Our closest parent friends are becoming kind of intense parents. Anyone BTDT and have advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh I have a neighbor two doors down who like...we should TOTALLY be friends. Our kids are great friends, we have babies the same age who will become great friends, her husband is chill and funny, like this is a match made in neighbor heaven. But she is SO intense. And judgey. It is mostly about baby stuff (like she found out that I took a sip of beer while pregnant and like, physically reacted) so I'm hoping maybe this will ease up as our kids get into the next phase? But it has really made me doubt we will ever be the friends we SHOULD be.

Most people like this do ease up, especially after their first slip up or when another child comes along. Give her a chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh I have a neighbor two doors down who like...we should TOTALLY be friends. Our kids are great friends, we have babies the same age who will become great friends, her husband is chill and funny, like this is a match made in neighbor heaven. But she is SO intense. And judgey. It is mostly about baby stuff (like she found out that I took a sip of beer while pregnant and like, physically reacted) so I'm hoping maybe this will ease up as our kids get into the next phase? But it has really made me doubt we will ever be the friends we SHOULD be.

I have learned that just because you have a child the same age doesn’t mean the kids will be friends nor the parents.

I remember there was a family who had a baby boy 2 doors down from us. I thought we would become good friends but we never did. Her son and my son never hit it off and neither did the parents. We did make friends with others a short drive from us though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh I have a neighbor two doors down who like...we should TOTALLY be friends. Our kids are great friends, we have babies the same age who will become great friends, her husband is chill and funny, like this is a match made in neighbor heaven. But she is SO intense. And judgey. It is mostly about baby stuff (like she found out that I took a sip of beer while pregnant and like, physically reacted) so I'm hoping maybe this will ease up as our kids get into the next phase? But it has really made me doubt we will ever be the friends we SHOULD be.

See, I don't think you should be friends at all. Seems like the only thing you have in common is your kids and their current ages. I don't try to be adult friends with anyone I wouldn't get along well with if we were both single and childless. The kids can be friends, and I'll be friendly, but in your shoes I wouldn't see this woman as someone who had much in common with me at all to the point I'd think she was a future bestie.

[Anonymous]

I think that the pandemic triggered a lot of anxiety and some people are responding to that with being controlling. That’s what this sounds like to me. I would be honest and say that you are tired of talking about kid stuff and just make sure to be obvious about not engaging in topics you aren’t interested in. You might be faking enthusiasm for the topic due to good social skills (many people will remain polite and engaged even in topics they don’t like bc they were raised that way).

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I was very anti screen anti sugar when I had my first. My third child has candy often from parties, Halloween, Xmas, etc and I don’t care. When my oldest was 3, we had a friend whose daughter could bike up and down hills and I felt behind. My kids played tennis on a team but we didn’t spend that much effort while our friends had private coaches and were playing in tournaments. Now my kids are amazing bikers and play tennis all day.

There will be kids who excelled when they were young who don’t do much as teenagers. However, all the elite kids in high school all started when they were 5 or younger.

My husband pushes my kids at sports because they have raw talent and they enjoy it. It sounds like OP and her husband may not have anything specific they want their kids to try or do. This is the time to start.

I remember I once met a parent whose kid played ice hockey at age two! I thought she was joking when I met her but she wasn’t joking at all. My friends with kids in gymnastics seem to be pretty damn advanced by age 8.

Oh dear

Gotta start five years ago! Or you’re lame and forever behind and you ruined their potential! That’s the only way to live but jeez she’s just a custodian of raw talent maybe your kids lack raw talent mkay???

I am the pp. my oldest is now 13. We were very low key all through elementary. The kids who excel in whatever they do did start early. Many kids try different things in elementary but few excel. I don’t want to say my kids are behind but we are currently at a spring training camp and the coaches were shocked at how little my kids trained for their age.

Well that's a coach problem. Send them the stories about the rise in overuse injuries in the kids that specialize early and train too hard at a young age.

Or talk to psychologists about the problems caused by throwing kids into too many adult-led activities and sports so that they failure to develop important skills in self agency and independence.

The hard chargers may win in middle school or even high school, but life is a long game.

My kids play plenty in my opinion. We are at a place that trains elite athletes. I’m very impressed by them. My kids are not close to that level or at least not yet. These are kids who will be college D1 players or be pro one day. My kids are not that level. These are kids will go to Stanford type schools though.

My children are play and are good at several sports. They enjoy playing. We don’t push them. I’m not athletic at all. They also play musical instruments and do academic extracurriculars. I try not to talk about these things to others because people seem to get competitive.

Slightly OT, but I don't quite understand the perceived value of pushing your kids to excel at something like tennis. You're going to peak in your 20s, and then what? You'll have spent your youth training super hard and being singlemindedly focused on something you can no longer play at the level you trained for. Meanwhile, you've lost out on key years for socioemotional learning. So much of life is learning to deal with things beyond your control, the complexities of relationships or just life itself. I wonder whether setting your kid up with this laser focus on a game defined in terms of win/lose, optimize strategy, push push push is giving them the skills they need to cope with everything. Because the reality is when you spend so much time training on anything, you spend less time around all types of people and different life situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh I have a neighbor two doors down who like...we should TOTALLY be friends. Our kids are great friends, we have babies the same age who will become great friends, her husband is chill and funny, like this is a match made in neighbor heaven. But she is SO intense. And judgey. It is mostly about baby stuff (like she found out that I took a sip of beer while pregnant and like, physically reacted) so I'm hoping maybe this will ease up as our kids get into the next phase? But it has really made me doubt we will ever be the friends we SHOULD be.

