Ramifications of marrying outside of your social class

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Growing up UMC is about paying attention to quality. Rather than make it combative, talk to him about paying for the quality. LMC makes one sensitive to waste and excess, learn from him about what not to spend a lot of money on. Work together...

WRT jeans and t-shirts, buy higher quality products - he keeps his "style" and you feel better about it.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What have been some downsides to marrying outside your social class?

I grew up UC/UMC and my dh grew up MC/LMC. There are some cultural differences that become annoying such as the following:

- He thinks everything is expensive and does not have reasonable ideas about cost and quality. He will always go for the cheapest thing
- Horrible taste in food. He will buy these frozen prepared foods from Wegmans and think it is healthy
- Dresses in graphic T-shirts and jeans and a baseball cap. ALL THE TIME!
- Has a chip on his shoulder about "rich people" and higher education

Does he not understand that quality bags cost at least 10k?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Downsides of marrying someone whose family is from wealth and privilege is realizing that America is not at all the meritocracy I thought it was growing up MC, at public schools, etc. The smugness and extreme bubble of the wealthy in DC was eye opening: the social slipstream they exist in because of layers of intergenerational wealth and connections is astounding. How they often break rules or feel the rules don’t apply to them. The self assuredness that comes from knowing there is always a safety net for financial security, or a “back channel” for weaving around barriers most unconnected people would find in their way. The way they justify their lavish lifestyles to themselves, or are often not at all shocked at the corruption, cheating and unfair practices they participate in but don’t really acknowledge. Plus, classist and racist viewpoints and seeing lower class people as just tools toward their ends. Sorry that sounds harsh but it’s been my experience!

I'm an immigrant and was so impressed by how intelligent kids of Trumps, Kennedys, Bushes, Ambanis are for getting degrees from top schools where top students get rejected right and left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What have been some downsides to marrying outside your social class?

I grew up UC/UMC and my dh grew up MC/LMC. There are some cultural differences that become annoying such as the following:

- He thinks everything is expensive and does not have reasonable ideas about cost and quality. He will always go for the cheapest thing
- Horrible taste in food. He will buy these frozen prepared foods from Wegmans and think it is healthy
- Dresses in graphic T-shirts and jeans and a baseball cap. ALL THE TIME!
- Has a chip on his shoulder about "rich people" and higher education

Does he not understand that quality bags cost at least 10k?

[Anonymous]

My DH was LMC/LC, we were UMC/UC. His family was more cultured, more educated and more practical than mine. My family got too caught up with the frivolities of wealth.

Now, admittedly, his family is not the best when it comes to money sense, or the social graces, but overall, I find it refreshing.

[Anonymous]

My husband does some of these things, and I’ve spoken to him about it. Cost is pretty much the first thing he mentions anytime we are taking about a trip or house repair, etc. I do appreciate he doesn’t waste money, though.

He’ll also make certain comments about wealth in a way that would be insulting to very wealthy people. I’ve spoken to him about this, too. I do not know if it will change.

I didn’t grow up wealthy, yet I do not have preconceptions that “rich is bad,” etc.

[Anonymous]

Why did you marry him then?

My kids are growing up UC/UMC. I don’t think they are much different from your DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Downsides of marrying someone whose family is from wealth and privilege is realizing that America is not at all the meritocracy I thought it was growing up MC, at public schools, etc. The smugness and extreme bubble of the wealthy in DC was eye opening: the social slipstream they exist in because of layers of intergenerational wealth and connections is astounding. How they often break rules or feel the rules don’t apply to them. The self assuredness that comes from knowing there is always a safety net for financial security, or a “back channel” for weaving around barriers most unconnected people would find in their way. The way they justify their lavish lifestyles to themselves, or are often not at all shocked at the corruption, cheating and unfair practices they participate in but don’t really acknowledge. Plus, classist and racist viewpoints and seeing lower class people as just tools toward their ends. Sorry that sounds harsh but it’s been my experience!

