How to respond when asked about deceased sibling

[Anonymous]

Everyone who's not living with loss now ultimately will. You're allowed to process death in any way you need to, OP. My husband was killed by a drunk driver, and my sister died of an overdose. My father died young of cancer likely caused by exposure to Agent Orange in Vietnam. Anyone asking about my kids' dad or if I have siblings, or my parents gets the truth, however the situation calls for. It's generally not asked by people casually; I have to know them in some fashion for the questions to come up. When they do, I try to answer straight on. Generally I don't feel people are nosy or ghoulish. They are just curious about family structure and history. I'M curious about the marriages and families of others as well.

[Anonymous]

My dad died 30 years ago when I was a baby, and whenever people ask where my parents live, I just say Canada. They didn’t know him, why do I need to tell them? It’s a really American thing to ask how he does and I’m just not used to that. Literally no one in Canada has ever asked me that and it feels really gross to have people who are coworkers or acquaintances ask me about the most horrible day of my life… that I don’t even remember! I don’t know why Americans always have to ask that, so now I just lie to them. If you’re close to me, you already know about my Dad. Anyone else can bugger off!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I am so sorry for your loss.

My sister died 20 year ago and I honestly still haven't figured this out. I usually deflect.

The one question I really struggle with is "do you have any siblings?" What do I say? "Yes, but she passed feels so loaded. But I would never say no - I did have a sibling. I am not an only child (though I have since been described that way and it breaks my heart).

I’m sorry for your loss! I struggle with that too. I usually say that my older brother died several years ago. I might lighten it a bit by saying something like: “You can probably tell that I’m the baby of the family” which easily shifts most conversations.
I would never say that I’m an only child. Some of the deepest parts of my self / identity have grown out of being my brother’s sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone who's not living with loss now ultimately will. You're allowed to process death in any way you need to, OP. My husband was killed by a drunk driver, and my sister died of an overdose. My father died young of cancer likely caused by exposure to Agent Orange in Vietnam. Anyone asking about my kids' dad or if I have siblings, or my parents gets the truth, however the situation calls for. It's generally not asked by people casually; I have to know them in some fashion for the questions to come up. When they do, I try to answer straight on. Generally I don't feel people are nosy or ghoulish. They are just curious about family structure and history. I'M curious about the marriages and families of others as well.

I admire the way you’ve chosen to handle this. I agree: most people mean well, or are just trying to connect. I only snap when people that I don’t know well press for details. Most people won’t do that. I also get that even most of those people genuinely mean well. But I am also pretty direct with the ones who get too nosy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. Just be frank and concise. You have nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to hide. Just say "Sad to say he O.Ded." I am sure the nosy busy bodies will change the subject but if not feel free to answer as extensively and graphically as you want. It's not your dark secret and it's not your shame. It just happened because it happens to a lot of people. It is what it is

Honest question, do you do this in front of your kids? I’m a PP who lost a sibling to suicide before my children were born and we have not explained the details of how they died to our kids (who are still very young). I have spoken to my therapist about it and thought you generally don’t have that conversation until at least upper elementary school if you can help it. Hence my willingness to be vague even if people assume.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. Just be frank and concise. You have nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to hide. Just say "Sad to say he O.Ded." I am sure the nosy busy bodies will change the subject but if not feel free to answer as extensively and graphically as you want. It's not your dark secret and it's not your shame. It just happened because it happens to a lot of people. It is what it is

Honest question, do you do this in front of your kids? I’m a PP who lost a sibling to suicide before my children were born and we have not explained the details of how they died to our kids (who are still very young). I have spoken to my therapist about it and thought you generally don’t have that conversation until at least upper elementary school if you can help it. Hence my willingness to be vague even if people assume.

PP - I may be wrong but I doubt some answering this thread have experienced a sudden/untimely loss of a immediate family member.

In my case (death related to MH, but not a suicide or OD), we started giving details in upper elementary. My kids are teens now and can speak about her death without trauma but also with a full understanding of what occurred. But under no circumstance would I give the (very grisly) accounting of her death to others just to shut them up. Her death, and the terrible details surrounding it, are not a means to shut up busy bodies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I am so sorry for your loss.

My sister died 20 year ago and I honestly still haven't figured this out. I usually deflect.

The one question I really struggle with is "do you have any siblings?" What do I say? "Yes, but she passed feels so loaded. But I would never say no - I did have a sibling. I am not an only child (though I have since been described that way and it breaks my heart).

I’m sorry for your loss! I struggle with that too. I usually say that my older brother died several years ago. I might lighten it a bit by saying something like: “You can probably tell that I’m the baby of the family” which easily shifts most conversations.
I would never say that I’m an only child. Some of the deepest parts of my self / identity have grown out of being my brother’s sister.

Thanks for that advice. I like it.

I find it a slightly harder question to answer when there are only two (but hard regardless) because any follow up questions don’t lend to a vague response (e.g. does she live nearby?).

And yes, the only child comments are so difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I lost a sibling to cancer and my husband to suicide. My answer to both is “unfortunately, he passed unexpectedly” then carry on to a new topic. I have had a handful of people who want to pry and I look them dead in the eye and say “he shot himself in our shower.” That usually wraps that conversation.

I came on here because my brother and father both died on the younger side but I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for what you went through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone knows how someone died if people don’t say how they died. How can people be so clueless as to ask?

On the flip side, when I mention my mom’s death, I always say “from cancer” so then they don’t have to follow up.

No, they don’t. My friend died under unusual circumstances but it was not suicide. That doesn’t mean I want to discuss the details like it’s gossip w people who hardly knew her.

Okay, you have some random exception. But yeah 99% of the time, if people are mum, its suicide.

No, it's usually either suicide or drug overdose. Although I don't understand why people are so afraid of mentioning either one. It doesn't help destigmatize anything.

Maybe it’s usually suicide or drugs but there are plenty of other causes of sudden, unexpected death that young people also experience: aneurysm, heart attack, blood clot, stroke. These things don’t only happen to old, unhealthy people.