Reply to Long-term relationship after divorce going nowhere. What now?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am the OP and am surprised people are still responding to this, but since you are, I will too!

-I was pretty up front in my first post that I never intended or wanted for him to stop going to Raleigh. Also, I would never move there. That would not be possible for me for many reasons. I think it's just that - like many of you - I didn't think this would be so much of a problem. When I had just gotten divorced, I was excited for alone time. Now, not so much.

-Yes, single moms do have a ton of time. It's exactly what the other poster said. The dads who never did anything are now forced to be dads. It's a weird dynamic in that when I do have my kids, I really struggle to manage everything by myself. There are so many situations that really do require two sets of hands, like when you have two birthday parties or two activities at the same time. I have more than I can handle. But when when they leave, boom. Nothing. I wish I could spread some of the busy-ness out but it doesn't work that way. Not like I can skip grocery shopping half the time or whatever. I am very intentional about trying to do as much as possible when my kids aren't with me, but there is only so much of that I can do.

-A whole bunch of you said to wait for three years. Well, okay - I can do that and I probably will. But I don't want to waste three years when I could be putting them towards a relationship with someone else. I also agree that this is not going to magically be okay. In some ways it could get worse as the older ones go to college, because they will be more dispersed geographically leading to more trips.

-I was typing too quickly and did not do a good job of explaining the time frame of the visits to Raleigh. Nothing sketchy is happening although I appreciate you guys looking out for me! Yes, I have seen the apartment =) I have a fixed 50/50 custody schedule with my children where we know in advance which days I will have them and so forth. His situation is more fluid because of his work. What I was trying to say is that he always schedules his trips to be gone during the weekend when I have my kids, and tries to prioritize being home during the weekend when I don't have my kids. But what that looks like on a weekly basis is different from week to week and month to month, depending on what his kids have going on and his own work commitments. Sometimes he will go down for Fri-Mon, other times Weds - Mon, other times Weds - Weds, etc. If he wants to catch a Friday night sports event he might come back here on a Saturday, even.

-Those of you who are not single really do not have any idea what it is like to be single during a pandemic. While married, I used to have a very busy life with volunteer commitments, regular drinks and dinners with friends, happy hours at work. All of that has completely stopped. This is not the single days of your 20s that you remember.

Yes, it's a hell of a lot better now than it was a year ago, but we are nowhere back to normal life from an "extracurricular activity" perspective, for lack of a better way to put it. When you combine that with the fact that all of my friends are married and have kids, and are with their own families on weekends save for sporadic moms nights out, it's just really lonely. And because of the lack of activity, nobody is meeting new people. I don't see anyone at work either because my entire office is WFH. If my boyfriend is gone while I don't have my kids, I usually will not see another human being that day except for strangers at Starbucks. Even when I do have my kids, I don't really see other adults. Our weekends used to be full of kid stuff and a lot of this has dried up too.

- I did think the therapist thing was strange and I appreciate the validation. [/quote]

OP you are not alone in this situation. I am a single parent and days can go by without me seeing a single adult also.  But I don't focus on that.  I have a wonderful boyfriend. He's there even when we can't physically be together. I focus on my work and my kids.  I work out.  It does have a "lonely" aspect to it but I dont dwell on it.  My kids keep me very busy. We have a good relationship.  My daughter (12yrs) is almost old enough to be excellent company (we go on lots of walks together) and the younger one is just hilarious.  I like the dynamic of the three of us now more than ever.  I most definitely need two sets of hands because they're both in travel sports but I am most certainly not in it with my boyfriend for the help.  I have carpools for that.  He has his own kids to worry about and I like that about him.  What I am trying to get across is that I didn't always like this arrangement but now I do.  He often comes and works from home from my house, he'll come to my kids games, we go to his house for dinner when schedule permits but for the most part we maintain our own space/families and there are many days we don't see one another.  It's beautiful because it's not complicated or weighed down by the day to day stuff of blended families.   Maybe you'll find peace in it...

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