How to respond when asked about deceased sibling

[Anonymous]

"I know this is shocking, but she passed. Honestly, I'm not up for talking about it".

[Anonymous]

I lost a sibling to cancer and my husband to suicide. My answer to both is “unfortunately, he passed unexpectedly” then carry on to a new topic. I have had a handful of people who want to pry and I look them dead in the eye and say “he shot himself in our shower.” That usually wraps that conversation.

[Anonymous]

When people ask me how many siblings I have, I say I am the youngest of four. I dont have to tell them one is not alive anymore. Sister died in 2002 of cancer at age 36 .... the first few months were very hard. People knew she was ill, but she didn't live near here, so didn't know she had passed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Everyone knows how someone died if people don’t say how they died. How can people be so clueless as to ask?

On the flip side, when I mention my mom’s death, I always say “from cancer” so then they don’t have to follow up.

No, they don’t. My friend died under unusual circumstances but it was not suicide. That doesn’t mean I want to discuss the details like it’s gossip w people who hardly knew her.

Okay, you have some random exception. But yeah 99% of the time, if people are mum, its suicide.

No, it's usually either suicide or drug overdose. Although I don't understand why people are so afraid of mentioning either one. It doesn't help destigmatize anything.

Okay, I agree with that. But I also think that taking drugs is quasi-suicidal behavior. Mentally healthy people don't do it. So there's that.

For me, I tell people that my brother died of overdose when they ask what happened. And yes, even if it wasn't deliberate, it really seems like passive suicide.

I hate that's how he died; he was one of the kindest, gentlest, and most generous people I'll ever know. His years-long addiction was a secret - it blew all of our minds to find out about it - and I can't help but feel that if he hadn't been so ashamed to say what was going on that he might still be alive. We're not "the kind of family" that most people would associate with heroin OD and I feel like saying it out loud might not only be authentic but also chip away at what makes it hard for others to say out loud.

I get and respect that others might not be ready to disclose their own experiences, and that's ok too. But if someone asks me what happened to him, I don't elaborate, but I also don't hide or sugarcoat it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Everyone knows how someone died if people don’t say how they died. How can people be so clueless as to ask?

On the flip side, when I mention my mom’s death, I always say “from cancer” so then they don’t have to follow up.

No, they don’t. My friend died under unusual circumstances but it was not suicide. That doesn’t mean I want to discuss the details like it’s gossip w people who hardly knew her.

Okay, you have some random exception. But yeah 99% of the time, if people are mum, its suicide.

No, it's usually either suicide or drug overdose. Although I don't understand why people are so afraid of mentioning either one. It doesn't help destigmatize anything.

Okay, I agree with that. But I also think that taking drugs is quasi-suicidal behavior. Mentally healthy people don't do it. So there's that.

For me, I tell people that my brother died of overdose when they ask what happened. And yes, even if it wasn't deliberate, it really seems like passive suicide.

I hate that's how he died; he was one of the kindest, gentlest, and most generous people I'll ever know. His years-long addiction was a secret - it blew all of our minds to find out about it - and I can't help but feel that if he hadn't been so ashamed to say what was going on that he might still be alive. We're not "the kind of family" that most people would associate with heroin OD and I feel like saying it out loud might not only be authentic but also chip away at what makes it hard for others to say out loud.

I get and respect that others might not be ready to disclose their own experiences, and that's ok too. But if someone asks me what happened to him, I don't elaborate, but I also don't hide or sugarcoat it.

+1 Same. In my case it was a favorite cousin and he died by OD also. That may be where our similarity ends. Nicest guy in the world but, holy moly, when he was jonesing for a hit you didn't want to be in his way cuz he would mow down his momma for a few bucks to get it. Life with an addict can be brutal and all of us in his world knew it. He was in and out of rehab centers for years. When he was really on a binge then we had security at his momma's house so he wouldn't break in and rob her blind. So when people ask about how he died, we tell it flat out as a PSA because we want his life to be a warning to everyone else: don't go down his path. He is proof positive that you can have what appears to be everything you could ever need in life but it isn't enough. RIP cuz. We miss you but we don't miss the trauma. We hope you're at peace now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“S/he died under unfortunate circumstances in 2021”.

