MIL mad that we changed the door code without telling her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are just creating issues where they don’t need to exist. You said yourself she left the house with your not knowing she was there. She’s not trashing the place, forgetting to lock the door, or doing much of anything probably. I imagine she uses the bathroom, takes a cat nap or watches tv on the couch, drinks some water or grabs a soda and leaves. That’s what mine usually does. Stop making it an issue and let her in. I would much rather give my mother a key than have her drive back home if she needs a rest. That’s just terrible for you not to be mindful of her safety and well-being as she gets older.

+1 THIS

Just hope your MIL doesn’t have an accident driving home. You’ll end up taking care of her and everyday wishing you had just given her the code.

[Anonymous]

I think some of you, including OP, are missing two things:

1. Why do you feel so weird about a close relative entering without permission? It's not like she stole or snooped.

In some families, that's just normal. I let myself into my parents' apartment without "permission", because I have tacit blanket permission. I would never think of ASKING my parents to let me know when they arrive in my house, because in my mind, of course they can come whenever! I would never think of asking my children, once they're adults, to let me know when they drop in. They're welcome at any time.

So perhaps this poor MIL thinks that way too, especially as she's been helpful to you in the past feeding your cat, etc. Maybe it did not cross her mind that you'd find it so rude and boundary-crossing.

2. Going forward, if my kids or parents kicked up a huge fuss because I came in without their express and single-use permission, I would think twice about helping them in the future. I would be really hurt that they believe I'm not trustworthy.



So just think about what you're doing to your relationship with your MIL, if she's been a reliable person so far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I would be happy to let my MIL or parents use my house in my absence so they could relax a bit and use the bathroom -
at their age, they need to go more frequently!

All I can assume is that your relationship is fraught already, since your MIL has been letting herself in without telling you. Why would she do that? If you don't trust her, you can't let her in, but merely going by your first post, it seems as though you're over-reacting, and not letting a frail old lady have a well-earned rest.

OP here. We did up until now have a good relationship and we help her out a lot, and have always appreciated when we fed our cat and brought in packages while we were on vacation. In fact, we once asked her to stop by to feed the cat for two days, and she said would it be OK if I just spent the weekend there so I won’t have to drive and we said of course! We help her out a lot but have never entered her home without her knowledge. We even hosted a friend of hers who lives pretty close to us who had water damage in our basement. We had never even met the friend but were happy to help out a friend of MIL’s.

Had she asked us first or even told us after the fact, of course we would have been fine with her taking a break at our house. As to your “why would she do that” question…well, exactly!

You can kiss that relationship goodbye.

LOL. If MIL wants to lose a relationship over her violating someone’s privacy, then she can enjoy dying alone. Clearly OP and her husband have other friends and family members to occasionally water the plants and feed the cat. Sounds like MIL is cutting off her nose to spite her face. A simple apology and a promise not to enter the home without either asking fist or at least informing after could have kept things running smoothly. The one who needs the relationship and the help more is MIL, so if she wants to be estranged over this, that’s on her…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are just creating issues where they don’t need to exist. You said yourself she left the house with your not knowing she was there. She’s not trashing the place, forgetting to lock the door, or doing much of anything probably. I imagine she uses the bathroom, takes a cat nap or watches tv on the couch, drinks some water or grabs a soda and leaves. That’s what mine usually does. Stop making it an issue and let her in. I would much rather give my mother a key than have her drive back home if she needs a rest. That’s just terrible for you not to be mindful of her safety and well-being as she gets older.

+1 THIS

Just hope your MIL doesn’t have an accident driving home. You’ll end up taking care of her and everyday wishing you had just given her the code.

This comment is passive aggressive guilt tripping.

If MIL wants to stop by whenever for a break all she has to do is ask “hey, I’m really sorry I didn’t ask earlier. I realize now I was mindlessly making an assumption and I can understand why it would make you feel uncomfortable and disrespected. I’m sorry I never asked you and I don’t want to make you feel that way. Would you mind if I used your house for a bathroom or rest break if you are oot and I happen to be in the neighborhood.”

Son and dil : “thank you for your apology and understanding what went wrong here. Of course you can use our bathroom if we are oot and you are nearby. Here is a special code just for you.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP.

Why are people protesting that MIL should be able to do this, when it's not the *doing* of it that's the problem, but the doing of it *secretively* plus getting mad when the secretive part was unintentionally taken away from her?

Are people deliberately misreading the situation to feign outrage, or are people just misreading? Or do people have no sense of logic?

Pretty sure a lot of MILs or MILs-to-be are getting pretty upset at the knowledge that they don’t rule the roost anymore. Ask before entering someone’s home, people. Pretty basic stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I think some of you, including OP, are missing two things:

1. Why do you feel so weird about a close relative entering without permission? It's not like she stole or snooped.

In some families, that's just normal. I let myself into my parents' apartment without "permission", because I have tacit blanket permission. I would never think of ASKING my parents to let me know when they arrive in my house, because in my mind, of course they can come whenever! I would never think of asking my children, once they're adults, to let me know when they drop in. They're welcome at any time.

So perhaps this poor MIL thinks that way too, especially as she's been helpful to you in the past feeding your cat, etc. Maybe it did not cross her mind that you'd find it so rude and boundary-crossing.

2. Going forward, if my kids or parents kicked up a huge fuss because I came in without their express and single-use permission, I would think twice about helping them in the future. I would be really hurt that they believe I'm not trustworthy.



So just think about what you're doing to your relationship with your MIL, if she's been a reliable person so far.

