Paying for dates

[Anonymous]

Cishet 40s widowed female here: I always offer to split check if I am asked out, and I accept the first response. If I ask someone out, I assume I will pay and make sure the location is within my budget. For longer-term relationships, I like to bring up how the bill is paid prior to the date or establish a casual protocol for spending so it eliminates the unspoken anxiety until the bill comes. I don't like to be thinking about who pays what during a date. I want to be as present as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you want to an equal and earn respect, pay your way. Don’t go out accepting free food from strangers.

Don’t invite women to dates you can’t afford?

It doesn’t matter who is asking, a date is for two people to get to know each other. If you are not interested don’t go. If you can’t afford the place, suggest something affordable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always offered to split and never accepted a second date from a man who took me up on it. I’ve been happily married for more than ten years to a man who isn’t hurt by a $150 restaurant bill and who is generous and well mannered— all very important things to know about a potential partner up front! Every part of a date is an audition.

With all due respect, your opinion on this is invalid if you've been married for the last 10 years.

I’ll accept that feedback, though it sounds from this thread like others still follow this advice.

Here’s my logic, as a happily married person, take it for what it’s worth:

When you are dating, as a woman, you are told you will kiss a lot of frogs to find the right guy. You will hopefully also have been told by your family to know your worth and know what you want in a partner. I do not— and did not— want a partner who saves money on another person. That’s something that’s hard to know at the dating stage! Later in life you see it when a man is driving a new car every year while his wife has an old minivan, or you see an exhausted new mom whose husband objects to the cost of a baby nurse, or a man flying in business class while his wife wrangles the kids on coach. Why waste more than one date on a person like that when the universe has other people in it?

[Anonymous]

A lot of women will expect you to pay for the first few dates and judge you for it if you don't - it is too bad but it seems to be stuck in their head that this is what is expected of men. They'll expect you to insist even when you see them sliding out their credit card or reaching for the check. It's a ridiculous double standard since women want to be treated fairly but it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always offered to split and never accepted a second date from a man who took me up on it. I’ve been happily married for more than ten years to a man who isn’t hurt by a $150 restaurant bill and who is generous and well mannered— all very important things to know about a potential partner up front! Every part of a date is an audition.

With all due respect, your opinion on this is invalid if you've been married for the last 10 years.

I’ll accept that feedback, though it sounds from this thread like others still follow this advice.

Here’s my logic, as a happily married person, take it for what it’s worth:

When you are dating, as a woman, you are told you will kiss a lot of frogs to find the right guy. You will hopefully also have been told by your family to know your worth and know what you want in a partner. I do not— and did not— want a partner who saves money on another person. That’s something that’s hard to know at the dating stage! Later in life you see it when a man is driving a new car every year while his wife has an old minivan, or you see an exhausted new mom whose husband objects to the cost of a baby nurse, or a man flying in business class while his wife wrangles the kids on coach. Why waste more than one date on a person like that when the universe has other people in it?

Clearly a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always offered to split and never accepted a second date from a man who took me up on it. I’ve been happily married for more than ten years to a man who isn’t hurt by a $150 restaurant bill and who is generous and well mannered— all very important things to know about a potential partner up front! Every part of a date is an audition.

With all due respect, your opinion on this is invalid if you've been married for the last 10 years.

I’ll accept that feedback, though it sounds from this thread like others still follow this advice.

Here’s my logic, as a happily married person, take it for what it’s worth:

When you are dating, as a woman, you are told you will kiss a lot of frogs to find the right guy. You will hopefully also have been told by your family to know your worth and know what you want in a partner. I do not— and did not— want a partner who saves money on another person. That’s something that’s hard to know at the dating stage! Later in life you see it when a man is driving a new car every year while his wife has an old minivan, or you see an exhausted new mom whose husband objects to the cost of a baby nurse, or a man flying in business class while his wife wrangles the kids on coach. Why waste more than one date on a person like that when the universe has other people in it?

Nope! I have a prestigious full time career (though not an especially lucrative one) if I was on my own my children and I would be fine.

Clearly a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always offered to split and never accepted a second date from a man who took me up on it. I’ve been happily married for more than ten years to a man who isn’t hurt by a $150 restaurant bill and who is generous and well mannered— all very important things to know about a potential partner up front! Every part of a date is an audition.

With all due respect, your opinion on this is invalid if you've been married for the last 10 years.

I’ll accept that feedback, though it sounds from this thread like others still follow this advice.

Here’s my logic, as a happily married person, take it for what it’s worth:

When you are dating, as a woman, you are told you will kiss a lot of frogs to find the right guy. You will hopefully also have been told by your family to know your worth and know what you want in a partner. I do not— and did not— want a partner who saves money on another person. That’s something that’s hard to know at the dating stage! Later in life you see it when a man is driving a new car every year while his wife has an old minivan, or you see an exhausted new mom whose husband objects to the cost of a baby nurse, or a man flying in business class while his wife wrangles the kids on coach. Why waste more than one date on a person like that when the universe has other people in it?

