This week at family beach home, pretend not to realize a nephew was supposed to graduate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, you are supposed to add your college internship onto Linked In?

Somewhat o/t, but yes if you are in college.

LinkedIn? Maybe you were "supposed" to if you were going to college in the early 2000s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just have a normal conversation with him! Most normal conversations i have with people I don't see very often involve asking them what they are up to and what is going on with their lives. Then see how he answers. If he does not bring it up, I would not bring it up either.

+1 I can't imagine seeing a college-aged nephew and not asking "how's school?" He'll either tell you he's having a hard time and taking longer to graduate, or he switched majors or is double-majoring or something, or he studied abroad and didn't get all the required credits, or that he quietly graduated early and is building a company in his parents' basement.

If you care about the kid talk to the kid. If you care about embarrassing his mom for being proud of her kid on Facebook in the past, I guess you'll probably find some way to do that.

Exactly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend is like this and I noticed when she didn't post about her son's graduation from HS. Turns out he transferred to a private and then repeated a grade. She was very secretive about it until son got into an amazing college and then the posting started up again.

It’s almost as if people feel good about sharing good news, and feel more guarded about sharing not-so-good news, to avoid the judgment of “friends” like you.

Again, exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Week-long extended family festivities at beach homes the family owns, plus a rental. Lots of socializing. My brother-in-law's son is the oldest out of the group of cousins including our kids, and he was supposed to graduate from college this spring. His mother tends to overshare on Facebook, so it was noticeable that there was nothing about his graduation ceremony. Curious, I looked him up on LinkedIn and not only is there no graduation listed, zero summer internships are listed either. He attends an excellent university where taking longer than four years is very abnormal. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable but at the same time I am concerned and would like to know what is going on.

No you just want some gossip! I can't believe the lengths you went to. Its really not that hard. Either he didn't graduate which is fine lots of kids take longer or he did and they didn't tell you yet and you will find out. Also don't be obnoxious n person and try and ask fake concern questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someone comes off looking bad here, and it's not the person taking more than 4 years to finish college.

(Also, OP, you might want to think about why the setting is so important to you. Because you mention it more than once.)

The “family beach home”? Who even says that

And it’s not even her family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Week-long extended family festivities at beach homes the family owns, plus a rental. Lots of socializing. My brother-in-law's son is the oldest out of the group of cousins including our kids, and he was supposed to graduate from college this spring. His mother tends to overshare on Facebook, so it was noticeable that there was nothing about his graduation ceremony. Curious, I looked him up on LinkedIn and not only is there no graduation listed, zero summer internships are listed either. He attends an excellent university where taking longer than four years is very abnormal. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable but at the same time I am concerned and would like to know what is going on.

No you just want some gossip! I can't believe the lengths you went to. Its really not that hard. Either he didn't graduate which is fine lots of kids take longer or he did and they didn't tell you yet and you will find out. Also don't be obnoxious n person and try and ask fake concern questions.

I know this is awful of me, but maybe he graduated and he/his mom limited who can see their social media posts and didn’t invite the aunt-by-marriage OP. Or maybe he decided awhile back to change his major and/or take 5 years to graduate and didn’t inform the OP. It sounds like there may be a gap between their perception of the relationship and her perception of the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just have a normal conversation with him! Most normal conversations i have with people I don't see very often involve asking them what they are up to and what is going on with their lives. Then see how he answers. If he does not bring it up, I would not bring it up either.

+1 I can't imagine seeing a college-aged nephew and not asking "how's school?" He'll either tell you he's having a hard time and taking longer to graduate, or he switched majors or is double-majoring or something, or he studied abroad and didn't get all the required credits, or that he quietly graduated early and is building a company in his parents' basement.

If you care about the kid talk to the kid. If you care about embarrassing his mom for being proud of her kid on Facebook in the past, I guess you'll probably find some way to do that.

Or maybe he'll just say "it's great!" without mentioning whether he graduated? It's entirely possible, after all, that it IS great and that he hasn't graduated yet.

Your suggestion isn't helpful.

I'm not trying to help you be nosy. I'm trying to teach you how to be a person.