What if it’s not about trust but just having healthy boundaries and good communication? If your MIL came by and brought in your mail while you were oot, it wouldn’t occur to you as to wonder why she didn’t mention it or ask? Wouldn’t you come home and wonder why your mail was inside?

Also, what if you and DH were having a moment in the bedroom? You are okay with your mom or mil just showing up and poking around?

This just isn’t how boundaries work for most people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are just creating issues where they don’t need to exist. You said yourself she left the house with your not knowing she was there. She’s not trashing the place, forgetting to lock the door, or doing much of anything probably. I imagine she uses the bathroom, takes a cat nap or watches tv on the couch, drinks some water or grabs a soda and leaves. That’s what mine usually does. Stop making it an issue and let her in. I would much rather give my mother a key than have her drive back home if she needs a rest. That’s just terrible for you not to be mindful of her safety and well-being as she gets older.

Name one reason why she couldn’t have asked permission before doing this. Name one.

Name one reason why if she did this she could not have told them about it after the fact. Name one.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are just creating issues where they don’t need to exist. You said yourself she left the house with your not knowing she was there. She’s not trashing the place, forgetting to lock the door, or doing much of anything probably. I imagine she uses the bathroom, takes a cat nap or watches tv on the couch, drinks some water or grabs a soda and leaves. That’s what mine usually does. Stop making it an issue and let her in. I would much rather give my mother a key than have her drive back home if she needs a rest. That’s just terrible for you not to be mindful of her safety and well-being as she gets older.

+1 THIS

Just hope your MIL doesn’t have an accident driving home. You’ll end up taking care of her and everyday wishing you had just given her the code.

MIL would be welcome to use the house whenever if she had simply asked first or even informed after. A simple apology and explanation and promise not to do it again without informing them would have kept her access intact. And if MIL is so bad off that she’d have an accident driving home, she shouldn’t be driving, point blank period. You tried it, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I think some of you, including OP, are missing two things:

1. Why do you feel so weird about a close relative entering without permission? It's not like she stole or snooped.

In some families, that's just normal. I let myself into my parents' apartment without "permission", because I have tacit blanket permission. I would never think of ASKING my parents to let me know when they arrive in my house, because in my mind, of course they can come whenever! I would never think of asking my children, once they're adults, to let me know when they drop in. They're welcome at any time.

So perhaps this poor MIL thinks that way too, especially as she's been helpful to you in the past feeding your cat, etc. Maybe it did not cross her mind that you'd find it so rude and boundary-crossing.

2. Going forward, if my kids or parents kicked up a huge fuss because I came in without their express and single-use permission, I would think twice about helping them in the future. I would be really hurt that they believe I'm not trustworthy.

So just think about what you're doing to your relationship with your MIL, if she's been a reliable person so far.

LOL. MIL is lucky she didn’t walk in on an afternoon delight. Whatever, you’re a boundary stomper and likely a snooper. Don’t bother responding: I don’t converse with trashy people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're not overreacting. It's a violation of the social contract. She had the code with the understanding she would only use it under certain circumstances. It is common courtesy to inform/ask someone to visit your home, especially when you aren't there. That she never mentioned she was going into your home while you weren't there is really odd. Her outrage at no longer having the code tells you all you need to know.

100%. If she had apologized and backed down and explained that she really relies on stopping by to use the restroom or take a break before driving again, maybe she could earn some grace. But her being mad at you and DH is beyond and shows you that you are right not to give her the new code. She brought this on herself. She could have asked first, or told you that she stopped by, or been contrite about the violation. These are appropriate consequences.

+1

[Anonymous]

Maybe this is a Jewish thing but of course you let your MIL have the door code in case she needs to use the bathroom or whatever. Who cares? Why do you need to know??? She’s your family. What is wrong with you people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I think some of you, including OP, are missing two things:

1. Why do you feel so weird about a close relative entering without permission? It's not like she stole or snooped.

In some families, that's just normal. I let myself into my parents' apartment without "permission", because I have tacit blanket permission. I would never think of ASKING my parents to let me know when they arrive in my house, because in my mind, of course they can come whenever! I would never think of asking my children, once they're adults, to let me know when they drop in. They're welcome at any time.

So perhaps this poor MIL thinks that way too, especially as she's been helpful to you in the past feeding your cat, etc. Maybe it did not cross her mind that you'd find it so rude and boundary-crossing.

2. Going forward, if my kids or parents kicked up a huge fuss because I came in without their express and single-use permission, I would think twice about helping them in the future. I would be really hurt that they believe I'm not trustworthy.



So just think about what you're doing to your relationship with your MIL, if she's been a reliable person so far.

Sure it did. That’s why she never told them about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are just creating issues where they don’t need to exist. You said yourself she left the house with your not knowing she was there. She’s not trashing the place, forgetting to lock the door, or doing much of anything probably. I imagine she uses the bathroom, takes a cat nap or watches tv on the couch, drinks some water or grabs a soda and leaves. That’s what mine usually does. Stop making it an issue and let her in. I would much rather give my mother a key than have her drive back home if she needs a rest. That’s just terrible for you not to be mindful of her safety and well-being as she gets older.

Name one reason why she couldn’t have asked permission before doing this. Name one.

Name one reason why if she did this she could not have told them about it after the fact. Name one.

+1 OP did say that when her MIL was going to stop by while they were home she always let them know. But she doesn’t mention it the times she knows they’re not there? That’s weird. Even if she left it perfectly fine she knows what she was doing was wrong.

[Anonymous]

The fact that she has been doing it secretively makes me think she has also been snooping around while she is there.

[Anonymous]

She never mentioned it before. There is a reason why. She should have kept silent when her secret plan no longer worked. That should have been her time to request popping by to use the washroom on occasion if needed.