How to respond when asked about deceased sibling

[Anonymous]

I lost 2 siblings to suicide over 20 years ago. Around the times of their death, I'd just say something along the lines of 'they died unexpectedly in Month/Year'. If they persisted ("OMG! What happened?") I'd just say, 'it was sudden'. If they persisted, I'd flat out say "do you not realize I don't want to talk about it?" and give them a point stare for a moment and then change the subject. That didn't happen very often but in one notable case, the person persisted and I laid it out with some bite in my tone. I was pissed and, I have to say, I kind of relished the shock factor of it.

IME, people are worried they've hurt your feelings or made you uncomfortable when you tell them you've lost your loved one. It was hard for me when my grief was still raw but I worked to keep my game face on and change the conversation. It's gotten a lot easier of the years as long as I keep in my shallow mode. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

People sometimes ask me how many siblings I have. I say 6, 5 living. It is unusual for them to ask follow up questions. When they do, I keep it short.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry for your loss. It is incredibly rude for people to ask follow up questions or keep pressing when when it’s clear you don’t want to talk about it. I think saying whatever you need to say is just fine, even if it’s not the truth.

Personally, I found it is easier for me to give a factual, blunt answer and then explicitly say I don’t want to talk about it. In my case ‘he died suddenly in his sleep 6 months ago from an undiagnosed heart condition, and I would rather not talk about it.’ And then I immediately change the subject or say I have to leave to cut off all the ‘I’m so sorry, how is his wife’ etc because I just don’t want to deal with it. I have found that people are just so damn curious and nosey, just saying ‘he passed away’ pretty much invariably brought questions about when and why, and I would rather just say it once clearly and be done. No one is owed this information, but I also have no particular reason for keeping it secret, so this works for me.

Yep, this. Also, if you're truly interested in protecting your privacy, you should lie.

Although I never ask nosy questions about someone's death, I think it is natural to be curious when a young, seemingly healthy person passes away. If you give some of the answers on this thread, know that you're pretty much ANNOUNCING that your sibling OD'd or killed themselves.

You can just fudge the truth a little or a lot. Accidental OD can become an "undiagnosed heart condition," since many OD's cause heart attacks. Suicide can become something else brain related, like a stroke a stroke or aneurism. Like PP said, follow it up with, "I would rather not talk about it."

[Anonymous]

A week ago we were at church and after church attended a luncheon. A friend of ours was visiting and went with us. His wife died of cancer in October after it was discovered at the end of August. Many, many people were unaware that 1) she had cancer, and 2) that she died. This friend and his wife were well known in our community. I cannot tell you how many people saw him and innocently asked "Where's Larla? I want to see her!" Our friend simply said "I am sorry to tell you that Larla passed away in October, not related to Covid. It was very sudden and I really don't feel like talking about it right now. Thank you for understanding." Every single person who heard that, including some of our busiest busybodies, honored that request.

My point is that many posters here are assuming that everyone knows that your spouse or sibling or child has died. Many people don't. When they ask after that person, try to remember that they probably have good intentions, not bad. And understand that of course they are going to be shocked if they thought your loved one was alive and they just found out the loved one is deceased. Most people don't set out to be a-holes. So if you have someone in your life who is deceased, and you don't want to talk about it, come up with what you're going to say and then keep repeating to yourself that they didn't know it was going to upset you because, you know, they didn't.

I am sorry for your loss, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry for your loss. It is incredibly rude for people to ask follow up questions or keep pressing when when it’s clear you don’t want to talk about it. I think saying whatever you need to say is just fine, even if it’s not the truth.

Personally, I found it is easier for me to give a factual, blunt answer and then explicitly say I don’t want to talk about it. In my case ‘he died suddenly in his sleep 6 months ago from an undiagnosed heart condition, and I would rather not talk about it.’ And then I immediately change the subject or say I have to leave to cut off all the ‘I’m so sorry, how is his wife’ etc because I just don’t want to deal with it. I have found that people are just so damn curious and nosey, just saying ‘he passed away’ pretty much invariably brought questions about when and why, and I would rather just say it once clearly and be done. No one is owed this information, but I also have no particular reason for keeping it secret, so this works for me.

Yep, this. Also, if you're truly interested in protecting your privacy, you should lie.

Although I never ask nosy questions about someone's death, I think it is natural to be curious when a young, seemingly healthy person passes away. If you give some of the answers on this thread, know that you're pretty much ANNOUNCING that your sibling OD'd or killed themselves.

You can just fudge the truth a little or a lot. Accidental OD can become an "undiagnosed heart condition," since many OD's cause heart attacks. Suicide can become something else brain related, like a stroke a stroke or aneurism. Like PP said, follow it up with, "I would rather not talk about it."

Great advice from both PPs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, I’m truly sorry for your loss.

Any person who goes beyond ‘I’m so sorry to hear that, please let me know if I can help with xxx’ after you simply reply ‘my sibling passed away in January’ is beyond rude.

A simple, direct ‘Larla passed away in January’ is ALL you need to say. If they are rude and follow up with more questions, simply say ‘I really don’t want to talk about it.’ That’s it. If they push further, you would not be rude to simply walk away

It really is not rude to ask how someone died. If someone asks you how your sibling is doing, it's because either they too know the sibling, or you talk about your sibling frequently. Seriously, do you just randomly ask your coworkers or acquaintances how their siblings are doing? No. Unless you know the sibling personally, or the person talks about the sibling A LOT.

