Leaving a man's apartment...is this a red flag, or no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If some guy told me to text him when I got home I’d see that as a huge red flag and wouldn’t go on another date

That’s extreme.

[Anonymous]

A good lesson here for every man: your behavior must be 100 percent perfect, but you have no idea what the right answers are on the exam, because they're whatever an arbitrary woman decides they should be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not a deal breaker or a red flag, but in your position I'd just ask, "Mind walking me down?"

If he refuses, or doesn't offer from that point forward, then it would be a deal breaker.

I am older and would think a gentleman would walk down and ask for a text. It is 12:30 AM! But this would have been a way to tell what it means. This thread is an eye-opener. I appreciate the reminder to be more vocal about what I want.

Good luck, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do women do this for men? Seems a bit sexist to insist only men do something like that.

When someone has has a drink at my house and driven home, I do.

I would absolutely see my girlfriend to an Uber.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s a deal breaker. If you’re 40 and divorced I hope you know to stay outright to him, “I like it when the man in my life is concerned about me getting home safely, could you show you want to hear from me when I get back to make sure I’m safe?”

OP: I would feel totally fine saying this. I guess my concern is if this doesn't come naturally, or he doesn't actually want to do it- what does that mean.

It means he thinks you're a grown woman of 40+ who can call an Uber from his house and either wait there or in his lobby if you prefer. You're making too much of this, and it makes you sound high maintenance.

--woman

It’s ok to have high standards.

—woman

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do women do this for men? Seems a bit sexist to insist only men do something like that.

It's also sexist that more women are raped and sexually assaulted than men. So until that stat evens out as well, I'd day expecting a smidge of concern at 12:30 am is ok.

+ YES - thank you!

Disagree. Do you expect everyone in your circle to call or text you when you are out of sight? When you go to the store? Leave or come from work or the gym? You and op were not in any more danger than you were at any other point during the day.

The idea that you need a guy to check up on you this way comes from the same system of beliefs that feels women are essentially helpless children who should have a male guardian at all times and ironically it's the same system of beliefs that promotes a rape culture.

Disagree that you are just as safe in the middle of the night than you are at noon with fewer people around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Red flag is that he’s in his 40s and still in an apartment.

Ha! My NYC apartment is gorgeous and worth way more than your shit shack.

Yes but if you had a house in NYC it would be worth more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Red flag is that he’s in his 40s and still in an apartment.

Ha! My NYC apartment is gorgeous and worth way more than your shit shack.

I was thinking the same thing. Many big city apartments are gorgeous and expensive. The fact that they’re rentals doesn’t in any way diminish the resident.

An apartment that is not fancy/gorgeous doesn’t diminish the resident either.

Why tf would a single person live in a house? Terrible use of money in a completely undiversified investment

This applies equally to an apartment if it’s worth the same.

[Anonymous]

I’m with OP, I’d see it as a red flag too. It’s common courtesy to make sure the people you care about are safe. I’d wait for the Uber with a man or a woman. It’s not about the OP being incapable of taking care of herself, it’s someone showing concern for her wellbeing. Obviously not everyone thinks like this. But when I drop a friend or someone I’m dating off at their house I wait until they at least open their door before I leave. And I am also a “quick text to let you know I got home” person. So there’s definitely different strokes for different folks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do women do this for men? Seems a bit sexist to insist only men do something like that.

It's also sexist that more women are raped and sexually assaulted than men. So until that stat evens out as well, I'd day expecting a smidge of concern at 12:30 am is ok.

+ YES - thank you!

Disagree. Do you expect everyone in your circle to call or text you when you are out of sight? When you go to the store? Leave or come from work or the gym? You and op were not in any more danger than you were at any other point during the day.

The idea that you need a guy to check up on you this way comes from the same system of beliefs that feels women are essentially helpless children who should have a male guardian at all times and ironically it's the same system of beliefs that promotes a rape culture.

You feel safe as a woman waiting alone for an Uber at 12:30 am on a date with no one knowing where you are? Nope. This is foolish. My friends, sisters and my co-workers, we all are careful, aware of our surroundings and we usually travel in pairs and group text each other when we reach home. With some of my friends we do a quick facetime. Heck, I insist on one of the security guards to escort me to my car in the parking lot if I am working late at night at my work, because there has been incidents of rape and mugging (in Silver Spring BTW).

