Our closest parent friends are becoming kind of intense parents. Anyone BTDT and have advice?
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Anonymous
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We've been good family friends with another neighborhood families since our DD's were infants (I met the other mom in a new mom group). Our kids get along great, we seem to have similar values, we have similar resources (in terms of incomes and family help) and get along well. We do lots of playdates, trade babysitting at times, and even travel together occasionally. Our kids are at the same ES (kindergarten).
In the last year, I've noticed that they are moving to a more intense type of parenting. Just more stress around activities and things like screen time or diet. Don't get me wrong, those are all things we care about (like I said, we have similar values). But our parenting style is less intense. For instance, we do want our kid in arts or enrichment activities, but we tend to default to programs through the school or that are easy or convenient for us. We figure at this age, that's more important than being in the best program in the city. And with stuff like screen time and diet, we have our house rules and we enforce them, but we are not that bothered if our school uses screens as a teaching tool (as long as it's just a little bit) or if our kid gets the occasional movie at aftercare. We are okay if our kid goes through a long "no vegetables" phase if her diet is otherwise good. Etc. Increasingly, though, the other family is just not okay with this stuff. They are talking about moving to private if our school doesn't eliminate screen use through 3rd grade, for instance. They are very intense about activities and constantly looking for better programs or "the best" programs. They are militant about healthy foods to a degree that sometimes makes it stressful to get together with them (I have been feeling so judged lately because our kid doesn't eat salad!). When we hang out, it feels like the conversation is 90% about the kids and how to maximize opportunities for them, and 10% other topics. We don't want to lose them as friends, especially because our kids get along so well and it's so rare to have nearby parent/family friends like this. But this shift has started to stress me out a bit and I find myself enjoying our playdates and family days so much less than I used to. We were originally going to travel together for spring break this year, but we decided back during the planning phase to do a staycation to save money instead, and as it approaches I realized I'm incredibly relieved not to be spending the week with them. Sorry I wrote so much! Basically, I'm wondering if this family friendship is doomed or if there are things we can do to preserve it even if our parenting approaches are starting to diverge. I don't want to lose them as friends but I can also already see how this is going to be an issue going forward. How do you navigate this? We have plenty of other parent friends but definitely value these specific friends. Advice please! |
Anonymous
| Honestly, this is normal. You can let it roll off your back, or not. But it's really hard to predict how your maternity leave friends will evolve as parents. You don't have to lose them just because you aren't perfectly aligned. |
Anonymous
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OP, I'd ease off on how much time you spend with them, and diversify your friend group. Now that your kid is in K, you'll start to meet other families through school and some of that expanding social circle happens naturally. It doesn't have to be all or nothing, and who knows what the future holds for either of you in terms of these things. But if it's stressful to spend time with them, that's a sign you need to back off a bit.
I have three, with the youngest currently in K, and have gone through various iterations of this dynamic. It's hard because you've been SO close to this other family--I get it. Find activities with them you do find enjoyable, again, in smaller doses, and go from there. |
Anonymous
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I'm just really not a fine of having your closest adult friendships be through your kids for this reason.
I think you keep up your relationship with this family but also very deliberately try to widen your circle. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
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OP it is a 100 percent guarantee that your kids will not stay super close forever. They will grow apart and have conflict and seek out friends they chose for themselves. So if the parents are bumming you out, don't stay all in for your child's sake.
I agree with others, just back off slightly and widen your circle. |
Anonymous
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They might chill out about the screen time and activities once they move to private school. We started in private from the beginning because I could envision myself getting worked up about this stuff. Now I’m cool as a cucumber.
The food stuff is weird. I’m on the strict side about eating a balanced meal at home. But during social gatherings, anything goes. And I would never comment on another child eats or doesn’t eat. |
Anonymous
| It sounds like its best to sever the relationship as you are extremely judgmental of them. |
Anonymous
| I would imagine your families will just grow apart. I am sure they can feel you judging their parenting style. |
Anonymous
| You need to stop worrying about how they’re raising their kids. |
Anonymous
| Are all the 15:45s one person? Talk about projection. It's not fun to hang out with tightly wound people, at least, not fun for me! |
Anonymous
I will say there are moms I have started to find unpleasant in my own friends or family circle. I still get together with them for the sake of the kids because I think it’s important for the kids to have friends outside of school. If the kids were to stop playing well together I would stop seeing them. |
Anonymous
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So it turns out you don't so much have similar values and you don't really enjoy their company all that much. It was a proximity-based and situational friendship.
So act accordingly. Which does not mean never talking to them again. But just make a slow shift. It will very likely happen naturally as you get deeper into elementary school. |
Anonymous
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Why do you care how they raise their kid, and why does it stress you out? If they are telling you to do it with your kid, that's different. But who cares if they want THE BEST ART SCHOOL for fingerpainting and you dont'? So what if Larla loves arugula and your kid doesn't? That should not impact the basic tenets of friendship.
Maybe you need to let this stuff bother you less, seems to me like you're comparing too much. Don't. Let them do them, and you do you. Don't be smug in your choices and don't care about theirs. |
Anonymous
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I'm the type to be worked up over various child-related things, and it's entirely because my first child was born with special needs, and we have always struggled to address them, and tweaked diets, activities, therapies, for a long time to figure out whether it helped or not. As a result, we knew what we wanted for our subsequent children (where the good activities where, what schools we liked, etc).
Looking back, I'm certain other parents backed off when my first was little and I was desperate for solutions, and talking about it non-stop! Indeed, one friend made a really nice comment to warn me I wasn't talking about anything else. Perhaps you want to say something like that? I realized at that moment that I should keep a lot of my thoughts and research to myself, because it wasn't fair to others without the same concerns. It also meant a certain distance, since I haven't met anyone at all, in my nearly 17 years of parenting this kid now, who has a child with the same issues. But that's life. Bottom line is, you can keep these friends but perhaps they won't be your best friends in a few years... |