Maybe. But from the anticipated responses that you've outlined, it sounds like your advising OP how to be surreptitiously nosy about the nephew's graduation status. Because if I were listing the possible responses to the "how's school" question, it wouldn't include a long list of possible explanations for why he didn't graduate.

I would just say How are things with you? He can talk about school or an upcoming trip or the patent he just sold to a fortune 500 company. I just ran into a mom of a very top student from my sons HS class. He decided on Engineering at some point and it took him an extra year to graduate. He is starting a job he is exctied about in July. No need for anyone to be worried.

[Anonymous]

I graduated from Princeton way back in the late 00s when there was no pandemic closures or anything, I just messed up a course credit transfer and was short a credit at graduation and had to take one more credit over the summer. I think the date on my diploma is some random day when the registrar finally processed my credit. I walked with my class but my mom made it clear that she would not be celebrating my graduation and that I had caused her deep shame. She still cries during graduation season and will call me and say “you never gave me the gradation I deserved!”. I was not first generation college and I paid for school with loans and grants, so it’s not like she paid for it. Anyway, it was not normal to not graduate with your class at Princeton at the time and my mom still refuses to talk about anything from that era because I embarrassed her.

Your nephew may or may not be in a similar situation. You can bring it up 1:1 with him but definitely not in a large group or in front of his mom! Sounds like she is a lot to handle and whatever his situation is- good, bad, neutral- she sees it as a negative.

I would have appreciated a kind person acknowledging the weirdness to me, helping me talk through my disappointment (in myself, the situation, and my mom’s reaction), and giving me an anecdote or two about speed bumps that they encountered in their own adult life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, you are supposed to add your college internship onto Linked In?

Welcome to 2022, granny. Yes, every go-getting college student maintains a very detailed LinkedIn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I graduated from Princeton way back in the late 00s when there was no pandemic closures or anything, I just messed up a course credit transfer and was short a credit at graduation and had to take one more credit over the summer. I think the date on my diploma is some random day when the registrar finally processed my credit. I walked with my class but my mom made it clear that she would not be celebrating my graduation and that I had caused her deep shame. She still cries during graduation season and will call me and say “you never gave me the gradation I deserved!”. I was not first generation college and I paid for school with loans and grants, so it’s not like she paid for it. Anyway, it was not normal to not graduate with your class at Princeton at the time and my mom still refuses to talk about anything from that era because I embarrassed her.

Your nephew may or may not be in a similar situation. You can bring it up 1:1 with him but definitely not in a large group or in front of his mom! Sounds like she is a lot to handle and whatever his situation is- good, bad, neutral- she sees it as a negative.

I would have appreciated a kind person acknowledging the weirdness to me, helping me talk through my disappointment (in myself, the situation, and my mom’s reaction), and giving me an anecdote or two about speed bumps that they encountered in their own adult life.

Correct, people are making a lot of weird excuses in this thread. It is not normal to not graduate on time at the top 50 or so universities. Those universities have 90+% graduation rates. Kids come in with tons of AP credits, a lot of kids finish early and do study abroad trips. It was reported in NYT and WSJ that college kids loved remote coursework because it was so easy and they could load up on credits and get easy As.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just have a normal conversation with him! Most normal conversations i have with people I don't see very often involve asking them what they are up to and what is going on with their lives. Then see how he answers. If he does not bring it up, I would not bring it up either.

+1 I can't imagine seeing a college-aged nephew and not asking "how's school?" He'll either tell you he's having a hard time and taking longer to graduate, or he switched majors or is double-majoring or something, or he studied abroad and didn't get all the required credits, or that he quietly graduated early and is building a company in his parents' basement.

If you care about the kid talk to the kid. If you care about embarrassing his mom for being proud of her kid on Facebook in the past, I guess you'll probably find some way to do that.

+2 Or he took a semester off for mental health issues, or Covid disrupted his education, or he will be graduating this December, or it's still up in the air. OP IRL you can ask gently and not make anyone uncomfortable, and be a supportive aunt.

