Rude comments by childfree friend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me preface this by saying I love this friend, and I don't want to ruin our friendship because I am very lonely. But she's continually making comments like "I am so glad I don't have kids" and "It must be so gross cleaning up a boy's toilet, I'm so glad I don't have to do that." I never even mentioned cleaning toilets! I never even complain about child-rearing, period. How do I respond to comments like these?

My childfree friend once said to me, "I didn't realize how hard it was having kids until I observed you (and dh) with your kids." I felt embarrassed and insulted, but she is my friend and I trust she meant no offense. Childfree adults have no idea what it feels like to have a child and no way can they understand how changing your own kid's diaper is not gross, it is standard care. The reward is the joy, love and smiles they bring into your life.

How in the WORLD is that insulting?

She said we make parenting look difficult, essentially. We have a child centered home where the kids' needs and feelings are considered in our choices, etc. In our style of parenting, there are no selfish parental indulgences if they would interfere with the kids' needs or care. My friend is spontaneous, often going out of town on a whim. She also sleeps until 11am on weekends. I was up with the kids at the crack of dawn with the kids in those days.

Right. Does that not sound difficult to you? It sounds like a difficult model that you've embraced because you think it's worthy. But don't you think getting up with the kids at the crack of dawn and not having any parental indulgences is, by its very definition, difficult?!

Did you want her to say that you made it look easy when you'd made so much sacrifice? Or just not to notice or comment at all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me preface this by saying I love this friend, and I don't want to ruin our friendship because I am very lonely. But she's continually making comments like "I am so glad I don't have kids" and "It must be so gross cleaning up a boy's toilet, I'm so glad I don't have to do that." I never even mentioned cleaning toilets! I never even complain about child-rearing, period. How do I respond to comments like these?

My childfree friend once said to me, "I didn't realize how hard it was having kids until I observed you (and dh) with your kids." I felt embarrassed and insulted, but she is my friend and I trust she meant no offense. Childfree adults have no idea what it feels like to have a child and no way can they understand how changing your own kid's diaper is not gross, it is standard care. The reward is the joy, love and smiles they bring into your life.

How in the WORLD is that insulting?

She said we make parenting look difficult, essentially. We have a child centered home where the kids' needs and feelings are considered in our choices, etc. In our style of parenting, there are no selfish parental indulgences if they would interfere with the kids' needs or care. My friend is spontaneous, often going out of town on a whim. She also sleeps until 11am on weekends. I was up with the kids at the crack of dawn with the kids in those days.

DP here. You've overlaid an insult on top of what most people would consider a compliment. It wasn't that you made parenting look difficult. It's that she never considered all of the work that goes into parenting until she observed it through you. She went from a point of ignorance on a subject (child rearing) to a point of knowledge and you helped with that education. It wasn't judgmental or critical, but you framed it as such and that was a problem of framing on your part. There are many people who do not know much about a given subject, even a common one, until someone in their sphere experiences or shares their journey or experience. And then, they learn. And frequently, the learning shows the many things they had never considered. For someone who has never had to do any form of childcare, they could make the assumption that since so many people willingly go through with it, that it isn't that hard. And it can be eye opening just how many details, complications, and issues come up and that have to be resolved.

Rather than take umbrage from something like that, you need to reframe it, that your friend is now more informed about all that goes with childcare because of her observation of your journey. For most people, they would say that your friend gained a newfound respect for what you and all parents go through in raising children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me preface this by saying I love this friend, and I don't want to ruin our friendship because I am very lonely. But she's continually making comments like "I am so glad I don't have kids" and "It must be so gross cleaning up a boy's toilet, I'm so glad I don't have to do that." I never even mentioned cleaning toilets! I never even complain about child-rearing, period. How do I respond to comments like these?

My childfree friend once said to me, "I didn't realize how hard it was having kids until I observed you (and dh) with your kids." I felt embarrassed and insulted, but she is my friend and I trust she meant no offense. Childfree adults have no idea what it feels like to have a child and no way can they understand how changing your own kid's diaper is not gross, it is standard care. The reward is the joy, love and smiles they bring into your life.

How in the WORLD is that insulting?

She said we make parenting look difficult, essentially. We have a child centered home where the kids' needs and feelings are considered in our choices, etc. In our style of parenting, there are no selfish parental indulgences if they would interfere with the kids' needs or care. My friend is spontaneous, often going out of town on a whim. She also sleeps until 11am on weekends. I was up with the kids at the crack of dawn with the kids in those days.

