College results broke my heart

[Anonymous]

My DC is in California. She loves it. I miss her but we WhatsApp at least 3-4 times a week. I’m so glad she is living her life and being so independent. If you can’t manage this small distance OP how are you going to manage when they do a semester or two abroad? You’ve done an awesome job raising your DC, know let him fly!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DC is in California. She loves it. I miss her but we WhatsApp at least 3-4 times a week. I’m so glad she is living her life and being so independent. If you can’t manage this small distance OP how are you going to manage when they do a semester or two abroad? You’ve done an awesome job raising your DC, know let him fly!

This is more of a niche thing than an inevitability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, to put things in perspective, I went to university 500+ miles away from my home in the '80s and was only able to communicate with my parents by letter or a once-a-week long distance call (it was too expensive to call more often) from the common use phones in the dorm. Much easier now to stay connected -- perhaps too easy?

Nope. I actually believe that what you’re describing is a major cause of mental illness among college students who have it.

PP here. By that I mean I think going 500+ miles away from college is a very bad idea for most kids, contributing to anxiety, rugged individualism and loneliness. Life is short and young adults should spend time with their families.

Agree 100%

We don’t need our children developing lone wolf, rugged individualist type characteristics in their formative years.

College is a time of open mindedness and a chance at communal living and communal thinking. Sending your babies hundreds, or thousands, of miles away to fend for themselves only results in the creation of future conservatives.

Keep your babies close, let them form a tribe to depend on outside your family as well, but don’t subject them to harsh realities at age 18. It does society no good at all

I’d be willing to bet your 18 yr old “babies” will never be ready to function on their own. So you’re in luck.

I’m the one who originally wrote that sending kids too far away causes “rugged individualism.” And I do believe that and don’t get the whole “don’t come home before thanksgiving thing” since most kids don’t go far away anyway.

But I think the “communal thinking” poster is a troll!

I appreciate the thoughtful reply, but want to assure you that my reply was not made with tongue in cheek!

Community is the best part of college! Making new friends, having roommates, and coming together with like minded people.

Once a person finds their tribe, they can work and play as a group. My friends from school and I all came together to support each other, work together academically, and to do other things that we shared opinions about, such as attend protests. That’s what I mean by communal thinking.

Communal thinking doesn’t happen with the lone wolves who go off to school from thousands of miles away. They tend to be more self-focused. That can lead to lifelong consequences. Rugged individualism is not to be encouraged, particularly in a college setting. A student really limits the potential of their college adventure (and their life adventure!) if they shun thinking as a team at that critical juncture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, to put things in perspective, I went to university 500+ miles away from my home in the '80s and was only able to communicate with my parents by letter or a once-a-week long distance call (it was too expensive to call more often) from the common use phones in the dorm. Much easier now to stay connected -- perhaps too easy?

Nope. I actually believe that what you’re describing is a major cause of mental illness among college students who have it.

PP here. By that I mean I think going 500+ miles away from college is a very bad idea for most kids, contributing to anxiety, rugged individualism and loneliness. Life is short and young adults should spend time with their families.

Agree 100%

We don’t need our children developing lone wolf, rugged individualist type characteristics in their formative years.

College is a time of open mindedness and a chance at communal living and communal thinking. Sending your babies hundreds, or thousands, of miles away to fend for themselves only results in the creation of future conservatives.

Keep your babies close, let them form a tribe to depend on outside your family as well, but don’t subject them to harsh realities at age 18. It does society no good at all

I’d be willing to bet your 18 yr old “babies” will never be ready to function on their own. So you’re in luck.

I’m the one who originally wrote that sending kids too far away causes “rugged individualism.” And I do believe that and don’t get the whole “don’t come home before thanksgiving thing” since most kids don’t go far away anyway.

But I think the “communal thinking” poster is a troll!

I appreciate the thoughtful reply, but want to assure you that my reply was not made with tongue in cheek!

Community is the best part of college! Making new friends, having roommates, and coming together with like minded people.

Once a person finds their tribe, they can work and play as a group. My friends from school and I all came together to support each other, work together academically, and to do other things that we shared opinions about, such as attend protests. That’s what I mean by communal thinking.

