How to respond when asked about deceased sibling

[Anonymous]

Would love to hear from others who have lost a sibling or someone whose death was very unexpected. How do you respond when people ask about them without wanting to have a long, drawn out, awkward conversation?

Of course close friends and family know what happened but many do not, and the circumstances of my sibling’s passing are not something I really want to get into or discuss. Recently I have had friends or colleagues very innocently ask how my sibling is, or people who I don’t know well ask if I have any siblings. I keep freezing on how to respond and what the best response is.

When I say I have a sibling who passed away I seem to get barraged with questions I really don’t want to answer - what happened, was it expected, when, do I need anything, stories about someone they knew who passed away, etc.

When people I know ask how my sibling is (often just small talk to be nice), it’s equally awkward to talk about it, especially because my family didn’t want it to be big news. And they still seem to ask the questions above.

Yesterday someone asked me how my sibling is doing and I didn’t want to get into it, so I said “just fine” and changed the subject, but now that’s even worse should this person ever find out what happened.

Does anyone else feel this way?

[Anonymous]

Yes, I feel that way when asked about my brother who died of an accidental overdose. I simply say "he passed away suddenly in 2018" then change the subject.

[Anonymous]

First, I’m truly sorry for your loss.

Any person who goes beyond ‘I’m so sorry to hear that, please let me know if I can help with xxx’ after you simply reply ‘my sibling passed away in January’ is beyond rude.

A simple, direct ‘Larla passed away in January’ is ALL you need to say. If they are rude and follow up with more questions, simply say ‘I really don’t want to talk about it.’ That’s it. If they push further, you would not be rude to simply walk away.

[Anonymous]

Just remember you never owe anyone an answer or explanation

I’m sorry, PP

[Anonymous]

My brother died suddenly in 2006. I recall it was very difficult for me when I would run into somebody who wasn't aware of that and asked about him. It was hard to see the shock on their face and then they wanted to know all about it. I didn't lie about it but I dreaded those incidents. Eventually it stopped though. I don't have any advice as to how to avoid that pain, sorry. I do sympathize though.

[Anonymous]

If someone asks follow up questions, just say you’d rather not talk about it. It’s none of their business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, I’m truly sorry for your loss.

Any person who goes beyond ‘I’m so sorry to hear that, please let me know if I can help with xxx’ after you simply reply ‘my sibling passed away in January’ is beyond rude.

A simple, direct ‘Larla passed away in January’ is ALL you need to say. If they are rude and follow up with more questions, simply say ‘I really don’t want to talk about it.’ That’s it. If they push further, you would not be rude to simply walk away.

+1. If these people are not close enough to you to already know what happened, they should not be asking those questions.

[Anonymous]

The key is to move the conversation along.

Them: Hey, how's Drew?
You: Um, actually he passed away last fall. I'm still processing and not ready to talk about it. Did you decide on which camps you're signing Chloe and Zoe up for this summer?

Their response should now be: Oh I'm so sorry to hear that. If you ever want to talk I'm here for you. Chloe's going to clown camp and Zoe's taking underwater basketweaving. What do you have Farah and Sarah doing?

If their response stops on your sibling's death, just again repeat "I'm not ready to talk about it," and repeat your changing-the-subject question. If they don't respect THAT, just walk away or hang up or whatever. You don't owe answers.

[Anonymous]

“S/he died under unfortunate circumstances in 2021”.

People who are not clueless will understand that somewhat vague statement means it’s not open for discussion. People not so sharp might ask what happened, and you can just say you won’t discuss it.

[Anonymous]

I’ve honestly never had this happen. I say: My brother died unexpectedly when he was 25. And I look at them. Then they say they’re sorry to hear that. I wait a beat, and then change the subject for them.

I’m also capable of saying things like: “I’d rather not discuss something so personal, but (change to chipper voice) if YOU would like to discuss some of the painful losses in YOUR life, we can do that now!”

Obviously, I handled this differently closer to the time of his death. Now, my first assumption is that people innocently ask what’s intended to be a well-meaning question. I pause and try to politely give them an out. Everyone, so far, has accepted the subject change.

I’m sorry for your loss, OP.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry for your loss. It is incredibly rude for people to ask follow up questions or keep pressing when when it’s clear you don’t want to talk about it. I think saying whatever you need to say is just fine, even if it’s not the truth.

Personally, I found it is easier for me to give a factual, blunt answer and then explicitly say I don’t want to talk about it. In my case ‘he died suddenly in his sleep 6 months ago from an undiagnosed heart condition, and I would rather not talk about it.’ And then I immediately change the subject or say I have to leave to cut off all the ‘I’m so sorry, how is his wife’ etc because I just don’t want to deal with it. I have found that people are just so damn curious and nosey, just saying ‘he passed away’ pretty much invariably brought questions about when and why, and I would rather just say it once clearly and be done. No one is owed this information, but I also have no particular reason for keeping it secret, so this works for me.

[Anonymous]

I have lied about my sibling's death, too. It wasn't a big secret or great scandal, but there were times when I just could not manage to say the words out loud. Sparing the discomfort for the person that asked but mostly sparing my own.

[Anonymous]

Just tell people that they died and you don't want to talk about it. They will mostly be relieved that they don't have to think of something to say.

[Anonymous]

For friends/people who know the person or you well: "She passed away suddenly from something medical and it was pretty traumatic so I don't discuss it." Repeat as many times as needed.

For strangers/acquaintances- there is no need to discuss/mention the person so just agree/gloss over.

It's the perfect answer because it covers everything. Every death is medical but it at least covers the health/addiction/suicide options on all levels so it shuts it down. It will weed out your most clueless/hurtful/insensitive friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would love to hear from others who have lost a sibling or someone whose death was very unexpected. How do you respond when people ask about them without wanting to have a long, drawn out, awkward conversation?

Of course close friends and family know what happened but many do not, and the circumstances of my sibling’s passing are not something I really want to get into or discuss. Recently I have had friends or colleagues very innocently ask how my sibling is, or people who I don’t know well ask if I have any siblings. I keep freezing on how to respond and what the best response is.

When I say I have a sibling who passed away I seem to get barraged with questions I really don’t want to answer - what happened, was it expected, when, do I need anything, stories about someone they knew who passed away, etc.

When people I know ask how my sibling is (often just small talk to be nice), it’s equally awkward to talk about it, especially because my family didn’t want it to be big news. And they still seem to ask the questions above.

Yesterday someone asked me how my sibling is doing and I didn’t want to get into it, so I said “just fine” and changed the subject, but now that’s even worse should this person ever find out what happened.

Does anyone else feel this way?

I’m very sorry for your loss. I lost a sibling in a way I’m not comfortable sharing with almost anyone (most of my friends don’t know any details). I have a stock phrase that I say when people ask about it “x passed away several years ago. It’s still very difficult to talk about “. Then, like others have said I try to move the conversation along.