, etc.

Maybe he wants a relationship with his child? He only gets 4 days a month. Have you stopped to consider what that must be like as a parent? Now, you are changing it to two days a month.

If he wants a relationship with his child he needs to be willing to compromise. A senior in high school has a life outside of his parents. The father should be respectful of this. Forcing a kid to spend 2 weekends a month at a place he doesn't want to be is going to drive a wedge between them. This sounds like it's about control, not about having a healthy relationship with his son. My parents were divorced and I spent every weekend with my dad. Once I started driving I did not go there every weekend. I was involved with sports and my friends. I wasn't hanging out at home every weekend with either parent. Instead of acting like a control freak or a child, my dad adjusted his expectations and found other ways to spend time with me. He was always at my sporting events and we'd other go out to dinner after games or practice. Your ex is being unreasonable and he's going to ruin his relationship with his son. I would let him take it to court. Your son turns 18 in less than a year. Let your son plead his case in front of the judge.

OP here: yes, my ex is very controlling, so I think that's part of it. One of the (many) reasons we got divorced.

But I still want my DS to have a relationship with his dad. I'm not trying to come between them. I've done everything possible to facilitate and enable our custody schedule for 16 years year now. But I'm sympathetic to my DS's feelings and desires for all of the reasons you mention.

Its not controlling to insist on your 4 days of month of court ordered visitation. He isn't even much of a parent with 4 days a month and you are taking that away.

You have two options - terminate visits or tell your child you will continue till 18. You can work with Dad on changing a weekend or two if something is important but you are clearly not making the relationship with Dad a priority, especially if he only gets 4 days a month.

For a high school senior? It is a d"ck move.

Senior years are crammed with events OP's son will miss.

If Dad wanted to see son so much he should live a heck of a lot closer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I also want to add that I have assured my ex that I would NOT seek any additional child support if the schedule changed and DS spent more time with me, so finances can't be playing any role in my ex's decision/thoughts. (It really wouldn't be that much extra time anyway, so any hypothetical impact on child support would be negligible, nor would I ever want to have that fight for just 9 more months of CS).

I'm only raising this because sometimes people say that parents want more time with the kid to get more money, or parents don't want to lose time because then they'll have to pay more money, etc.

Maybe he wants a relationship with his child? He only gets 4 days a month. Have you stopped to consider what that must be like as a parent? Now, you are changing it to two days a month.

If he wants a relationship with his child he needs to be willing to compromise. A senior in high school has a life outside of his parents. The father should be respectful of this. Forcing a kid to spend 2 weekends a month at a place he doesn't want to be is going to drive a wedge between them. This sounds like it's about control, not about having a healthy relationship with his son. My parents were divorced and I spent every weekend with my dad. Once I started driving I did not go there every weekend. I was involved with sports and my friends. I wasn't hanging out at home every weekend with either parent. Instead of acting like a control freak or a child, my dad adjusted his expectations and found other ways to spend time with me. He was always at my sporting events and we'd other go out to dinner after games or practice. Your ex is being unreasonable and he's going to ruin his relationship with his son. I would let him take it to court. Your son turns 18 in less than a year. Let your son plead his case in front of the judge.

OP here: yes, my ex is very controlling, so I think that's part of it. One of the (many) reasons we got divorced.

But I still want my DS to have a relationship with his dad. I'm not trying to come between them. I've done everything possible to facilitate and enable our custody schedule for 16 years year now. But I'm sympathetic to my DS's feelings and desires for all of the reasons you mention.

Its not controlling to insist on your 4 days of month of court ordered visitation. He isn't even much of a parent with 4 days a month and you are taking that away.

You have two options - terminate visits or tell your child you will continue till 18. You can work with Dad on changing a weekend or two if something is important but you are clearly not making the relationship with Dad a priority, especially if he only gets 4 days a month.

OP here: Ok, I really resent this. Our schedule is the way it is because when we divorced when DS was a toddler, his dad did not want more time than that, largely due to the distance and him deciding to move far away.

