Our closest parent friends are becoming kind of intense parents. Anyone BTDT and have advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are all the 15:45s one person? Talk about projection. It's not fun to hang out with tightly wound people, at least, not fun for me!

Nope - separate posters. I don’t think it is fun to hang out with judgy people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are all the 15:45s one person? Talk about projection. It's not fun to hang out with tightly wound people, at least, not fun for me!

Nope - separate posters. I don’t think it is fun to hang out with judgy people.

OP? She sounds kinda judgy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you care how they raise their kid, and why does it stress you out? If they are telling you to do it with your kid, that's different. But who cares if they want THE BEST ART SCHOOL for fingerpainting and you dont'? So what if Larla loves arugula and your kid doesn't? That should not impact the basic tenets of friendship.

Maybe you need to let this stuff bother you less, seems to me like you're comparing too much. Don't. Let them do them, and you do you. Don't be smug in your choices and don't care about theirs.

DP, but most parents who are this intense about things like activities, food, etc., can't just live and let live. They talk incessantly about these things, compare choices, on and on, and it's tedious AF to those of us who are more laid back.

Slightly different example, but still relevant: we went on vacation last summer with three other families. We all had separate living quarters, but got together at the beach, for meals, etc. Three of us are chill, one half of the fourth couple isn't. When that translates to repeatedly yelling at all the kids for being too noisy, limiting food options because they're not healthy enough, etc., of course it impacts the rest of us. It's not fun to see an adult yelling at kids *while on vacation* FFS.

[Anonymous]

For the first paragraph, I was wondering if you were talking about us as the more rigid parent friends. But no, you're not our laid back friends. That said, I think it's fine and good to have friends with different approaches to things, as long as everyone can let certain things slide and be easy going about it. We are more rigid than most about foods and screen time, but don't make it a thing when we're hanging out or on vacation together. If your friend can't let it go, and can't shut up about it, then that's not a good sign. I don't know if it's possible to give your friends gentle feedback, but I would be tired of hearing about it all of the time too.

[Anonymous]

Reconnect when the kids are teens. They will be humbled by then

[Anonymous]

When I read what you wrote, my first thought was "those parents are struggling."

To go from being laid back to fairly suddenly (even if it's over the course of a year) being this uptight about this kind of stuff to me implies that something isn't working for them. I don't mean this in a judgmental way, but a concerned way. Could be one of a million things - something totally unrelated like an aging parent and they're looking for something they can control. Could be that while they felt in their stride with parenting a baby and a toddler and a preschooler, the elementary years are stressing them out for some reason (everyone is better at parenting some ages than others IMHO). Could be that something is going on with their kid that they're trying to solve or troubleshoot like a behavior problem that they're not having a lot of luck with. Could be a tense marriage. Could be that they're dealing with secondary infertility. Could be the post pandemic world and trying to re-find their balance.

So, my approach would be to try to sit down with the parent you're closest with and say something like "how are you holding up these days? The adjustment of the kids going to elementary school feels so big" or something else true for you that hits on a potential stressor, and see what they say. See if you can draw them out. Be a good listener. Maybe they need an understanding, sympathetic ear. Or maybe they need some more concrete help - maybe you could have their kid over every Wednesday or something after school. Who knows.

Now, it's possible that while you had similar parenting philosophies when the kids were tiny, now you've just diverged. In which case, I would try and decide if you value their friendship enough to move the focus of it away from the kids, in which case, you try and get somewhat aggressive about changing the subject or finding other common ground, or you can decide that this is no longer the relationship you need or want, in which case, you can start reaching out less and less until you hit a more comfortable distance. But honestly, I think it's more likely that they are struggling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are all the 15:45s one person? Talk about projection. It's not fun to hang out with tightly wound people, at least, not fun for me!

+1,000,000. NP here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are all the 15:45s one person? Talk about projection. It's not fun to hang out with tightly wound people, at least, not fun for me!

Nope - separate posters. I don’t think it is fun to hang out with judgy people.

OP? She sounds kinda judgy

You and others here are so twisted in such a painful and joyless way. If you think it’s “judgmental” for OP to feel awkward because her friends want “only the best” as far as high-prestige supplemental activities, only the most healthful meals consumed during times with OPs family there too and so on, that’s a wrap. Just go and make insincere and tense and competitive “friendships” with all of the zero sum tiger families, and leave people with some social and emotional awareness be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you care how they raise their kid, and why does it stress you out? If they are telling you to do it with your kid, that's different. But who cares if they want THE BEST ART SCHOOL for fingerpainting and you dont'? So what if Larla loves arugula and your kid doesn't? That should not impact the basic tenets of friendship.