Communal thinking doesn’t happen with the lone wolves who go off to school from thousands of miles away. They tend to be more self-focused. That can lead to lifelong consequences. Rugged individualism is not to be encouraged, particularly in a college setting. A student really limits the potential of their college adventure (and their life adventure!) if they shun thinking as a team at that critical juncture.

PP here. Agreed.

Although, it can take a lot of perseverance to get through dorm living at some schools, or in some cases, living with roommates at all. I had some genuinely miserable shared living experiences multiple times in college that drained the life out of me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, to put things in perspective, I went to university 500+ miles away from my home in the '80s and was only able to communicate with my parents by letter or a once-a-week long distance call (it was too expensive to call more often) from the common use phones in the dorm. Much easier now to stay connected -- perhaps too easy?

Nope. I actually believe that what you’re describing is a major cause of mental illness among college students who have it.

PP here. By that I mean I think going 500+ miles away from college is a very bad idea for most kids, contributing to anxiety, rugged individualism and loneliness. Life is short and young adults should spend time with their families.

Agree 100%

We don’t need our children developing lone wolf, rugged individualist type characteristics in their formative years.

College is a time of open mindedness and a chance at communal living and communal thinking. Sending your babies hundreds, or thousands, of miles away to fend for themselves only results in the creation of future conservatives.

Keep your babies close, let them form a tribe to depend on outside your family as well, but don’t subject them to harsh realities at age 18. It does society no good at all

I’d be willing to bet your 18 yr old “babies” will never be ready to function on their own. So you’re in luck.

I’m the one who originally wrote that sending kids too far away causes “rugged individualism.” And I do believe that and don’t get the whole “don’t come home before thanksgiving thing” since most kids don’t go far away anyway.

But I think the “communal thinking” poster is a troll!

"Don't come home before thanksgiving" is a real thing. If you want your kid to get settled at school, make friends, and learn to adjust to new situations. It's hard to make friends if you are going home most weekends and everyone else remains on campus. At college, weekends are where more of the socialization happens. For some, the goal is to keep their kid near home forever, for others the goal is to have our kids flourish and grow into independent adults who make their own choices. If a kid moves away, that's just an excuse for me to visit a new area several times per year

DP Agree.

Our DC is choosing between several schools and we are encouraging them not to go to the local state school, even though it's cheaper. DC is not a social butterfly, will hang out in room all weekend, and needs to experience living with others and hanging out and being forced to socialize. Not sure what we will do if they do choose the local option. We will have to set boundaries about when they can come home. Not every weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, to put things in perspective, I went to university 500+ miles away from my home in the '80s and was only able to communicate with my parents by letter or a once-a-week long distance call (it was too expensive to call more often) from the common use phones in the dorm. Much easier now to stay connected -- perhaps too easy?

Nope. I actually believe that what you’re describing is a major cause of mental illness among college students who have it.

PP here. By that I mean I think going 500+ miles away from college is a very bad idea for most kids, contributing to anxiety, rugged individualism and loneliness. Life is short and young adults should spend time with their families.

Agree 100%

We don’t need our children developing lone wolf, rugged individualist type characteristics in their formative years.

College is a time of open mindedness and a chance at communal living and communal thinking. Sending your babies hundreds, or thousands, of miles away to fend for themselves only results in the creation of future conservatives.

Keep your babies close, let them form a tribe to depend on outside your family as well, but don’t subject them to harsh realities at age 18. It does society no good at all

I’d be willing to bet your 18 yr old “babies” will never be ready to function on their own. So you’re in luck.

I’m the one who originally wrote that sending kids too far away causes “rugged individualism.” And I do believe that and don’t get the whole “don’t come home before thanksgiving thing” since most kids don’t go far away anyway.

But I think the “communal thinking” poster is a troll!

I appreciate the thoughtful reply, but want to assure you that my reply was not made with tongue in cheek!

Community is the best part of college! Making new friends, having roommates, and coming together with like minded people.

Once a person finds their tribe, they can work and play as a group. My friends from school and I all came together to support each other, work together academically, and to do other things that we shared opinions about, such as attend protests. That’s what I mean by communal thinking.

