Feeling kind of hurt but also paranoid

[Anonymous]

Op, you need to chill. Life is long. My dh and I have been married for 25 years and he does not have a particularly good relationship with his mom and I am often there as the buffer. For the past 15 or so years we have lived out of state so we see her together on visits (with our kids). Recently, dh was in town for business and had a free afternoon and had dinner at his mom’s house with his sister. Probably the first time in years just the three of them had dinner and dh said it was really nice. We are all getting older and I was really happy that the three of them had that time together. They needed it and I did not need to be there (nor did our kids). If your fmil is sick (and I certainly hope she isn’t), she may still want to tell her son alone. Even though she considers you part of the family, her son is her son and nothing will change that. You need to respect that bond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She probably wants to talk to him about something personal about HER, not you. Do not make this about your relationship with her, assumptions about visits, etc. You will understand this when you have your own older children. Sometimes you just want to talk to your child alone.

Yes I totally get that. I did apologize just now to my fiance for immediately taking it personally. I guess because it's the first time this specific request has come up in the 7 years we been together it threw me for a loop. We both also mutually agreed that maybe this is FMIL's veiled way of expressing she would like to see her son alone more often so I think once a month I am going to be purposely "busy" to give fiance and his mother that time alone as mother and son. Sorry for acting so crazy but I do appreciate you guys bringing me back to reality.

Aaaahhhh this is insane, if you aren’t a troll. She lives 15 minutes away! She should be able to see her son alone whenever she wants.

My parents live 30 min away, and if I had to bring my husband along to see them every single time (1x/week) lest he throw a big tantrum, we would not be together. Because that is ridiculously controlling and weird.

[Anonymous]

My DH has a good relationship with his mom and I do, too. I sometimes have to force him to take her out with just the two of them. It's not that he doesn't want to but he doesn't think about it. I don't always need to be underfoot and they need their 1:1.

So, when she's visiting, sometimes I'll shoo them out of the house and suggest her take her someplace nice for lunch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you the troll how makes up stories about their pathological insecurity regarding their future or present MIL?

Please stop.

It sounds familiar

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, you need to chill. Life is long. My dh and I have been married for 25 years and he does not have a particularly good relationship with his mom and I am often there as the buffer. For the past 15 or so years we have lived out of state so we see her together on visits (with our kids). Recently, dh was in town for business and had a free afternoon and had dinner at his mom’s house with his sister. Probably the first time in years just the three of them had dinner and dh said it was really nice. We are all getting older and I was really happy that the three of them had that time together. They needed it and I did not need to be there (nor did our kids). If your fmil is sick (and I certainly hope she isn’t), she may still want to tell her son alone. Even though she considers you part of the family, her son is her son and nothing will change that. You need to respect that bond.

I'm truly not trying to be smart but I am genuinely curious if your DH doesn't have a good relationship with his mom why did he make it a point to go visit her and how could it have been really nice? I'm just wondering if I read something wrong or there was a typo or..? I agree I definitely hope she isn't sick either because I love and care about her as well. There is a mother/son bond but there is also a bond between partners as well that needs to be respected. I never said nothing will change that bond so I'm not sure what your point is in pointing out the obvious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you need to chill. Life is long. My dh and I have been married for 25 years and he does not have a particularly good relationship with his mom and I am often there as the buffer. For the past 15 or so years we have lived out of state so we see her together on visits (with our kids). Recently, dh was in town for business and had a free afternoon and had dinner at his mom’s house with his sister. Probably the first time in years just the three of them had dinner and dh said it was really nice. We are all getting older and I was really happy that the three of them had that time together. They needed it and I did not need to be there (nor did our kids). If your fmil is sick (and I certainly hope she isn’t), she may still want to tell her son alone. Even though she considers you part of the family, her son is her son and nothing will change that. You need to respect that bond.

I'm truly not trying to be smart but I am genuinely curious if your DH doesn't have a good relationship with his mom why did he make it a point to go visit her and how could it have been really nice? I'm just wondering if I read something wrong or there was a typo or..? I agree I definitely hope she isn't sick either because I love and care about her as well. There is a mother/son bond but there is also a bond between partners as well that needs to be respected. I never said nothing will change that bond so I'm not sure what your point is in pointing out the obvious.

NP. Oof, you are really young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She probably wants to talk to him about something personal about HER, not you. Do not make this about your relationship with her, assumptions about visits, etc. You will understand this when you have your own older children. Sometimes you just want to talk to your child alone.