I don't see the logical leap from "that guy accepted my offer to split the check on a first date" to "my husband flies first class and leaves me and the kids in coach." I'm happy for your marriage, but you likely gave up too soon on some viable princes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always offered to split and never accepted a second date from a man who took me up on it. I’ve been happily married for more than ten years to a man who isn’t hurt by a $150 restaurant bill and who is generous and well mannered— all very important things to know about a potential partner up front! Every part of a date is an audition.

With all due respect, your opinion on this is invalid if you've been married for the last 10 years.

I’ll accept that feedback, though it sounds from this thread like others still follow this advice.

Here’s my logic, as a happily married person, take it for what it’s worth:

When you are dating, as a woman, you are told you will kiss a lot of frogs to find the right guy. You will hopefully also have been told by your family to know your worth and know what you want in a partner. I do not— and did not— want a partner who saves money on another person. That’s something that’s hard to know at the dating stage! Later in life you see it when a man is driving a new car every year while his wife has an old minivan, or you see an exhausted new mom whose husband objects to the cost of a baby nurse, or a man flying in business class while his wife wrangles the kids on coach. Why waste more than one date on a person like that when the universe has other people in it?

Clearly a SAHM.

Nope! I have a prestigious full time career (though not an especially lucrative one) if I was on my own my children and I would be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always offered to split and never accepted a second date from a man who took me up on it. I’ve been happily married for more than ten years to a man who isn’t hurt by a $150 restaurant bill and who is generous and well mannered— all very important things to know about a potential partner up front! Every part of a date is an audition.

With all due respect, your opinion on this is invalid if you've been married for the last 10 years.

I’ll accept that feedback, though it sounds from this thread like others still follow this advice.

Here’s my logic, as a happily married person, take it for what it’s worth:

When you are dating, as a woman, you are told you will kiss a lot of frogs to find the right guy. You will hopefully also have been told by your family to know your worth and know what you want in a partner. I do not— and did not— want a partner who saves money on another person. That’s something that’s hard to know at the dating stage! Later in life you see it when a man is driving a new car every year while his wife has an old minivan, or you see an exhausted new mom whose husband objects to the cost of a baby nurse, or a man flying in business class while his wife wrangles the kids on coach. Why waste more than one date on a person like that when the universe has other people in it?

I don't see the logical leap from "that guy accepted my offer to split the check on a first date" to "my husband flies first class and leaves me and the kids in coach." I'm happy for your marriage, but you likely gave up too soon on some viable princes.

You know, looking back, I don’t remember ever being blown away by the people who expected to split the check, but that is probably confirmation bias at work.

Here’s the leap: someone has $100. They can either spend $100 on a date, so they can host someone whom they’ve invited out, or they can spend $50 and save the other $50 for themselves. What will that look like later in a marriage when the spouse has disposable income and, given the choice to spend it on their spouse/family or themselves, they prioritize themselves?

[Anonymous]

I am a guy in my mid 30s so a little bit younger, but this is why I don't do dinner dates until 3rd or 4th date. My usual approach is as follows.

1. Drink or coffee always for first date. Inexpensive and allows either party to get out after first drink if not feeling it.

2. Fun activity. Can be going to a sporting event, a nice walk on the mall and see a museum, bar games, etc. Competitiveness can be fun and help break the ice more.

3. This is where I would do a dinner date if things are going well. By this point I know how the 2 dates went. A week or 2 has elapsed probably so you can tell how responsive she has been through texting or phone calls and should be able to tell if she is really interested.

I got burned way too many times in my 20s by paying for meals and then never get another date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a married woman, but when I was dating, I expected any man who asked me on a date to pay for the first date. I did not offer to split, but thanked them sincerely for dinner (or whatever). Maybe this was off-putting for some guys, and if there was ever a guy who didn't ask me on a second date for that reason, that is okay - we weren't a match.

What about when you asked the guy out?

[Anonymous]

I am a woman in my 50s. I always offer to split. Most men insist on paying. One guy suggested we split before I could even offer--I thought he wasn't interested but he is just frugal/cheapskate. i am still dating him because he has other qualities I like.

A friend who is 30 went on a date and the total bar bill was $14 and he asked her to split it with him. The bartender definitely gave him the side-eye! LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. I don’t pay for dates at all. If I’ve been in committed serious relationship with a man I might pay for a surprise or holiday.

This. I don't pay for dates. I also don't ask men out
I may depending on the nature of our relationship reciprocate in other ways such as surprising him with his favorite cookies.

This. It would be a huge turn off if you asked for separate checks. I wouldn’t object but also wouldn’t see you again. If you are a man and are asking women out, you pay.

[Anonymous]

I generally believe if you do the asking, you should do the paying. It's nice if the askee makes an offer, but the asker should insist.

If you settle into a relationship, I would expect more tradeoffs in terms of alternately paying for outings but that it should be an organic thing. If the relationship gets more serious and you starting talking about big ticket items like a foreign trip, you should discuss finances/split/costs beforehand and openly. It's a good proxy for ability to communicate in general.

Women who expect to always be paid for are a turnoff. So are men who demand to split the check from the get go.

[Anonymous]

It’s not frugality or stinginess, it’s just me valuing my self-respect and not taking advantage of a patriarchal tradition of men paying for women. If I’m agreeing for a date, it means I’m interested in meeting you.