Reply to Our closest parent friends are becoming kind of intense parents. Anyone BTDT and have advice?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My parents’ best friends and my parents had very different parenting styles but we spent tons of time w them growing up and my parents still do now. Their kids, who I am friends with, grew up not allowed candy/junk food, screens, and with parents who were very strict and controlling in general. They would go trick or treating at Halloween and then their parents would make them exchange their candy for $$. They weren’t allowed to eat any of it. We’d go on vacation together and my siblings and I would get to have donuts or “special cereal” or something else junky for breakfast and they wouldn’t be allowed to have it. They were always being pushed to do better in school, sports, everything. Their parents really put a ton of pressure on them to succeed.

My parents are super laid back and easy going, we watched a lot of tv, ate mostly healthy but were also allowed lots of treats too. My parents were fine w us getting average grades and playing rec sports. They really never pushed us.

It’s interesting now that we’re all adults. They have 2 kids in their family and our family has 3. One of their 2 kids followed exactly the path her parents wanted: straight A student, top athlete in high school, went to a great college, very healthy/thin/fit, married a nice man w successful job and has 2 great kids. But she wants nothing to do w her parents. Their other kid struggled a lot, went to a less well regarded school, has mental health issues (depression, anxiety, did have an eating disorder as well), lots of failed relationships and definitely never reached her potential as I think she’s even smarter than her much more successful sister. She relies on the parents’ help more and isn’t fully independent of them but also clearly resents them for all the pressure they put on her and says she can never be happy and it has a lot to do with the strict environment in which she was raised.

My siblings and I: 2/3 of us did very well in school, got good jobs, married good people and also aren’t close w our parents. We felt they didn’t support us very well. They never talked to us about grades/school/college applications. They expected us to figure it out ourselves w virtually no guidance from them. The third sibling excelled when younger but now is 30 and unemployed and single and depressed. He’s still very dependent on our parents for financial support but none of us are close w them emotionally.

I guess the point is that there should be a happy middle ground. Not too strict or controlling like my friends’ parents but not so laid back that you are almost neglectful in terms of supporting your kids in pursuing their talents/skills and becoming successful independent adults.[/quote]

My brother suffers from mental illness and it is an illness. If your friend suffers from mental illness and hasn’t reached her potential, you should not put that on the parents.

I do agree that middle ground is best. I’m sure many people may think we push our kids hard but I’m pretty laid back. I just expect perfect grades. My kids are smart and are capable of doing this. We eat mostly healthy but we enjoy treats and eat a ton of snacks. [/quote]

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