This week at family beach home, pretend not to realize a nephew was supposed to graduate?

[Anonymous]

Don't do that OP, it shows you have bought into all.her bragging previously.

[Anonymous]

It is weird when parents brag about their kids, but then don’t follow through with the bad stuff. My nephew got promoted to assistant manager at a chain restaurant and they were so proud (he didn’t go to college). He was fired within a few months. His job history is a series of short term retail jobs. When he got a girlfriend, they were so proud but skated around the fact that they broke up. They are also proud that he is well-adjusted, but in reality, he smokes weed and drinks every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just have a normal conversation with him! Most normal conversations i have with people I don't see very often involve asking them what they are up to and what is going on with their lives. Then see how he answers. If he does not bring it up, I would not bring it up either.

+1 I can't imagine seeing a college-aged nephew and not asking "how's school?" He'll either tell you he's having a hard time and taking longer to graduate, or he switched majors or is double-majoring or something, or he studied abroad and didn't get all the required credits, or that he quietly graduated early and is building a company in his parents' basement.

If you care about the kid talk to the kid. If you care about embarrassing his mom for being proud of her kid on Facebook in the past, I guess you'll probably find some way to do that.

+100 to all of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is weird when parents brag about their kids, but then don’t follow through with the bad stuff. My nephew got promoted to assistant manager at a chain restaurant and they were so proud (he didn’t go to college). He was fired within a few months. His job history is a series of short term retail jobs. When he got a girlfriend, they were so proud but skated around the fact that they broke up. They are also proud that he is well-adjusted, but in reality, he smokes weed and drinks every day.

It's not remotely weird when parents share good news about their kids widely but not their struggles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I graduated from Princeton way back in the late 00s when there was no pandemic closures or anything, I just messed up a course credit transfer and was short a credit at graduation and had to take one more credit over the summer. I think the date on my diploma is some random day when the registrar finally processed my credit. I walked with my class but my mom made it clear that she would not be celebrating my graduation and that I had caused her deep shame. She still cries during graduation season and will call me and say “you never gave me the gradation I deserved!”. I was not first generation college and I paid for school with loans and grants, so it’s not like she paid for it. Anyway, it was not normal to not graduate with your class at Princeton at the time and my mom still refuses to talk about anything from that era because I embarrassed her.

Your nephew may or may not be in a similar situation. You can bring it up 1:1 with him but definitely not in a large group or in front of his mom! Sounds like she is a lot to handle and whatever his situation is- good, bad, neutral- she sees it as a negative.

I would have appreciated a kind person acknowledging the weirdness to me, helping me talk through my disappointment (in myself, the situation, and my mom’s reaction), and giving me an anecdote or two about speed bumps that they encountered in their own adult life.

Correct, people are making a lot of weird excuses in this thread. It is not normal to not graduate on time at the top 50 or so universities. Those universities have 90+% graduation rates. Kids come in with tons of AP credits, a lot of kids finish early and do study abroad trips. It was reported in NYT and WSJ that college kids loved remote coursework because it was so easy and they could load up on credits and get easy As.

So what. It is still none of OP’s business. If they wanted OP to know they would have shared. If OP thinks there may be a problem that the family has not shared with OP, all the more reason NOT to ask.

[Anonymous]

Why not just be normal? "Hey Gavin, how's school going?"

Then he can say "Great! You know what else is great? This dip Aunt Wendy made. I'm going to get more. Want anything?" if he doesn't want to talk about it.

Or he can say "It's okay. I'm a little bummed - I was supposed to graduate this year but because of the pandemic I wound up a year behind so am going to be a super senior." And then you can be kind and say "You're always super in my book, Gavin! And LOTS of people fell behind because of the pandemic - don't worry about it."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not just be normal? "Hey Gavin, how's school going?"

Then he can say "Great! You know what else is great? This dip Aunt Wendy made. I'm going to get more. Want anything?" if he doesn't want to talk about it.

Or he can say "It's okay. I'm a little bummed - I was supposed to graduate this year but because of the pandemic I wound up a year behind so am going to be a super senior." And then you can be kind and say "You're always super in my book, Gavin! And LOTS of people fell behind because of the pandemic - don't worry about it."

This is the correct answer.

[Anonymous]

You aren't concerned, you are nosy. I'm sure once you get several bottles of wine in you, you will embarrass yourself and ask.

[Anonymous]

You are not curious. You are nosy. If you even slightly hint you went searching for answers to your 'curiosity' you will come off looking way worse than anthing you assume of them.