Yes I totally get that. I did apologize just now to my fiance for immediately taking it personally. I guess because it's the first time this specific request has come up in the 7 years we been together it threw me for a loop. We both also mutually agreed that maybe this is FMIL's veiled way of expressing she would like to see her son alone more often so I think once a month I am going to be purposely "busy" to give fiance and his mother that time alone as mother and son. Sorry for acting so crazy but I do appreciate you guys bringing me back to reality.

Aaaahhhh this is insane, if you aren’t a troll. She lives 15 minutes away! She should be able to see her son alone whenever she wants.

My parents live 30 min away, and if I had to bring my husband along to see them every single time (1x/week) lest he throw a big tantrum, we would not be together. Because that is ridiculously controlling and weird.

To be fair my fiance and I only see each other awake ranging anywhere from only 1-3 hours a night because of our jobs so naturally if we have dinner with family we go together. Of course if I already have other plans (like going out with a group of girlfriends or I have to work late) then of course he sometimes goes over and sees his mom alone it's just that the majority of the time it works out to where we go over together. My point is it is something that happens more organically not usually an outright request from his mom. I find it more strange that a lot of you expect that we should eat dinner or spend our evenings together separately so he could see his mom alone.

I don't know many men in serious committed relationships/marriages that make it a point to spend a ton of time alone with their mom instead of their partner. Most adults spend the majority of their
free time with their romantic partner or involves them in their family especially if their time together is already limited. Again it seems like there could be a cultural or regional difference at play here.


It honestly varies based on the week or the month how often my fiance sees his mom alone so I can't give you all a time frame of how often it happens. I was using once a month just as an example so that we can make it our business to make sure it happens often. I think this might have been his mom's way of expressing without coming out and directly saying it that she wishes her son came over alone more often. I hope this explanation I just gave helped clarify what I was trying to say a little better!

[Anonymous]

I love my SIL but REALLY enjoy having my brother to myself sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be worried that she is going to give him bad news like that she has cancer or something. My first thought would not be that it had something to do with me.

That's a good point and could be true but like I said after all these years and time together I know she considers me a part of his family and I don't think she would leave me out as her FDIL of something like that because I'm sure she knows my fiance would tell me and she would know news like this would effect me as well given that we are close. I highly doubt that's the case. IF we werent close I would be more inclined to agree.

I still talk to my own children, despite the fact that they are married. Wouldn't you expect this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She probably wants to talk to him about something personal about HER, not you. Do not make this about your relationship with her, assumptions about visits, etc. You will understand this when you have your own older children. Sometimes you just want to talk to your child alone.

Yes I totally get that. I did apologize just now to my fiance for immediately taking it personally. I guess because it's the first time this specific request has come up in the 7 years we been together it threw me for a loop. We both also mutually agreed that maybe this is FMIL's veiled way of expressing she would like to see her son alone more often so I think once a month I am going to be purposely "busy" to give fiance and his mother that time alone as mother and son. Sorry for acting so crazy but I do appreciate you guys bringing me back to reality.

Aaaahhhh this is insane, if you aren’t a troll. She lives 15 minutes away! She should be able to see her son alone whenever she wants.

My parents live 30 min away, and if I had to bring my husband along to see them every single time (1x/week) lest he throw a big tantrum, we would not be together. Because that is ridiculously controlling and weird.

To be fair my fiance and I only see each other awake ranging anywhere from only 1-3 hours a night because of our jobs so naturally if we have dinner with family we go together. Of course if I already have other plans (like going out with a group of girlfriends or I have to work late) then of course he sometimes goes over and sees his mom alone it's just that the majority of the time it works out to where we go over together. My point is it is something that happens more organically not usually an outright request from his mom. I find it more strange that a lot of you expect that we should eat dinner or spend our evenings together separately so he could see his mom alone.

I don't know many men in serious committed relationships/marriages that make it a point to spend a ton of time alone with their mom instead of their partner. Most adults spend the majority of their
free time with their romantic partner or involves them in their family especially if their time together is already limited. Again it seems like there could be a cultural or regional difference at play here.


It honestly varies based on the week or the month how often my fiance sees his mom alone so I can't give you all a time frame of how often it happens. I was using once a month just as an example so that we can make it our business to make sure it happens often. I think this might have been his mom's way of expressing without coming out and directly saying it that she wishes her son came over alone more often. I hope this explanation I just gave helped clarify what I was trying to say a little better!

