Our closest parent friends are becoming kind of intense parents. Anyone BTDT and have advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was very anti screen anti sugar when I had my first. My third child has candy often from parties, Halloween, Xmas, etc and I don’t care. When my oldest was 3, we had a friend whose daughter could bike up and down hills and I felt behind. My kids played tennis on a team but we didn’t spend that much effort while our friends had private coaches and were playing in tournaments. Now my kids are amazing bikers and play tennis all day.

There will be kids who excelled when they were young who don’t do much as teenagers. However, all the elite kids in high school all started when they were 5 or younger.

My husband pushes my kids at sports because they have raw talent and they enjoy it. It sounds like OP and her husband may not have anything specific they want their kids to try or do. This is the time to start.

I remember I once met a parent whose kid played ice hockey at age two! I thought she was joking when I met her but she wasn’t joking at all. My friends with kids in gymnastics seem to be pretty damn advanced by age 8.

Oh dear

Gotta start five years ago! Or you’re lame and forever behind and you ruined their potential! That’s the only way to live but jeez she’s just a custodian of raw talent maybe your kids lack raw talent mkay???

I am the pp. my oldest is now 13. We were very low key all through elementary. The kids who excel in whatever they do did start early. Many kids try different things in elementary but few excel. I don’t want to say my kids are behind but we are currently at a spring training camp and the coaches were shocked at how little my kids trained for their age.

Well that's a coach problem. Send them the stories about the rise in overuse injuries in the kids that specialize early and train too hard at a young age.

Or talk to psychologists about the problems caused by throwing kids into too many adult-led activities and sports so that they failure to develop important skills in self agency and independence.

The hard chargers may win in middle school or even high school, but life is a long game.

My kids play plenty in my opinion. We are at a place that trains elite athletes. I’m very impressed by them. My kids are not close to that level or at least not yet. These are kids who will be college D1 players or be pro one day. My kids are not that level. These are kids will go to Stanford type schools though.

My children are play and are good at several sports. They enjoy playing. We don’t push them. I’m not athletic at all. They also play musical instruments and do academic extracurriculars. I try not to talk about these things to others because people seem to get competitive.

“My kids will go to Stanford but these gross other parents get competitive, I must make them insecure because they’re not good or something I don’t get it.”

The self-awareness is the bow on the gift that is you, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was very anti screen anti sugar when I had my first. My third child has candy often from parties, Halloween, Xmas, etc and I don’t care. When my oldest was 3, we had a friend whose daughter could bike up and down hills and I felt behind. My kids played tennis on a team but we didn’t spend that much effort while our friends had private coaches and were playing in tournaments. Now my kids are amazing bikers and play tennis all day.

There will be kids who excelled when they were young who don’t do much as teenagers. However, all the elite kids in high school all started when they were 5 or younger.

My husband pushes my kids at sports because they have raw talent and they enjoy it. It sounds like OP and her husband may not have anything specific they want their kids to try or do. This is the time to start.

I remember I once met a parent whose kid played ice hockey at age two! I thought she was joking when I met her but she wasn’t joking at all. My friends with kids in gymnastics seem to be pretty damn advanced by age 8.

Oh dear

Gotta start five years ago! Or you’re lame and forever behind and you ruined their potential! That’s the only way to live but jeez she’s just a custodian of raw talent maybe your kids lack raw talent mkay???

I am the pp. my oldest is now 13. We were very low key all through elementary. The kids who excel in whatever they do did start early. Many kids try different things in elementary but few excel. I don’t want to say my kids are behind but we are currently at a spring training camp and the coaches were shocked at how little my kids trained for their age.

Well that's a coach problem. Send them the stories about the rise in overuse injuries in the kids that specialize early and train too hard at a young age.

Or talk to psychologists about the problems caused by throwing kids into too many adult-led activities and sports so that they failure to develop important skills in self agency and independence.

The hard chargers may win in middle school or even high school, but life is a long game.

My kids play plenty in my opinion. We are at a place that trains elite athletes. I’m very impressed by them. My kids are not close to that level or at least not yet. These are kids who will be college D1 players or be pro one day. My kids are not that level. These are kids will go to Stanford type schools though.

My children are play and are good at several sports. They enjoy playing. We don’t push them. I’m not athletic at all. They also play musical instruments and do academic extracurriculars. I try not to talk about these things to others because people seem to get competitive.