Also, DS has always more time in the summer with his dad to make up for the school year schedule.

I don't see how I would possibly "terminate visits." Nor do I want to do that or think that's in my DS's best interests. Who said anything about terminating visits entirely??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like you have tried to solve this but can't. And that's OK. You can't force your kid at this age and exDH isn't budging, either. So its on the two of them to resolve it -- take yourself out of the middle.

Tell them they have to solve it and then refuse to get involved in something you can't fix (because neither will compromise OR give in). If exDH threatens court, let him, and then let the court handle it. Tell your son if it comes to this, he will have to go to court with you. If you can't afford a lawyer, go to court with your son and without a lawyer.

We don't have the magic answer for you except that you take yourself out of the middle and let the two of them handle the consequences.

The ex gets 4 days a month. He already is getting very little visitation (4 days a month is not parenting) so there is nothing to compromise onn. Dad isn't going to file over this nor is mom. Both need to be parents and Mom needs to have consequences for the behavior and not listening to her. Its not a negotiation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I also want to add that I have assured my ex that I would NOT seek any additional child support if the schedule changed and DS spent more time with me, so finances can't be playing any role in my ex's decision/thoughts. (It really wouldn't be that much extra time anyway, so any hypothetical impact on child support would be negligible, nor would I ever want to have that fight for just 9 more months of CS).

I'm only raising this because sometimes people say that parents want more time with the kid to get more money, or parents don't want to lose time because then they'll have to pay more money, etc.

Maybe he wants a relationship with his child? He only gets 4 days a month. Have you stopped to consider what that must be like as a parent? Now, you are changing it to two days a month.

If he wants a relationship with his child he needs to be willing to compromise. A senior in high school has a life outside of his parents. The father should be respectful of this. Forcing a kid to spend 2 weekends a month at a place he doesn't want to be is going to drive a wedge between them. This sounds like it's about control, not about having a healthy relationship with his son. My parents were divorced and I spent every weekend with my dad. Once I started driving I did not go there every weekend. I was involved with sports and my friends. I wasn't hanging out at home every weekend with either parent. Instead of acting like a control freak or a child, my dad adjusted his expectations and found other ways to spend time with me. He was always at my sporting events and we'd other go out to dinner after games or practice. Your ex is being unreasonable and he's going to ruin his relationship with his son. I would let him take it to court. Your son turns 18 in less than a year. Let your son plead his case in front of the judge.

OP here: yes, my ex is very controlling, so I think that's part of it. One of the (many) reasons we got divorced.

But I still want my DS to have a relationship with his dad. I'm not trying to come between them. I've done everything possible to facilitate and enable our custody schedule for 16 years year now. But I'm sympathetic to my DS's feelings and desires for all of the reasons you mention.

Its not controlling to insist on your 4 days of month of court ordered visitation. He isn't even much of a parent with 4 days a month and you are taking that away.

You have two options - terminate visits or tell your child you will continue till 18. You can work with Dad on changing a weekend or two if something is important but you are clearly not making the relationship with Dad a priority, especially if he only gets 4 days a month.

OP here: Ok, I really resent this. Our schedule is the way it is because when we divorced when DS was a toddler, his dad did not want more time than that, largely due to the distance and him deciding to move far away.

Also, DS has always more time in the summer with his dad to make up for the school year schedule.

I don't see how I would possibly "terminate visits." Nor do I want to do that or think that's in my DS's best interests. Who said anything about terminating visits entirely??

Its summer, so how much time did son spend with Dad this summer? If son does not go to visits, you are terminating visits.

I don't see the drama. The schedule is twice a month. It sounds like you are creating drama vs. standing firm with your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I also want to add that I have assured my ex that I would NOT seek any additional child support if the schedule changed and DS spent more time with me, so finances can't be playing any role in my ex's decision/thoughts. (It really wouldn't be that much extra time anyway, so any hypothetical impact on child support would be negligible, nor would I ever want to have that fight for just 9 more months of CS).