I'm an immigrant and was so impressed by how intelligent kids of Trumps, Kennedys, Bushes, Ambanis are for getting degrees from top schools where top students get rejected right and left.

You’re impressed? The Trump kids are dumb as rocks. They bought their way in. President Kennedy wrote a terrible application letter that basically said he wanted to go Harvard because his dad attended. No one else could get in with such a bad essay.

Harvard can’t be such a good school if they just let in whatever rich people. The fact of Harvard being excellent is a myth. Anyone whose family donates a massive amount can get in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Downsides of marrying someone whose family is from wealth and privilege is realizing that America is not at all the meritocracy I thought it was growing up MC, at public schools, etc. The smugness and extreme bubble of the wealthy in DC was eye opening: the social slipstream they exist in because of layers of intergenerational wealth and connections is astounding. How they often break rules or feel the rules don’t apply to them. The self assuredness that comes from knowing there is always a safety net for financial security, or a “back channel” for weaving around barriers most unconnected people would find in their way. The way they justify their lavish lifestyles to themselves, or are often not at all shocked at the corruption, cheating and unfair practices they participate in but don’t really acknowledge. Plus, classist and racist viewpoints and seeing lower class people as just tools toward their ends. Sorry that sounds harsh but it’s been my experience!

I'm an immigrant and was so impressed by how intelligent kids of Trumps, Kennedys, Bushes, Ambanis are for getting degrees from top schools where top students get rejected right and left.

You’re impressed? The Trump kids are dumb as rocks. They bought their way in. President Kennedy wrote a terrible application letter that basically said he wanted to go Harvard because his dad attended. No one else could get in with such a bad essay.

Harvard can’t be such a good school if they just let in whatever rich people. The fact of Harvard being excellent is a myth. Anyone whose family donates a massive amount can get in.

I think that's PP's point. They presumed meritocratic entrance to these schools from afar before learning how the game works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Downsides of marrying someone whose family is from wealth and privilege is realizing that America is not at all the meritocracy I thought it was growing up MC, at public schools, etc. The smugness and extreme bubble of the wealthy in DC was eye opening: the social slipstream they exist in because of layers of intergenerational wealth and connections is astounding. How they often break rules or feel the rules don’t apply to them. The self assuredness that comes from knowing there is always a safety net for financial security, or a “back channel” for weaving around barriers most unconnected people would find in their way. The way they justify their lavish lifestyles to themselves, or are often not at all shocked at the corruption, cheating and unfair practices they participate in but don’t really acknowledge. Plus, classist and racist viewpoints and seeing lower class people as just tools toward their ends. Sorry that sounds harsh but it’s been my experience!

I'm an immigrant and was so impressed by how intelligent kids of Trumps, Kennedys, Bushes, Ambanis are for getting degrees from top schools where top students get rejected right and left.

You’re impressed? The Trump kids are dumb as rocks. They bought their way in. President Kennedy wrote a terrible application letter that basically said he wanted to go Harvard because his dad attended. No one else could get in with such a bad essay.

Harvard can’t be such a good school if they just let in whatever rich people. The fact of Harvard being excellent is a myth. Anyone whose family donates a massive amount can get in.

Immigrants don’t know the rules yet, esp if they come from certain parts of the world. The propoganda always paints the rich equivalent to the divine.

[Anonymous]

No major ramifications for us, but I did expose my husband to thing that he would never had experienced if he had married someone in his neighborhood/town.

