Our closest parent friends are becoming kind of intense parents. Anyone BTDT and have advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like its best to sever the relationship as you are extremely judgmental of them.

+1


OP, it seems you could be the intense one in this friendship. “Intensely laid back.” It’s a thing. I have a friend who works so hard to show she is easy going. She doesn’t care about screens, junk food or covid, and she constantly talks about these things.

Maybe just be. Let your friend be who she is. You don’t have to be so likeminded. It’s good to be around diversity of opinion anyway.

That doesn’t sound like OP. I think you are projecting.

[Anonymous]

I think there are two things going on here:

1. Getting together is not as pleasant as before because they don't feel relaxed around you and that makes the whole atmosphere tense.

2. You're feeling insecure about your own parenting choices. Their choices (private vs public, lots of vegetables vs fewer vegetables) are not a criticism of your choices. They're just their choices. That's it.

The friendship isn't doomed. It just has to evolve. Maybe it means doing adult only nights out and not vacationing together.

[Anonymous]

Op, step as far back as you need to for the relationship to be comfortable -- again.

Let go of any thought, "I wish it were ...", "I'd hoped it would be" or "it use to be ..."

[Anonymous]

I have an old friend who made a judgy remark to me during a play date in early 2020 bc my DD wanted to play princess and dress-up. Hers apparently only plays doctor, grocery store, restaurant and other practical things.

I am in STEM and make $200k (she’s a SAHM) but if my DD wants to be a pretty pretty princess, so be it!

We still communicate over text, but luckily COVID put the kibosh on future play dates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an old friend who made a judgy remark to me during a play date in early 2020 bc my DD wanted to play princess and dress-up. Hers apparently only plays doctor, grocery store, restaurant and other practical things.

I am in STEM and make $200k (she’s a SAHM) but if my DD wants to be a pretty pretty princess, so be it!

We still communicate over text, but luckily COVID put the kibosh on future play dates.

Not that her comment was great, but maybe you could let that one go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We've been good family friends with another neighborhood families since our DD's were infants (I met the other mom in a new mom group). Our kids get along great, we seem to have similar values, we have similar resources (in terms of incomes and family help) and get along well. We do lots of playdates, trade babysitting at times, and even travel together occasionally. Our kids are at the same ES (kindergarten).

In the last year, I've noticed that they are moving to a more intense type of parenting. Just more stress around activities and things like screen time or diet. Don't get me wrong, those are all things we care about (like I said, we have similar values). But our parenting style is less intense. For instance, we do want our kid in arts or enrichment activities, but we tend to default to programs through the school or that are easy or convenient for us. We figure at this age, that's more important than being in the best program in the city. And with stuff like screen time and diet, we have our house rules and we enforce them, but we are not that bothered if our school uses screens as a teaching tool (as long as it's just a little bit) or if our kid gets the occasional movie at aftercare. We are okay if our kid goes through a long "no vegetables" phase if her diet is otherwise good. Etc.

Increasingly, though, the other family is just not okay with this stuff. They are talking about moving to private if our school doesn't eliminate screen use through 3rd grade, for instance. They are very intense about activities and constantly looking for better programs or "the best" programs. They are militant about healthy foods to a degree that sometimes makes it stressful to get together with them (I have been feeling so judged lately because our kid doesn't eat salad!). When we hang out, it feels like the conversation is 90% about the kids and how to maximize opportunities for them, and 10% other topics.

We don't want to lose them as friends, especially because our kids get along so well and it's so rare to have nearby parent/family friends like this. But this shift has started to stress me out a bit and I find myself enjoying our playdates and family days so much less than I used to. We were originally going to travel together for spring break this year, but we decided back during the planning phase to do a staycation to save money instead, and as it approaches I realized I'm incredibly relieved not to be spending the week with them.

Sorry I wrote so much! Basically, I'm wondering if this family friendship is doomed or if there are things we can do to preserve it even if our parenting approaches are starting to diverge. I don't want to lose them as friends but I can also already see how this is going to be an issue going forward. How do you navigate this? We have plenty of other parent friends but definitely value these specific friends. Advice please!

I think it really comes down to how they are talking about this. If they are actually saying judgemental things or talking about how bad your kids diet is, that wouldn’t fly with me. Or talking about how screens are terrible or causing a scene over food/demonizing certain foods in your kids hearing range is more than just having different values. If they just don’t do screens and their kids eat great, well good for them. I kind of want to cut back on screens myself. But I have a kid with an eating disorder and a family member who really really struggled in the past so I don’t want my kids hearing a lot negative comments about food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like its best to sever the relationship as you are extremely judgmental of them.

+1


OP, it seems you could be the intense one in this friendship. “Intensely laid back.” It’s a thing. I have a friend who works so hard to show she is easy going. She doesn’t care about screens, junk food or covid, and she constantly talks about these things.

Maybe just be. Let your friend be who she is. You don’t have to be so likeminded. It’s good to be around diversity of opinion anyway.