So by your own confession she’s asked him once and only once over the course of almost a decade to come see her without you and
You are going ballistic over it. Get a flipping life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be worried that she is going to give him bad news like that she has cancer or something. My first thought would not be that it had something to do with me.

That's a good point and could be true but like I said after all these years and time together I know she considers me a part of his family and I don't think she would leave me out as her FDIL of something like that because I'm sure she knows my fiance would tell me and she would know news like this would effect me as well given that we are close. I highly doubt that's the case. IF we werent close I would be more inclined to agree.

You’re overthinking it. Sometimes parents just need to talk to their kid one-on-one.

Related, does your fiancé truly never get to see his mom by himself? You make it sound like it’s a really big deal that he would see his mom on his own.

Interesting choice of word by saying does fiance "get " to see his mom by himself. He isn't a child. At the end of the day if he chooses to see his mom alone or not that is on him as a grown man not on me. But anyways yes he does see his mom alone but not very often because naturally we visit family together usually. Because shocker my fiance wants his future wife with him when visiting family and friends.

I think a lot of people are missing the point that it isn't about the fact that he is seeing his mom alone as I have stated in a response above that he has seen his mom alone before it's more that his mom has never outright requested it and there was no context given. I thought his mom and I were close and she saw me as family.

Are you 12? Or 19? Seriously, please tell me you can’t be this obtuse.

When you have your own son someday, can you imagine ever wanting to spend time with him, just you two? If I thought that my son getting married meant that I would never have regular time just me & him together, that would be REALLY bleak.

And no, if I had cancer I would certainly not want to tell him and his wife together. That doesn’t mean I don’t consider her family. There are different degrees of family. You two aren’t sewn together for the rest of your Lives,

It’s not about you.

Though with this level of immaturity and insecurity, maybe it is?

[Anonymous]

So when are they meeting? Please report back on what the reason was.

[Anonymous]

OP, you keep mentioning cultural and regional differences- where are you from? In many cultures the mother is the matriarch, not the girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you keep mentioning cultural and regional differences- where are you from? In many cultures the mother is the matriarch, not the girlfriend.

First of all we are engaged to be married with a set wedding date. What does the mother being the matriarch have to do with anything? Are you really trying to imply that his mother should be more important than his own future wife? I definitely don't want to marry a man who would consider his mother more important than me (I know that isn't the case in my situation) just saying if that was the case I wouldn't want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be worried that she is going to give him bad news like that she has cancer or something. My first thought would not be that it had something to do with me.

That's a good point and could be true but like I said after all these years and time together I know she considers me a part of his family and I don't think she would leave me out as her FDIL of something like that because I'm sure she knows my fiance would tell me and she would know news like this would effect me as well given that we are close. I highly doubt that's the case. IF we werent close I would be more inclined to agree.

You’re overthinking it. Sometimes parents just need to talk to their kid one-on-one.

Related, does your fiancé truly never get to see his mom by himself? You make it sound like it’s a really big deal that he would see his mom on his own.

Interesting choice of word by saying does fiance "get " to see his mom by himself. He isn't a child. At the end of the day if he chooses to see his mom alone or not that is on him as a grown man not on me. But anyways yes he does see his mom alone but not very often because naturally we visit family together usually. Because shocker my fiance wants his future wife with him when visiting family and friends.

I think a lot of people are missing the point that it isn't about the fact that he is seeing his mom alone as I have stated in a response above that he has seen his mom alone before it's more that his mom has never outright requested it and there was no context given. I thought his mom and I were close and she saw me as family.

Are you 12? Or 19? Seriously, please tell me you can’t be this obtuse.

When you have your own son someday, can you imagine ever wanting to spend time with him, just you two? If I thought that my son getting married meant that I would never have regular time just me & him together, that would be REALLY bleak.

And no, if I had cancer I would certainly not want to tell him and his wife together. That doesn’t mean I don’t consider her family. There are different degrees of family. You two aren’t sewn together for the rest of your Lives,

It’s not about you.

Though with this level of immaturity and insecurity, maybe it is?

That's your daughter in law though. Why wouldn't you want to tell them as a couple? Do you really think your son wouldn't tell his own wife anyways?? What do you mean by different degrees of family? Please elaborate. Do you really rate all of your family members What do you mean by we aren't sewn together?