I don't have to cut off my nose to spite my face. I am happy with equal opportunities, equal pay, paid maternity leave and flexible work schedules - in terms of seeking parity with men. All men that I have dated till now will either escort me home, walk with me to my car or wait for me till I get my taxi, uber, metro etc. Maybe it is just my pretty privilege?? I just don't want to be a victim of violent crime and maybe I do have standards of how I want to be treated. I would have expected this level of concern even if I was visiting my sister. I would have expected to wait with me for the Uber in the lobby or in her apartment and then see me off. BTW - I also always take a picture of the licence plate of the ride and text it to my friends. I have a smartphone and know how to use it. Helpless women are those who cannot take these sensible steps to keep themselves safe.

[Anonymous]

If a woman finds it offensive for her date to see her to the lobby, I’d consider it a red flag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s a deal breaker. If you’re 40 and divorced I hope you know to stay outright to him, “I like it when the man in my life is concerned about me getting home safely, could you show you want to hear from me when I get back to make sure I’m safe?”

OP: I would feel totally fine saying this. I guess my concern is if this doesn't come naturally, or he doesn't actually want to do it- what does that mean.

It means he thinks you're a grown woman of 40+ who can call an Uber from his house and either wait there or in his lobby if you prefer. You're making too much of this, and it makes you sound high maintenance.

--woman

It’s ok to have high standards.

—woman

Np here. I do have high standards for shit that matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do women do this for men? Seems a bit sexist to insist only men do something like that.

It's also sexist that more women are raped and sexually assaulted than men. So until that stat evens out as well, I'd day expecting a smidge of concern at 12:30 am is ok.

+ YES - thank you!

Disagree. Do you expect everyone in your circle to call or text you when you are out of sight? When you go to the store? Leave or come from work or the gym? You and op were not in any more danger than you were at any other point during the day.

The idea that you need a guy to check up on you this way comes from the same system of beliefs that feels women are essentially helpless children who should have a male guardian at all times and ironically it's the same system of beliefs that promotes a rape culture.

You feel safe as a woman waiting alone for an Uber at 12:30 am on a date with no one knowing where you are? Nope. This is foolish. My friends, sisters and my co-workers, we all are careful, aware of our surroundings and we usually travel in pairs and group text each other when we reach home. With some of my friends we do a quick facetime. Heck, I insist on one of the security guards to escort me to my car in the parking lot if I am working late at night at my work, because there has been incidents of rape and mugging (in Silver Spring BTW).

I don't have to cut off my nose to spite my face. I am happy with equal opportunities, equal pay, paid maternity leave and flexible work schedules - in terms of seeking parity with men. All men that I have dated till now will either escort me home, walk with me to my car or wait for me till I get my taxi, uber, metro etc. Maybe it is just my pretty privilege?? I just don't want to be a victim of violent crime and maybe I do have standards of how I want to be treated. I would have expected this level of concern even if I was visiting my sister. I would have expected to wait with me for the Uber in the lobby or in her apartment and then see me off. BTW - I also always take a picture of the licence plate of the ride and text it to my friends. I have a smartphone and know how to use it. Helpless women are those who cannot take these sensible steps to keep themselves safe.

Yes honey and I also have traveled the world alone too. Depending on your boyfriend to keep you safe is not a strategy for self preservation. It's childish and limiting behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think the "text me when you are home" thing is a red flag at all. That's fairly new. You're in your 40s--did dates ask you to call them when you got home 20+ years ago? Probably not.

Walking you down to the lobby...eh. It's the lobby, you're not standing out in the street. Maybe then, but if you're waiting inside? If you wanted him to do it, ask. I'd see it as an issue if I ask and he says no. Not if he doesn't think of it.

Yes, 25 years when I was dating (even college age) guys asked me to call when I got home safely. It was a thing if they didn’t walk you home. I remember having a two-second phone call to say I was home and goodnight.

[Anonymous]

women are strong, independent, brave, and stunning! they don't need no man... to walk them to the lobby.