“My kids will go to Stanford but these gross other parents get competitive, I must make them insecure because they’re not good or something I don’t get it.”

The self-awareness is the bow on the gift that is you, PP.

I just said my kids aren’t at that level. The recruiter just went through the different tiers of athletes. There are some truly gifted athletes. My kids fall into the strong students with good athletic ability. The athletes are ranked so it is easy to see where you stand. I don’t expect my kids to be college recruits.

I know you are trying to knock us down for over working my kids but they love it. Kids who excel have to have passion for it.

Dh and I are both ivy educated.

[Anonymous]

OP - my kids are in college now - and many of the friends I made when our kids were babies and have stayed friends with all these years had the intense qualities you are describing. We are still friends with almost all of them to this day -- and I can honestly tell you that there is no rhyme or reason as to which kids turn out most successful in HS (public/parochial/independent) or college (state/private/ivy) given the parental style or even involvement in sports/academics/testing. Its sort of interesting actually. Don't overthink what others are doing - just do you - keep your head down and know that in the end a lot goes into how a kid "turns out" - and it has way less to do with you than you would probably like to think.

[Anonymous]

Just be confident in your choices. Then your friend’s choices for their children shouldn’t bother you.

Many of our friends and colleagues send their kids to private school. We can afford private. I’m sure they think it is odd that we don’t send our kids to private.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just be confident in your choices. Then your friend’s choices for their children shouldn’t bother you.

Many of our friends and colleagues send their kids to private school. We can afford private. I’m sure they think it is odd that we don’t send our kids to private.

I don't get the sense that the OP is bothered by the different choices, but by the fact that the couple (especially the dad) talk about them ALL the time, and obsess about them. That tendency can be very, very annoying. I'm reasonably confident in my parenting style (as much as a parent should be), but this kind of perseveration drives me up the wall. It's just irritating to be around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was very anti screen anti sugar when I had my first. My third child has candy often from parties, Halloween, Xmas, etc and I don’t care. When my oldest was 3, we had a friend whose daughter could bike up and down hills and I felt behind. My kids played tennis on a team but we didn’t spend that much effort while our friends had private coaches and were playing in tournaments. Now my kids are amazing bikers and play tennis all day.

There will be kids who excelled when they were young who don’t do much as teenagers. However, all the elite kids in high school all started when they were 5 or younger.

My husband pushes my kids at sports because they have raw talent and they enjoy it. It sounds like OP and her husband may not have anything specific they want their kids to try or do. This is the time to start.

I remember I once met a parent whose kid played ice hockey at age two! I thought she was joking when I met her but she wasn’t joking at all. My friends with kids in gymnastics seem to be pretty damn advanced by age 8.

Oh dear

Gotta start five years ago! Or you’re lame and forever behind and you ruined their potential! That’s the only way to live but jeez she’s just a custodian of raw talent maybe your kids lack raw talent mkay???

I am the pp. my oldest is now 13. We were very low key all through elementary. The kids who excel in whatever they do did start early. Many kids try different things in elementary but few excel. I don’t want to say my kids are behind but we are currently at a spring training camp and the coaches were shocked at how little my kids trained for their age.

Well that's a coach problem. Send them the stories about the rise in overuse injuries in the kids that specialize early and train too hard at a young age.

Or talk to psychologists about the problems caused by throwing kids into too many adult-led activities and sports so that they failure to develop important skills in self agency and independence.

The hard chargers may win in middle school or even high school, but life is a long game.

My kids play plenty in my opinion. We are at a place that trains elite athletes. I’m very impressed by them. My kids are not close to that level or at least not yet. These are kids who will be college D1 players or be pro one day. My kids are not that level. These are kids will go to Stanford type schools though.

My children are play and are good at several sports. They enjoy playing. We don’t push them. I’m not athletic at all. They also play musical instruments and do academic extracurriculars. I try not to talk about these things to others because people seem to get competitive.

“My kids will go to Stanford but these gross other parents get competitive, I must make them insecure because they’re not good or something I don’t get it.”

The self-awareness is the bow on the gift that is you, PP.

I just said my kids aren’t at that level. The recruiter just went through the different tiers of athletes. There are some truly gifted athletes. My kids fall into the strong students with good athletic ability. The athletes are ranked so it is easy to see where you stand. I don’t expect my kids to be college recruits.