Selective universities don't have December graduations. That's a state school thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I graduated from Princeton way back in the late 00s when there was no pandemic closures or anything, I just messed up a course credit transfer and was short a credit at graduation and had to take one more credit over the summer. I think the date on my diploma is some random day when the registrar finally processed my credit. I walked with my class but my mom made it clear that she would not be celebrating my graduation and that I had caused her deep shame. She still cries during graduation season and will call me and say “you never gave me the gradation I deserved!”. I was not first generation college and I paid for school with loans and grants, so it’s not like she paid for it. Anyway, it was not normal to not graduate with your class at Princeton at the time and my mom still refuses to talk about anything from that era because I embarrassed her.

Your nephew may or may not be in a similar situation. You can bring it up 1:1 with him but definitely not in a large group or in front of his mom! Sounds like she is a lot to handle and whatever his situation is- good, bad, neutral- she sees it as a negative.

I would have appreciated a kind person acknowledging the weirdness to me, helping me talk through my disappointment (in myself, the situation, and my mom’s reaction), and giving me an anecdote or two about speed bumps that they encountered in their own adult life.

Correct, people are making a lot of weird excuses in this thread. It is not normal to not graduate on time at the top 50 or so universities. Those universities have 90+% graduation rates. Kids come in with tons of AP credits, a lot of kids finish early and do study abroad trips. It was reported in NYT and WSJ that college kids loved remote coursework because it was so easy and they could load up on credits and get easy As.

No, they don't. Only six US colleges and universities have four year graduation rates of over 90 percent, and only a handful more have rates of 90 percent. Harvard's four year rate is 86 percent. Brown's and Yale's are 84. Michigan's is 81. Stanford's FIVE year graduation rate is 90 percent. Etc. There are nowhere near 50 colleges and universities with "90+" four year graduation rates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Week-long extended family festivities at beach homes the family owns, plus a rental. Lots of socializing. My brother-in-law's son is the oldest out of the group of cousins including our kids, and he was supposed to graduate from college this spring. His mother tends to overshare on Facebook, so it was noticeable that there was nothing about his graduation ceremony. Curious, I looked him up on LinkedIn and not only is there no graduation listed, zero summer internships are listed either. He attends an excellent university where taking longer than four years is very abnormal. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable but at the same time I am concerned and would like to know what is going on.

Have your DH ask his brother if you really are concerned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, you are supposed to add your college internship onto Linked In?

Welcome to 2022, granny. Yes, every go-getting college student maintains a very detailed LinkedIn.

DP. Based on what? That you like it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I graduated from Princeton way back in the late 00s when there was no pandemic closures or anything, I just messed up a course credit transfer and was short a credit at graduation and had to take one more credit over the summer. I think the date on my diploma is some random day when the registrar finally processed my credit. I walked with my class but my mom made it clear that she would not be celebrating my graduation and that I had caused her deep shame. She still cries during graduation season and will call me and say “you never gave me the gradation I deserved!”. I was not first generation college and I paid for school with loans and grants, so it’s not like she paid for it. Anyway, it was not normal to not graduate with your class at Princeton at the time and my mom still refuses to talk about anything from that era because I embarrassed her.

Your nephew may or may not be in a similar situation. You can bring it up 1:1 with him but definitely not in a large group or in front of his mom! Sounds like she is a lot to handle and whatever his situation is- good, bad, neutral- she sees it as a negative.

I would have appreciated a kind person acknowledging the weirdness to me, helping me talk through my disappointment (in myself, the situation, and my mom’s reaction), and giving me an anecdote or two about speed bumps that they encountered in their own adult life.

Correct, people are making a lot of weird excuses in this thread. It is not normal to not graduate on time at the top 50 or so universities. Those universities have 90+% graduation rates. Kids come in with tons of AP credits, a lot of kids finish early and do study abroad trips. It was reported in NYT and WSJ that college kids loved remote coursework because it was so easy and they could load up on credits and get easy As.

JFC, woman, there are a lot of things that go on in life that are "not normal." That doesn't mean it's okay to ask about them at family gatherings.

Were you raised in a barn?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound nosy. I graduated in 5 years and am a normal, successful adult. Who cares? He has the rest of his life to be an adult.

Yep. My dad majored in electrical engineering and his major was five years.