- reading for pleasure, or even really reading after HS. His parents were busy working all the time, multiple shifts, and they didn't grow up with books in the house. He was fascinated with my reading habits, but now after 20 years of marriage he is a casual reader. He understands getting lost in a story.
- theatre: plays and musicals. He would go with me, but think both the costs of going were exorbitant. Our daughter is a musical fanatic, so he keeps up with songs and will take her to shows
- buying our first home was tough. We qualified for a much larger purchase price, but he couldn't get over spending a "half million" on a home. He would never say 500 thousand. He always translated it to a million.
- food prices. There are a few places he will just concede are better tasting, but he will mention the insanity of paying $20 for a hamburger, when you can get one off of the dollar menu. This has gotten a little better as time has gone on, though if his parents are visiting we just do not let them see menu prices if we go out. He will order and we bring it home, or just have it brought to the table.
- He's having a huge amount of sticker shock at college tuition. It's a lot, but we can afford to pay for our kid's tuition, so I'm insisting on doing so.
- He grew up being charged by his parents for anything outside of shelter/food (from about 14-18). At 18 they had to pay rent to live at home. I really had to put my foot down that we aren't charging our teen and college aged kids for things. We can afford to let them live with us "rent free" while they are actively working and on college breaks. It's not like we are giving them new cars, and fancy electronics, or taking them on shopping trips.

[Anonymous]

Another snobby post brought to you by DCUM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No major ramifications for us, but I did expose my husband to thing that he would never had experienced if he had married someone in his neighborhood/town.

- reading for pleasure, or even really reading after HS. His parents were busy working all the time, multiple shifts, and they didn't grow up with books in the house. He was fascinated with my reading habits, but now after 20 years of marriage he is a casual reader. He understands getting lost in a story.
- theatre: plays and musicals. He would go with me, but think both the costs of going were exorbitant. Our daughter is a musical fanatic, so he keeps up with songs and will take her to shows
- buying our first home was tough. We qualified for a much larger purchase price, but he couldn't get over spending a "half million" on a home. He would never say 500 thousand. He always translated it to a million.
- food prices. There are a few places he will just concede are better tasting, but he will mention the insanity of paying $20 for a hamburger, when you can get one off of the dollar menu. This has gotten a little better as time has gone on, though if his parents are visiting we just do not let them see menu prices if we go out. He will order and we bring it home, or just have it brought to the table.
- He's having a huge amount of sticker shock at college tuition. It's a lot, but we can afford to pay for our kid's tuition, so I'm insisting on doing so.
- He grew up being charged by his parents for anything outside of shelter/food (from about 14-18). At 18 they had to pay rent to live at home. I really had to put my foot down that we aren't charging our teen and college aged kids for things. We can afford to let them live with us "rent free" while they are actively working and on college breaks. It's not like we are giving them new cars, and fancy electronics, or taking them on shopping trips.

This is triggering my own bad memories of my parents. My dad was a bootstrapper but made a good living. Things l had to do even though he could have easily paid:

Buy all my own clothes and shoes starting at 14
Work multiple part time jobs while putting myself through college. I didn’t qualify for loans because my family had too much money. They bought a newer / nicer home over 4000sf after my freshman year, and a new mustang
Inadequate dental care resulting in a lot of crowns and root canals as an adult

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If his exposure to upper class people is you, I understand the chip on his shoulder.

Lol and +1

Op and the majority of UMC/UC posters have no.ides what wealth is or how the wealthy behave.

These threads are amusing.

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure how serious this thread is going to be, but I’ll share. I was in a LTR with a guy from a slightly different american class. Both of our families had similar amounts of income and considered ourselves middle class, but we behaved very differently. Once we attended his friend’s out of town wedding. There was a five hour break between wedding and reception. I wanted to go to Panera; he and his friends wanted to go to McDonald’s because he said his friends weren’t rich snobs like my friends and couldn’t afford Panera (they made more money than I did at my nonprofit job). The meal costs were about the same, but as a vegetarian, there wasn’t much I could eat at McDonald’s. When his mom married for the fourth time, her husband took us out on his boat. We were all expected to bring beer - lots of it. So there were four of us on a boat in 95 degree weather, with a case of beer. Later we drove across state lines to go gambling. It was little behaviors like this about food, alcohol, and how to spend leisure time that caused big fractures in our relationship.