Did she actually say that, or did you somehow infer that? Honestly, you sound like you are projecting. It actually sounds like she was trying to positively affirm that yes, it is difficult and she didn’t realize it until she observed it.

I don’t know why people look for reasons to be offended. I have all kinds of friends. Some with kids and some without. Never had these sorts of issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me preface this by saying I love this friend, and I don't want to ruin our friendship because I am very lonely. But she's continually making comments like "I am so glad I don't have kids" and "It must be so gross cleaning up a boy's toilet, I'm so glad I don't have to do that." I never even mentioned cleaning toilets! I never even complain about child-rearing, period. How do I respond to comments like these?

My childfree friend once said to me, "I didn't realize how hard it was having kids until I observed you (and dh) with your kids." I felt embarrassed and insulted, but she is my friend and I trust she meant no offense. Childfree adults have no idea what it feels like to have a child and no way can they understand how changing your own kid's diaper is not gross, it is standard care. The reward is the joy, love and smiles they bring into your life.

How in the WORLD is that insulting?

She said we make parenting look difficult, essentially. We have a child centered home where the kids' needs and feelings are considered in our choices, etc. In our style of parenting, there are no selfish parental indulgences if they would interfere with the kids' needs or care. My friend is spontaneous, often going out of town on a whim. She also sleeps until 11am on weekends. I was up with the kids at the crack of dawn with the kids in those days.

Did she actually say that, or did you somehow infer that? Honestly, you sound like you are projecting. It actually sounds like she was trying to positively affirm that yes, it is difficult and she didn’t realize it until she observed it.

I don’t know why people look for reasons to be offended. I have all kinds of friends. Some with kids and some without. Never had these sorts of issues.

I *felt* insulted, BUT quickly reminded myself that she is my friend and meant no harm. I only laughed when she said it, as if it were a joke. It is difficult to put someone else's needs ahead of your own. I respect the hell out of people who not only can't do that, but who acknowledge that they can't do that and decide not to have kids. I can see no other way of raising my kids. It is a short term gig and they will leave home in a few short years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me preface this by saying I love this friend, and I don't want to ruin our friendship because I am very lonely. But she's continually making comments like "I am so glad I don't have kids" and "It must be so gross cleaning up a boy's toilet, I'm so glad I don't have to do that." I never even mentioned cleaning toilets! I never even complain about child-rearing, period. How do I respond to comments like these?

My childfree friend once said to me, "I didn't realize how hard it was having kids until I observed you (and dh) with your kids." I felt embarrassed and insulted, but she is my friend and I trust she meant no offense. Childfree adults have no idea what it feels like to have a child and no way can they understand how changing your own kid's diaper is not gross, it is standard care. The reward is the joy, love and smiles they bring into your life.

How in the WORLD is that insulting?

She said we make parenting look difficult, essentially. We have a child centered home where the kids' needs and feelings are considered in our choices, etc. In our style of parenting, there are no selfish parental indulgences if they would interfere with the kids' needs or care. My friend is spontaneous, often going out of town on a whim. She also sleeps until 11am on weekends. I was up with the kids at the crack of dawn with the kids in those days.

Did she actually say that, or did you somehow infer that? Honestly, you sound like you are projecting. It actually sounds like she was trying to positively affirm that yes, it is difficult and she didn’t realize it until she observed it.

I don’t know why people look for reasons to be offended. I have all kinds of friends. Some with kids and some without. Never had these sorts of issues.

I *felt* insulted, BUT quickly reminded myself that she is my friend and meant no harm. I only laughed when she said it, as if it were a joke. It is difficult to put someone else's needs ahead of your own. I respect the hell out of people who not only can't do that, but who acknowledge that they can't do that and decide not to have kids. I can see no other way of raising my kids. It is a short term gig and they will leave home in a few short years.

NP but why did you feel insulted? That sounds like a compliment to me. She observed that you are making sacrifices to raise good adults and that that is hard work. Why on earth are you offended by someone telling you they see the hard work you put into something you value? Also every response you make is a dig a child free people implying that they’re lazy/selfish so I don’t really think you as should go around taking any how they insult you. -mom of two

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“I find the funny and cute times make up for the potty cleaning! Now tell me more about your trip to Iceland…”

What is it with these weird abrupt transition offerings? "um...how about some of those yummy apples now." what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“I find the funny and cute times make up for the potty cleaning! Now tell me more about your trip to Iceland…”

What is it with these weird abrupt transition offerings? "um...how about some of those yummy apples now." what?