People who are not clueless will understand that somewhat vague statement means it’s not open for discussion. People not so sharp might ask what happened, and you can just say you won’t discuss it.

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OP, I wouldn't use this language. I'd avoid "unfortunate circumstances." It practically says in bright neon letters "Something unusual happened" and that only makes people start to spin out scenarios in their heads, which could be worse than the reality was. This is language that gets speculation started. While you can't control what people think or how they respond, you can opt not to use words that encourage speculation.

OP, create a script you can use every time. "He/she died (whenever). I'm still processing it, as it was sudden, and I'm sure you'll understand. -- How is Sally's new job going?" Be direct, say you're processing it (that's a softer way to say you don't want to talk), add "I'm sure you'll understand" and then change the topic right away to focus on the other person. If the other person asks, "But what happened?" You can say, "It was unexpected so I'm still finding it hard to discuss." Then a new topic, again.

I"m sorry for your loss, OP. My brother died unexpectedly in 2020 during a routine, outpatient medical procedure he'd had several times previously without issues. A risk each time that was minimal but he was one of the few for whom the minimal risk became a very sudden reality. I am able at least to say, "He died unexpectedly during a routine procedure, so it was surprising, but not shocking. It was very sad for his wife and for us." If you can't give any information at all about your sibling, though, I understand, and I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry for your loss. I honestly would just say- "unfortunately my brother has died and I still find it difficult to talk about" and then hopefully they get the point.

[Anonymous]

OP - I am so sorry for your loss.

My sister died 20 year ago and I honestly still haven't figured this out. I usually deflect.

The one question I really struggle with is "do you have any siblings?" What do I say? "Yes, but she passed feels so loaded. But I would never say no - I did have a sibling. I am not an only child (though I have since been described that way and it breaks my heart).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone knows how someone died if people don’t say how they died. How can people be so clueless as to ask?

On the flip side, when I mention my mom’s death, I always say “from cancer” so then they don’t have to follow up.

No, you really don't. My sister did not commit suicide or OD. But I am also not going to go into it unless I am in the mood/know you fairly well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry for your loss. I honestly would just say- "unfortunately my brother has died and I still find it difficult to talk about" and then hopefully they get the point.

The problem is OP will be answering these questions for a long time. I posted above that my sister died 20 years ago. Since people will often ask if you have siblings, you are faced with these questions more often than you would think.

[Anonymous]

OP, a phrase such as, "it was unexpected" or "a brief illness" or an "auto accident" gives the person enough info - if they knew this siblings, you should be able to understand they'd prefer *a little* info. Though you certainly aren't required to even provide that. Something short and then your next statement of, "I'd like to move on and talk about something else"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone knows how someone died if people don’t say how they died. How can people be so clueless as to ask?

On the flip side, when I mention my mom’s death, I always say “from cancer” so then they don’t have to follow up.

No, they don’t. My friend died under unusual circumstances but it was not suicide. That doesn’t mean I want to discuss the details like it’s gossip w people who hardly knew her.

Okay, you have some random exception. But yeah 99% of the time, if people are mum, its suicide.

No, it's usually either suicide or drug overdose. Although I don't understand why people are so afraid of mentioning either one. It doesn't help destigmatize anything.

You don’t understand why people don’t want to discuss painful, personal experiences with someone who makes incorrect assumptions? Why should grieving people be tasked with assuaging the curiosity of random, socially challenged people?

[Anonymous]

I totally get it.

I have also said "fine" and then changed the subject before. Yes it would be super weird if those people later found out.

It's really hard, I'm sorry OP and others in the same boat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Side question, how do you now answer, how many brothers and sisters do you have?

If it's someone I don't think is going to really play a role in my life, I say I'm an only child. If it's someone I will likely know for years, I say I had a brother but he died years ago.

[Anonymous]

I don't know. Just be frank and concise. You have nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to hide. Just say "Sad to say he O.Ded." I am sure the nosy busy bodies will change the subject but if not feel free to answer as extensively and graphically as you want. It's not your dark secret and it's not your shame. It just happened because it happens to a lot of people. It is what it is