Maybe you need to let this stuff bother you less, seems to me like you're comparing too much. Don't. Let them do them, and you do you. Don't be smug in your choices and don't care about theirs.

DP, but most parents who are this intense about things like activities, food, etc., can't just live and let live. They talk incessantly about these things, compare choices, on and on, and it's tedious AF to those of us who are more laid back.

Slightly different example, but still relevant: we went on vacation last summer with three other families. We all had separate living quarters, but got together at the beach, for meals, etc. Three of us are chill, one half of the fourth couple isn't. When that translates to repeatedly yelling at all the kids for being too noisy, limiting food options because they're not healthy enough, etc., of course it impacts the rest of us. It's not fun to see an adult yelling at kids *while on vacation* FFS.

This. So well said. I get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I read what you wrote, my first thought was "those parents are struggling."

To go from being laid back to fairly suddenly (even if it's over the course of a year) being this uptight about this kind of stuff to me implies that something isn't working for them. I don't mean this in a judgmental way, but a concerned way. Could be one of a million things - something totally unrelated like an aging parent and they're looking for something they can control. Could be that while they felt in their stride with parenting a baby and a toddler and a preschooler, the elementary years are stressing them out for some reason (everyone is better at parenting some ages than others IMHO). Could be that something is going on with their kid that they're trying to solve or troubleshoot like a behavior problem that they're not having a lot of luck with. Could be a tense marriage. Could be that they're dealing with secondary infertility. Could be the post pandemic world and trying to re-find their balance.

So, my approach would be to try to sit down with the parent you're closest with and say something like "how are you holding up these days? The adjustment of the kids going to elementary school feels so big" or something else true for you that hits on a potential stressor, and see what they say. See if you can draw them out. Be a good listener. Maybe they need an understanding, sympathetic ear. Or maybe they need some more concrete help - maybe you could have their kid over every Wednesday or something after school. Who knows.

Now, it's possible that while you had similar parenting philosophies when the kids were tiny, now you've just diverged. In which case, I would try and decide if you value their friendship enough to move the focus of it away from the kids, in which case, you try and get somewhat aggressive about changing the subject or finding other common ground, or you can decide that this is no longer the relationship you need or want, in which case, you can start reaching out less and less until you hit a more comfortable distance. But honestly, I think it's more likely that they are struggling.

This. Try to listen empathetically and keep an open mind for what the issue ends up being. People don't get uptight for no reason.

[Anonymous]

Just take it down a level. Maybe no more vacations with them. Maybe the kids stay good friends and you just go out for dinner with the parents once a month. Focus on building your other friendships meanwhile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like its best to sever the relationship as you are extremely judgmental of them.

+1


OP, it seems you could be the intense one in this friendship. “Intensely laid back.” It’s a thing. I have a friend who works so hard to show she is easy going. She doesn’t care about screens, junk food or covid, and she constantly talks about these things.

Maybe just be. Let your friend be who she is. You don’t have to be so likeminded. It’s good to be around diversity of opinion anyway.

[Anonymous]

I watched two friends like this. One mom super intense, the other laid back, and the older the kids got the more their parenting styles diverged. I can assure you that as much as their intensity is getting to you, your "lack of intensity" is getting to them.

Move on and get other friends.

[Anonymous]

We had close friends like this and ended up no longer being close, though the other mom and I remained friends. They went Waldorf/homeschool and screen free, and our social circles changed as a result. I still miss them and wish we had gone that route too. In fact, reading your post made me a little sad.

My advice, fwiw, is that if you really care for them and/or if you’re particularly close to the other mom, you consider having a conversation about this. I would try not to frame it in judgy terms. I wish I had just talked to my friend about the different paths we were taking and worked harder to maintain the relationship, so maybe I’m seeing your situation through the lens of my own regrets.

[Anonymous]

Surprised how many people said to give up on the friendship. It doesn't sound like they are criticizing you or trying to impose their rules on your family. Why do you care if they feed their kids salad, put them in activities, limit screentime? Are you insecure about your own approach? Not everyone is going to parent the same way as you.