The abrupt transition signals the topic is closed. Op doesn’t want to talk more about how tedious her friend thinks caring for her child is. I actually think transitioning to something pleasant to her friend is kind.

[Anonymous]

OP, yiu sound like one of those parents who treats parenting with all the reverence of a born again secret cult member, that no one can possibly understand what an amazing, joyous, amazing, position it it is.

You took a compliment about how difficult parenting appears and turned it into a criticism.

Maybe I’m a different kind of parent, and I love my child like the sun and moon, and I wouldn’t change it for the world, but parenting is difficult some times. A lot of times. Yes, diapers are the standard of care for a period, but changing them is still gross. Scrubbing toilets is not my hobby, and I have to scrub them more with kids than I do with just adults around. There are mysterious sticky fingerprints in places I can’t fathom sticky fingerprints being. I haven’t had a full nights sleep in years.

Acting like your friend can’t appreciate to any degree how hard parenting is because she doesn’t have kids is disingenuous. No, you never get the full idea, but she obviously get it enough that she is trying to commiserate with you in the only way she knows how - by indicating how hard she sees you working. You’re the one choosing to be offended, and really, I think you just judge her for being child free because your new religion is children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me preface this by saying I love this friend, and I don't want to ruin our friendship because I am very lonely. But she's continually making comments like "I am so glad I don't have kids" and "It must be so gross cleaning up a boy's toilet, I'm so glad I don't have to do that." I never even mentioned cleaning toilets! I never even complain about child-rearing, period. How do I respond to comments like these?

My childfree friend once said to me, "I didn't realize how hard it was having kids until I observed you (and dh) with your kids." I felt embarrassed and insulted, but she is my friend and I trust she meant no offense. Childfree adults have no idea what it feels like to have a child and no way can they understand how changing your own kid's diaper is not gross, it is standard care. The reward is the joy, love and smiles they bring into your life.

How in the WORLD is that insulting?

She said we make parenting look difficult, essentially. We have a child centered home where the kids' needs and feelings are considered in our choices, etc. In our style of parenting, there are no selfish parental indulgences if they would interfere with the kids' needs or care. My friend is spontaneous, often going out of town on a whim. She also sleeps until 11am on weekends. I was up with the kids at the crack of dawn with the kids in those days.

Childfree woman here (and yes, I'm childfree - not childless. Childless implies I'm lacking something. I consciously chose to not have children). Parenting IS difficult. Until my friends started having kids, I'd never really thought much about how hard it is either. I'm sure I've made similar comments. That's not a reflection on their parenting skills. It's an acknowledgment that parenting is a hard job. There's a reason I don't want to do it! It's not an insult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me preface this by saying I love this friend, and I don't want to ruin our friendship because I am very lonely. But she's continually making comments like "I am so glad I don't have kids" and "It must be so gross cleaning up a boy's toilet, I'm so glad I don't have to do that." I never even mentioned cleaning toilets! I never even complain about child-rearing, period. How do I respond to comments like these?

My childfree friend once said to me, "I didn't realize how hard it was having kids until I observed you (and dh) with your kids." I felt embarrassed and insulted, but she is my friend and I trust she meant no offense. Childfree adults have no idea what it feels like to have a child and no way can they understand how changing your own kid's diaper is not gross, it is standard care. The reward is the joy, love and smiles they bring into your life.

How in the WORLD is that insulting?

She said we make parenting look difficult, essentially. We have a child centered home where the kids' needs and feelings are considered in our choices, etc. In our style of parenting, there are no selfish parental indulgences if they would interfere with the kids' needs or care. My friend is spontaneous, often going out of town on a whim. She also sleeps until 11am on weekends. I was up with the kids at the crack of dawn with the kids in those days.

DP here. You've overlaid an insult on top of what most people would consider a compliment. It wasn't that you made parenting look difficult. It's that she never considered all of the work that goes into parenting until she observed it through you. She went from a point of ignorance on a subject (child rearing) to a point of knowledge and you helped with that education. It wasn't judgmental or critical, but you framed it as such and that was a problem of framing on your part. There are many people who do not know much about a given subject, even a common one, until someone in their sphere experiences or shares their journey or experience. And then, they learn. And frequently, the learning shows the many things they had never considered. For someone who has never had to do any form of childcare, they could make the assumption that since so many people willingly go through with it, that it isn't that hard. And it can be eye opening just how many details, complications, and issues come up and that have to be resolved.