Communal thinking doesn’t happen with the lone wolves who go off to school from thousands of miles away. They tend to be more self-focused. That can lead to lifelong consequences. Rugged individualism is not to be encouraged, particularly in a college setting. A student really limits the potential of their college adventure (and their life adventure!) if they shun thinking as a team at that critical juncture.

I call BS! Students willing to go 1000s of miles away from home do not "shun thinking as a team". They are not a lone wolf. Only 36% of students at Stanford are from CA, and CA is a huge state, so even less are from the Bay Area. You really think only ~20% of Stanford students are "team players" and are maximizing their college adventure? This is a ridiculous way to think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn’t really matter how far away they are. Even if they were close you should only be seeing them for major holidays and long breaks.

+1

Our dd goes to college 4 hrs from us. She has also spent many of her breaks on trips all over the USA. She plans to do a semester abroad. We are excited for her and know she is going to do great. BUT when we got a phone call last night that she had been injured in club sport ihave never been more grateful that we could get in the car and be at her side in just 4 hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, to put things in perspective, I went to university 500+ miles away from my home in the '80s and was only able to communicate with my parents by letter or a once-a-week long distance call (it was too expensive to call more often) from the common use phones in the dorm. Much easier now to stay connected -- perhaps too easy?

Nope. I actually believe that what you’re describing is a major cause of mental illness among college students who have it.

PP here. By that I mean I think going 500+ miles away from college is a very bad idea for most kids, contributing to anxiety, rugged individualism and loneliness. Life is short and young adults should spend time with their families.

WOW!!! Majority of 18 yo are ready to spread their wings and go more than 500+ miles from home for college. Some are not, and yes, they should choose a college location closer to home. Both of my kids will be 2-3K miles from home. Oldest is graduating this year and guess what, staying within 2 hours of where Dc attended college. While I wish DC was closer to home, I am THRILLED that DC has a meaningful job, friends and will thrive not being close to home. Ultimately, that is the goal---I didn't raise my kids so they would stay at home or 1 mile away forever. I want my kids to explore the world and do what makes them happy.

If you kid isn't ready for that, then perhaps you haven't prepared them. My kids have had progressively more freedoms each year, letting them grow up and make choices (mostly good) and learn from any mistakes while at home, so they will be ready to be in college and on their own wherever life brings

Please don't make judgments about other people's parenting, even on an anonymous forum.

Kids are different. Some are homebodies. One of my kids went out to CA. Another won't leave the state. They are both raised by the same parents, the same way, but they are fundamentally different kids. That's totally normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, to put things in perspective, I went to university 500+ miles away from my home in the '80s and was only able to communicate with my parents by letter or a once-a-week long distance call (it was too expensive to call more often) from the common use phones in the dorm. Much easier now to stay connected -- perhaps too easy?

Nope. I actually believe that what you’re describing is a major cause of mental illness among college students who have it.

PP here. By that I mean I think going 500+ miles away from college is a very bad idea for most kids, contributing to anxiety, rugged individualism and loneliness. Life is short and young adults should spend time with their families.

Agree 100%

We don’t need our children developing lone wolf, rugged individualist type characteristics in their formative years.

College is a time of open mindedness and a chance at communal living and communal thinking. Sending your babies hundreds, or thousands, of miles away to fend for themselves only results in the creation of future conservatives.

Keep your babies close, let them form a tribe to depend on outside your family as well, but don’t subject them to harsh realities at age 18. It does society no good at all

I’d be willing to bet your 18 yr old “babies” will never be ready to function on their own. So you’re in luck.

I’m the one who originally wrote that sending kids too far away causes “rugged individualism.” And I do believe that and don’t get the whole “don’t come home before thanksgiving thing” since most kids don’t go far away anyway.

But I think the “communal thinking” poster is a troll!

"Don't come home before thanksgiving" is a real thing. If you want your kid to get settled at school, make friends, and learn to adjust to new situations. It's hard to make friends if you are going home most weekends and everyone else remains on campus. At college, weekends are where more of the socialization happens. For some, the goal is to keep their kid near home forever, for others the goal is to have our kids flourish and grow into independent adults who make their own choices. If a kid moves away, that's just an excuse for me to visit a new area several times per year

DP Agree.