I know you are trying to knock us down for over working my kids but they love it. Kids who excel have to have passion for it.

Dh and I are both ivy educated.

Do they not teach writing at your Ivys? They did at mine, and so I don’t share your struggle in trying to seem grounded while conveying the opposite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just be confident in your choices. Then your friend’s choices for their children shouldn’t bother you.

Many of our friends and colleagues send their kids to private school. We can afford private. I’m sure they think it is odd that we don’t send our kids to private.

I don't get the sense that the OP is bothered by the different choices, but by the fact that the couple (especially the dad) talk about them ALL the time, and obsess about them. That tendency can be very, very annoying. I'm reasonably confident in my parenting style (as much as a parent should be), but this kind of perseveration drives me up the wall. It's just irritating to be around.

+ 1. I don’t understand parents who can’t switch to non-kid topics around other adults. It’s kind of pathetic.

[Anonymous]

My parents’ best friends and my parents had very different parenting styles but we spent tons of time w them growing up and my parents still do now. Their kids, who I am friends with, grew up not allowed candy/junk food, screens, and with parents who were very strict and controlling in general. They would go trick or treating at Halloween and then their parents would make them exchange their candy for $$. They weren’t allowed to eat any of it. We’d go on vacation together and my siblings and I would get to have donuts or “special cereal” or something else junky for breakfast and they wouldn’t be allowed to have it. They were always being pushed to do better in school, sports, everything. Their parents really put a ton of pressure on them to succeed.

My parents are super laid back and easy going, we watched a lot of tv, ate mostly healthy but were also allowed lots of treats too. My parents were fine w us getting average grades and playing rec sports. They really never pushed us.

It’s interesting now that we’re all adults. They have 2 kids in their family and our family has 3. One of their 2 kids followed exactly the path her parents wanted: straight A student, top athlete in high school, went to a great college, very healthy/thin/fit, married a nice man w successful job and has 2 great kids. But she wants nothing to do w her parents. Their other kid struggled a lot, went to a less well regarded school, has mental health issues (depression, anxiety, did have an eating disorder as well), lots of failed relationships and definitely never reached her potential as I think she’s even smarter than her much more successful sister. She relies on the parents’ help more and isn’t fully independent of them but also clearly resents them for all the pressure they put on her and says she can never be happy and it has a lot to do with the strict environment in which she was raised.

My siblings and I: 2/3 of us did very well in school, got good jobs, married good people and also aren’t close w our parents. We felt they didn’t support us very well. They never talked to us about grades/school/college applications. They expected us to figure it out ourselves w virtually no guidance from them. The third sibling excelled when younger but now is 30 and unemployed and single and depressed. He’s still very dependent on our parents for financial support but none of us are close w them emotionally.

I guess the point is that there should be a happy middle ground. Not too strict or controlling like my friends’ parents but not so laid back that you are almost neglectful in terms of supporting your kids in pursuing their talents/skills and becoming successful independent adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents’ best friends and my parents had very different parenting styles but we spent tons of time w them growing up and my parents still do now. Their kids, who I am friends with, grew up not allowed candy/junk food, screens, and with parents who were very strict and controlling in general. They would go trick or treating at Halloween and then their parents would make them exchange their candy for $$. They weren’t allowed to eat any of it. We’d go on vacation together and my siblings and I would get to have donuts or “special cereal” or something else junky for breakfast and they wouldn’t be allowed to have it. They were always being pushed to do better in school, sports, everything. Their parents really put a ton of pressure on them to succeed.

My parents are super laid back and easy going, we watched a lot of tv, ate mostly healthy but were also allowed lots of treats too. My parents were fine w us getting average grades and playing rec sports. They really never pushed us.

It’s interesting now that we’re all adults. They have 2 kids in their family and our family has 3. One of their 2 kids followed exactly the path her parents wanted: straight A student, top athlete in high school, went to a great college, very healthy/thin/fit, married a nice man w successful job and has 2 great kids. But she wants nothing to do w her parents. Their other kid struggled a lot, went to a less well regarded school, has mental health issues (depression, anxiety, did have an eating disorder as well), lots of failed relationships and definitely never reached her potential as I think she’s even smarter than her much more successful sister. She relies on the parents’ help more and isn’t fully independent of them but also clearly resents them for all the pressure they put on her and says she can never be happy and it has a lot to do with the strict environment in which she was raised.