And, it would be understandable if you replied "I'm sorry, I don't want to discuss it," in response. Pushing beyond that is rude.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry, OP.

My best friend died suddenly and very unexpectedly in an accident in her home at age 25. There are many factors involved and it’s quite complicated (no simple, one sentence explanation). Obviously this is different as she was not my sibling so I don’t often run into people who ask me about her but it has happened 5-6 times in the past 12 years since she died. I still 12 years later don’t want to talk about it with anyone who didn’t know her well (and if they knew her well, they already know what happened). I just say unfortunately she died suddenly and unexpectedly at age 25 (or in 2009) and leave it at that. Most people just say oh so sorry and leave it alone bc they must be able to tell from the tone of my voice/look on my face that I don’t want to discuss it further. But I have had a few people press further “was it a car accident?” “Was she sick?” And I just say “no, it’s more complicated but I’d rather not discuss it.” and change the topic. I don’t want to be rude in general but frankly don’t really care if someone who is rude about this topic thinks I’m rude in return.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry for your loss. It is incredibly rude for people to ask follow up questions or keep pressing when when it’s clear you don’t want to talk about it. I think saying whatever you need to say is just fine, even if it’s not the truth.

Personally, I found it is easier for me to give a factual, blunt answer and then explicitly say I don’t want to talk about it. In my case ‘he died suddenly in his sleep 6 months ago from an undiagnosed heart condition, and I would rather not talk about it.’ And then I immediately change the subject or say I have to leave to cut off all the ‘I’m so sorry, how is his wife’ etc because I just don’t want to deal with it. I have found that people are just so damn curious and nosey, just saying ‘he passed away’ pretty much invariably brought questions about when and why, and I would rather just say it once clearly and be done. No one is owed this information, but I also have no particular reason for keeping it secret, so this works for me.

Yep, this. Also, if you're truly interested in protecting your privacy, you should lie.

Although I never ask nosy questions about someone's death, I think it is natural to be curious when a young, seemingly healthy person passes away. If you give some of the answers on this thread, know that you're pretty much ANNOUNCING that your sibling OD'd or killed themselves.

You can just fudge the truth a little or a lot. Accidental OD can become an "undiagnosed heart condition," since many OD's cause heart attacks. Suicide can become something else brain related, like a stroke a stroke or aneurism. Like PP said, follow it up with, "I would rather not talk about it."

i just want to support the lying option if you feel like it's what you need in the moment. i'm an honest, frank person, but wished i had learned earlier that i don't need to answer, explain or even acknowledge questions that gut me -- especially when someone unimportant is asking. i know that sounds harsh, but in grief like this, it's your peace that matters most OP, do what you need to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A week ago we were at church and after church attended a luncheon. A friend of ours was visiting and went with us. His wife died of cancer in October after it was discovered at the end of August. Many, many people were unaware that 1) she had cancer, and 2) that she died. This friend and his wife were well known in our community. I cannot tell you how many people saw him and innocently asked "Where's Larla? I want to see her!" Our friend simply said "I am sorry to tell you that Larla passed away in October, not related to Covid. It was very sudden and I really don't feel like talking about it right now. Thank you for understanding." Every single person who heard that, including some of our busiest busybodies, honored that request.

My point is that many posters here are assuming that everyone knows that your spouse or sibling or child has died. Many people don't. When they ask after that person, try to remember that they probably have good intentions, not bad. And understand that of course they are going to be shocked if they thought your loved one was alive and they just found out the loved one is deceased. Most people don't set out to be a-holes. So if you have someone in your life who is deceased, and you don't want to talk about it, come up with what you're going to say and then keep repeating to yourself that they didn't know it was going to upset you because, you know, they didn't.

I am sorry for your loss, OP.

Great post!

I agree that most people are not just being overly curious busybodies. In the case of my brother dying the people who made me the most uncomfortable were the ones who knew him and loved him, much like I did, and were shocked and very saddened to hear he was gone, often to the point of tears. It was hard but I tried to remember that everything is not all about me and be empathetic to their feelings. I typically told them when and where and how he died (sudden heart attack) although I'm not sure what I would have said had it been an overdose or suicide, that's much more difficult to just talk openly about I'll admit.

[Anonymous]

My sibling died when we were both in our 20s. Never thought anyone would have thought they OD’d because they were young. Though when asked (or before they asked) I let them know it was cancer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just remember you never owe anyone an answer or explanation

I’m sorry, PP

+1

Same here, and it really was in their sleep (ie: no drugs and no foul play - proven by PD). People always want to assume the worst, ort at least that you have it as bad as them.

Eff them, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just remember you never owe anyone an answer or explanation

I’m sorry, PP

+1

Same here, and it really was in their sleep (ie: no drugs and no foul play - proven by PD). People always want to assume the worst, ort at least that you have it as bad as them.

Eff them, OP.

*or

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People sometimes ask me how many siblings I have. I say 6, 5 living. It is unusual for them to ask follow up questions. When they do, I keep it short.

+1

NTFB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People sometimes ask me how many siblings I have. I say 6, 5 living. It is unusual for them to ask follow up questions. When they do, I keep it short.

+1

NTFB.

Same here. I say one living and one has passed.

[Anonymous]

DH just says his sister passed away ten years ago and leaves it at that unless someone actually knew her and asks how she died.