Our DC is choosing between several schools and we are encouraging them not to go to the local state school, even though it's cheaper. DC is not a social butterfly, will hang out in room all weekend, and needs to experience living with others and hanging out and being forced to socialize. Not sure what we will do if they do choose the local option. We will have to set boundaries about when they can come home. Not every weekend.

OMG.

I would never do this. If my DC wants to come home every weekend, there's probably a reason. I would never forbid them. Some kids need time to adjust to being away from home. Let them come home if they want to. My kids never wanted to, even though they were not too far away. If your kid wants to come home let them. They'll stay at school once they make friends, and the weekends at school are much more appealing than the boring weekends at home with their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DC is in California. She loves it. I miss her but we WhatsApp at least 3-4 times a week. I’m so glad she is living her life and being so independent. If you can’t manage this small distance OP how are you going to manage when they do a semester or two abroad? You’ve done an awesome job raising your DC, know let him fly!

OP didn't say she couldn't manage. She said she's sad. That's understandable. But congrats, OP, for having an independent child. As long as your child is happy about her choices, then keep your sadness to yourself!! It's painful, but we all have to adjust to having grown children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DC is in California. She loves it. I miss her but we WhatsApp at least 3-4 times a week. I’m so glad she is living her life and being so independent. If you can’t manage this small distance OP how are you going to manage when they do a semester or two abroad? You’ve done an awesome job raising your DC, know let him fly!

OP didn't say she couldn't manage. She said she's sad. That's understandable. But congrats, OP, for having an independent child. As long as your child is happy about her choices, then keep your sadness to yourself!! It's painful, but we all have to adjust to having grown children.

This is PP. when did I say sad? Are you projecting? Are YOU sad lonely depressed PP - or would you be if your kid ‘left’ you? That’s how you see it isn’t it. You are one of those clingers who guilt trips your family and kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, to put things in perspective, I went to university 500+ miles away from my home in the '80s and was only able to communicate with my parents by letter or a once-a-week long distance call (it was too expensive to call more often) from the common use phones in the dorm. Much easier now to stay connected -- perhaps too easy?

Nope. I actually believe that what you’re describing is a major cause of mental illness among college students who have it.

PP here. By that I mean I think going 500+ miles away from college is a very bad idea for most kids, contributing to anxiety, rugged individualism and loneliness. Life is short and young adults should spend time with their families.

WOW!!! Majority of 18 yo are ready to spread their wings and go more than 500+ miles from home for college. Some are not, and yes, they should choose a college location closer to home. Both of my kids will be 2-3K miles from home. Oldest is graduating this year and guess what, staying within 2 hours of where Dc attended college. While I wish DC was closer to home, I am THRILLED that DC has a meaningful job, friends and will thrive not being close to home. Ultimately, that is the goal---I didn't raise my kids so they would stay at home or 1 mile away forever. I want my kids to explore the world and do what makes them happy.

If you kid isn't ready for that, then perhaps you haven't prepared them. My kids have had progressively more freedoms each year, letting them grow up and make choices (mostly good) and learn from any mistakes while at home, so they will be ready to be in college and on their own wherever life brings

Please don't make judgments about other people's parenting, even on an anonymous forum.

Kids are different. Some are homebodies. One of my kids went out to CA. Another won't leave the state. They are both raised by the same parents, the same way, but they are fundamentally different kids. That's totally normal.

Completely get that every kid is different. I have 2 very different kids. If a kid doesn't want to leave the state/home town that is perfectly fine. I'm also sure you didn't encourage your kid who did wanted to spread their wings further to just stay home close to family; I bet you supported that decision to fly a bit further away. I bet you also are equally close to both kids, just in different way, because you can't physically see the one at a further distance.

However this poster stated that "going 500+ miles away from college is a very bad idea for most kids, contributing to anxiety, rugged individualism and loneliness. Life is short and young adults should spend time with their families." I think in this case, the parents is projecting their desire to keep their kid(s) on a short leash onto everyone and growing up with parents who desperately don't want to see their kids go anywhere other than 2-3 hours from home and in an environment that "young adults should spend time with their families" can lead to kids who don't want to explore the world, and who have anxiety/stress because they feel bound to do everything in life just to please their families.