The judgment would be a no-go for me. I can deal with people who are competitive because I’m not competitive at all so I just let them win. But really judgmental people stress me out. I don’t even like being around people who are super judgy of people other than me. It just makes me feel they are going to be intolerant in the future.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I was very anti screen anti sugar when I had my first. My third child has candy often from parties, Halloween, Xmas, etc and I don’t care. When my oldest was 3, we had a friend whose daughter could bike up and down hills and I felt behind. My kids played tennis on a team but we didn’t spend that much effort while our friends had private coaches and were playing in tournaments. Now my kids are amazing bikers and play tennis all day.

There will be kids who excelled when they were young who don’t do much as teenagers. However, all the elite kids in high school all started when they were 5 or younger.

My husband pushes my kids at sports because they have raw talent and they enjoy it. It sounds like OP and her husband may not have anything specific they want their kids to try or do. This is the time to start.

I remember I once met a parent whose kid played ice hockey at age two! I thought she was joking when I met her but she wasn’t joking at all. My friends with kids in gymnastics seem to be pretty damn advanced by age 8.

Oh dear

Gotta start five years ago! Or you’re lame and forever behind and you ruined their potential! That’s the only way to live but jeez she’s just a custodian of raw talent maybe your kids lack raw talent mkay???

I am the pp. my oldest is now 13. We were very low key all through elementary. The kids who excel in whatever they do did start early. Many kids try different things in elementary but few excel. I don’t want to say my kids are behind but we are currently at a spring training camp and the coaches were shocked at how little my kids trained for their age.

Well that's a coach problem. Send them the stories about the rise in overuse injuries in the kids that specialize early and train too hard at a young age.

Or talk to psychologists about the problems caused by throwing kids into too many adult-led activities and sports so that they failure to develop important skills in self agency and independence.

The hard chargers may win in middle school or even high school, but life is a long game.

My kids play plenty in my opinion. We are at a place that trains elite athletes. I’m very impressed by them. My kids are not close to that level or at least not yet. These are kids who will be college D1 players or be pro one day. My kids are not that level. These are kids will go to Stanford type schools though.

My children are play and are good at several sports. They enjoy playing. We don’t push them. I’m not athletic at all. They also play musical instruments and do academic extracurriculars. I try not to talk about these things to others because people seem to get competitive.

“My kids will go to Stanford but these gross other parents get competitive, I must make them insecure because they’re not good or something I don’t get it.”

The self-awareness is the bow on the gift that is you, PP.

I just said my kids aren’t at that level. The recruiter just went through the different tiers of athletes. There are some truly gifted athletes. My kids fall into the strong students with good athletic ability. The athletes are ranked so it is easy to see where you stand. I don’t expect my kids to be college recruits.

I know you are trying to knock us down for over working my kids but they love it. Kids who excel have to have passion for it.

Dh and I are both ivy educated.

It’s cute how you think you both being Ivy educated and your kid having high stats means they “will go to Stanford type schools.” You might want to check the current state of college admissions (hint: you and your spouse’s distant Ivy experiences are totally irrelevant) and adjust your expectations accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents’ best friends and my parents had very different parenting styles but we spent tons of time w them growing up and my parents still do now. Their kids, who I am friends with, grew up not allowed candy/junk food, screens, and with parents who were very strict and controlling in general. They would go trick or treating at Halloween and then their parents would make them exchange their candy for $$. They weren’t allowed to eat any of it. We’d go on vacation together and my siblings and I would get to have donuts or “special cereal” or something else junky for breakfast and they wouldn’t be allowed to have it. They were always being pushed to do better in school, sports, everything. Their parents really put a ton of pressure on them to succeed.

My parents are super laid back and easy going, we watched a lot of tv, ate mostly healthy but were also allowed lots of treats too. My parents were fine w us getting average grades and playing rec sports. They really never pushed us.

It’s interesting now that we’re all adults. They have 2 kids in their family and our family has 3. One of their 2 kids followed exactly the path her parents wanted: straight A student, top athlete in high school, went to a great college, very healthy/thin/fit, married a nice man w successful job and has 2 great kids. But she wants nothing to do w her parents. Their other kid struggled a lot, went to a less well regarded school, has mental health issues (depression, anxiety, did have an eating disorder as well), lots of failed relationships and definitely never reached her potential as I think she’s even smarter than her much more successful sister. She relies on the parents’ help more and isn’t fully independent of them but also clearly resents them for all the pressure they put on her and says she can never be happy and it has a lot to do with the strict environment in which she was raised.

My siblings and I: 2/3 of us did very well in school, got good jobs, married good people and also aren’t close w our parents. We felt they didn’t support us very well. They never talked to us about grades/school/college applications. They expected us to figure it out ourselves w virtually no guidance from them. The third sibling excelled when younger but now is 30 and unemployed and single and depressed. He’s still very dependent on our parents for financial support but none of us are close w them emotionally.

I guess the point is that there should be a happy middle ground. Not too strict or controlling like my friends’ parents but not so laid back that you are almost neglectful in terms of supporting your kids in pursuing their talents/skills and becoming successful independent adults.

My brother suffers from mental illness and it is an illness. If your friend suffers from mental illness and hasn’t reached her potential, you should not put that on the parents.

I do agree that middle ground is best. I’m sure many people may think we push our kids hard but I’m pretty laid back. I just expect perfect grades. My kids are smart and are capable of doing this. We eat mostly healthy but we enjoy treats and eat a ton of snacks.

HAHAHAHAHAHA.