I'm only raising this because sometimes people say that parents want more time with the kid to get more money, or parents don't want to lose time because then they'll have to pay more money, etc.

Maybe he wants a relationship with his child? He only gets 4 days a month. Have you stopped to consider what that must be like as a parent? Now, you are changing it to two days a month.

If he wants a relationship with his child he needs to be willing to compromise. A senior in high school has a life outside of his parents. The father should be respectful of this. Forcing a kid to spend 2 weekends a month at a place he doesn't want to be is going to drive a wedge between them. This sounds like it's about control, not about having a healthy relationship with his son. My parents were divorced and I spent every weekend with my dad. Once I started driving I did not go there every weekend. I was involved with sports and my friends. I wasn't hanging out at home every weekend with either parent. Instead of acting like a control freak or a child, my dad adjusted his expectations and found other ways to spend time with me. He was always at my sporting events and we'd other go out to dinner after games or practice. Your ex is being unreasonable and he's going to ruin his relationship with his son. I would let him take it to court. Your son turns 18 in less than a year. Let your son plead his case in front of the judge.

OP here: yes, my ex is very controlling, so I think that's part of it. One of the (many) reasons we got divorced.

But I still want my DS to have a relationship with his dad. I'm not trying to come between them. I've done everything possible to facilitate and enable our custody schedule for 16 years year now. But I'm sympathetic to my DS's feelings and desires for all of the reasons you mention.

Its not controlling to insist on your 4 days of month of court ordered visitation. He isn't even much of a parent with 4 days a month and you are taking that away.

You have two options - terminate visits or tell your child you will continue till 18. You can work with Dad on changing a weekend or two if something is important but you are clearly not making the relationship with Dad a priority, especially if he only gets 4 days a month.

OMG, here comes the men's rights, mom-bashing poster. OP is not "taking that away". The OP's DS no longer wants the schedule. What does he do over there anyway? A teenager is into his own life at this point, and spending time with either parent is the lowest thing on his list of priorities.

Be a big boy, PP, and try to see it like a parent. Think about the child's needs, not the father's needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I also want to add that I have assured my ex that I would NOT seek any additional child support if the schedule changed and DS spent more time with me, so finances can't be playing any role in my ex's decision/thoughts. (It really wouldn't be that much extra time anyway, so any hypothetical impact on child support would be negligible, nor would I ever want to have that fight for just 9 more months of CS).

I'm only raising this because sometimes people say that parents want more time with the kid to get more money, or parents don't want to lose time because then they'll have to pay more money, etc.

Maybe he wants a relationship with his child? He only gets 4 days a month. Have you stopped to consider what that must be like as a parent? Now, you are changing it to two days a month.

If he wants a relationship with his child he needs to be willing to compromise. A senior in high school has a life outside of his parents. The father should be respectful of this. Forcing a kid to spend 2 weekends a month at a place he doesn't want to be is going to drive a wedge between them. This sounds like it's about control, not about having a healthy relationship with his son. My parents were divorced and I spent every weekend with my dad. Once I started driving I did not go there every weekend. I was involved with sports and my friends. I wasn't hanging out at home every weekend with either parent. Instead of acting like a control freak or a child, my dad adjusted his expectations and found other ways to spend time with me. He was always at my sporting events and we'd other go out to dinner after games or practice. Your ex is being unreasonable and he's going to ruin his relationship with his son. I would let him take it to court. Your son turns 18 in less than a year. Let your son plead his case in front of the judge.

OP here: yes, my ex is very controlling, so I think that's part of it. One of the (many) reasons we got divorced.

But I still want my DS to have a relationship with his dad. I'm not trying to come between them. I've done everything possible to facilitate and enable our custody schedule for 16 years year now. But I'm sympathetic to my DS's feelings and desires for all of the reasons you mention.