I never want my kids to feel guilty for wanting to do something, be it college or a new job, that they like simply because it's not close to me. While I've missed my kid 2K miles away at college, I know DC has thrived and grown so much, largely because DC is at the college they wanted to attend. DC knows we will help them come home for any break 3 days or longer if they want.


IMO, The whole point in having kids is to raise them to be independent, creative, successful, happy individuals who are able to make their own good decisions in life. Part of that means the kids (now adults) ultimately get to define/pick what is important to them. And my job as a parent is to guide them, and help them become more independent along the way. This doesn't just happen miraculously at 18, it happens all the way along while growing up, while giving them more independence and helping them learn how to make good choices along the way. It means still guiding/assisting them while in college, but also means stepping back and letting the kid make choices that I might not always agree with, as long as they are not extremely detrimental/dangerous choices.



I didn't pick where my kids go to college, I don't pick their major, I don't pick their friends, I'm available to assist my kids in any way they ask, but if they don't ask and are doing well, I don't interject. This is their journey through life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, to put things in perspective, I went to university 500+ miles away from my home in the '80s and was only able to communicate with my parents by letter or a once-a-week long distance call (it was too expensive to call more often) from the common use phones in the dorm. Much easier now to stay connected -- perhaps too easy?

Nope. I actually believe that what you’re describing is a major cause of mental illness among college students who have it.

PP here. By that I mean I think going 500+ miles away from college is a very bad idea for most kids, contributing to anxiety, rugged individualism and loneliness. Life is short and young adults should spend time with their families.

Agree 100%

Some of you need to realize that this whole “you must move away and barely visit and most certainly never live at home again” is a distinctly American thing and not necessarily a healthy thing, especially if forced on a kid?

We don’t need our children developing lone wolf, rugged individualist type characteristics in their formative years.

College is a time of open mindedness and a chance at communal living and communal thinking. Sending your babies hundreds, or thousands, of miles away to fend for themselves only results in the creation of future conservatives.

Keep your babies close, let them form a tribe to depend on outside your family as well, but don’t subject them to harsh realities at age 18. It does society no good at all

I’d be willing to bet your 18 yr old “babies” will never be ready to function on their own. So you’re in luck.

I’m the one who originally wrote that sending kids too far away causes “rugged individualism.” And I do believe that and don’t get the whole “don’t come home before thanksgiving thing” since most kids don’t go far away anyway.

But I think the “communal thinking” poster is a troll!

"Don't come home before thanksgiving" is a real thing. If you want your kid to get settled at school, make friends, and learn to adjust to new situations. It's hard to make friends if you are going home most weekends and everyone else remains on campus. At college, weekends are where more of the socialization happens. For some, the goal is to keep their kid near home forever, for others the goal is to have our kids flourish and grow into independent adults who make their own choices. If a kid moves away, that's just an excuse for me to visit a new area several times per year

DP Agree.

Our DC is choosing between several schools and we are encouraging them not to go to the local state school, even though it's cheaper. DC is not a social butterfly, will hang out in room all weekend, and needs to experience living with others and hanging out and being forced to socialize. Not sure what we will do if they do choose the local option. We will have to set boundaries about when they can come home. Not every weekend.

OMG.

I would never do this. If my DC wants to come home every weekend, there's probably a reason. I would never forbid them. Some kids need time to adjust to being away from home. Let them come home if they want to. My kids never wanted to, even though they were not too far away. If your kid wants to come home let them. They'll stay at school once they make friends, and the weekends at school are much more appealing than the boring weekends at home with their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Doesn’t really matter how far away they are. Even if they were close you should only be seeing them for major holidays and long breaks.

Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, to put things in perspective, I went to university 500+ miles away from my home in the '80s and was only able to communicate with my parents by letter or a once-a-week long distance call (it was too expensive to call more often) from the common use phones in the dorm. Much easier now to stay connected -- perhaps too easy?

Nope. I actually believe that what you’re describing is a major cause of mental illness among college students who have it.

PP here. By that I mean I think going 500+ miles away from college is a very bad idea for most kids, contributing to anxiety, rugged individualism and loneliness. Life is short and young adults should spend time with their families.

I agree. I don’t understand the poster who said parents should only see their kids at holidays and breaks. I plan to see sports games and offer to take offspring and friends to dinner, etc.