Leaving a man's apartment...is this a red flag, or no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not want a date to come down and wait with me so not a red flag for me. I wait for Uber perfectly safely in my friends’ apartment lobbies without company; I don’t see why I wouldn’t be able to in a date’s. But also I dislike overly protective men — there was one who insisted on walking on the street side of the sidewalk like I was a toddler who might run into traffic and that was a deal breaker for ME.

OP: see, I wouldn't mind that and actually think it's kind of sweet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s a deal breaker. If you’re 40 and divorced I hope you know to stay outright to him, “I like it when the man in my life is concerned about me getting home safely, could you show you want to hear from me when I get back to make sure I’m safe?”

OP: I would feel totally fine saying this. I guess my concern is if this doesn't come naturally, or he doesn't actually want to do it- what does that mean.

It means he thinks you're a grown woman of 40+ who can call an Uber from his house and either wait there or in his lobby if you prefer. You're making too much of this, and it makes you sound high maintenance.

--woman

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not want a date to come down and wait with me so not a red flag for me. I wait for Uber perfectly safely in my friends’ apartment lobbies without company; I don’t see why I wouldn’t be able to in a date’s. But also I dislike overly protective men — there was one who insisted on walking on the street side of the sidewalk like I was a toddler who might run into traffic and that was a deal breaker for ME.

OP: see, I wouldn't mind that and actually think it's kind of sweet.

Hahaha clear proof different people want different things from prospective partners… I wish I could set you up with my protective date from four years ago, OP!

[Anonymous]

I think this is just neutral. Not bad or good. Not a sign of much of anything other than he doesn’t skew as overprotective

But I admittedly roll my eyes at some of my husband’s overprotectiveness. I remember rolling my eyes so hard when I happened to call him when I was on a biz trip. I had just parked and was walking through the parking garage in a strange town. He was all “stay on the phone with me while you walk” and I was like “dude, ok but I am fine.”

What I do appreciate is that I have terrible arthritis and he will hold out his hand when we are on a staircase with no railings, etc. So, I appreciate his helpfulness in actual areas I have an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As an actual, grown adult who actually manages to get around the city during the day and (gasp) at night, too, I don’t need my date to cosplay Protective daddy and all the messed up power/misogynistic dynamics that come with that. What else do I need protection from? My friends? Voting? Working? Math?

Just not my kink, YMMV.

I understand if it not your thing, but misogynistic?? That’s BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not want a date to come down and wait with me so not a red flag for me. I wait for Uber perfectly safely in my friends’ apartment lobbies without company; I don’t see why I wouldn’t be able to in a date’s. But also I dislike overly protective men — there was one who insisted on walking on the street side of the sidewalk like I was a toddler who might run into traffic and that was a deal breaker for ME.

To each their own. My DH does this with me and in no way do I feel like a toddler, nor does he perceive me as one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do women do this for men? Seems a bit sexist to insist only men do something like that.

It's also sexist that more women are raped and sexually assaulted than men. So until that stat evens out as well, I'd day expecting a smidge of concern at 12:30 am is ok.

[Anonymous]

I had dinner with a platonic male friend and he asked me to text when I got home. He was drunk and I didn’t bother and it’s not like he bothered to check up on me…for all he knows I’m dead. So it doesn’t necessarily mean anything

[Anonymous]

It would have been sweet if he did and a sign of good manners/upbringing...but otherwise not a deal breaker in my book

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women are more vulnerable in these situations than men, it’s just a fact - so reversing the genders and asking if women would wait with a man for an Uber late at night when the streets might be deserted, etc. is kind of irrelevant.

It could have just been cluelessness, and it’s not necessarily a deal breaker, but I would take note. Back in my dating days. I do prefer gentlemanly behavior - especially because I do get uneasy waiting for a ride late in the night. It’s just good manners, IMO.

And yes, if a guy were at my place, I would walk him down to the lobby and wait with him there until his car came.

This. Both men and women should generally exercise extra care and concern for people who are more vulnerable. So yeah--I'm OK with the "text when you get in" being applied more to women/the very young or old/etc.

For me the same goes for holding doors, walking on the street side of the sidewalk, etc: I'll never complain if a man does those things for me, but I [woman] also hold doors for everyone routinely and walk on the street side if I'm with someone less sturdy than me in some way. It's just manners and consideration.

[Anonymous]

Red flag

[Anonymous]

He is not a gentleman. Move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Red flag is that he’s in his 40s and still in an apartment.

Ha! My NYC apartment is gorgeous and worth way more than your shit shack.

I was thinking the same thing. Many big city apartments are gorgeous and expensive. The fact that they’re rentals doesn’t in any way diminish the resident.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Red flag is that he’s in his 40s and still in an apartment.

Ha! My NYC apartment is gorgeous and worth way more than your shit shack.

I was thinking the same thing. Many big city apartments are gorgeous and expensive. The fact that they’re rentals doesn’t in any way diminish the resident.

And a lot are not rentals.

[Anonymous]

Not a deal breaker or a red flag, but in your position I'd just ask, "Mind walking me down?"

If he refuses, or doesn't offer from that point forward, then it would be a deal breaker.