[Anonymous]

welp, it took me 14 years to work my way through school. Not everyone does the four year plan--for a variety of reasons that could include cost, maturity, family support, depression or other illness, pandemic, needing a break etc. It's ok to ask how's he doing, and what he's up to, but it's not ok to ask why he isn't graduating according to your timeline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Week-long extended family festivities at beach homes the family owns, plus a rental. Lots of socializing. My brother-in-law's son is the oldest out of the group of cousins including our kids, and he was supposed to graduate from college this spring. His mother tends to overshare on Facebook, so it was noticeable that there was nothing about his graduation ceremony. Curious, I looked him up on LinkedIn and not only is there no graduation listed, zero summer internships are listed either. He attends an excellent university where taking longer than four years is very abnormal. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable but at the same time I am concerned and would like to know what is going on.[/quote]

You are not concerned. You are judgy as hell and wish to pry and make your nephew feel bad. It is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I graduated from Princeton way back in the late 00s when there was no pandemic closures or anything, I just messed up a course credit transfer and was short a credit at graduation and had to take one more credit over the summer. I think the date on my diploma is some random day when the registrar finally processed my credit. I walked with my class but my mom made it clear that she would not be celebrating my graduation and that I had caused her deep shame. She still cries during graduation season and will call me and say “you never gave me the gradation I deserved!”. I was not first generation college and I paid for school with loans and grants, so it’s not like she paid for it. Anyway, it was not normal to not graduate with your class at Princeton at the time and my mom still refuses to talk about anything from that era because I embarrassed her.

Your nephew may or may not be in a similar situation. You can bring it up 1:1 with him but definitely not in a large group or in front of his mom! Sounds like she is a lot to handle and whatever his situation is- good, bad, neutral- she sees it as a negative.

I would have appreciated a kind person acknowledging the weirdness to me, helping me talk through my disappointment (in myself, the situation, and my mom’s reaction), and giving me an anecdote or two about speed bumps that they encountered in their own adult life.

Correct, people are making a lot of weird excuses in this thread. It is not normal to not graduate on time at the top 50 or so universities. Those universities have 90+% graduation rates. Kids come in with tons of AP credits, a lot of kids finish early and do study abroad trips. It was reported in NYT and WSJ that college kids loved remote coursework because it was so easy and they could load up on credits and get easy As.

Something is wrong with you. I'm going to guess you DON"T have college aged kids. Graduating in 5 years is NORMAL. My kid graduated from an Ivy this year and there were a ton of kids that did a gap years because of Covid. You're messed up to be looking for a negative story in all of this. Apparently the FAMILY doesn't trust you or you would already know the entire story. Instead you stalk a kid. Gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I graduated from Princeton way back in the late 00s when there was no pandemic closures or anything, I just messed up a course credit transfer and was short a credit at graduation and had to take one more credit over the summer. I think the date on my diploma is some random day when the registrar finally processed my credit. I walked with my class but my mom made it clear that she would not be celebrating my graduation and that I had caused her deep shame. She still cries during graduation season and will call me and say “you never gave me the gradation I deserved!”. I was not first generation college and I paid for school with loans and grants, so it’s not like she paid for it. Anyway, it was not normal to not graduate with your class at Princeton at the time and my mom still refuses to talk about anything from that era because I embarrassed her.

Your nephew may or may not be in a similar situation. You can bring it up 1:1 with him but definitely not in a large group or in front of his mom! Sounds like she is a lot to handle and whatever his situation is- good, bad, neutral- she sees it as a negative.

I would have appreciated a kind person acknowledging the weirdness to me, helping me talk through my disappointment (in myself, the situation, and my mom’s reaction), and giving me an anecdote or two about speed bumps that they encountered in their own adult life.

Sweet Jesus

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just have a normal conversation with him! Most normal conversations i have with people I don't see very often involve asking them what they are up to and what is going on with their lives. Then see how he answers. If he does not bring it up, I would not bring it up either.

+1 I can't imagine seeing a college-aged nephew and not asking "how's school?" He'll either tell you he's having a hard time and taking longer to graduate, or he switched majors or is double-majoring or something, or he studied abroad and didn't get all the required credits, or that he quietly graduated early and is building a company in his parents' basement.

If you care about the kid talk to the kid. If you care about embarrassing his mom for being proud of her kid on Facebook in the past, I guess you'll probably find some way to do that.

+1. Ask your nephew. Just ask him how school is going. There can be a lot of reasons he didn't graduate (like taking an extra semester to finish a double major or something), so I wouldn't assume there is something wrong. How old are your own kids? Young? You'll find as your kids get older you share less about them. Your nephew is an adult. It is appropriate that his parents aren't oversharing information about him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend is like this and I noticed when she didn't post about her son's graduation from HS. Turns out he transferred to a private and then repeated a grade. She was very secretive about it until son got into an amazing college and then the posting started up again.

IDK, perhaps your friend was deferring to her son's wishes. While I know a number of families where the son transferred to a private and repeated a grade, some did not say right off the bat that was happening, but only when there might have been a benign follow up question or comment.