Leaving a man's apartment...is this a red flag, or no?

[Anonymous]

Different cultures and life experiences here. OP just ask next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pretty cold end of a date. I wouldn't like this at all.
Not to mention it's only the beginning of a relationship, when people are at their best behavior.

That's my reaction too, not so much the "protection factor" but that it was more like a "see ya, bye" end to the evening, unless his goodbye at the door was more intimate. When I visit friends in apts they usually accompany me to the building lobby and we say final goodbye at the door. (This would not apply to a party type gathering, just to a personal visit).

[Anonymous]

This exact thing happened to me when my now husband and I were somewhat newly dating in NYC. I was mortified and almost stopped seeing him over it. However, I decided to not make big deal about it as otherwise he was/is a really great guy. After 18 years and kids, he has been an outstanding partner. We were recently talking and I told him that was a point where our relationship almost ended. He had no idea and was just clueless. He acknowledged that it was boneheaded behavior and would be be pissed if someone did that to one our kids. So if there are no other red flags, I would give him a pass but make sure it doesn’t happen again.

[Anonymous]

I personally would feel offended.

I mean, it seems a little odd that he didn’t want to even exit his apartment in order to be a gentleman.
I say he has bad manners in general & since manners are important to me - this could be a potential dealbreaker in the long run.

[Anonymous]

if the neighborhood is sketchy... red flag.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Do women do this for men? Seems a bit sexist to insist only men do something like that.

It's also sexist that more women are raped and sexually assaulted than men. So until that stat evens out as well, I'd day expecting a smidge of concern at 12:30 am is ok.

+ YES - thank you!

Disagree. Do you expect everyone in your circle to call or text you when you are out of sight? When you go to the store? Leave or come from work or the gym? You and op were not in any more danger than you were at any other point during the day.

The idea that you need a guy to check up on you this way comes from the same system of beliefs that feels women are essentially helpless children who should have a male guardian at all times and ironically it's the same system of beliefs that promotes a rape culture.

You feel safe as a woman waiting alone for an Uber at 12:30 am on a date with no one knowing where you are? Nope. This is foolish. My friends, sisters and my co-workers, we all are careful, aware of our surroundings and we usually travel in pairs and group text each other when we reach home. With some of my friends we do a quick facetime. Heck, I insist on one of the security guards to escort me to my car in the parking lot if I am working late at night at my work, because there has been incidents of rape and mugging (in Silver Spring BTW).

I don't have to cut off my nose to spite my face. I am happy with equal opportunities, equal pay, paid maternity leave and flexible work schedules - in terms of seeking parity with men. All men that I have dated till now will either escort me home, walk with me to my car or wait for me till I get my taxi, uber, metro etc. Maybe it is just my pretty privilege?? I just don't want to be a victim of violent crime and maybe I do have standards of how I want to be treated. I would have expected this level of concern even if I was visiting my sister. I would have expected to wait with me for the Uber in the lobby or in her apartment and then see me off. BTW - I also always take a picture of the licence plate of the ride and text it to my friends. I have a smartphone and know how to use it. Helpless women are those who cannot take these sensible steps to keep themselves safe.

Yes honey and I also have traveled the world alone too. Depending on your boyfriend to keep you safe is not a strategy for self preservation. It's childish and limiting behavior.

PP, it's about manners and respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not want a date to come down and wait with me so not a red flag for me. I wait for Uber perfectly safely in my friends’ apartment lobbies without company; I don’t see why I wouldn’t be able to in a date’s. But also I dislike overly protective men — there was one who insisted on walking on the street side of the sidewalk like I was a toddler who might run into traffic and that was a deal breaker for ME.

My Ex-DH always wanted to make sure he was on the outside of the street when walking, as well as opened doors for me and such. It was a shift for me, but I ended up not minding it. Of course by the end, he would literally step on me, pretending to not notice, and recently lightly ran over the tip of my shoe during child transition. I don't trust that act so much anymore.

[Anonymous]

This bothers me because it’s not faux concern, not protection. What’s he going to do if you don’t text back other than maybe worry?

[Anonymous]

My husband was exactly this was when we were dating and is still this way. To be completely honest, I’m not sure he really loves me the way I love him. I often think he loves me but the only reason he married me was to have a step mom for his kids.

I’m ok with it - obviously I wish things were different and that he loved me as much as I love him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes this would bother me.

This would bother me if a pattern of thoughtlessness, carelessness, or mindlessness. Self absorbed people, whatever due to just being that way or add/asd, get exhausting to live with or count on for anything significant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband was exactly this was when we were dating and is still this way. To be completely honest, I’m not sure he really loves me the way I love him. I often think he loves me but the only reason he married me was to have a step mom for his kids.

I’m ok with it - obviously I wish things were different and that he loved me as much as I love him.

Holy smokes! Well that’s transactional.

[Anonymous]

It’s not misogynistic to walk a woman down to the lobby/street at the end of a date, late at night. As PP said, the misogyny relates to the fact that women are more physically vulnerable to assault. It isn’t required to take a man up on their offer but to become offended or rule them out as a result of them extending this basic respect is very reactionary. I’m a woman and would do the same for a female friend.

[Anonymous]

I would have driven you home. But if you decided on an Uber I would have at least waited with you in the lobby in order to chat more.

[Anonymous]

Red flag? No. But indicative of his personality? Yes.

When I lived in an apartment and I would walk guests down (male or female) and stand with them until their ride came. That's just my nature. You might be able to explain to him why you'd like him to do this but that doesn't mean it was transcend into other areas. I guess it just depends on how much it matters to you and how much work you'd be willing to put into the relationship in this area, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not want a date to come down and wait with me so not a red flag for me. I wait for Uber perfectly safely in my friends’ apartment lobbies without company; I don’t see why I wouldn’t be able to in a date’s. But also I dislike overly protective men — there was one who insisted on walking on the street side of the sidewalk like I was a toddler who might run into traffic and that was a deal breaker for ME.

I always assumed guy walked on the outside so, if a car jumped the curb, he would absorb the kinetic impact first