Its not controlling to insist on your 4 days of month of court ordered visitation. He isn't even much of a parent with 4 days a month and you are taking that away.

You have two options - terminate visits or tell your child you will continue till 18. You can work with Dad on changing a weekend or two if something is important but you are clearly not making the relationship with Dad a priority, especially if he only gets 4 days a month.

OP here: Ok, I really resent this. Our schedule is the way it is because when we divorced when DS was a toddler, his dad did not want more time than that, largely due to the distance and him deciding to move far away.

Also, DS has always more time in the summer with his dad to make up for the school year schedule.

I don't see how I would possibly "terminate visits." Nor do I want to do that or think that's in my DS's best interests. Who said anything about terminating visits entirely??

Its summer, so how much time did son spend with Dad this summer? If son does not go to visits, you are terminating visits.

I don't see the drama. The schedule is twice a month. It sounds like you are creating drama vs. standing firm with your child.

OP here: DS is already back in school. I'm not local to DC, so I don't know what start dates are there, but in my state we are already back in school.

DS did two weeks with his dad at the beginning of the summer, one week at the end, and several long weekends. I didn't "terminate" anything.

[Anonymous]

OP should go the dirty route and tell her DS, "I"m with you, but unfortunately your d/ck dad isn't on board so you have to go whether you like it or not. Now you understand why we are divorced."

But she won't. She'll continue taking the high road, despite the people complaining that SHE is somehow undermining the father's relationship, when it's the DS himself who no longer wants to go. You're a good mom, OP.

I would never post on DCUM seeking validation or advice about visitation or custody or child support -- there is an unhealthy anti-single mom group here that dominates every thread on the subject. They're terrible and have no idea what there relationships are actually like. Good luck, OP. You're almost at the finish line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By this age, your 17 yr old's wishes would be taken into consideration by a judge. Suggest to DS that he invite his dad to come to HIM, and hang out for an afternoon through dinner. Maybe they could do that once a month and DS could go there one weekend a month.

OP here: that is what I proposed, but dad said absolutely not, no way. He wants his full two weekends a month at his house, end of story.

I just really can't afford to go to court to fight this out, even if a judge would listen. I'm really scared of being held in contempt of court.

Good luck to your ex in having a close and meaningful relationship with his son if this is how he treats him. Tell your son he is supposed to follow the visitation schedule. When he doesn't and your ex squawks at you tell him you can't force a 17 yr old to see someone he doesn't want to see. Let him take you to court. This should not be expensive - maybe 2-4 hours of attorney billing time. Your son will have to say he doesn't want to go. Judge will rule in his favor.

OP here - how do you know this?

I also don't see how this will only be 2-4 hours of attorney billing time. Last time we had to go to court over a dispute, it was at least 15 hours.

I know the judge will rule in his favor because I've done matrimonial and family law for over 20 years and courts listen to 17 yr olds about their wishes regarding visitation.

OP here: ok, but what if a 17 year old said they NEVER wanted to see the other parent? A court wouldn't grant that, no? Kids still have to spend time with both parents, unless parental rights are terminated. That's how it's always been explained to me.

It's fair to say a judge would require DS to be there at least one weekend a month, right? And I support that. Both because I want DS to have a relationship with his dad, but also, selfishly, as a single parent I do appreciate my occasional kid-free time.

No judgment OP, but this is the problem: you and your ex are on the same side against your kid. You’ve been pitching this as a difference between the kid and ex, but really it’s a convo between you and your kid about how you need some alone weekends too and if he stays home how can you still get that time. Once you and your son are on the same page I bet the ex piece will be easier to figure out.

OP here: This is why I have proposed (to both my ex and my DS) that my DS continue to spend one weekend a month with his dad. I'm fine if it drops from two weekends to one. But my ex is still insisting on both weekends.

It's time to stop discussing this with your ex. Tell him he needs to discuss it with your son.

