Leaving a man's apartment...is this a red flag, or no?

[Anonymous]

I've been on 4 proper dates with a man (he has taken me out to nice dinners, refused to have me pay) and I like him. We're both 40 and divorced.

On the last date, we ended up at his apartment. As I was leaving, I got out my phone to call an Uber to go home around 12:30am. He said goodbye to me at his apartment door, and didn't come down to the lobby to wait with me, or say to text him when I got home safe.

I simply noted it- not a dealbreaker at all for me, but I do like when guys are somewhat "protective". Do you think this is a red flag, or no?

[Anonymous]

Yes this would bother me.

[Anonymous]

Do women do this for men? Seems a bit sexist to insist only men do something like that.

[Anonymous]

I hate protective guys, so I’d be good with it. I especially hate the “let me know your home” thing. For you, it depends on how much it matters to you. I’d think it a plus that he treats me as an equal.

[Anonymous]

You get to decide, OP, if it’s a red flag for you or not. Delve a little deeper in yourself and ask why it bothers you. Also - was this the ONLY thing that bothered you about him? FWIW, I am a woman who waits with her female friends for ubers and asks them to text me when they’re home! I also didn’t like that a date recently balked at walking me to my car late at night after a romp at his place - I decided not to see him again (for a few cumulative reasons but this was last irritating thing ) and I’m ok with my expectations and the result of not seeing him again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do women do this for men? Seems a bit sexist to insist only men do something like that.

When someone has has a drink at my house and driven home, I do.

[Anonymous]

Yes. It is a red flag. But, it could also be cultural. I have been raised to "see off" people at my drive-way, lobby etc and watch until they drive away.

Manners, politeness, showing concern and respect for others, not being a douchebag...all of these things have to be taught by your family.

[Anonymous]

Why wouldn't you order the uber from in his apartment,wait there, and then leave when the uber was close to your location so you're just going down to meet the uber? Maybe be thought you did it this way because you wanted to wait by yourself.

[Anonymous]

I don't think the "text me when you are home" thing is a red flag at all. That's fairly new. You're in your 40s--did dates ask you to call them when you got home 20+ years ago? Probably not.

Walking you down to the lobby...eh. It's the lobby, you're not standing out in the street. Maybe then, but if you're waiting inside? If you wanted him to do it, ask. I'd see it as an issue if I ask and he says no. Not if he doesn't think of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been on 4 proper dates with a man (he has taken me out to nice dinners, refused to have me pay) and I like him. We're both 40 and divorced.

On the last date, we ended up at his apartment. As I was leaving, I got out my phone to call an Uber to go home around 12:30am. He said goodbye to me at his apartment door, and didn't come down to the lobby to wait with me, or say to text him when I got home safe.

I simply noted it- not a dealbreaker at all for me, but I do like when guys are somewhat "protective". Do you think this is a red flag, or no?

Wow! You are very understanding. Yes, this would be a deal-breaker, especially because of the lateness of the hour.

Anyways, the man is showing you who he is. + you are a divorced 40yr old, already gone on 4 dates that he pays for, already coming to his apartment ...maybe he thinks you don't need more "wooing" from him because your options are limited?

My suggestion to you is - don't become exclusive because this is not a LTR.

[Anonymous]

Women are more vulnerable in these situations than men, it’s just a fact - so reversing the genders and asking if women would wait with a man for an Uber late at night when the streets might be deserted, etc. is kind of irrelevant.

It could have just been cluelessness, and it’s not necessarily a deal breaker, but I would take note. Back in my dating days. I do prefer gentlemanly behavior - especially because I do get uneasy waiting for a ride late in the night. It’s just good manners, IMO.

And yes, if a guy were at my place, I would walk him down to the lobby and wait with him there until his car came.

[Anonymous]

As an actual, grown adult who actually manages to get around the city during the day and (gasp) at night, too, I don’t need my date to cosplay Protective daddy and all the messed up power/misogynistic dynamics that come with that. What else do I need protection from? My friends? Voting? Working? Math?

Just not my kink, YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he had to poop?

[Anonymous]

Red flag is that he’s in his 40s and still in an apartment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Red flag is that he’s in his 40s and still in an apartment.

He’s divorced, so he may have previously had a house…