My siblings and I: 2/3 of us did very well in school, got good jobs, married good people and also aren’t close w our parents. We felt they didn’t support us very well. They never talked to us about grades/school/college applications. They expected us to figure it out ourselves w virtually no guidance from them. The third sibling excelled when younger but now is 30 and unemployed and single and depressed. He’s still very dependent on our parents for financial support but none of us are close w them emotionally.

I guess the point is that there should be a happy middle ground. Not too strict or controlling like my friends’ parents but not so laid back that you are almost neglectful in terms of supporting your kids in pursuing their talents/skills and becoming successful independent adults.

My brother suffers from mental illness and it is an illness. If your friend suffers from mental illness and hasn’t reached her potential, you should not put that on the parents.

I do agree that middle ground is best. I’m sure many people may think we push our kids hard but I’m pretty laid back. I just expect perfect grades. My kids are smart and are capable of doing this. We eat mostly healthy but we enjoy treats and eat a ton of snacks.

[Anonymous]

It's easy to fall into parenting talk, but you can be prepared to engage your friends in topics of mutual interest, not about parenting. It requires more work, but usually leads to more interesting conversations. I recently spent about 20 minutes talking to a friend about restaurants from our childhoods (did not grow up in the same area) and it was such a fun topic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an old friend who made a judgy remark to me during a play date in early 2020 bc my DD wanted to play princess and dress-up. Hers apparently only plays doctor, grocery store, restaurant and other practical things.

I am in STEM and make $200k (she’s a SAHM) but if my DD wants to be a pretty pretty princess, so be it!

We still communicate over text, but luckily COVID put the kibosh on future play dates.

Wow salary makes this so crass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to work hard to steer your conversations away from child related things. Talk about work, tv shows, trips you’ve taken, plays you want to see, what’s going on in the world, etc.

Try to connect at an adult level about adult things so that the child related things that stress you out don’t come up as much.

+1. Change the topic as gracefully as you can, or just take a bathroom/drink break. Also, don’t take it personally as it sounds like the husband is a highly anxious person and doesn’t have anyone else to compare and one-up with. You just happen to be the lucky one. Limit it to one vacation a year and try to do other things with the mom who seems to have more EQ

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an old friend who made a judgy remark to me during a play date in early 2020 bc my DD wanted to play princess and dress-up. Hers apparently only plays doctor, grocery store, restaurant and other practical things.

I am in STEM and make $200k (she’s a SAHM) but if my DD wants to be a pretty pretty princess, so be it!

We still communicate over text, but luckily COVID put the kibosh on future play dates.

Wow salary makes this so crass.

I don’t understand what Pp’s job or income vs the sahm has to do with little girls dressing up as princesses.

I used to work and also earn 200k. Now I’m a sahm. I will probably go back to work in a year or 2. Dh is a surgeon. My daughter loves princesses. Mine never played doctor although we have a ton of doctor toys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an old friend who made a judgy remark to me during a play date in early 2020 bc my DD wanted to play princess and dress-up. Hers apparently only plays doctor, grocery store, restaurant and other practical things.

I am in STEM and make $200k (she’s a SAHM) but if my DD wants to be a pretty pretty princess, so be it!

We still communicate over text, but luckily COVID put the kibosh on future play dates.

Wow salary makes this so crass.

I don’t understand what Pp’s job or income vs the sahm has to do with little girls dressing up as princesses.

I used to work and also earn 200k. Now I’m a sahm. I will probably go back to work in a year or 2. Dh is a surgeon. My daughter loves princesses. Mine never played doctor although we have a ton of doctor toys.

Because there’s a stereotype that engaging in ultra-feminine play will lead to female-heavy areas of study and careers that are not well paid. That future STEM majors only play with building blocks and the like.

[Anonymous]

Ugh I have a neighbor two doors down who like...we should TOTALLY be friends. Our kids are great friends, we have babies the same age who will become great friends, her husband is chill and funny, like this is a match made in neighbor heaven. But she is SO intense. And judgey. It is mostly about baby stuff (like she found out that I took a sip of beer while pregnant and like, physically reacted) so I'm hoping maybe this will ease up as our kids get into the next phase? But it has really made me doubt we will ever be the friends we SHOULD be.