And invest in an hour or two with your attorney and find out what your options are here because, yeah, it's not realistic to require you to physically force your almost adult son into the car. I think the easiest and most immediate solution is that you and your ex switch pick up and drop off, which is honestly always the way it should have been. If the ex refuses to agree to that then you drop your son off once a month.

If your ex takes you to court, he takes you to court. I don't think you need a lawyer to stand in front of a judge and say, "I was physically unable to force my 17 year old into the car." and for your son to say he doesn't want to spend two weekends a month at his dad's house and refuses to go.

[Anonymous]

I have a 17 yo senior with the same sort of arrangement for visiting his father. And my 17yo is doing the same grumbling, not wanting to go, wanting to stay and hang out with friends, etc. I gave my ex a heads up about what 17yo was saying and told him, that was their issue to figure out. There are still some grumblings and when that happens I remind 17 yo that he needs to talk to his father about this. Ex has talked to 17 yo and explained how important it is to him that he has time with son at his own home too, and that their time together is already minimum. 17 yo listens and argues back a little but mostly he just accepts what ex is saying. These conversations come up every couple of months between them.

There are some differences here, I don't have a court-ordered custody agreement and although the breakup between us was bad, we never have a problem coming together for kid stuff. None of the resentment seem to matter when we are parenting together.

Also, my ex always comes and picks up 17yo so this isn't an issue for me, but ultimately my kid would get in the car. He might grumble and say stuff like "this is stupid" and get very angry but he's still going to do what I tell him to.

I sympathize with my ex and my 17yo. I can see both sides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I also want to add that I have assured my ex that I would NOT seek any additional child support if the schedule changed and DS spent more time with me, so finances can't be playing any role in my ex's decision/thoughts. (It really wouldn't be that much extra time anyway, so any hypothetical impact on child support would be negligible, nor would I ever want to have that fight for just 9 more months of CS).

I'm only raising this because sometimes people say that parents want more time with the kid to get more money, or parents don't want to lose time because then they'll have to pay more money, etc.

Maybe he wants a relationship with his child? He only gets 4 days a month. Have you stopped to consider what that must be like as a parent? Now, you are changing it to two days a month.

If he wants a relationship with his child he needs to be willing to compromise. A senior in high school has a life outside of his parents. The father should be respectful of this. Forcing a kid to spend 2 weekends a month at a place he doesn't want to be is going to drive a wedge between them. This sounds like it's about control, not about having a healthy relationship with his son. My parents were divorced and I spent every weekend with my dad. Once I started driving I did not go there every weekend. I was involved with sports and my friends. I wasn't hanging out at home every weekend with either parent. Instead of acting like a control freak or a child, my dad adjusted his expectations and found other ways to spend time with me. He was always at my sporting events and we'd other go out to dinner after games or practice. Your ex is being unreasonable and he's going to ruin his relationship with his son. I would let him take it to court. Your son turns 18 in less than a year. Let your son plead his case in front of the judge.

OP here: yes, my ex is very controlling, so I think that's part of it. One of the (many) reasons we got divorced.

But I still want my DS to have a relationship with his dad. I'm not trying to come between them. I've done everything possible to facilitate and enable our custody schedule for 16 years year now. But I'm sympathetic to my DS's feelings and desires for all of the reasons you mention.

Its not controlling to insist on your 4 days of month of court ordered visitation. He isn't even much of a parent with 4 days a month and you are taking that away.

You have two options - terminate visits or tell your child you will continue till 18. You can work with Dad on changing a weekend or two if something is important but you are clearly not making the relationship with Dad a priority, especially if he only gets 4 days a month.

OMG, here comes the men's rights, mom-bashing poster. OP is not "taking that away". The OP's DS no longer wants the schedule. What does he do over there anyway? A teenager is into his own life at this point, and spending time with either parent is the lowest thing on his list of priorities.

Be a big boy, PP, and try to see it like a parent. Think about the child's needs, not the father's needs.

+1