Rather than take umbrage from something like that, you need to reframe it, that your friend is now more informed about all that goes with childcare because of her observation of your journey. For most people, they would say that your friend gained a newfound respect for what you and all parents go through in raising children.

Very well said!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, yiu sound like one of those parents who treats parenting with all the reverence of a born again secret cult member, that no one can possibly understand what an amazing, joyous, amazing, position it it is.

You took a compliment about how difficult parenting appears and turned it into a criticism.

Maybe I’m a different kind of parent, and I love my child like the sun and moon, and I wouldn’t change it for the world, but parenting is difficult some times. A lot of times. Yes, diapers are the standard of care for a period, but changing them is still gross. Scrubbing toilets is not my hobby, and I have to scrub them more with kids than I do with just adults around. There are mysterious sticky fingerprints in places I can’t fathom sticky fingerprints being. I haven’t had a full nights sleep in years.

Acting like your friend can’t appreciate to any degree how hard parenting is because she doesn’t have kids is disingenuous. No, you never get the full idea, but she obviously get it enough that she is trying to commiserate with you in the only way she knows how - by indicating how hard she sees you working. You’re the one choosing to be offended, and really, I think you just judge her for being child free because your new religion is children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me preface this by saying I love this friend, and I don't want to ruin our friendship because I am very lonely. But she's continually making comments like "I am so glad I don't have kids" and "It must be so gross cleaning up a boy's toilet, I'm so glad I don't have to do that." I never even mentioned cleaning toilets! I never even complain about child-rearing, period. How do I respond to comments like these?

My childfree friend once said to me, "I didn't realize how hard it was having kids until I observed you (and dh) with your kids." I felt embarrassed and insulted, but she is my friend and I trust she meant no offense. Childfree adults have no idea what it feels like to have a child and no way can they understand how changing your own kid's diaper is not gross, it is standard care. The reward is the joy, love and smiles they bring into your life.

How in the WORLD is that insulting?

She’s definitely got the better life , stop being jealous


She said we make parenting look difficult, essentially. We have a child centered home where the kids' needs and feelings are considered in our choices, etc. In our style of parenting, there are no selfish parental indulgences if they would interfere with the kids' needs or care. My friend is spontaneous, often going out of town on a whim. She also sleeps until 11am on weekends. I was up with the kids at the crack of dawn with the kids in those days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, yiu sound like one of those parents who treats parenting with all the reverence of a born again secret cult member, that no one can possibly understand what an amazing, joyous, amazing, position it it is.

You took a compliment about how difficult parenting appears and turned it into a criticism.

Maybe I’m a different kind of parent, and I love my child like the sun and moon, and I wouldn’t change it for the world, but parenting is difficult some times. A lot of times. Yes, diapers are the standard of care for a period, but changing them is still gross. Scrubbing toilets is not my hobby, and I have to scrub them more with kids than I do with just adults around. There are mysterious sticky fingerprints in places I can’t fathom sticky fingerprints being. I haven’t had a full nights sleep in years.

Acting like your friend can’t appreciate to any degree how hard parenting is because she doesn’t have kids is disingenuous. No, you never get the full idea, but she obviously get it enough that she is trying to commiserate with you in the only way she knows how - by indicating how hard she sees you working. You’re the one choosing to be offended, and really, I think you just judge her for being child free because your new religion is children.

+1 You’re definitely in the wrong on this one op, maybe you should only have friends with children since you’re so quick to judge those without children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You love and accept her just the way she is and go about your day, she is free to express her disgust with tasks that come with child rearing

+1 If OP wants to be the free speech police she should get a job with Biden’s ministry of truth.

How sad to sockpuppet like six posts in a row.

Your crazy is showing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you feel you have to accept your friend’s rudeness in order to maintain the friendship? I have several CFBC friends that I see without my kids present because they aren’t kid people. They have never said anything like this to me. Why can’t you tell her “hey, can you not yuck my yum? I love having kids, and those minor things don’t bother me”.

Honestly, we're close enough that I probably could. I just don't want to seem rude.

You know what’s rude? Not being clear and honest with a good friend. Wouldn’t you want her to tell you if you were doing something that was bothering her? In between the ripping her a new one and just letting this pass is a middle space where you can be straightforward with her about how her comments are landing with you.

It will be okay. Clear is kind.