That doesn’t sound like OP. I think you are projecting.

Totally agree. It’s a very type A control-freak thing being done on this thread. People (Moms) are very desperate to show OP she’s somehow wronged her friend for being conscious during their get-togethers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are all the 15:45s one person? Talk about projection. It's not fun to hang out with tightly wound people, at least, not fun for me!

Nope - separate posters. I don’t think it is fun to hang out with judgy people.

OP? She sounds kinda judgy

The friends with their comments about her kid not eating salad sound judgy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like its best to sever the relationship as you are extremely judgmental of them.

+1


OP, it seems you could be the intense one in this friendship. “Intensely laid back.” It’s a thing. I have a friend who works so hard to show she is easy going. She doesn’t care about screens, junk food or covid, and she constantly talks about these things.

Maybe just be. Let your friend be who she is. You don’t have to be so likeminded. It’s good to be around diversity of opinion anyway.

That doesn’t sound like OP. I think you are projecting.

It’s also classic DCUM to throw it back onto the OP. This happens in every single relationship post. There’s always a poster or two who chimes into say “no OP, you are the problem” and it is so not helpful or sympathetic.

Totally agree. It’s a very type A control-freak thing being done on this thread. People (Moms) are very desperate to show OP she’s somehow wronged her friend for being conscious during their get-togethers.

[Anonymous]

I may be what you call intense. In kindergarten, we were much more lax with the activities. I let kids try out sports like soccer, tennis and t ball. My kids learned to swim during the 2 summers they did swim team. When my kids were in kindergarten, I absolutely limited their screen time. I worked back then and we only had a few hours after we got home. I didn’t want them to just sit on screens.

I have lots of friends. My kids have lots of friends. I would say none of us have the same parenting styles. I have friends who allow unlimited screens and junk food. That would not fly in my house but their kids are perfectly well behaved kids who get good grades. I’m sure their parents think that is fine.

I have one friend who reads a million parenting books, doesn’t believe in punishment, seems hyper interested and proud of her tween kids’ relationships with the opposite sex and never pushes her kids. She straight up insults me and often takes jabs at me. She is the only mom I can think of that I used to like that I prefer not to see. She is part of a larger friend group so I am stuck seeing her. Both she and her kids are in therapy. For what I’m not sure but she likes to rattle off insulting theories on why your parenting style is inferior to hers.

[Anonymous]

Always gotta blame an OP in here.

Had a mom friend like this. Would ask us to limit screen time and sweets at sleepovers, etc. Got so old stopped asking and accepting play dates. She's messaged a few times since and I just make up excuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an old friend who made a judgy remark to me during a play date in early 2020 bc my DD wanted to play princess and dress-up. Hers apparently only plays doctor, grocery store, restaurant and other practical things.

I am in STEM and make $200k (she’s a SAHM) but if my DD wants to be a pretty pretty princess, so be it!

We still communicate over text, but luckily COVID put the kibosh on future play dates.

I think you are way overreacting to a comment at a play date. I have a daughter who used to want nothing to do with princesses. I probably commented that she didn’t like dolls or princesses before Covid. We watched every Disney princess movie during Covid and she is well versed in all things princess.

I also have 2 boys. They had various interests over the years as did other boys. I really don’t think anyone cares if your kid is into playing dress up, construction trucks, Pokémon or princesses. You were overly sensitive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like its best to sever the relationship as you are extremely judgmental of them.

+1


OP, it seems you could be the intense one in this friendship. “Intensely laid back.” It’s a thing. I have a friend who works so hard to show she is easy going. She doesn’t care about screens, junk food or covid, and she constantly talks about these things.

Maybe just be. Let your friend be who she is. You don’t have to be so likeminded. It’s good to be around diversity of opinion anyway.

That doesn’t sound like OP. I think you are projecting.

+1. Op says in her post this family talks about nothing besides their child’s schooling, habits, enrichment, activities, etc. I am a mom too but I would be dying of boredom from that much kid talk at every single gathering.

[Anonymous]

Ehhhhh if they’re annoying/competitive/intense parents, the relationship between the adults will probably naturally go its separate ways. You’re realizing it before they do. That’s fine, people grow apart. You can still be friendly from a greater distance. And with the kids getting older, drop-off play dates are ok and so the kids can maintain a friendship without so much involvement from the adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ehhhhh if they’re annoying/competitive/intense parents, the relationship between the adults will probably naturally go its separate ways. You’re realizing it before they do. That’s fine, people grow apart. You can still be friendly from a greater distance. And with the kids getting older, drop-off play dates are ok and so the kids can maintain a friendship without so much involvement from the adults.

I think parents either become adult friends or drift apart.

Op is calling it intense and judging their friends. You will find parents being pulled in all sorts of directions. I have 2 kids who love to play tennis and play everyday. I have a daughter who takes swim and ballet. My kids are friends with kids who do zero activities and others who seem completely overscheduled.