How to respond when asked about deceased sibling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People sometimes ask me how many siblings I have. I say 6, 5 living. It is unusual for them to ask follow up questions. When they do, I keep it short.

My sister passed away last year in her 30s.

When people ask me about my family or where my siblings live, I don’t want to mention her having died, but leaving her out feels disrespectful.

[Anonymous]

Everyone knows how someone died if people don’t say how they died. How can people be so clueless as to ask?

On the flip side, when I mention my mom’s death, I always say “from cancer” so then they don’t have to follow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People sometimes ask me how many siblings I have. I say 6, 5 living. It is unusual for them to ask follow up questions. When they do, I keep it short.

My sister passed away last year in her 30s.

When people ask me about my family or where my siblings live, I don’t want to mention her having died, but leaving her out feels disrespectful.

You're respecting yourself and your feelings, and that's okay. When you're ready, you'll talk about her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone knows how someone died if people don’t say how they died. How can people be so clueless as to ask?

On the flip side, when I mention my mom’s death, I always say “from cancer” so then they don’t have to follow up.

No, they don’t. My friend died under unusual circumstances but it was not suicide. That doesn’t mean I want to discuss the details like it’s gossip w people who hardly knew her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, I’m truly sorry for your loss.

Any person who goes beyond ‘I’m so sorry to hear that, please let me know if I can help with xxx’ after you simply reply ‘my sibling passed away in January’ is beyond rude.

A simple, direct ‘Larla passed away in January’ is ALL you need to say. If they are rude and follow up with more questions, simply say ‘I really don’t want to talk about it.’ That’s it. If they push further, you would not be rude to simply walk away

It really is not rude to ask how someone died. If someone asks you how your sibling is doing, it's because either they too know the sibling, or you talk about your sibling frequently. Seriously, do you just randomly ask your coworkers or acquaintances how their siblings are doing? No. Unless you know the sibling personally, or the person talks about the sibling A LOT.

And, it would be understandable if you replied "I'm sorry, I don't want to discuss it," in response. Pushing beyond that is rude.

Pro tip: if someone wants you to know how a sibling/spouse/relative died they would just tell you. As in, Larla died of cancer/a heart attack/stroke.

I have never in my life directly asked how someone died! Ye gods.

[Anonymous]

My sibling died young and i avoid it by saying i don’t have siblings. This leads some people to make a comment about only children, and then i correct them. But otherwise I leave it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone knows how someone died if people don’t say how they died. How can people be so clueless as to ask?

On the flip side, when I mention my mom’s death, I always say “from cancer” so then they don’t have to follow up.

No, they don’t. My friend died under unusual circumstances but it was not suicide. That doesn’t mean I want to discuss the details like it’s gossip w people who hardly knew her.

Okay, you have some random exception. But yeah 99% of the time, if people are mum, its suicide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“S/he died under unfortunate circumstances in 2021”.

People who are not clueless will understand that somewhat vague statement means it’s not open for discussion. People not so sharp might ask what happened, and you can just say you won’t discuss it.

Terrible advice. Don't say unfortunate circumstances. That just invites gossip.

[Anonymous]

Side question, how do you now answer, how many brothers and sisters do you have?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A week ago we were at church and after church attended a luncheon. A friend of ours was visiting and went with us. His wife died of cancer in October after it was discovered at the end of August. Many, many people were unaware that 1) she had cancer, and 2) that she died. This friend and his wife were well known in our community. I cannot tell you how many people saw him and innocently asked "Where's Larla? I want to see her!" Our friend simply said "I am sorry to tell you that Larla passed away in October, not related to Covid. It was very sudden and I really don't feel like talking about it right now. Thank you for understanding." Every single person who heard that, including some of our busiest busybodies, honored that request.

My point is that many posters here are assuming that everyone knows that your spouse or sibling or child has died. Many people don't. When they ask after that person, try to remember that they probably have good intentions, not bad. And understand that of course they are going to be shocked if they thought your loved one was alive and they just found out the loved one is deceased. Most people don't set out to be a-holes. So if you have someone in your life who is deceased, and you don't want to talk about it, come up with what you're going to say and then keep repeating to yourself that they didn't know it was going to upset you because, you know, they didn't.

I am sorry for your loss, OP.

"I prefer not to talk about it. Thank you for understanding."

That's the best answer. Anyone who presses for details after hearing that is a complete glassbowl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone knows how someone died if people don’t say how they died. How can people be so clueless as to ask?

On the flip side, when I mention my mom’s death, I always say “from cancer” so then they don’t have to follow up.

Then “everyone “ is wrong. My brother died unexpectedly at the age of 25. It was not suicide. It was not violent. His death shattered the few strands of family interaction between my already divorced parents, and added an extreme level of distress to my life at an already stressful time. It’s nobody’s business how he died, and not my responsibility to assuage their curiosity or their assumptions at the cost of my own discomfort.

How clueless to assume.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone knows how someone died if people don’t say how they died. How can people be so clueless as to ask?

On the flip side, when I mention my mom’s death, I always say “from cancer” so then they don’t have to follow up.

No, they don’t. My friend died under unusual circumstances but it was not suicide. That doesn’t mean I want to discuss the details like it’s gossip w people who hardly knew her.

Okay, you have some random exception. But yeah 99% of the time, if people are mum, its suicide.

No, it's usually either suicide or drug overdose. Although I don't understand why people are so afraid of mentioning either one. It doesn't help destigmatize anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone knows how someone died if people don’t say how they died. How can people be so clueless as to ask?

On the flip side, when I mention my mom’s death, I always say “from cancer” so then they don’t have to follow up.

No, they don’t. My friend died under unusual circumstances but it was not suicide. That doesn’t mean I want to discuss the details like it’s gossip w people who hardly knew her.

Okay, you have some random exception. But yeah 99% of the time, if people are mum, its suicide.

No, it's usually either suicide or drug overdose. Although I don't understand why people are so afraid of mentioning either one. It doesn't help destigmatize anything.

Okay, I agree with that. But I also think that taking drugs is quasi-suicidal behavior. Mentally healthy people don't do it. So there's that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone knows how someone died if people don’t say how they died. How can people be so clueless as to ask?

On the flip side, when I mention my mom’s death, I always say “from cancer” so then they don’t have to follow up.

No, they don’t. My friend died under unusual circumstances but it was not suicide. That doesn’t mean I want to discuss the details like it’s gossip w people who hardly knew her.

Okay, you have some random exception. But yeah 99% of the time, if people are mum, its suicide.

No, it's usually either suicide or drug overdose. Although I don't understand why people are so afraid of mentioning either one. It doesn't help destigmatize anything.

My sister dropped dead mid-sentence talking to my parents. Dad said he knew she was dead before she hit the floor. Other than A-fib, very healthy middle aged woman. We have no idea what killed her. With all that said, why are people so awkward. You all need to get over yourselves. Most of us have tragedies in our lives. So many of these responsed, "I prefer not to talk about it..." are just inviting more drama. Just be direct without being evasive. It's not that hard.

[Anonymous]

I have a sleeve of music tattooed around my left arm, from my bicep to my wrist, in memory of my brother. No one else has one like it. If someone asks about it, I tell them it's in his memory,, I tell them the song I used, and that turns into a discussion about music. It's a beautiful work of art and it leaves people with a good feeling, instead of leaving them feeling morbid.